To think my children would be better raised by me

[kidscomefirstendof]

AIBU to think my children will be better off being raised by me, without a load of boyfriends, stepdads, and so on?

I feel it will be more stable for them to have one adult than someone who they don't even know living in their space?

There's not a choice between your DCs being raised a string of Mum's boyfriends/Uncles/step-dads and you having no sex life!

Many couples that contain single parents date for more than a year before DCs are introduced, I know of at least one couple that for various reasons, didn't move in together until all DCs had left home, 15 years of dating before living together and neither was in a 'step parent' role to the other's DCs.

You don't have to live with a partner, you don't have to introduce your DCs to boyfriends straight away, you don't even need to tell your DCs you have a boyfriend.

If you are happy being single, that's a different matter, but perhaps you should own that, rather than using your DCs as an excuse not to date. I guess the issue would be, if you didn't have DCs, do you think you'd be happy being single. Are you not dating for them, or not dating because you don't want to date.

"I'm not distrusting of men I just don't want to share my home with one"

That is your choice, and is a perfectly valid one - but it is NOT the only choice, and it is not the best choice for every single parent, or for every child of a single parent.

You just can't generalise about a situation where there are so many varieties of experience.

Has someone said something to you? You sound really stressed about hypotheticals.

One thing that would have been healthier for me is the chance to see healthy relationships in operation. My parents split when I was quite young, I had a bachelor uncle and that was about it. Do you have family that are in good, stable relationships?

I'd politely disagree STG think I spelled that correctly then! I think in most cases most children would prefer to be raised by their parent than to have one parent and a step parent. Obviously there are variables, the most successful ones seem (to me) when someone moves in when the child is very young, under 5, and they just become a new family with him being technically a 'step' dad but really the 'dad' if you see what I mean.

I'm not stressed elegantly, I'm just not in agreement with most people on this thread.

I actually feel the same as you OP. My kids have suffered enough at the hands of my ex-h. I don't trust my own judgement anymore. That is not to say that I don't have a life outside of the home. I am fortunate in that my eldest child is more than old enough to babysit my youngest (17 and 5) and she does fairly regularly. I also have a "FWB". I only ever go to his house though, he doesn't come here. I prefer that arrangement. I am happy with my home just having the kids and I although as you say, I would have preferred that my ex-h wasn't an utter c**t and our family had remained intact. It is what it is...

I know someone who is nearly 30, who's Dad died when he was much younger. His Mother has been living with the same person (so no string of different partners) for at least the last 10 years, but he cannot accept that his Mother is a person with needs too. All he sees is that she should be a Mum with no life and that's it.

Do you want to not be seen as a person in your own right by your children? I'm not saying go and get a partner, but at least leave an open mind to what could happen at some point in the future.

do you not think I am a person when single then?

you seem determined to be validated by your point of view so here goes

yes you're absolutely right in your life choice

but it's not for everyone HTH

I think the assumption that if you don't have a relationship your life is so much about your children that you'd grow old and bitter is a weird one.

I think it would be weird to assume that too, but that's not what I did.

I stated that I know some people who have become very bitter about it, once their children have grown up and left home.

Life isn't black and white. People do what they feel is best for their families and themselves.

It might not be what you think you would do, but that doesn't make them wrong.

Nope.

I met Dh when dd1 was a teenager and he has been a wonderful influence on her. He is a million times better father figure to her and he is the bedrock of our family he really is.

If you want to stay single that's your personal choice but I don't think it's nessasary. Bring in a healthy relationship can show children how it's supposed to be. I really don't think it matters if it's mum, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend as long as there is happiness and love the children will be fine.

Also folk that dedicated their whole life to their kids can become very redundant when they fly the nest.

You sound very hurt by the way.

I think you might have a point on it being easier / more successful with young children and step parents. But I don't think you should let your step parent experience make you think all should be that way.

My ex-h and I split up when dd was very young - totally for the best for her - our relationship was not one I'd want as a model for her life.

I'm now engaged and living with my DP who dd has known since she was 3. She doesn't remember a time without him - they totally love each other and her world would not be as a good a place without him. I know I'm a much better parent with him in my life to take some of the strain and she always comes first.

There is nothing wrong with remaining single. Being single is a perfectly valid choice, we are all individuals and the 'romantic' notion that one person is completed by another often leads to some unhealthy pairings whereas two people who feel whole in themselves are often able to be more stable in their relationships. Social interaction and companionship are quite important parts of being human but this doesn't need to be within a romantic relationship.

