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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my children would be better raised by me

382 replies

kidscomefirstendof · 19/03/2016 14:34

AIBU to think my children will be better off being raised by me, without a load of boyfriends, stepdads, and so on?

I feel it will be more stable for them to have one adult than someone who they don't even know living in their space?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 19/03/2016 14:51

You can still have a boyfriend and be interested in your children - the 2 are not mutually exclusive you know Grin

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/03/2016 14:52

I'll tell you a secret Op I'm a single parent and... I've dated. Hasn't done my son any harm.

It's possible to not date every single man you meet. You realise that, right?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 19/03/2016 14:53

Less important. My son is not less important than my love life. Maybe it was a Freudian slip though Grin

Original poster
kidscomefirstendof · 19/03/2016 14:53

It can lead to a conflict of interest though :)

Im a bit weird about it though as I hated being raised with a step parent so vowed I wouldn't do it to my kids.

OP posts:
Trills · 19/03/2016 14:55

more interested in their love life than their children

You can be interested in more than one thing.

It's possible to have a love life without it harming your children.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/03/2016 14:55

It would only lead to a conflict of interests if you let it Confused

Lurkedforever1 · 19/03/2016 14:55

Oh, I'd never considered my dd might need stability, I bring different men back every night. Dd doesn't get confused because its only the ones that stick around a few days that I bother to get a name from. Although tbh as I normally drag them back from a pub at closing dd is usually in bed, and has taken herself to school before me and random man even wake up.

Didn't feel I had any choice, it's not like you can date and only introduce a new partner when you're sure, so it's either drag home a trail of men or become a born again virgin.

dolkapots · 19/03/2016 14:56

I think your own experience leaves its mark. I too was raised in (two) step families and I vowed I wouldn't do it to any children I had. Reading the step parenting board just reaffirms that.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 19/03/2016 14:57

So can anything, op. Friends, work, any outside interests at all can be tricky to balance sometimes.Yes children have to be your priority, but you should not put everything else on hold until they're 18 40

Trills · 19/03/2016 14:57

If you really do not want a relationship at all, then don't have one.

If you would like one but you are worried that it would be difficult to do so without it harming your children, why not go to the Relationships board and start a thread asking for the best way to do it so that they don't end up feeling about you the way you do about your step parent?

Don't assume that your experience is the only experience that exists.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 19/03/2016 14:57

I'd imagine that single parents who date aren't looking to find stand-ins for themselves.

I think I get what you're saying-you don't want to date/have a partner. That's fair enough.

People shouldn't judge you for that. But equally, you shouldn't judge other people for choosing differently.

ijustwannadance · 19/03/2016 14:59

I have a friend who had a child when she was 24. Bloke was her boss who then fucked off and left. She did what you suggest in your op and never had another boyfriend.
She is now in her 40's and regrets not doing anything for herself or possibly having more kids.

You clearly have issues with step parent which is giving you a singular perspective.

multivac · 19/03/2016 15:01

Has it ever occurred to you, OP, that the reason people express shock/surprise/disapproval when you deliver your lecture about how single parents should behave is not because they think you should date... but because you sound like you are passing a rather nasty judgement on any woman (it's the women you are judging, of course - the Sacred Mothers Who Must Put The Kids First End Of) who has had the gall to find happiness in a relationship with someone other than the father of her children.

I couldn't give less of a flying fuck whether you, personally, ever have sex again.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/03/2016 15:02

Why bother coming here to make ridiculous sweeping statements?

Fine if you have a child and want no other man till your child leaves home but there is absolutely no need to imply those that do otherwise are somehow not doing the right thing by their children.

Deliberate inflammatory post

Original poster
kidscomefirstendof · 19/03/2016 15:02

That doesn't mean it's the wrong perspective though. This is what I constantly have people saying I'm wrong yet as evidenced by the replies here they don't like it if I say they are wrong!

OP posts:
Original poster
kidscomefirstendof · 19/03/2016 15:03

No it's not Quite. It's my opinion, maybe that makes you inflamed, so do a lot of the opinions on here make me angry but it doesn't mean they're posting to make me angry.

