DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

soupdragon do you punish many people in your life? or just kids?

Well, given I not responsible for bringing anyone else up or have anyone else living my house rules at all that's a bit of a stupid question isn't it?

Certainly there are consequences if someone behaves badly towards me. The difference between Consequences and punishment is often very blurred.

So happy to do parenting lessons that i posted twice. Damn phone

Could be PMT - took me ages to recognise it (DD's 15) so I marked the calendar discreetly when it was really bad. Aggressive, mega hurtful comments, things thrown on floor, lo & behold she came on shortly afterwards and calmed down considerably until same time following month. Just been to docs who's given her pills to take. Jeez I hope they work

I was a child care social worker for 30 yrs & loads of teenagers go through bad stages, its not a reason to be taken into care, unless you are beating her up or something!!! I used to ignore the bad behaviour on the whole (there were times when I couldn't hack it - I'm no saint!) and reward the good. I'd take mine out for a coffee so they could feel grown up & tell me any problems (which they mostly didn't, but they liked being treated as a grown up.) I explained to mine that my job as a mum is to prepare them for adulthood therefore its their job to get their PE kit etc organised. I even made mine use the washing machine on the grounds that it was preparation for when they leave home. As much as possible I'd ignore bad behaviour cos they only do it for attention and mirror back to her what she does to you, so if she wants a lift, you could say you can't be arsed but you might negotiate a deal, i.e. you clean this & I'll take you where you want to go.
I think teenagers are more lost and turbulent inside just like toddlers even though they'll never let on, and this phase will pass, it just feels like it takes forever!!!

You are not alone but were you ever as bad? None of us were angels I'm sure but as I'm probably much older we had to do as we were told as there was just no other choice and people had repect then which no longer appears to be in the dictionary. Althoygh very hard she would not win with me as I would stop doing everything for her such as washing, ironing and cooking other than the same as you cook yourself and quite simply ignore her. Anything she leaves about of her own put in black bin sacks in her room, or in the garage if need be. Child line and SS will support you fully as she has become uncontrollable and I would suggest to,her that you feel she is getting near to needing committing for her and your safety. If you back down you will go under as nobody can live with that. If you have broadband simply take the card out unless you want to use it and don't pay her phone bill.

Haven't RTFT, I'm afraid, but I would like to recommend the book 'Get Out of my Life (But First Take Me and Alex Into Town).

The advice on here is pretty good though, keeping calm and not rising to the provocation is key but bloody hard.

OP, trying to see this from another side- I was really awful as a teenager, but largely the behaviours I had were picked up from adults around me; my parents were both fairly violent and had a violent, messy divorce which dragged on through most of my childhood. My mother then moved in a creepy, mentally troubled boyfriend when my sister and I were young teenagers. In retrospect, I needed both counselling and probably to be living elsewhere. I'm of course not implying at all that your situation is anything like this, but it is worth thinking about what your daughter may have witnessed (even outside the home) and how it may be influencing her. Tipping out bins etc is not normal (it's the kind of thing I would have done, though), I have a 14 year old and although we do have the odd row, she is generally quite sensible (other than losing phones, ffs, and yelling at sister, not always unfairly) and open to discussion. I don't know whether you'd consider (or she'd consider) family therapy or anything to try and work out what the odd behaviour is coming from? My mum always used to come out with 'pmt' nonsense with mine whereas it was quite obviously caused by the crap behaviour of adults that we'd been forced to witness, and I was effectively being the 'scapegoat' for continuing issues (this kind of psychological play-out is pretty well documented if you read up on family issues). Being a teenager is pretty stressful anyway, but it doesn't have to be compounded with family unease if everyone works on it (course this depends on her being willing to work on it too which may not be the case, sorry if not).

Remember your the adult, dont esculate a situation. Bite your lip and walk away. She is looking for a reaction and will be well aware of your buttons.

Also I do actually think taking a teenagers bedroom door away (thus denying them any privacy at all) is actually abusive. Sorry, but I would be very fucked off if someone took my door, as I imagine would all of you, so why would we think it's ok to do it to someone else?

