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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

476 replies

missmalteaser · 19/03/2016 10:12

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

OP posts:
springscoming · 19/03/2016 11:58

I would make it very clear that they were to sit near the exit and take the children out immediately if they so much as squeaked.

Witchend · 19/03/2016 11:58

The bit that I think you're wrong on is saying that your dm wouldn't have wanted them there as she's wouldn't have wanted them to be upset.
Firstly, unless you spoke directly to her, you don't know that would be her feeling.
Secondly, they may not be upset. Dd1 lost her beloved great granny at that sort of age and went to the funeral. It helped her process her grief and move on. She wasn't visibly upset at the funeral and, much less upset afterwards and able to talk with pleasure about her great granny rather than sadness.
And lastly, it's a bit different saying we don't want children if by doing that you are excluding someone else who can't get childcare. Perhaps at that point you ask yourself whether your dm would rather cousin was there with children, or none of them were able to come, perhaps leaving cousin grieving on her own.

KateInKorea · 19/03/2016 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/03/2016 11:59

Yabu.

They are relatives not strangers. Unless your dad violently objects, their parents should decide if they go or not.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2016 11:59

pinkflowerbluesky my dd is 11 and has some autistic tendencies, I am sure she will sit still for the eulogy but she may find it hard if I get upset and cry, she may find it embarrassing (she does usually when I cry or get upset). You may be surprised by this but as her mum I absolutely do know her. I want her there, but I also want to say goodbye to my mum, her death is a big deal for me but I recognise the loss of a grandparent is not always such a big thing for children, and to expect it to be so is simply placing our own grief unnecessarily onto children.

Fidelia · 19/03/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
missmalteaser · 19/03/2016 12:00

Thank you for your replies. I recognise that I am maybe focusing on this to help myself stop thinking of the big stuff - that my mum and best friend in the whole world is gone.

I have now twice messaged the mother of the children, firstly with a very respectful message about our wishes and the wishes of my dad re: children, apologising for our wishes. She did not respond to that. My last message simply asked if she insists on bringing them would take them out if they start to get restless. Again no response. So it seems this rift is inevitable which is a great shame as it is most certainly NOT what my mum would want.

I find it unforgivable that we are having to deal with this on top of our grief and don't know how i'll forgive this down the line.

I'm totally heartbroken - if anyone has any advice re: coping please PM me

OP posts:
pinkflowerbluesky · 19/03/2016 12:01

Italian I very deliberately stated 'a NT 11 year old'

expatinscotland · 19/03/2016 12:03

She's pretty awful for not respecting your father's wishes.

Inertia · 19/03/2016 12:04

I'm sorry for your loss.

I do think you are being unreasonable though. Your nephew is saying goodbye to his grandmother and he will be grieving too- it's understandable that as a mourner, he would want his wife and children with him, rather than scrabbling about for childcare for the children. I really don't think it'll have any impact on you or your father if the children attend- the focus will be on your own grief.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2016 12:04

curren re "My issue is, is that if dhs mum had banned my kids from her mothers funeral I would have hurt."

It's not quite the same thin, your dh's mum is your mother in law and your kids grandparent, the mum of the kids if the partner of the OP's mum's nephew. It is a further family relationship on, the Op's mum is not the grandparent to these kids.

Re "It would have also meant I couldn't go." Only if you could not have found someone to look after the kids.

Re "So dh would have been even more hurt." would a person really be unable to go to their aunt's funeral without being hurt if their partner was not there? This is not the mum or grandmas of any of these people except the OP!

This will only cause a family rift if the child's mum insists on getting her own way or causes a rift if she cannot.

pinkflowerbluesky · 19/03/2016 12:05

Out of interest, do those who believe children should be exempt from funerals think this also applies when a parent or sibling has passed away?

merrymouse · 19/03/2016 12:06

missmalteser, you are obviously going through a very tough time.

I think at this point you should let the matter drop. There is nothing more you can do.

However, if it is still a problem for your dad, is there not another closer relative (your nephew's parent?) who could talk to him? It's not clear why the children's mother rather than their father is being contacted.

TheStoic · 19/03/2016 12:06

it seems this rift is inevitable which is a great shame as it is most certainly NOT what my mum would want.

It's not inevitable, OP.

