To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

[missmalteaser]

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

I remember my dads tears about his brother at the funeral but he held my 9 month old and he gave him comfort.

I think it totally depends on the type of funeral. The wailing that a pp described above is not something that children should be subjected to, nor should young children be expected to sit through a long ceremony. My darling DH died last month, and his cremation ceremony was led by a civil celebrant. We had recordings of his favourite songs, and close family members, including myself, told stories and said what he had meant to us. His close friend and his son (friend's son) played us in and out with a saxophone and trombone combo. I would have been devastated if our five grandchildren (aged 2 to 8) had not been present to say goodbye to their beloved GF. They behaved impeccably at both the ceremony and refreshments, and are still talking about the goodbye party. Their presence, including my heavily pregnant DD, gave us all a lovely reminder of the cycle of life. My grief for my husband is a private one, and I am glad that his funeral was a joyous occasion with ALL his loved ones present.

Sorry for your loss op. Have you also messaged your nephew just in case it is an issue with dodgy phones or something?

I'm one who thinks kids should be able to go but otoh if I'd been specifically asked not to bring mine, there's NO WAY I'd have a strip and cause a massive scene. I'd just stay home and let the grandson attend alone if I had no childcare.

I think that you shouldn't have asked her to veto the service tbh, rather that if she could find childcare it would be greatly appreciated.

Perhaps phone & talk to her or your nephew?

Strop

What does your DB/DSis think? Is there a reason why they are not managing the situation with their own child?

Would it help if you can try to find out why they want to bring the children? Maybe they do want them to be able to say goodbye, rather than just being worried about childcare, which might make it easier for you to accept. I took my DS(3) to my father's funeral recently. He sat there without moving or making a sound and it has helped him to understand, in his own way, that Grandad has died. He is used to going to church though, and the service was considerably shorter than Mass!

My condolences for your loss OP

Sorry I pressed send too soon. However, I was going to say, yours and your father's feelings are paramount. Being huffy with a grieving person is just not on. You've done as much as you can do to salvage things. Now get through each day the best you can. My best wishes for you. Xx

She might just be taking her partner's side. This is really between your nephew and his parent. You have done what you can.

Why are you messaging her and not just your nephew? He's the family member after all. He's also communicated his thoughts on the subject too which appear to be in agreement with his partner. So why is he not the big bad wolf in this?

YANBU. At my grandmothers funeral, someone brought a baby and it cried out in the most awkward places. As babies would, no fault of them. And of course their parents should have judged when to take them out of the room. But when you're trying to listen and spend that time grieving at the specific time appointed to saying goodbye together, I just don't think it's appropriate.

So sorry for your loss. I hope things work out.

I wondered that too Chaz. OP what are your brother/sister's thoughts on their grandchildren attending? Isn't it a conversation better coming from them rather than you?

YANBU if your DM's spouse does not want young children at the funeral then that should be an end to it.

Also grief makes us feel things so much more. In the normal course of events you would just have thought 'silly arse' about your relative insisting on bringing uninvited children to a family occasion then thought no more about it.

Instead you are hurting so this just adds to the pain.

At the point when you should be supporting your father and the wider family should be supporting you members of that wider family are adding to your pain.

Is there another relative who could be asked to have a word with these people to remind them that their role is to support people closer in than themselves? They may be focussing on giving their children 'life experiences' and forgetting that their is genuine grief and pain.

I do think it's an unreasonable request, but I think once said request is made it would be even more unreasonable not to comply with it, if that makes sense.
Children were excluded from family funerals when I was growing up and I think it was a big mistake. But I also think the wishes of those closest to the deceased take priority, whether I agree with their point of view or not.

I'm sorry for your loss

If I've understood correctly, it's the OP's nephew, so he would be the grandson of the OP's mum. The OP's sibling would also be a child of the deceased. If the OP's sibling is attending the funeral service, it might well be the case that he or she wants his/her grandchildren there, or recognises that her son would not have the support of his wife if the children were unable to come.

