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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my brother re: ds?

291 replies

VicWillia · 16/03/2016 18:58

I'm genuinely interested to see if people think I'm right to be angry or if it's my ds who is a little wotsit who needs better discipline.

Ds is 5. He can be pretty cheeky as I guess a lot of 5 yo boys are. He is quite naughty with saying sorry - if he upsets someone it usually takes quite a while on the naughty step before he'll apologize. He's pretty stubborn.

Tonight, we were visiting my dm and my brother was there too. Ds was being cheeky and told my brother he was "fatty". For some reason my brother took massive offence (he isn't fat so he can't have taken it personally) and grabbed ds hands, saying he wouldn't let go until ds said sorry. Ds was trying to squirm away and wouldn't apologize. My brother wouldn't let him go so ds started playfully biting at my brothers fingers to get him to let go (it was definitely playfully, ds is not the sort of child to hurt others) and my brother slapped him across the face.

Ds was obviously very upset and had a red mark on his face. AIBU to be completely livid and feeling like I never want to see my brother again? Or should I have stepped in and made my ds apologize?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 18/03/2016 09:13

Bullshit was a grown man slapping a 5yo across the face an instinctive lashing out to being bitten!!!

flippinada · 18/03/2016 09:19

I agree Caprinha.

OP, if you're scared of your brother then he definitely shouldn't be anywhere near your DS. Not now and not ever.

How is your DS now? I hope he's ok.

PrimalLass · 18/03/2016 09:20

Your DS was totally out of order and comes across as undisciplined and not even pushing his boundaries because he seems to have none.

The child is 5 - what's your excuse?

TheCrimsonPleb · 18/03/2016 10:13

Your DS was totally out of order and comes across as undisciplined

No he doesn't come across as undisciplined (and I hate that word used in this context, it reads like kids should be trained like animals ). He comes across as a child acting within a normal spectrum of behaviour for one of his age.

What the ds needs is guidance with a focus on empathy ie "you would be upset if somebody called you fatty so don't call other people fatty" etc.

There is no justification for what the brother did. I hope the ds doesn't take from this that when people piss you off it's OK to wallop them.

maydancer · 18/03/2016 10:19

Bullshit was a grown man slapping a 5yo across the face an instinctive lashing out to being bitten!!!
How do you know that, do you know him? people with anger management issues classically have the 'red mist' and do this sort of thing

witsender · 18/03/2016 10:22

And that makes it ok?

AddictedtoGreys · 18/03/2016 10:26

ShockAngry

maydancer · 18/03/2016 10:32

No, Witsender and AddictedToGreys, which is why i said:-

this lack of control is worrying and I think your dB needs to address his anger management

It is so tedious debating with people who (a) cannot read and (b) put words in my mouth

Cabrinha · 18/03/2016 10:32

maydancer
Yeah, I still think it's bullshit.

You show me a teen who can't control his anger and has ended up in a secure unit because of it and I'll agree with you that it was an instructive response.

You show me this OP's adult brother who has (presumably?) managed to control this "instinctive" response at work, at leisure, with family... and only perpetrated his "instinctive" anger management related violence on a 5 year old child and his (then) child sister, and I still call BULLSHIT.

This man managed his anger around all but those who are weaker than him... either physically or in a weaker position because he knows they won't call the police: family.

This man is a vicious cunt, not someone with anger management issues Hmm

Artistic · 18/03/2016 10:39

Anyone slapping another person is wrong. It cause intense shock, disorientation and unforgettable humiliation. An adult slapping a child is unacceptable - would make my blood boil. I would not be interacting with said brother at all - apology is no use. Maybe if he allows you to slap him back you should consider even talking to him yourself.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 18/03/2016 10:39

Addressing both issues together makes it seem as though they were both as bad as each other as if it was deserved because there is always the big 'BUT' you shouldn't have called him fatty.

Do we say that to beaten women ?

' he was wrong to have knocked your teeth out but you should have called him an arse hole either'

It's victim blaming.

One is a adult, one is a five year old.

To be fair I'd bite some one who had hold of me in a way my hands where trapped and was being forced to apologise. The little boy must have very frightened.

