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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

476 replies

missmalteaser · 19/03/2016 10:12

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 19/03/2016 11:17

Sorry for your loss Flowers
I also don't think funerals are a suitable place for children. When my mother in law died my children just came to the wake and have had no problems about death.

Fidelia · 19/03/2016 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambambini · 19/03/2016 11:19

I'd want to respect your dad's wishes. My kids were 3 and 6 at my mum's funeral and i didn't want them there. Everyone deals with it differently.

shazzarooney99 · 19/03/2016 11:19

sorry for your loss but i think they should be there and say theyre goodbyes too.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2016 11:24

'Children have every right and need to be at a funeral. Seeing adults be upset about the death shows then that its normal to grieve for a lost love one. '

No, they don't. A person's funeral is not a lesson about death for kids.

YANBU.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2016 11:24

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to not want to risk your saying goodbye to your mum and your dad saying goodbye to his life time partner to potentially be ruined by two very young children. Children who are only very loosely related to your mum and will almost certainly not understand the solemnity of the occasion!

Yes, it is good for children to be exposed to the fact we all die, but it is not your responsibility to do that!

Yes, these children may be upset, and may want to grieve, if they had a close relationship with your mum, but they are invited to the wake, which will be there chance to do that. Actually, I feel children (IMHO) sometimes feel quite differently about the death of a vague older relative, this is very different from the loss of a beloved grandmother who has virtually brought you up or the loss of a sibling or parent, of course. Understanding death at 3 is very hard! My son is 5 and he does grasp it and I am told that he is quite young to do so!

So what is being 'weighed' here is the right of the immediate family who are grieving, and the rights of the Op's mum's niece's partner to bring the kids to something they are not invited to. To me it is no competition. I would never dream of taking my children to a funeral it if would upset an aunt, uncle or cousin who was grieving. The mum of these kids sounds utterly insensitive.

Yes, there was a time when children were routinely excluded from many things and that was wrong, but now there seems to be an assumption they are and should be welcomed every where even when they are not invited!

expatinscotland · 19/03/2016 11:25

I'm amazed anyone would consider putting their own feelings above that of the deceased's closest relative(s). How fucking self-centred.

ABitSensible · 19/03/2016 11:29

YANBU. I was not allowed to attend my Grandads funeral, but I was aware he was my Dads Dad, and that at that time Dad had nothing to spare.
I was 6.

Yes, I missed not going, but I asked to visit his grave afterwards and put some flowers on. That was my special, private moment.

GabiSolis · 19/03/2016 11:30

The wishes of the immediate family should always be respected where reasonable. This is totally reasonable. If no wishes are expressed then it's up to the parents of the children (although personally I think they should go if possible).

I'm very sorry for your loss. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2016 11:31

Young children often seem to find it very hard to sit still and quiet for any period of time these days. My kids have been going to church for years (they are now 5 and 11) and they find it very hard to sit still or quiet! At church this does not matter at all, but when people are delivering a eulogy they have thought about and cried over, listening to music they have carefully selected or watching a film show of photos lovingly chosen it is appalling to think this special time could be spoiled by the noise and disruption of very young children, who may in turn get very little out of the occasion.

It is the mum of these young kids who is causing or risking causing a family rift, and to do so when the OP and her dad are grieving is utterly unacceptable.

In your shoes, missmalteaser, I am not sure I would worry too much about what your mum may have felt about children at funerals or children being upset. I am not sure children will get upset about such a loose family connection, unless they were very close. They may be scared, by the presence of a coffin, especially if it is open casket. Coffins would probably only factor on young children's radar in movies and cartoons, scary or semi scary ideas, so I am not sure young children would associate them with grief necessarily.

In your shoes I think I would consider that the thing to focus on is your dad's desires and wishes. Although as the daughter your feelings are just as important. If your dad's approach softens, I think I would go with it, even though you would not be unreasonable to still feel decidedly unhappy that this has occurred at this time! For the sake of harmony I would simply want to support my dad. This is, I think, how I felt when my dad died, years ago, I wanted to support my mum.

pinkflowerbluesky · 19/03/2016 11:32

I would be shocked if a NT 11 year old couldn't be quiet during an eulogy and IME they absolutely would.

Hamishandthefoxes · 19/03/2016 11:35

My children 8 and 6 recently went to my grandma's funeral (they were asked to go by my aunt - closest relative to my gm). Both sat still and quietly, joined in the hymns and lit a candle. I'd be surprised if a nt church going 11 yo couldn't behave for an hour.

AgentCooper · 19/03/2016 11:39

A person's funeral is not a lesson about death for kids

This.

Absolutely expat
This isn't about the children, it's about the closest family and them being able to say goodbye as they want to. Or at least it should be.

