DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

I would say I don't believe a word you've said fourage, but I suspect you are telling the truth of how you see your own parenting skills - without all the shit bits.

The way you talk about parenting is as though you've never actually met any children and known them long term.

Most children can sniff out weakness at a hundred paces and will exploit it for all its worth to their own ends, it's what they do, and your wishy-washy hippie-shit gentle, non-confrontational ideas would be a fucking godsend to any child looking to manipulate the world around them to suit their own needs.

I'd love to hear your views on the subject of punishment in wider society, such as for people who sexually assault children or who starve/torture/beat their own children to death, but it might be a bit off topic?

I'm amazed that someone can get children into their 20s and NEVER have raised their voice, told them off or given punishments.

And fourage, I am also really REALLY curious as to how you would deal with the bin issue. Beyond chatting nicely about it.

WHO would clean it up?

Mary Poppins did it.

'I'm amazed that someone can get children into their 20s and NEVER have raised their voice, told them off or given punishments.'

Fourage may well have done what he/she's said but (if I can genuinely say this without being shitty about Fourage's DC, who I'm sure are lovely (not being sarky either)) the proof of the pudding and all that...

I didn't behave half as bad as that but once I slammed the door on my dad and being the handy man that he is he had it off the hinges in approx 30 seconds. That taught me, best punishment ever. Hit her with that! we laugh about it now but at the time my world fell apart haha

I don't get the anger that is directed to Fourage.

What is that about?

There are many different ways to parent. Personally I always try to avoid escalating arguments with my teens.

If my 13yr old threw the bin over the floor and shouted at me and locked himself into my bedroom...

I am not sure what I'd do but I'd not be looking to escalate the situation by shouting/removing his door/throwing his stuff in the bin in a rage.

There would be consequences, I would give him time to calm down and we'd have a serious chat about what that was all about.

I might well have cleared the bin rubbish away myself, as otherwise the dog might eat it and you have to be practical! But I would expect sincere apologies and also for him to make it up to me. And I would not be in the mood for doing him a favour for a bit (lifts to friends, cinema, ordering stuff from Amazon)

Maybe I am soft.

But weirdly, my friends all think I am quite strict; we have very clear boundaries in our house.

But dealing with aggression by retaliating aggressively does not work for everyone. My instinctive reaction to someone, anyone, shouting or acting aggressively towards me is to remove myself from the situation and come back when things are calmer.

Different strokes for different folks.

Not saying my way is the best way, just that people deal with issues in different ways.

I am sure Fourage and any of you have figured out a way that works for you, but it won't be a one size fits all approach.

Who is angry towards fourage?

Just wondering what his/her response would be, that's all.

You're right baby, it is probably a sensible but I would have probably lost it if one of mine had done that.

But dealing with aggression by retaliating aggressively does not work for everyone

Punishment and consequences are not aggressive. I object to being told I am aggressive to my kids because I have consequences.

Consequences exist in the real world. Wether there is a reason for doing the wrong thing or not. That's not aggressive.

You have answers your own question. Although it seems odd that you jump to the assumption that we are angry.

I am not angry. A little frustrated that she does answer questions, she asks questions but doesn't acknowledge it. Is claiming her parenting is the only way you are showing children respect. But can't answer how she would get the rubbish cleared off the floor.

I was a horrible teen - very cheeky and not bothered much my threats / punishments. My parents had various ways of dealing with this. The ones that didn't work were ones that came from my mum being unable to stay calm - shouting / threatening to cancel a family holiday / once locking me out of the house!
The ones that worked - when she was very calm and refused to take part in the row and followed through - when I wouldn't clean my room she said she would give me 2 days and after that, anything on the floor went to the tip. I didn't do it so I came home from school and she'd cleared and binned the lot. I took notice from then on and she only had to do it once.

OP I think you're doing fine, just stay calm. And I Definately think you should brake the home / away barriers and tell her you are concerned about her behaviour and will be talking to people at the clubs she goes to. It will do her the world of good to think about how her actions would be viewed outside of the home

No not angry here either. Just very frustrated as a ppl said.