PrimalLass · 18/03/2016 10:46

this lack of control is worrying and I think your dB needs to address his anger management

Worrying? Try criminal.

Sanchar · 18/03/2016 10:48

I agree with the majority of sensible posters, your brother is a bollock faced bully. Cut contact completely, even if does apologise now I highly doubt it'll be a sincere one, more likely a motherly induced keep the peace one.

tryandtryagain · 18/03/2016 10:54

Your brother was totally in the wrong for slapping your son, it's assault.

The whole episode sounds like it was handled very badly by all the adults present. It should have never got to that point you should have intervened a lot earlier.

MadamDeathstare · 18/03/2016 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaMagic · 18/03/2016 13:05

You know what PaulAnka you are very rude Hmm

I am not going to trawl back through the thread to find those other posters for you who I referred to justifying the OPs son being slapped due to his 'appalling' behaviour. But others did post similar views to SnowFairy.

First you say no-one said it, now you say that others didn't say it [so you presumably now accept that SnowFairy was justifying the brother's behaviour]

You know what, you are the one talking mince and I don't think I need to engage with someone so goady and unpleasant.

Capricorn76 · 18/03/2016 13:19

Wow a lot of victim blaming here. The lengths some women will go to to minimise the terrible behaviour of some men amazes me.

OP, I was slapped across the face by DF when I was 3. I never forgot the shock and humiliation. I'm 39 now. My 'D' B was violent to me when we wee growing up. My mum didn't want him to get into serious trouble so kept minimising it. I'm NC with DB now. He had a terrible temper and will never be given the chance to show it to my DD. Cut him off.

There is zero justification for a 31 year old man to slap a 5 year across the face. Your DS will grow to hate him. I also believe he bit him as he was scared and was trying to get away.

The fact you were unsure how serious this is shows how damaged you are by your upbringing. I am seething on your behalf. If anybody slapped my DD who is also 5 I would've called the police. They would never see my child again.

maydancer · 18/03/2016 13:32

This man is a vicious cunt, not someone with anger management issues

..is there a difference?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/03/2016 13:33

Ha! I think it's far ruder for you to use one single post to say that any person here who said the op needs to discipline her child are justifying what the brother did. It's a ridiculous thing to say and insulting to every poster you are talking about.

But that's just me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2016 13:40

Saying a 5yo's behaviour caused a 31yo to slap him is victim blaming even if you then add the disclaimer that violence is never acceptable

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/03/2016 13:44

Ffs, so pointing out that the brother's actions were completely wrong but also saying to the op that her son's behaviour needs addressing is victim blaming? Even though the child was badly behaved, we can't say so? Wow. Just wow.

I've only seen one person blame the child, that was totally unacceptable.

SeaMagic · 18/03/2016 13:45

PaulAnka

Ok... let's just agree to disagree here.

Capricorn76 · 18/03/2016 13:52

The kid was just being 5 (my 5 year old has called me 'poo poo' and 'wee wee girl' and to this day it has never caused me to assault her). I also pretty much have to drag apologies out of her.

He was probably being rude to the uncle because he could sense his uncle is a dick. Kids are pretty decent judges of character. Plus the uncle may have been aggressive to him previously.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2016 14:05

Yes paul it is.

The same way that saying that a bloke wouldnt slap his girlfriend if she didn't call him a name and bit his hand after he grabbed her and refused to let her go.

HeffalumpHistory · 18/03/2016 14:12

Even though the child was badly behaved, we can't say so? Wow. Just wow.

Tbh though, the child wasn't badly behaved. He behaved like MANY young kids do.
My newphew is 9 & still comes out with some "you're a poo face" type stuff. They can be told it's not nice etc (by their parents!) but come on to fuck, let kids be kids. It's not TERRIBLE if they're not 100% all of the time.
I was told only a few weeks ago by my ds (4) nursery head that there is more cause for concern when kids don't push boundaries.
Ds is also starting the "mummy your a big bum face" Grin

I interperate some of the responses on here as victim blaming & also a hint of "children should be seen & not heard"
Not getting into a bun fight with anyone. My opinion & my interpretation.