OP posts:
Specialsnowflake1 · 19/03/2016 15:03

I prefer my DD to grow up in a loving stable relationship. Her dad and I were not able to provide that for her but my partner and I along with her dad and his wife can show her how relationships should work.

ClopySow · 19/03/2016 15:04

I've stayed mostly single for the last 8 years. I've met people, had flings, had dates, 3 monthers, one nighters. None of them have been long termers. They just didn't work out. My children never met any of them.
I'm vexed that my kids haven't had good relationship examples from me. I feel like i've let them down a bit there. But it would have been worse if they'd had those 8 years with bad relationship examples. My last serious relationship was shit, i don't really trust myself to make good choices about men, so it's better i stay single, for me and for my childrens sakes.

I grew up watching the car crash that was my mum and step dad. They did put their relationship before us. I'd really rather not put my two through it.

starry0ne · 19/03/2016 15:05

Do you think couples with children who have an interest in their love life are not interested in their children.

I am a LP ..As my DS has got older I am starting to get my own life...Although I have not had a relationship for a very long time..My DS would rather I did not go out with my mates..I go out every couple of months..However he doesn't really understand how much good it does me to let my hair down. Be free of responsibility for the evening ( with the exception of regularly needing to check my mobile in case their is a problem)

I actually think it does my DS good to know I do have some sort of life. I however would only introduce him to someone I think it mr right not mr right now.. If partner and my Ds couldn't bond no way would they move in..

Original poster
kidscomefirstendof · 19/03/2016 15:05

See I could say Special is being inflammatory and she isn't, i don't agree with her but I don't think she is disagreeing with me just to annoy me.

OP posts:
TimeToMuskUp · 19/03/2016 15:13

I don't think it's terribly reasonable to assume that someone who remarries or finds a DP after splitting from the other parent is absolutely putting their love life first. It's quite a naive thing to assume.

I split from DS1's Dad when he was 5 months. 18 months later met DH, took our time getting to know one another and we're now married and fairly happy. DS1 loves him, he loves DS1, it's all quite civilised and 'normal' really. I doubt strongly that DS1 would wish DH away; they do father/son stuff, I do mother/son stuff with him, everyone's fine. I don't think I've neglected DS1 by loving DH; love isn't quantifiable is it? It doesn't devalue the love you give to your DCs if you love another adult.

I'm not saying you're wrong. Just that what's right for you isn't what's right for everyone. I love my marriage, I love that I met DH. I love that he's been a part of raining DS1 with me. He's been an incredible force for good when DS1's own father has let him down and copped-out at times. For those things I'll always be grateful. If you want to remain single that's entirely reasonable. If you meet someone several years down the line and believe it's the person you want to build a future with, that's fine too. It doesn't make you any better or worse a parent.

KellyElly · 19/03/2016 15:14

I think it's healthy for a child to see their parent having a loving, happy relationship. This is pretty different than having a revolving door of 'uncles' in their life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/03/2016 15:14

I'm sure I could, SirChenjin I just don't want to and I think it's not in the best interests of children to have a parent, either parent, more interested in their love life than their children and I find it sad how many people seem shocked by this

Perhaps it's the way you are wording it.

Try, I'm not interested in looking for a relationship yet as I do not think my children or myself are ready for that sort of thing and I do not wish to casually date.

It explains it a bit better than your bat shit crazy assumption that people who do date expect the person they are dating to become a step parent after the first date.

Kim82 · 19/03/2016 15:17

I don't agree. I split with me ex when my elder children were 4 and 1. I am now remarried and have 2 more children. My daughter (the 1 year old when I split from my ex) doesn't see her dad and has an excellent relationship with her stepdad. To her, he is her dad, she loves him and if I had stayed single she would never have had the opportunity to have this positive male role model in her life. Her real dad is a useless, woman hating arsehole and I'm glad she has my dh to show her that not all men are like that.

Original poster
kidscomefirstendof · 19/03/2016 15:20

Or perhaps people can't fathom a woman being single

OP posts:
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