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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

476 replies

missmalteaser · 19/03/2016 10:12

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

OP posts:
PhoebeJeebies82 · 19/03/2016 10:56

Sorry for your loss OP

I took my Dd to his dad's mums funeral, he wanted to go and so did his dad and family. Worst decision I've ever made tbh. He was 8 and he said he wishes I had said no he couldn't go. He said he remembers his nanny in a box, going into the ground and he's had nightmares.

Last year my mil died and no children were allowed at the funeral and family children only at the wake. She didn't agree with children being at funerals so we all respected this. One of my bil friends parents brought their grandchild to the wake who I guess was 6/7 and she just screamed through the whole wake.

Depends on how well behaved the child is and the wishes of the deceased close family imo

Caprinihahahaha · 19/03/2016 10:57

How awful for you, feeling stuck in the middle of it when you are yourself grieving.

I always think the wishes of the primary mourners is paramount and your fathers wishes should be respected.
Having said that I think that saying chikdren cannot attend to avoid their being upset is wrong. Death is part of life. I think chikdren should attend. My DC all attended my dads funeral. I would have been extremely upset if anyone tried to stop their attending.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/03/2016 10:58

I think it also may depend on how many of you have children. Me and my siblings all had children of varying ages so would have been including some and excluding others in the same family if there was an age limit.

Is your DN the only one with children in the immediate family? If he is then it might feel like his family is being singled out.

ohtheholidays · 19/03/2016 10:59

I'm so sorry for your loss OP,I lost my Mum it will be two years in April.It has honestly been the worst thing I've ever been through.I hope you have lots of love and support around you. Flowers

My family is huge and my Mum was very much loved by all who knew her so her funeral was massive.My Mum was a Nan(all adult grandchildren apart from mine)and she was a Great Nan to 15 children the oldest of those Great Grandchildren was 8,he came to the funeral and so did all of my 5DC our youngest was 6.
The others didn't want to bring they're DC but it was they're choice.
All 6 children that were there were extremly well behaved and 2 of our DC are autistic including our youngest DD who was only 6 at the time.

Could you maybe talk to your nephew and his wife and tell them that you were just concerned for they're DC with seeing lots of you upset and crying,say you just didn't want them to be afraid.
That way it should heal the rift because they'll think you were just beeing concerned for they're LO's plus it might make them think about what happens if the children do get scared and upset,it might make them change they're mind about bringing them or it might at least make them sort out a plan incase that does happen,like one of them going outside with they're DC if they do get upset.

YANBU of course your not,you've lost your Mum your more than entitled to want what you want but hopefully phrasing it as concern for the children will stop the rift and might make them reconsider.

guerre · 19/03/2016 10:59

I think the six year old would need to go, to say goodbye to their GGM. I lost a grandparent at that age, and the funeral actually helped me deal with it, a lot.
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry issues like this are adding to your stress. Flowers

Jessbow · 19/03/2016 11:00

Find a friend that will push the pushchair/walk abut with the older ne, during the service, if its the crem it will be all of about 10 ins

DancingDinosaur · 19/03/2016 11:02

It's up to your dad. Whilst I think children should go to funerals there's no way that would trump spouses wishes.

Fratelli · 19/03/2016 11:02

Yabu sorry. Children do not need to be sheltered from death, it is a natural part of life. The funeral may help them to process what has happened.

Hamishandthefoxes · 19/03/2016 11:02

I am a strong believer in children being allowed to attend funerals. I went to my sisters funeral aged 4 and remember it as if meant I knew what had been going on - I wouldn't have been shielded from grief by not going - my parents grief was so raw and palpable that it helped me make sense of it.

However, it is up to the closest family as to whether they want children there, but imo excluding people from the funeral is something which should be done with real caution as it can cause ongoing family rifts. How does your sibling feel about the ggdcs going? Do they sympathise with your dad? Or would they like them there?

SpunnyFoonerism · 19/03/2016 11:02

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

You can request that the children not attend but, assuming the service is being held at a church, that's all you can do.

murmuration · 19/03/2016 11:02

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I can't quite follow if your father said he didn't wish them there, or just said it? His views should dominate, but I can see them not understanding. And I'm not sure keeping them away is the way to keep them from being upset. If they had a close relationship with her, going to the funeral may actually help.

