DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

moody- the relationship you have with your DD sounds dysfunctional. I don't know why the fostering has anything to do with it.

Relationships with teenagers are all dysfunctional imo, due to their tendency towards irrationality and hyperbole

I frequently make deliberate attempts to ruin my teenagers entire life, often by making totally vile and unreasonable requests of her like "Feed the cat" or "Empty the bin" while she is in the middle of a life changing Snap Chat session.

I'm evil like that.

Your relationship with your DD is fine OP, don't rise to it.

I mentioned fostering because the children i grew up with grew up in ACTUAL dysfunctional homes. Homes where the children were dirty/no clothing/neglected/ parents in bed on drugs and drink till noon or later and a string of different men through the door. Where children missed school because parents couldn't be arsed to take them.

I am struggling to relate that to a home where the child is in school on time every day, fed clean, clothed, a house of things they need , a parent who works school hours so is there for emotional support, homework etc.
A child who had no behaviour issues for twelve years, not even as a toddler when others had tantrums but has only started acting out since puberty started.

Sometimes kids play up for a reason, sometimes they play up because they aren't getting their own way. It doesn't always have to be for a deep rooted psychology related reason.

Your way has worked for you and that is great. I am open to ideas, i am open to parenting classes, i am open to books but i am still unclear what your consequences for bad behaviour are or if you just sit down everytime your kids do something wrong and search for reasons why they have behaved like that. Find a reason and use that as an excuse for their behaviour. Because in my experience if a child wants to get out of being in trouble they will find or make up some reason whether it is truthful or valid or not.

I just hope you don't put others who are asking for advice off posting by going on and on about your perfect parenting which if it doesn't work for others they must be doing wrong.

Lets not forget i have also had the 'perfect' child for 12 years too...

Open mouthed at Fourage' s post re moving house. Did you not consider the child's feelings at the outset , prepare them for the changes and all it would entail, explain that you expected them to be bereft etc? That would've controlled the chicken rage before it started surely. Four teens parented here, and I'm not perfect because I do get frustrated at times but the trick seems to be to pick the battles, praise the good and ignore the bad, shut the door on tippy bedrooms, and certainly not clear up other people's messes.

I find it interesting fourage only started to post yesterday and most posts are to tell me what a perfect parent she in and a crap one I am.

I am reminded of a family I grew up with around the corner.
Her children never did anything wrong either. I remember my Mum going round to theirs because they had done something wrong and being told either My little Jane wouldn't do that or being given an excuse of why their little darling had behaved like that. Usually nonsense.

fourage

I can't be sure she wouldn't, the same as you can't.
The difference is I don't kid myself, because it's setting yourself up for a big fall if it does happen.
Of course, I'd like to believe that she wouldn't and have brought her up to know the difference between right and wrong and acceptable and unacceptable.

I can't agree that punishment is necessarily linked to a father beating a child with a stick, what rubbish.

Eustice Have your children ever been punished at school for doing something wrong, never had a detention? I wonder how confused they must be that their own mother won't punish but at school they would be punished? Wow.

You are certainly not a crap parent! Realistic and honest for sure. How's things today?

moody Don't listen to Ms Sanctimonious. I started a thread a while ago saying that parents overestimate the effect their parenting has on how kids turn out. I remember one poster talking about the '3 P's'- Personality, Parenting and Peers. All children are born with a temperament which you may be able to modify but can't fundamentally change. As they get older, your influence on them diminishes, and peers become extremely influential.
Parenting isn't like some kind of flow chart where you put the child in one end, do x, y and z, and are guaranteed a particular 'result'.
I don't know if people remember the serial killer who killed 5 prostitutes about 10 years ago. It really stuck in my mind because 4 of those women came from what appeared to be loving families but had taken a wrong turn and ended up addicted to heroin.
I'm a mental health nurse and one of my patients had, in her own words 'a perfect childhood and brilliant parents'. It didn't stop her killing herself when she was 25. Other people seem to survive hideous childhoods surprisingly intact. There are so many variables.
And my DD had been very empathic ally parented and is generally wonderful. She's just made a stupid mistake as lots of teenagers do.
fourage Mumsnet is supposed to be about making parents' lives easier. Your posts really aren't doing that.

Thanks Clippity,

Perfect thanks, she seems to realise she went way too far and has been on best behaviour since, my Father was disappointed with her which she hated. She was brilliantly behaved yesterday afternoon and has moved things as soon as I have asked or helped me.

She missed Karate Saturday afternoon as punishment and we have moved on.

Oh I can assure fourage that I have never in dds presence or otherwise
a. Typed the bin contents on the floor in temper.
b. Told my mother/father/any family member or otherwise to shut up. go away , stuck my fingers in my ears and shouted la la la when anyone has been speaking.
c. acted aggressively to anyone physically.

My dd has someone she hangs around with in school who has just gone through the most awful family breakup where they were listening to the parents fighting each night physically and otherwise and an older brother smashing the house up in temper (child tells dd about this and dd has been with her when she tells staff about it) The child has anger issues, a time out pass and I am aware some of the language (I don't mean swearing) is repetitive of things she has said to dd.
The other person she hangs around with apparently has a step mother who is awful and treats her terribly.

