DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

But how if they're refusing??

THe 12 year old would tidy the bin.

what 12 year old?

And when you come against a child that refuses how would you make them.

I totally agree that different children need parenting differently. If the child doesn't respond to your type of parenting, how would you make them clean it up?

If they are refusing then we haven't really resolved the issue, The reasons for the outburst need tackling.

A few years ago we were preparing to move house. My youngest struggled with the idea , we were moving to a new area too, and she wasn't on board with the plan.
I continued with my preparations to sell our house, one of which involved having contractors in to remove a large tree in the front garden, too close to the house which I thought may deter potential buyers.
As the contractors removed the tree my DD lost the plot, she became angry and tearful, running through the house, found herself in the kitchen where she emptied a huge bowlful of raw chicken breasts - destined for dinner into a sinkful of soapy dishwater. It ruined the food and wasted £10 worth of meat. She ran to her room sobbing.

I gave her some time then went to talk. We talked at great length about her feelings, her sadness at leaving a house and village that she loved, talked about her anger, why she felt compelled to destroy dinner, talked some about the happy childhood that she had in the home we were leaving, how it felt to her that she was saying goodbye to her childhood and how sad that made her. We both cried, hugged , kissed she apologised . we became a little closer in that moment, and ended up laughing about the chicken breasts bobbing about in the bubbles. When she felt better she washed her face then walked quietly to the kitchen , fished the chicken out and washed the sink. She then asked to visit the local shop, where she bought more chicken from her own money, came home and cheerfully made a fajita marinade for the chopped chicken- all her idea. She felt listened to, understood, her feelings accepted.

I may have handled the situation differently, I could have become angry, I could have shouted, punished, removed her mobile phone, grounded her, taken off her bedroom door, forced her to tidy up, stopped her pocket money to pay for the chicken.

But that outburst and reconciliation became good opportunity to explore her feelings of sadness at moving, and from then on she was far more excited about the idea of moving to a bigger nicer house, she became far more positive about the whole prospect.

I just give this real life example about how things are done in our family.

If they are refusing then we haven't really resolved the issue, The reasons for the outburst need tackling.

you are missing the point. Sometimes with some kids, the issue takes longer to resolve. Longer to calm down. Sometimes it can take days especially when hormones are raging.

I am certainly not knocking your parenting a style. It clearly works for you kids. But you are wrong to assume that it works for all kids. Would you really wait days to have it cleared up?

My kids are very different. We don't really shout in our house. Dd is much more the the sit down and discuss what happened, how she feels, how feel about what she is done. It's then followed up with consequences. She has never inflected to a consequence yet. Because by the time we are done she understands.

Ds is completely different. Discussing with him him, not matter how calmly doesn't work. He is much more stubborn. He is also younger. I don't respond to tantrums. But he when he has come down off the peak he is told in no uncertain terms his behaviour is unacceptable. Then consequences are put in place. We tried parenting him like dd it didn't work.

I can imagine him being a teen that just won't pick it the rubbish up.

I may be wrong. Dd may becomes the stubborn one. Ds may become more laid back. So we will gangs agin.

We live in a world of consequences, often they are imposed on us. Not our own choice. I will continue to do it because it works. It's not aggressive, violent or degrading.

You do something bad at work you can lose your job. Throw something? You could be dismissed straight away, quite rightly. Being sacked isn't the aggressive or degrading. It's the consequence of your action.

curren I am not suggesting that we don't live in a world of consequences.

We don't however live in a world where a threat of punishment rules out actions.

My kids have never been punished, and despite the suggestion that I have raised a brood of ill behaved entitled children, not one of them has ever been punished at school either. Not once.

Funny that.

Oh dear -

My DD would not pick up the bin - not in a month of Sunday's - no amount of talking or punishment or consequences would get her to do it.

She's also stubborn -

This is what you aren't grasping!!

" But you are wrong to assume that it works for all kids."

curren- but why not? I haven't met a child who doesn't respond to clear communication, and a parent who doesn't get into a rage.

Are you suggesting that some children "need" punishment?

I have raised four kids- two of whom are not biologically mine, owned 5 dogs and I am currently a carer for my elderly mother.

Not one of those 10 individual beings have ever needed punishing.

I do not believe that 4 different children can make it from birth to adulthood without ever ONCE doing ANYTHING which required punishment/consequences EVER.

I just don't believe it.

Mine has never been punished at school either fourage. Never in trouble there ever apart from forgetting their work book once.

Sometimes dc are annoyed at something that has happened at school or whatever and you talk to it.

Sometimes the little dears are just annoyed that you won't let them come home after curfew or they have been asked to do something when they can't be bothered to and want to play xbox etc instead or simply haven't got their own way.

I don't think every single behaviour needs needs to turn into a psychatrist session.

thomas, my kids are not perfect. Of course they have made wrong choices at times. I don't use punishment to deal with that behaviour- that's the difference.

I have never punished a child. I find what works best is not losing your temper ever (of course easier said than done). They do tend to mirror your mood. Chidlren do vary - one of mine was more difficult than the others as a teenager and the current teenagers are easy which may in part be because I am calmer.

