To be really upset with my brother re: ds?

[VicWillia]

I'm genuinely interested to see if people think I'm right to be angry or if it's my ds who is a little wotsit who needs better discipline.

Ds is 5. He can be pretty cheeky as I guess a lot of 5 yo boys are. He is quite naughty with saying sorry - if he upsets someone it usually takes quite a while on the naughty step before he'll apologize. He's pretty stubborn.

Tonight, we were visiting my dm and my brother was there too. Ds was being cheeky and told my brother he was "fatty". For some reason my brother took massive offence (he isn't fat so he can't have taken it personally) and grabbed ds hands, saying he wouldn't let go until ds said sorry. Ds was trying to squirm away and wouldn't apologize. My brother wouldn't let him go so ds started playfully biting at my brothers fingers to get him to let go (it was definitely playfully, ds is not the sort of child to hurt others) and my brother slapped him across the face.

Ds was obviously very upset and had a red mark on his face. AIBU to be completely livid and feeling like I never want to see my brother again? Or should I have stepped in and made my ds apologize?

I disagree with some people saying your DS sounds horrible. At 5 they do test the boundaries and that is clearly what he was doing. He will be learning new words all the time and will experiment with which ones are acceptable to use.

I'd be reluctant to leave him alone with your brother, especially if you are scared of him yourself.

Fuck off with horribly behaved. He is FIVE. He is pushing boundaries, as all children do.

Do your children never name call or act up? Really?

OP you need to stay away from your brother and by the sounds of it your mother. For the sake of your child.

If my sister slapped my child on the face (who can be badly behaved)

I would walk away forever, unless she begged forgiveness from us both.

I have found this thread hard to read.

I'm sorry that some people have got upset over whether they are making the child responsible for being hit.

I don't think that's what's happening as such.

I do think it is victim blaming, but less about blaming the child, and more about making the mother responsible for the adult brothers behavior.

So many 'if you'd intervened/ punished your child straight away this never would have happened'.

Why is it a mothers responsibility to anticipate her adult brothers flash points and take action in that split second moment?

And if she dares not to concentrate, continuously mediate or stand ready close by in order to stop her child accidentally pressing a violent mans buttons... Then she is to blame?

In my very humble opinion, OP, you are not to blame for a grown mans violence.

I don't get why women still must take the blame for a mans violence and 'inability to regulate his own anger'... Or should that be 'inability to regulate his own anger when in the company of people who are physically weaker and he's happy to hurt'?

Why is it acceptable to promote a way of life where a woman is made the holder and custodian for another adults emotions, attitudes and behaviors? Why are people saying a woman has to actively guard a child because a grown man cannot be trusted not to 'accidentally' hit and abuse a child? And when he 'oops lashes out/ snaps 'on instinct' etc etc... It's the woman's fault for not saving this abusive man from himself?!

Particularly sad because of the OP relationship with her brother whose violent behavior against weaker members of his family, appears to be something the wider family accept and condone.

Btw OP, I have seen an abuser 'snap' mood and consequences in the blink of an eye.

I wonder if this is what happened? It all sounds rather similar.

From play fighting, teasing and sillinessto violence in the blink of an eye... The rules change Bang! ... just like that.

Tickle, laugh, tickle, play, mock fight, throw in air, play grab, and play release.... Then the rules change, the adult gets bored, or decides it's over... Unbeknownst to the child. What is acceptable one second ago is suddenly a child being naughty and needing disciplining and 'putting in his place'. It's about mastery and control. It's about a man who can't be trusted.

How exactly is a child supposed to read that situation?

You grew up with that type of person. Thank goodness your son doesn't have to.

You sound charming xena

MN really does bore me these days with the predictable nasty responses to every thread.

Agrew tobysmum. Some of the posts on here are depressingly spiteful and, well, stupid.

*agree

xenapants he was only biting because he was being physically restrained.

I can't believe you think slapping a five year old around the face is an acceptable punishment for being a 'little wotsit'.

I hope someone is looking out for your children if that is the way you dispense discipline at home.

I with xena. it really is not normal for a 5 yo to namecall an adult uncle.nor is the biting a normall response to bring asked to apologise even of his hands were being held.it really isn't

slapping a five year old round the face??

wow. People are defending this??

The realms of normal for a five year old is pretty wide. Not all children are cheeky, and obviously its not ideal, but a small child calling someone fatty is not a massive crime, but slapping someone across the face IS. Your brother is a violent dick.

Christ there are some weirdos on here. Xena: hideous post. Miscellaneous Assortment- yes, you phrased that really well. I completely agree. We dance around male anger. A naughty five year old does not get a slap in the face. FFS. Odd folk on here.

I think miscs posts are spot on.

There's some really venomous posts aimed at the OP and her DS, calling the poor little lad (who, let's not forget has been smacked in the face by an adult) and his Mum all sorts while inferring she's an unfit parent. Meanwhile the child abuser is excused with 'well he's a dick, but..'

It would be funny if it wasn't such an awful subject.

My brother calls his son "piggy pog". My brother farts and burps constantly because he drinks several beers every day and has a liquid (alcohol) or largely carb diet. It's become such a habit, he's totally unaware unless he's at work. My DD age 7 made up a song about him. "Uncle X is a piggy poo that lives in the loo". I stopped her obviously. But kids are just saying it as it is and she thought he called his son "piggy poo". Needless to say this was deemed extremely rude. However I think it's extremely rude and much worse for my 46 yr old brother to burp and fart in MY face.

Oops I hit post too soon. Meant say what this man has done is much worse. Abuse.