I am wondering how much of the behaviour is coming from peers and how much of it is possibly trying to compete with evil mothers in order to try and fit it when socially she is trying to.

*tipped

Ignore Fourage I suspect she is just being goady.

Op you are doing you fine. You aren't shit. Some posters just like to put others down.

I think most young teens just enjoy angst and drama. Where there is none they will create it. Their reasoning skills have also yet to develop so they do genuinely believe that you are deliberately ruining their life and that you hate them by asking them to help out or tidy their own mess.

I know one of my teens friends insists her parents are poverty striken and her life is intolerable because of it.

They live in a 6 bed house and holiday abroad twice a year. I'm sure what she means is that they won't upgrade her iphone 5 to the latest model

They're a strange breed are teenagers, especially girls. The best we can hope for is to get them through to adulthood without killing or maiming them. Trying to understand why they behave the way they do will drive you to insanity.

OP, you sound to me like a normal parent with a normal teenage girl. You're doing just fine.

I'm beginning to see that this is more of a problm with rising girls.
Our dd who is 12 has caused/ still causing us more sleepless nights than her brothers did put together.
i'm convinced it isn't due to the fact they were raised years ago as they are grown up now.
They had their moments, of course they did and ds2 has an Aspergers diagnosis. But in terms of stroppiness and moods, dd has to be the worst of them all.
It doesn't matter how strict or lenient you are with them and even consistent parenting with both mum and dad agreeing on approach make no difference when Hilda Hormone comes to visit

I frequently make deliberate attempts to ruin my teenagers entire life

God if your kid feels that way about having to feed the cat they should have been brought up by mum who very nearly did ruin my life with her appalling and neglectful parenting.

Mine are under this age (2 DDs though, so I know what's coming). But my consequences run along the lines of the actual legal system.

My options are :

Go to room to think about actions (imprisonment), cancellation of days out/activities (loss of freedom that goes with imprisonment), loss of objects (well you're not allowed to take much to prison with you).

Removal of pocket money, or loss of treats (fines)

Doing jobs around the house (community service)

Obviously these are all on a sliding scale, but fit the consequence to the action.

Rubbish on the floor = littering or possibly vandalism. Small fine or community service. Repeat offences.

Hitting = assault. Certainly there would be a loss of freedom. Do this as an adult and you are liable to at least be arrested even if it's not taken further.

And I explain to my children that these are the real consequences for adults doing the same behaviour, not just during these moments but in general. They have a basic grasp of legal wrong/rights I could do without DD1 (7) pointing out loudly the transgressions of people as we travel through the world. Heaven help you if you get stuck in a yellow grid while driving. She has a very scathing glance

BTW so not a perfect parent. I can be shouty mum (8.25am usually). But having this in my head helps me stay calm and work out my range of options. Sometimes I think 'ahhh - that's just a caution really. Let's go make chocolate cornflake cakes'.

BTW door removal? Totally OK if we're in the loss of freedom level of punishment. I don't think prisoners have all of their privacy and personal space issues addressed.

elfy I like that. Although I am not sure whete refusing to get dressed in the morning sits. Public indecency? Unlawful occupation (of a bed). Wrongful improsonmemt?.(of me seeing as I cannot leave the house)

Wrongful imprisonment gets my vote. :)

But I do positive reinforcement over getting ready in the morning. It's one of the ways to earn money, as is behaving on the school run and attending their sports clubs. Pocket money is earned.

Again the poor dears have me over explaining the economics of how money enters the house and how to earn their cut of it.

Play her at her own game, pick her up from school wearing something fabulous darling or something of hers . That did 'it' for me ! (that and changing the wifi pass code) Good luck !

I once took my 13yr olds bedroom door off and put it in the shed, I was so pissed off with her stamping up stairs telling how awful I was before the door got slammed, this would then wake younger siblings, then the phone that I paid for went, no outings, no friends over or her going there, OH and speak to her in the same tone she uses with you, they really hate that, I WISH YOU LUCK, my DD is 19 and at Uni, my 7yr old DD has picked up the mantle already and TBH punishments don't work for her

elfy I do the same. On the average week it works until Wednesday and wears off on Thursday. It's a work in progress.

That "get out of my life" book sounds entertaining and useful but has anyone got suggestions for slightly younger kids. My 8 yr old is not inflexible but she is defiant and downright rude quite often and occasionally totally loses it, gets herself into a total state and even though she knows it will not end well finds it really difficult to stop and let it go. She feels a great sense of injustice.
The rest of the time she is lovely and helpful.
The other one is just stubborn and a bit lazy.
Neither seems to hear no until it is said repeatedly at increasing volume. (E.g. when about to do something they have just been told not to because its obviously a bad idea.)

Their nrp is v difficult. That doesn't help.

So I need strategies for me as I am not handling it as well as I might.

So basically a book for handling kids of the age when they are starting to be a bit more independent, are pretty normal but occasionally a bit of handful and cannot believe they are not always right.

fourage Where are you? I still want an answer to whether I should have taken DD's phone away for her shoplifting exploits.