I think your nephew's partner is doing the wrong thing, but you can absolutely let it go for your own peace of mind, and maybe as a gift to your mother.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2016 12:09

My son was 3 when his elder sister died, pink. We did not bring him to her funeral. It was a Requiem Mass. He would not have been able to sit still because he was 3.

Gizlotsmum · 19/03/2016 12:10

Have you spoken to your nephew? Your refer to his partner as the children's mother, are they together still? What do your nephew's parents think? I personally wouldn't bring children to a funeral but I don't think you can assume they can easily get childcare sorted or that their children would be disruptive. How far away are they from the wake and funeral as it could be another determining factor. At my gran's funeral I attended without my 14 month old as I felt it was inappropriate for us. My in laws brought her to the wake and she provided a light relief for a lot of people.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2016 12:10

I don't think an adult grandson is loosely related the man (father of these kids) is not a grandson, he is a nephew.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 19/03/2016 12:11

OP - you've held out a bit of an olive branch to her, and she hasn't replied to your messages, which is very rude of her. I think you should back away from this now, and try not to let it upset you. Concentrate on something else - the flowers or something. I spent ages looking at flowers for my Dad's funeral, it was something I really wanted to do to distract myself from the grief. I also did a reading, and spent hours practising it, recorded myself reading it, got my dc to read it - so I wouldn't break down on the day.

Whatever will be, will be. On the day, if you're anything like me, you will be there with your dad, and probably won't notice half of what goes on. My dad's funeral is a haze now - I just got through it somehow. Do you have siblings that you share this with?

Take care of yourself Thanks

Hamishandthefoxes · 19/03/2016 12:12

He's the op's nephew. Hence grandson of the op's mum.

OliviaStabler · 19/03/2016 12:12

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

The only wishes that need to be adhered to are the close family of the deceased. I don't care if a family member thinks it is a good 'life lesson' for their dc, they can find another way to broach that subject. I also don't think family members should get offended that their dc are not invited, it is up to the immediate family who they choose to invite. Everyone else should respect that decision and leave ego out of it.

Do what you feel is right.

merrymouse · 19/03/2016 12:13

My understanding is that this is the op's nephew, he is the grandson and his children are great grandchildren.

If he were a nephew and cousin of the op, the op's mother would be their great aunt.

rumbleinthrjungle · 19/03/2016 12:14

I very much resent the idea of a funeral service being a learning opportunity for dcs and that this is more important than the feelings of those closest to the deceased.

This. Totally this.

Obviously if it's a sibling or parent of the child then it's very different, but for a more distant relative to the children this is wildly selfish and making things harder for those who are most affected by this loss. Distressed close relatives have already said they aren't up to coping with a 3 year old in the service and don't want it, so posters saying they'd personally find it enchanting is irrelevant.

Op, I supported a family member with 2 year old dts at an older family member's funeral and the children watched the procession arrive outside the crem then the mother took them for a walk in the garden and met up with the rest of the family outside the crem after the service, and then they came to the wake. There were various more distance family members standing by who would have walked the children around the paths for a while. Is this an option? Dts got the idea of the flowers, the cars, but that was where their interest ended and they would have spent the service climbing on the pews and chattering, and completely occupying the attention of all adults in their vicinity. This sounds rather like an adult wanting her children on centre stage at a time when it is not all about her.

I can well imagine you will find this very hard to forget. I'm very sorry your loss is being compounded by this thoughtlessness Thanks

Hamishandthefoxes · 19/03/2016 12:19

Are you absolutely sure that your nephews partner has received your messages? If you're going to start a family rift on it you need to know its deliberate and not accidental / wrong address/ old phone or profile etc.

Has anyone actually spoken to your nephew (eg your dad or your sibling)?

LyndaNotLinda · 19/03/2016 12:24

The children's great-grandmother has died. Their father has lost his gran.

I would have been devastated if my dad had told me not to bring my son to my gran's funeral.

Original poster
missmalteaser · 19/03/2016 12:25

Yes she has the messages as she sent condolences from the same number earlier in the week. Nephew is in agreement with his partner that they should have the choice. We have all spoken to him about our wishes. He is very upset too. I messaged him to say do whatever he needs to do. This does not change my view of the partner trying to push this through and then ignoring pleasant messages from me at this hard time.

OP posts: