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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

476 replies

missmalteaser · 19/03/2016 10:12

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

OP posts:
curren · 19/03/2016 10:38

Yes people die but people are also raped and murdered but I still turn the news off when something g horrific is on

Completely different.

This is affecting them. This is their family. Not something in the news.

BillBrysonsBeard · 19/03/2016 10:39

pinkflowerbluesky I felt the same at my dad's funeral, having my 1 yr old DS there was a relief. Like you say it brought some joy into a truly miserable day and a reminder of the circle of life.. It was also great to have a distraction from drowning in a weeping mess.
That said, I wouldn't like it if kids were running all over the place.. But being present and making noise is fine.

Salmotrutta · 19/03/2016 10:39

The OP seems to suggest that her Dads wishes are for the children not to go to the funeral but to go to the wake?

If that is the case then it's her Dad's wishes that count

BishopBrennansArse · 19/03/2016 10:40

YABU.
It's really not good to shield children from death.

pigeonpoo · 19/03/2016 10:40

Could the kids be given a job to do at the wake to make it clear they're not excluded altogether and valued as family? Like a poem to recite or song to sing or something?

pinkflowerbluesky · 19/03/2016 10:41

Death is very much a fact of life though as in it will happen to everybody: rape and murder doesn't fall into that category, thankfully.

Bill I'm sorry for your loss of your Dad, and glad your DS brought you some comfort Flowers

allowlsthinkalot · 19/03/2016 10:41

YABU. The children have as much right to be there as adults. They have a right to say goodbye to their relative and begin to process that just as much as you do. It's a call for the children's parents to make.

Duckdeamon · 19/03/2016 10:45

Yanbu to request that DC don't attend, and your nephew and niece are being very insensitive and selfish IMO, but since you can't really enforce anything best to try to set it aside.

Extended families' DCs' ' "right" to attend a funeral doesn't outweigh the wishes of the deceased or her partner/children IMO.

HooseRice · 19/03/2016 10:45

I personally agree with you wouldn't (and haven't) take kids to a funeral service.

I know you are hurting but try not to make something you have no control over bother you to a huge degree.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Thatrabbittrickedme · 19/03/2016 10:46

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Personally I think YANBU, I do not take my DC to funerals. Now eldest is 8 I would consider taking her if it was someone important to her. I would not have taken them at age 3 and 6. I also think that your DF's wishes are paramount. Your nephew and his DW are being selfish not to respect your DFs wishes.

That said, I appreciate there are differing views on DC at funerals per pp above, and I also think it is not something you should allow a rift to happen over, at what is already a highly emotional and difficult time. In your situation where your Nephew's wife has unfortunately decided to assume an entrenched position I would suggest better to let this slide, but ask her to ensure she sits at the back and removes the 3 yo out of spect to other mourners if they are unable to stay quiet.

Thatrabbittrickedme · 19/03/2016 10:47

Cross-post with Hoose and *out of respect...

Silvercatowner · 19/03/2016 10:48

*Children of that age absolutely do not need to be at a funeral.

Why not?! Not attending my brother's funeral (I was 3) has caused issues with the way I've handled death ever since.*

This except it was my Dad who died when I was 5.

sonjadog · 19/03/2016 10:48

Sorry for your loss. In this case I think YABU. They aren't toddlers, this is their family and your nephew's partner also may want to be there very much. Don't let this cause a rift in your family.

vindscreenviper · 19/03/2016 10:49

I can't understand the lack of empathy that would make somebody put their own wishes above those of a grieving spouse in this situation.

whatdoIget · 19/03/2016 10:50

My ds was 3 when a relative died. I didn't take him because I didn't see the point and I didn't want to be distracted by restraining him and chasing after him!!
I picked him up afterwards and took him to the wake, where his presence was appreciated by all the family. I was lucky to have someone available to loon after him though, I know.

Paperchaserr · 19/03/2016 10:50

My family have always left children back at wherever the post-funeral reception is with somebody designated to look after them. I would never think of taking small children to the actual funeral but afterwards it's lovely for them to be around, see everybody and soften the loss. To me that's the best compromise, but obviously others feel differently. Ultimately it should be up to the closest relatives of the deceased imo.

whatdoIget · 19/03/2016 10:50

Look, not loon Hmm

MrsDeVere · 19/03/2016 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 19/03/2016 10:53

YAnbu
Sorry fir your loss
Interesting point, I hadn't thought how awful it would be to deal with a funeral and children.

Haffdonga · 19/03/2016 10:53

I clearly remember not being allowed to go to my beloved grandmother's funeral at the age of 6 because in those days it was believed that children should be 'protected' from death. Instead of feeling reassured I felt left out and ostracised.

There are two different things being discussedand confused here - whether young children should attend funerals in general and whether these particular young children should attend your mum's funeral.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Would it help to let go for now the debate about whether or not any young child should attend any funeral? (That can be decided by the parents of the children involved). Instead focus on your particular worries about these children at your mum's funeral? If you are concerned that they will make noise or disruption you could agree with your nephew and his partner that the children attend but they use seats at the back and if they are dispruptive or distressed they be taken out quickly and quietly.

I hope the funeral goes smoothy.

Horsemad · 19/03/2016 10:54

I can't imagine taking children to a funeral if the deceased's close family had expressed that they would prefer no children present.

Where's the respect?

gingercat02 · 19/03/2016 10:55

It's ultimately your Dad's choice as her DH and next of kin.
However I took my 6m DS to my Aunt's funeral, but as pp said I'm Irish and children are accepted/expected to come to the actual service. Also my lovely Auntie would have loved that he was there.

I didn't take the same DS at 2 to my DH uncle's funeral as his family wouldn't have felt it appropriate, he and I wandered around the grounds and looked at the gravestones and garden of remembrance, and went to the wake.
We have no childcare and the funeral was 5 hours drive away but DH needed me there so we went.

No other children were there on either occasion.

228agreenend · 19/03/2016 10:55

I peso ally wouldn't take young children to a funeral, especially if they are not used to going to,church, and not used to sitting quietly for a long time.

If they were the sort of child who would sit quietly, and not be nosiy,, boisterous etc, then I wouldn't have a problem. However, if they are not used to this kind of environment, then they shouldn't be there.

Sorry for your loss.

WorraLiberty · 19/03/2016 10:56

Yes people die but people are also raped and murdered but I still turn the news off when something g horrific is on

I'm sorry but I cannot get my head around that at all.

The one sure thing we can all depend on in this life, is that we'll all die at the end of it. Thankfully, that's not the case with being raped or murdered.

Death is the most natural thing in the world, as is being born. Therefore 'rape and murder' is completely incomparable!

pinkflowerbluesky · 19/03/2016 10:56

My childhood was spent going to funerals of deceased relatives!