Northernlurker · 19/03/2016 11:43

I think I would have been extremely upset and offended to be asked not to bring my dc to a funeral if I had decided they could and should attend. They are all older now, youngest is nearly 9, so I think it's unlikely I will face this though.
I do sympathise with your feelings OP but I think you've created a problem where none existed and that's a real shame because regardless of what your mum would have thought about dc attending (and yes some people do believe children should NOT attend funerals) I very much doubt she would have wanted this to be a cause of strife.
I think you will all have the most peace of heart if you face this head on now. Go and speak to your cousin and his partner. Swallow your pride and your anger to apologise for their hurt feeling but also ask them to recognise you were speaking in terms of what your believe your mum wanted, what you know your dad thought a good plan and remind them that you are broken just now. Ask them to be compassionate and generous to you. Take the order of service and discuss it with them. Presumably there is a hymn near the beginning? Perhaps your nephews partner could come in for that part and some prayers but leave discreetly so you can concentrate on the tributes or sermon if that's what you want? Don't let this fester. Endless family trouble can be created by funerals and sometimes it can't be fixed but this can.
I'm very sorry for your loss and that you've had this extra trouble now on top but I do believe that this can be mutually resolved and that's what should happen because there is something to change and fix on both sides.

ConfuciousSayWhat · 19/03/2016 11:43

Yabu imo. Children have as much right to grieve as adults

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/03/2016 11:44

I don't think an adult grandson is loosely related so the issue of his children being there does involve immediate family. I agree that this is for your sibling (DN's parent) to sort out with your Dad. I would step back and let them sort it out. It's easy for things to be blown out of proportion when you are grieving (my eldest brother had to very diplomatically defuse a row between my other DB and me over something trivial when arranging my DF's funeral - everybody is so raw. )

squoosh · 19/03/2016 11:49

Although 6 and 3 year olds can hardly be classified as 'toddlers' I think it would be rude of them to bring their kids to the service when you and your father have specified you'd prefer it to be child free. I'm a fan of children at funerals but would obviously always go along with what was requested by the principle mourners.

Sorry for your loss.

PixieChops · 19/03/2016 11:53

My 1 year old wasn't allowed to go to my grandads funeral and I was really upset about it. She had seen him a few times and I was also heavily pregnant at the time. We had to find someone to have her for the morning which meant I couldn't stay for long at the wake. It hurts me to this day that my daughter wasn't allowed to be a part of saying goodbye to her great grandad. I know you're hurting but I do think YABU and as other pp have said- it's good for children to see things like this and have an understanding from an early age.

AmyInTheBoonies · 19/03/2016 11:55

Yanbu and it's appalling that they won't respect your wishes.

I have a three year old and there is no way she would not make a noise, talk, want to comment etc whilst at a funeral which even if she did it quietly would be disruptive.

MudCity · 19/03/2016 11:55

So sorry for your loss.

As another poster has said, the wishes of your mum and dad override anyone else's view here.

What you are asking is totally reasonable and should be respected.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/03/2016 11:56

Sorry for your loss.

I think yabu and it's the parent's choice whether to bring the children. The 6yo would be fine but 3yo vary wildly. At 3 my dd would have been disruptive and unwilling go sit still and be quiet during the service. I would never have taken her to a funeral. Even now at 4 she's not mature enough to understand. However it's the parent's decision how they want their dc to deal with loss and grief.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 19/03/2016 11:56

Sorry for your loss Op. I don't want to tell you what to do.

However when DH's grandad died, DH's brother and his wife had their twins along. They were abou 2 at the time, so prime roaring age. I know there's no guarantee at all but they were good as gold, and SIL sat with them at the back of the church ready to whisk them out if they started to create. It was actually rather nice having the youngest members of the family there saying goodbye to the oldest. All they did was chirrup a bit and made people smile.

I know it's hard Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2016 11:56

missmalteaser my mum died recently and we have yet to have the funeral.

My young son has decided he does not want to come to the funeral but will come to the wake. This is absolutely his choice but I agree with him. Having him there and getting upset (about a funeral, not necessarily about my mum's death) would really spoil my chance to say a formal goodbye to my mum.

My daughter is coming but she is nearly secondary school age. I was 15 before I went to my first funeral. So had lost at least one grandparent before that time, probably when I was about 9 or 10. I think greater openness about death to kids is a good move generally but the very young just do not really understand death in the same way as older people do, and in a way, it's good they don't they don't need to deal with all that at 3, it can be unsettling. Since my mum died my son (5) has talked about death and prayed 'God let us live a long time.' He is better now but at first was quite scared by death.

missmalteaser find your own space at the funeral, at the wake and at other times to remember your mum and do not let this thoughtless relative spoil your mum's funeral for you. May you find many happy memories of your mum to help you feel calm and peaceful at this time.

My condenseness for you loss. XXXX

AuldYow · 19/03/2016 11:57

I'm afraid I'm firmly in the camp of children going to funerals. As previous posters said it's the next generation and can be a great comfort knowing that the deceased will live on in them.

DHs family are firmly in the camp of no children, he couldn't go to a close family members funeral at 11. This deeply affected him and after counselling at 40 he finally reconciled his feelings.

Grief is such a personal thing Thanks

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2016 11:57

OP - this is not your issue to deal with.

Yes it is, because it's her dad's wishes and the nephew and his wife have no business over-riding them.

If they can't get childcare then the children stay outside with their mother, or she doesn't go.

I wouldn't want children of that age there either. For once, I do think it's likely to be a generational thing (old gimmer) and I think the spouse has the final say.

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