It isn't particularly a parenting decision though, it remains true if you have children or not.

It's your choice whether or not to date but honestly your post seems disrespectful to parents who do. Being on your own or having a revolving door of boyfriends aren't the only options as your post implies. I think children can benefit from seeing their parent happy in a loving, stable relationship and forming a bond with a step parent. It seems strange to talk about someone your DC don't even know living in their space, obviously standard practice is to introduce the DC to a significant other well before moving them in!

It doesn't mean they would want to live with fhem though.

It doesn't mean that they wouldn't want to live with them either, though, Kids! You just can't generalise for every child and every family!

I would agree with you on that SDT :)

I can fathom a woman being single.

I can fathom a woman not being single.

But I have a tad more difficulty with someone saying that it must be one or the other.

I think it depends. My cousin and his wife split up. She has been in a steady relationship every since. He has had girlfriend after girlfriend, 2 he has lived with within weeks, he introduces his DD straight away, holidays have been booked then cancelled as they have split. Not one has been a ltr. It has only been a year! So in the latter circumstance, I agree with you and it isn't healthy/good for the child at all. In the first scenario then I don't see a problem with it as long as the parent doesn't prioritise the relationship over the child. I've seen this happen a lot!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you not looking for a boyfriend if you are happy as you are. It would be odd of people to suggest otherwise, imo. I have no opinion on what your children think of it, or will think of it in retrospect, however, as I'm not them. Do they see their real father at all?

My father died when I was very little and my mother never had another relationship. Although I have every respect for the way she wanted to live her life I consider it has been immensely damaging for me not to have had modelled any sort of loving adult relationship as I was growing up

Put down your chalice of martyrdom and have a

Yes, you are entitled to your view. And if that's the best route for you, congrats on identifying it. But it isn't the best route for everyone.

You can date and have relationships and still be a great parent. You could even meet someone, move in with them and make a brand new family. You just have to do what's best for you and yours.

Anyone who is happy with their choices doesn't post on MN about them

Assuming your op is genuine, you have posted two extremes at either end of the scale and ignored the fact that there are many other alternatives inbetween.

I am a single parent and my dd is nine. I didn't date until she was five and have had a few relationships since then. I have never introduced her to someone and she had never lived with someone she doesn't know.

I would like to meet someone but am not comfortable introducing her to someone unless it was very serious. It is difficult getting to the very serious stage without including her mostly due to time constraints so it is a bit of a catch 22 but I'm ok with that. It's a choice I've made for my family it's my a choice everyone has to make

Out of interest, have you ever asked your children what they think OP? I'd have hated growing up with just my mother and no male role model. That's just me, though and in part reflects our relationship.

You seem pretty sure that your experience applies automatically to them.

Surely it depends on whether you want to be alone? If you are lonely, and want to have a new relationship, but feel you can't, because you have children, this could lead to you becoming bitter. Of course, if you are happy to stay single, and to raise your child as a single parent, you are likely to be happy about your choice

I'm not sure it's that simple. I'm a single parent and have been for many years now. It wasn't my choice. My children's father changed - seemingly overnight - making life very complicated. He has had a number of girlfriends - he's not the type to date and move on. He's serious from day one so his girlfriends are around a while but ultimately, they seem to disappear. He also did a stint where he disappeared completely from our children's lives.

I am not single by choice and I don't rule out re-marriage or living with someone. But I don't go looking for another relationship. I don't actively look because I feel my children have enough to deal with with their father and that ultimately, one of their parents needs to put them first and be there for them. I am also acutely aware of how precarious life is and have worked hard to re-build and gain total independence - it is not something I am willing to give up (and this seems off-putting to a lot of men).

I am not bitter - I long ago accepted this is the way it needs to be to give my children the stability and security that I believe gives a half decent childhood. And I do have a long term boyfriend and things work for us in this way at the moment (there are no introductions to either of our respective children). But I don't want to be alone in my old age if I can help it. I have a wide circle of friends and work full time. I hold out hope that sooner or later, it'll all come together But if it doesn't, I really hope that long term I am able to remain comfortable with the choices I am making now - I do feel I might one day wake up and think 'perhaps I should have online dated as many men as possible in the hope of meeting a prince...'. Who knows? I am doing what I think is best. It might not turn out that it was - and perhaps that's when bitterness will set in.