To think my children would be better raised by me

[kidscomefirstendof]

AIBU to think my children will be better off being raised by me, without a load of boyfriends, stepdads, and so on?

I feel it will be more stable for them to have one adult than someone who they don't even know living in their space?

I think it is of huge benefit for children to see adults in secure, respectful relationships, so that they understand what they should be aiming for in a partner themselves when they grow up. To assume that a parent's relationships will automatically be damaging to their child is to send children the message that they should also aspire to do without romantic partnerships.

I'll be flamed but l agree OP. I have a lot of friends who were raised in blended families or with a step parent only and around 90% hated it. Funnily enough none really told their parents how unhappy they were but just couldn't wait to get out when they were old enough.

sorry but you sound like my ex husband who has shagged his way around the town tramping it with everything he sees then when he hears i actually had a conversation with a man (my kids were at school) went ballistic and called me a whore accused me of being a tramp and he is going to take my kids away

kids and partners dont need to meet up all the time you dont need a rotating door and open legs nor do you need to act like a nun or a leper

Kidscome - every family is different - so I don't think you can make ONE rule for them all - that's what I think is so unreasonable about your viewpoint - it takes no account of the individuality of every family.

Is it good for children if their lone parent is lonely and unhappy? I don't think so.

Is it always good for children for their birth parents to stay together, no matter how unhappy the marriage is? No.

Is it impossible for a step family to be a loving, nurturing, positive thing for the children? Of course not.

I have a close friend who grew up in a step family - she grew up happy, loved, well supported and well adjusted - her step father was a hugely positive influence in her life. I am sure her life was better because her mum remarried than it would have been if she had stayed alone.

I suspect that we don't hear about the happy step families, because good news is not news - but we will hear about the unhappy ones where children are getting damaged - because that is 'news' - and if you only ever see negative stories about something, that will skew your viewpoint. Eg. if you only ever see bad news about something, you will come to believe that that thing is always bad.

The only happy ones I know, STG, are from the adults in it, the children say something different but I take your point :)

I agree with SDT

I've known blended families that have worked wonderfully and some that didn't work at all.

I've also known people who have remained happily single, and some who have become very bitter about it once their children have grown up and left home.

Horses for courses.

Also, as a happily married woman, I have never given my children 100% of my attention, 100% of the time - I have had friendships, hobbies, interests, and have found it easy to fit all those into my life without any detrimental effect on my children - why would a love-life be any different?

I think the assumption that if you don't have a relationship your life is so much about your children that you'd grow old and bitter is a weird one.

But STG it is a bit different, as in most cases you wouldn't move your friends and hobbies into the home and so on.

Sorry I got your name so wrong

My mother acted like the OP, never had a relationship, left me no model of a successful and healthy relationship. I wish she had had another relationship. It would have been a massive benefit to me.

You don't have to have sex with the entire Coldstream Guards plus marching band and motor pool or renounce passion forever more. You can just have a loving, stable relationship with someone who could be a positive influence on your child.

However if for any reason you prefer not to have another relationship, that is also great.

Or perhaps people can't fathom a woman being single

If you sounded like you WANTED to be single I would be on your side and say that you have every right to choose to be single without being questioned.

But it really doesn't sound like that. It sounds as if you would rather not be single but cannot imagine having a relationship without it damaging your children.

We are all telling you that this is possible.

Or perhaps people can't fathom a woman being single

I don't think that's it (assuming that's a response to my post) given that I am for all real purposes single and have been long term.

I actively choose not to cohabit with anybody other than my children, I do date but never mix my dating and home life.

I still think it's the way you put it

That's not the case trills, but as you can see form comments on here people think you're wrong. I've had comments about lack of male role models, lack of modelling a good relationship, growing old and bitter without a penis in the house. It's all quite annoying. Especially when I think mines a calmer nicer happier household than many (not all) with a man in it!

From not form, god my spelling is awful today!

I'm not being inflammatory sorry if you think that but as a PP said it is health for children to grow up in a healthy stable relationship. Also and I will be flamed for this but I didn't want to be single. My child always comes first and always will but why should I have to spend the next 13 (when she will be18) years on my on

Would you think it okay to have a relationship when your kids left home?

To be honest, it is usually men who insist that women should devote the rest of their lives to their kids when the relationship breaks down.

As a discussion point - I am married, as far as I can tell it is a stable marriage (but who knows?) and I am actively considering looking for an evening class as I think it would be healthy for my ds to see me doing something away from the family. Would the OP consider an evening class of eg card making (when the child's father is staying with the child) acceptable?

Posted too soon! On my own?

i dont think people give two shits about a woman being single to be fair i was a single parent for 6 years no boyfriends no nothing i just got on with things my dd has no idea what a healthy relationship is like so now im a single parent again im looking for friends male friends female friends i will never allow myself to be so isolated again and should i get a close male friend so be it thats up to me and how i live my life i really dont worry about how other people see it

If the men you know are unpleasant enough to make your household chaotic and unhappy, then why would you want a relationship with them? Of course staying single in that situations sounds sensible.
But assuming (in advance of actually meeting them) that all men are a negative drain seems to be throwing the bath water out with the baby. And what does it tell sons when they see their mothers do distrusting of the men they will grow into?

I'm not distrusting of men I just don't want to share my home with one

I'm not distrusting of my friends, but I wouldn't expect them to move in with me and have my children share their space with one of them.

"I think the assumption that if you don't have a relationship your life is so much about your children that you'd grow old and bitter is a weird one."

Surely it depends on whether you want to be alone? If you are lonely, and want to have a new relationship, but feel you can't, because you have children, this could lead to you becoming bitter. Of course, if you are happy to stay single, and to raise your child as a single parent, you are likely to be happy about your choice.

"But STG it is a bit different, as in most cases you wouldn't move your friends and hobbies into the home and so on."

Well - it does depend on the hobby, of course. My DC would tell you that my yarn stash and my book collection are, between them, taking over the house!

But to be serious, what I was saying is that it is perfectly possible to have the early stages of a relationship without the children even knowing, let alone having their lives affected at all - and of course you shouldn't introduce a new partner into your children's lives until you are sure that the relationship is a long term one. But it is perfectly possible to build a relationship with a new partner, introduce them gradually and sensitively into your children's life, and, in the long term, build a new family that can be a truly positive, good thing for your children.

I suspect the OP doth protest just a tad too much...

yes, I was thinking as I typed that it depends on the hobby! :)

multi, if what you mean is I'm saying all this when in reality I'm desperate for a man I won't deny that ideally I would like to live as one unit with children and their father, however failing that, I think 'my' way is the best way and am happy about that.