In this case, the 'people closer in ' that the OP's nephew is supporting would also be a child of the deceased.

expatinscotland I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

missmalteaser I am so sorry you are having to go through all this on top of losing your mum. re "I find it unforgivable that we are having to deal with this on top of our grief and don't know how i'll forgive this down the line."

Please reserve judgement on whether you can forgive until later. They are totally wrong and may come round when one of them loses a parent and realises for the first time exactly what it is like. I am not wishing that on anyone but I know before I lost either of my parents I had no idea what it was like. I sat and watched my mum dying and this has all affected me a lot and for those outside the immediate family to demand what they want in relation to the funeral would be totally wrong IMHO!

Please find some counselling from a bereavement centre and feel free to PM me.

www.cruse.org.uk/

Totally agree with merrymouse to it drop now, you have done all you can, and if your dad needs support n this can another help? Your aunt or uncle, can they help the situation/smooth family relations?

Sorry.

Personally, I think you should respect your mother's wishes. It's about her, not anyone else. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this though.

So sorry for your loss OP. Whether it was expected or sudden it still feels like the stuffing's been taken out of you.

Can I ask if this is about your nephew's DC. ie your brother or sister's grandchildren. Or are they your mother's nephews children? If they are your DM's great grandchildren then they and your nephew should be able to attend the funeral IMO.

My DC have attended all of their great grandmothers' funerals from when the youngest was only 2 or 3. They followed the lead from everyone else and knew when to be quiet. They also came to my lovely stepmum' funeral, as did her toddler grandchildren. There were children at my father's funeral too. At no time were any of them any trouble at all.

My DC loved their great grandmothers and saw them a lot. It would not have been right for them not to be there. They were grieving too and needed to learn how to deal with it from the adults around them.

If these children are your mum's great grandchildren then they need to be allowed to grieve too.

Ds has been to all local family funerals. Usually we sit at the back and he is taken out if he becomes noisy. At his grandmothers we were at the front and he stayed despite some (happy) noise because that is what his grandad wanted. I think when children are at an age to not really understand what is going on, it is the closest family's wishes that come first.

Oopse, I think I have got a bit mixed p about family relationships and the man is closer to the deceased than I thought, but still not immediate family. I still think immediate family wishes trump those of others. It is not about excluding people for the sake of it.

I am very happy to have kids at my funeral, but those who will organise my funeral will have the right to say no small kids if they so choose.

YANBU OP. These are you mother and father's wishes and tour nephew and his wife are being incredibly rude.

I'm on the fence about whether kids should come to funerals or not, I can see both sides of the argument. But, if someone specifically asked me not to bring my kids I would never in a million years dream of insisting on bringing them. Even if I strongly felt they should come i might rant privately, I might moan on Mumsnet about how unfair it was. But I would arrange childcare and they would stay away, and I definitely wouldn't say anything other than polite acceptance of the decision to the bereaved person who asked it of me.

I don't understand why nephews partner can't keep them outside anyway? That's what we did when my aunt died 18 months ago. DD was 18 months old and I felt had the potential to disrupt the service so I didn't want to risk it. My DH walked her round the crematorium gardens in the pram, they looked at the trees and flowers and we're ready to meet me (and my bereaved uncle) when we came out. I was glad of the space to cry without worrying about upsetting her, and she was a breath of fresh air to people afterwards. So IME what you've asked them to do works very well.

They don't even understand the concept of death at 2 or 3. They are incapable of this neurologically due to the immaturity of their brains, much less take cues from adults around them about grief following death .

Some people really put a lot upon toddlers.

But it would confuse things a bit if the nephew's parent (OP's sibling) who is also immediate family disagreed with the OP and was encouraging of his grandchildren attending.

Just to clarify as there has been some confusion
The OP refers to the DC as the Mum's Great Grandchildren.
Her DN is a Grandson.
Her DN's parent is the OP's sibling.

This is why I think I think the OP should let her sibling deal with the situation because what we appear to have now is one bereaved sibling telling the child of another bereaved sibling what they can do. I think it is for DN's parent to speak to their Father about his wishes for their Mother's funeral.