I don't think though that those of us who don't need to punish children can easily explain to those who are in the punishing school of thought camp. We are all different from each other. It will partly be our upbringing. my parents were liberal psychiatrist and teacher steeped in Montessori mother - that is our family ethos. No one has hit a child for generations. We all talk. We keep calm. It really does work very well indeed. But other families have a totally different way of being.

The fact that she has never Boeing punished in School males me think there is nothing srong with jet but that she is playing up at home because she knows she gets away with it. If the only think she cares about is the martial class, I thing that's what you need to take away (get nan on your side)

Good grief, autocorrect in another language

Any how, what I meant to say is that if she behaves well in school, that means she is capable of good behaviour at home if she knows she is not going to get away with such dreadful behaviour.

She doesn't get away with it at home though. I have had 12 years of a child who has behaved extremely well. It is only recently she has started like this.

Getting away with it would mean no consequences and she does have consequences.

Fourage, It sounds like you handle things quite similarly to me.

The worst thing for my DC is if they feel that we, parents, don't listen to them or don't understand why they are upset.

We have consequences (DS keeps losing PE stuff, he has to buy replacements with pocket money or accept detention for not having his full kit). But consequences are not the same as punishment, I think?

We have a dog, it's funny, I don't shout at her or punish her either. If I say "now do you think you were being a good girl?!" She drops her head and slinks away, she knows she has done something wrong and hates being "told off" and is very sensitive to tone. If she does not obey me on a walk, she gord on the lead. Consequences.

I don't think that a gentle approach is superior to a more authoritarian approach, it just isn't in my nature to shout (shouting to me is aggression and unsettles/stresses me) and I avoid stress. I don't avoid confrontation though, things have to be dealt with, not shoved under the carpet!

curren- but why not? I haven't met a child who doesn't respond to clear communication, and a parent who doesn't get into a rage.

You could have met 200,000 children and raised 100,000. You still haven't raised all children.

Anyone that thinks all parenting works for all kids, is naive imo.

I remember dbro and sil being confident their second would sleep through, because their first did at 3 weeks and they would do the same. They couldn't understand why the second baby didn't do exactly the same as their first. It didn't enter their heads that it wasn't just down to the parenting technique, it was down to the child itself as well.

We have consequences (DS keeps losing PE stuff, he has to buy replacements with pocket money or accept detention for not having his full kit). But consequences are not the same as punishment, I think?

This seems to be the issue. We have consequences. Such as fusing dd in her Mobile at 11.30pm. Her consequences was that her phone is now downstairs before bedtime.

Some people call this punishment. I call it a consequence. She needs to sleep, I trusted her and she broke the trust. So I monitor her until I can trust her again.

thomas, my kids are not perfect. Of course they have made wrong choices at times. I don't use punishment to deal with that behaviour- that's the difference.

So how do you deal with it? What do you think 'punishment' means? For me, it means unwanted consequences for poor behaviour. What does it mean to you?

I could not parent my children, especially the 3 year old, without needing consequences for poor behaviour. 3 year olds can't listen to a counselling session. Sometimes it has to be as simple as -
3yr old throws car at wall.
I say 'DS please do not do that, you are marking the wall. Look'
A minute later, another car hits wall.
I say 'DS, I have told you not to do that and explained why. If you do it again I will take your car away for the rest of the day.'
Car hits wall. I take car.

The punishment is taking the car.

The fact that DS has thrown cars against the wall does not mean that my parenting to that point has been inadequate. It's just dumb stuff that toddlers do sometimes.

I'm going to say something a bit different and you moght think I'm crazy but taking things away loses its value and soon there's nothing left to take. Teens are a bit like toddlers all over again so try to ignore what you can, pick your battle and go really big on the positives however small otherwise it's a downward spiral.

Try leaving a little gift on her pillow, nothing big a chocolate or a note just because. This might create a more positive atmosphere for you all as it really can't be fun for you living in a war zone.

Elendon that is funny! 😂 Victoria mum at parents evening! To the OP next time she creates a mess like that 'tipping over bins' take picture of mess and hijack her instagram and post it on there.

fourage - the chicken situation worked out well, and was certainly resolved by the discussion, but then it relied on her having the money to get more and also the shop being near enough to access. If she had had no money or transport then it could not have happened.

The bin situation could have happened for the same reason; while you were having the discussion and resolving it all, out of date food, broken glass, gravy etc could have been spreading around the floor. There might be younger children or dogs who could have walked in it. It's kind of different from the chicken in the soapy water because that wouldn't be a potential hazard for others. The discussion might not have ended with agreement from the child to clear it up. It's very possible. Some kids that age get ridiculously "that's gross!" about picking things up.

What would your next step be?

I know you probably won't like this answer, but I found going to a parenting class that dealt with teenage issues very valuable. It gives you strategies to help them and you through some of the most difficult stages in a young persons life. You can go to careforthefamily.org.uk.

Hopealways i would be happy to do parenting sessions. Under ten was a breeze. I had masses of experience prior to dc of younger children. None at all of teens .

Hopealways i would be happy to do parenting sessions. Under ten was a breeze. I had masses of experience prior to dc of younger children. None at all of teens .