A few weeks ago, promoted by a similar thread, I asked my teenagers whether I had ever punished them. Neither of them could think of a time except for the now-legendary incident when they were very little when i told them three times their ice cream would go in the bin if they didn't stop sword fighting with cutlery over the dinner table. And then did it. Well, i did warn them!

(And to my mind that wasn't a punishment anyway, but was a threat carried out after repeated ignoring of an instruction.) The point being - a dynamic of punishment isn't helpful, and isn't necessary, not for your average basically well behaved teenager anyway, which it appears the Op's DD is. If they are going to school, working well, pursuing extra-curricular activities, that's the main stuff that means they are fundamentally "on the rails". Other stuff is just shouting and hot air. Unpleasant, yes, but less important.

You're right, of course, Eustace.

I have 3 dc, now grown up into lovely people. I used to get really angry at the state of their rooms, clean and dirty clothes thrown on the floor, empty mugs and overflowing bins. Using a clean towel every time as they were too lazy to hang up the damp one. I stopped cleaning and entering their rooms, hid all the towels, and made them fold their own washing. For a couple of weeks, I had to restrain myself from going into their rooms. The day I heard the sound of the vacuum cleaner and found dirty clothes in the washing basket was a happy one. They also learnt to iron at thirteen...after a fashion. The middle child was a nightmare, stroppy, volatile, throwing tantrums and winding up her siblings. She frequently made me cry. We all made a concerted effort to walk away and ignore her. It was tough but it worked. I now have grandchildren, one of whom is 14, hormonal, angry and resentful and I do sympathise with her parents. Be firm but fair is all I can say but I like the idea of the door. Wish I'd thought of that but them I'd have to look at the mess!

Teenagers bedrooms are their concern. Not worth getting uptight about.

If TV is her thing I would cancel the TV channels she likes. Ask her to pay for them herself!!

"If TV is her thing I would cancel the TV channels she likes. Ask her to pay for them herself!!"

What's that to do with the situation?

My daughter is 13. The best suggestion I have is to remove all gadgets and ignore her. Never ever ring social services but your local council will run parenting groups which are friendly and supportive. Its helpful to share ideas. Social services are looking to blame. They will not be on your side. Hope this helps x

God I would never take my dds door off.

How would I be able to hide the mess staring at me when I walk up the stairs!

I recently read this article about teenage girls, their brains and their behaviour. I don't think it has a lot of items, but it has made me think a bit more deeply about what might be going on for my DD (and reminded me how horrible being a teenager felt at times).
www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/drama-queens-whats-really-going-on-in-a-teenage-girls-head/article28549947/

Fourage did you miss the bit where the daughter was so filthy they had mice?

This all sounds very familiar to me. The stress of keeping it together in school can make leaks of misery and rage at home much worse. In our family it was undiagnosed autism, but PDA etc makes sense too.

I live in the country. Mice are no big deal to me.

Ahhh, I understand the 'no punishment' thing a bit more now.

Punishment has just been re-branded as 'consequences' in the same way feeding your children was re-branded BLW and unprotected sex as fluid bonding.

In the city, mice are considered vermin and a health hazard. And extremely unpleasant.

Hope that helps.

fourage My 13 year old DD was arrested for shoplifting 2 weeks ago - I had a thread on here about it. We have talked about it at length but I have also taken her phone away for a month (which is a huge deal to her) and grounded her for a month. Do you think I shouldn't have done that as it's a punishment and removal of privileges?
There is a huge amount of luck involved in parenting. DS1 was the toddler from hell, his behaviour was so extreme that the HV referred him to a paediatrician. By the time he got to 4, he just grew out of it and has been a dream ever since- he's predicted to get 12 A*s in his GCSES, he's calm and a naturally obedient/biddable kid. I think I've been a good parent but I also acknowledge that I massively lucked out with him and DD (who apart from the shoplifting incident is pretty amazing).
However DS2 who's nearly 8 has been extremely challenging pretty much from birth despite being parented pretty much the same way.
And please give me a direct answer about whether I was wrong to take DD's phone away - don't say that none of your DCs would have shoplifted.