There are bigger consequences in the real world than a nice chat to find a reason. I do talk to the young adults I mentioned in my previous post, to get to the route of the issue, of course I do. But time and time again they show no ownership for their own actions, it's always someone else's fault and that mindset has to be learned somewhere.

And after that nice chat a sanction has to be issued. I've been shouted at had the room destroyed and been called all manner of things because I'm teaching them that when you do something wrong, something not very nice happens,there are consequences.

I've even had a parent ring up because I dared to tell little Johnny if he told someone to tuck off again I would report it. Little Johnny was 22 😁

'I don't get the anger that is directed to Fourage.'

I'm not angry either, but I was wondering why what they've posted rubbed me up the wrong way too, I think it's the evidence from here and in RL of ineffective parents who act as Fourage says they do.

'Listen darling, we don't hit other children do we? Now, please stop hitting Jessica with your bike helmet...No, please stop doing that, you've made Jessica cry/bleed now, that's not the way we behave is it? I don't know why the other children are running away from you, they're not very nice are they? etc etc'

It's the trying to be DC's friend that annoys me about it because there will always be another child on the receiving end of the behaviour that hasn't been challenged or changed by the endlessly patient discussion of respect and trust.

I am imagining that forage wpuld side step the issue without actually dealing with it and her kids would do the same.

And either the runnish temains on the floor or fourage picked it up whilst singing a medley from the sound of music

Perhaps I am wrong. What would you do fourage

I also agree with Fourage and don't quite understand why there is all this angst, incredulity and contempt being directed at them.

Agent, you are conflating ineffective parenting and the type of parenting relationship that Fourage says he/she offers their children...

However it doesn't sound to me as if Fourage is an ineffective parent actually.

No not angry, just they were very, well you are all doing it wrong. But won't then explain what they do that is the right way.

It all sounded like theory.

Don't get me wrong, I think you should stay calm, that is definitely the best thing to do. Understanding underlying problems and moving forward also a big fat yes. There does need to be consequences for actions though.

But when Fourage was asked what should be done, the reply was my DC would never do that in the first place not really helpful to anyone that really is it?

The difference is BabyGanoush you have come on and answered the question without giving it the superior attitude and wriggling out of just giving an simple example of how to deal with a teenage tantrum.

'However it doesn't sound to me as if Fourage is an ineffective parent actually.'

What is it that Fourage has said that makes you believe that no punishment/firm voice is the way to go if you want your DC to comply SeaMagic?

I have 3 DC first is very eager to do the right thing - will make up for bad behaviour and is hard on herself when she makes mistakes

Second is highly strung - very emotional and irrational - is best left to rid herself of the anger (as long as she doesn't hurt anyone) needs containing if she does - very sorry afterwards - no threats or shouting would work whilst she has a meltdown

Third DS very laid back - wouldn't know if he made a mistake but is now maturing well - he would sulk and hide away until ready to face consequences. Hates to be shouted at or told off.

All three need very different parenting.

You can not say what will work for none child will work for others.

We can only offer suggestions - and FWIW I love the idea of removing the door - a step too far can be quite a wake up call!!! And very funny to those that have a sense of humour.

I would also try to do the same as fourage.

I would request the bin to be tidied. Depending on my mood I may even shout as I don't always do what I know works. But the best way is to deal with it is later when you are both calm. Then you talk about it and issue calm consequences if necessary. Often just talking calmly means they are contrite and then you can move on without needing actual consequences. Locking horns when you are both angry gets you nowhere .

Not issuing punishments/not shouting isn't always slack parenting. If a child knows there are clear boundaries then you can deal with it calmly. The trick is to step back and not get caught up in an argument easier said than done I so struggle with this, but I know it is effective if I can take my own advice.

I have no advice op, just a handhold, my eldest pair are 12 and 13 year old girls (y8 and y9) they are Kevin and Perry and I could bang their heads together. They give me a rage and i also feel like calling social services myself to explain that I've been inflicted with a pair of shits.

pleaseplease wise words.

But fourage who would tidy the bin?

THe 12 year old would tidy the bin.

"They give me a rage and i also feel like calling social services myself to explain that I've been inflicted with a pair of shits."

I am sure your kids are not shits.

Calming your rage is the key.