I went to my great-grandmother's funeral - I don't know how old I was, but it was something reasonably young like 4 or 5. Thinking back, I can't have met her too many times as we only visited 2-3 my grandmother times a year, and went upstairs to great-grandma's place only sometimes. But she features large in my early memories, and I still feel very attached to her, and attending the funeral while something that was still fuzzy in my understanding, was important for my closure of my memories, as I understood it was saying goodbye. Mostly I remember all the adults dressed so nice and being so solemn and thinking how important my great-grandmother was for all of them to be there.

merrymouse · 19/03/2016 11:03

I think your dad's wishes should be respected. However, ordinarily I think this would have been communicated to your nephew by your dad or the sibling who is your nephew's parent. Are they not around?

Thymeout · 19/03/2016 11:04

YANBU

I very much resent the idea of a funeral service being a learning opportunity for dcs and that this is more important than the feelings of those closest to the deceased.

The wishes of the prime mourner, the widower of the deceased, are paramount in this situation.

He and Op are quite certain that the deceased would not have wanted children at her funeral. In my family, too, it's not customary for children to attend the service until they are old enough to be able to take part in it, not just kept quiet at the back. A 3 yr old is far too young even to be able to be trusted to behave respectfully and will v likely have no memory of the event. They have been invited to the wake.

So sorry for your loss and that you are having to deal with this on top of everything else.

bakeoffcake · 19/03/2016 11:05

It is the spouses decision

It doesn't matter what anyone does or thinks, the spouse gets to decide.

All you saying they should go because you think it's best for the child, you would put their needs before the husband of the deceased? Because of you do that you are being extremely rude and insensitive.

bakeoffcake · 19/03/2016 11:06

*if

Flashbangandgone · 19/03/2016 11:06

Why not?! Not attending my brother's funeral (I was 3) has caused issues with the way I've handled death ever since.

My grandfather didn't want children at my grandmother's funeral... I was 12(!) and went to aunt (other side of family).... I was moderately close to her, but even at that age attending th funeral wasn't something that concerned, and i was quite a sensitive child. Unless there is a very close bond between grandmother and grandchildren/great-grandchildren (which I appreciate there may have been with your brother), I don't think their attendance helps th children, and potentially prevents others from grieving at what is very much an grown-up event. The principal mourners should be able to dictate this... The OP is NBU

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 19/03/2016 11:07

I can't imagine taking children to a funeral if the deceased's close family had expressed that they would prefer no children present.

I posted earlier, but I do totally agree with this - I'm so sorry you're stuck in the middle of this at such an awful time, OP Thanks

Fugghetaboutit · 19/03/2016 11:07

Yanbu

misscockerspaniel · 19/03/2016 11:07

I am sorry for your loss. During the time between my mother dying and her funeral, I felt as though I was in limbo. Grief muffles and protects you, to a certain extent, and to be honest, I never knew who attended her funeral because I simply didn't notice them.

aprilanne · 19/03/2016 11:08

sorry for your loss you but yabu .because children must be allowed to grieve as well .you cannot actually legally ban family from a funeral so she may just come anyway .my greatgrandmother died when i was 10 and i was the only one of my cousins allowed to attend .even my 14 year old didnt come because her parents thought it upsetting .but my mum thought i should learn with life there is always death my cousins still go on about being banned and we are in our middle /late 40s .children let everyone now life must go on

Sparklycat · 19/03/2016 11:08

You are being unreasonable. Anyone should be able to attend a funeral to say goodbye. I didn't want my dads ex wife at his but there's nothing you can do.

MissBattleaxe · 19/03/2016 11:11

Yanbu. Your dad's wishes should be respected, not challenged. Very poor form to start insisting your children attend against the wishes of a grieving widower.

herecomesthsun · 19/03/2016 11:13

Sorry for your loss. Flowers, I'd think your wishes should be respected

airforsharon · 19/03/2016 11:14

I'm surprised at the number of people who think it's the parents decision.

I think it's absolutely the right of the nearest family - in this case your Dad as her spouse - to decide. He's requested the children don't attend the actual funeral but join you at the wake, and I think his wishes should be respected.

Of course legally anyone can attend but is nephew's wife so self centred/thick skinned she's prepared to cause upset by insisting on getting her own way?

curren · 19/03/2016 11:17

My issue is, is that if dhs mum had banned my kids from her mothers funeral I would have hurt.

It would have also meant I couldn't go. So dh would have been even more hurt.

I wouldn't have taken my kids. But I think either way this will cause a family rift.