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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my brother re: ds?

291 replies

VicWillia · 16/03/2016 18:58

I'm genuinely interested to see if people think I'm right to be angry or if it's my ds who is a little wotsit who needs better discipline.

Ds is 5. He can be pretty cheeky as I guess a lot of 5 yo boys are. He is quite naughty with saying sorry - if he upsets someone it usually takes quite a while on the naughty step before he'll apologize. He's pretty stubborn.

Tonight, we were visiting my dm and my brother was there too. Ds was being cheeky and told my brother he was "fatty". For some reason my brother took massive offence (he isn't fat so he can't have taken it personally) and grabbed ds hands, saying he wouldn't let go until ds said sorry. Ds was trying to squirm away and wouldn't apologize. My brother wouldn't let him go so ds started playfully biting at my brothers fingers to get him to let go (it was definitely playfully, ds is not the sort of child to hurt others) and my brother slapped him across the face.

Ds was obviously very upset and had a red mark on his face. AIBU to be completely livid and feeling like I never want to see my brother again? Or should I have stepped in and made my ds apologize?

OP posts:
witsender · 16/03/2016 19:12

Trust your judgment. Your son is at prime age to be learning about social norms and boundaries, and he should be safe within his family to do so. He's still learning.

Your brother however, sounds like a nasty piece of work.

abbsismyhero · 16/03/2016 19:13

my kids are cheeky fuckers when they think they can get away with it but you do not a,trap a child as that escalates things b,slap a child

if it was hard enough to leave a mark that is assault and social services berated me for not leaving my husband after he hit our son ONCE and left a mark

TheSnowFairy · 16/03/2016 19:13

tatty a cheeky scamp? He was utterly rude and OP should have stepped in and dealt with him immediately, then nothing more would have happened.

OP your brother was out of order (I don't believe the biting was playful btw, I think in the context you describe your son was trying to get away by biting him) but your son needs better disciplining from you.

YABU to be upset at your brother but look at your child's behaviour.

katienana · 16/03/2016 19:14

Your ds should not have called him fatty but your brother over reacted just with the restraining. To slap him was in no way justified. Yanbu.

TheSnowFairy · 16/03/2016 19:14

Drip feed with the brother's violence...

W33XXX · 16/03/2016 19:14

I would have belted him back and asked him how he liked it.

I'm all for my sister/mum etc disciplining my son when required (even if I am present but he has done something in front of them and not me) but they deal with him as myself and husband do. They wouldn't dare do what your brother done. I certainly wouldn't be trusting brother around children again. I also wouldn't leave what has happened if voice your discomfort/anger at how he reacted to your son and tell him under no circumstances should he discipline your son ever again, should he be displeased with how your son is acting he should speak to you or your husband and you will deal with the issue.

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 16/03/2016 19:16

Your asshat of a brother has committed an assault on your son. If he'd done that to a random stranger the Police would have been called and he'd have been in a cell by now. Is there any reason you've not reported him?

Original poster
VicWillia · 16/03/2016 19:18

Its not drip feeding I just felt I should clarify why I didn't step in.

I appreciate that ds was very rude and I will be talking to him. If he's rude to me I deal with it by putting him on the naughty spot and keeping him there until he apologises. I don't hit him.

I really feel like I wouldn't care if I saw my brother again.

OP posts:
HeffalumpHistory · 16/03/2016 19:18

No matter if your ds should have apologised or not that is absolutely not on!! NOBODY should be treating a child like that. Angry
If a child at school had slapped your ds across the face, never mind so hard that it marked!!! You'd be livid.
A grown man of 31???? Completely out of order & I'd have lost my shit tbh. Fuming just reading the situation!! Angry
Saying that, people commenting that they'd have hit him back are also wrong (imo) as this is no excuse for violence. (Yes, verbally losing my shit is prob also not a great example either but I'm sure I would)

lunar1 · 16/03/2016 19:19

You have two completely separate issues here. What your brother did is inexcusable, and id be cutting contact.

Your ds's behaviour is appalling. Where on earth has he heard the term fatty? And why the hell didn't you jump straight in and remove your ds and deal with him there and then.

I would be mortified is one of mine did this, there wouldn't be time for anyone to react if they were so rude because I'd deal with it instantly.

Tiggywinkler · 16/03/2016 19:19

It's assault. If you're scared of him, then you need to protect your children by not letting him near them. Your Mother is minimising - unless she sees that it's totally inappropriate behaviour from your DB, she should not be trusted either.

Original poster
VicWillia · 16/03/2016 19:20

I'm not reporting him. It would cause a lot of trouble within the family, my dm has been very ill and I don't want to cause her any more stress.

I simply won't allow my brother around ds anymore.

OP posts:
KathyBeale · 16/03/2016 19:20

I honestly can't believe some posters are saying the little boy is at fault here. Of course calling someone fatty is rude in some contexts but in a playful way like this sounds like it was, probably required no more than a warning that it's not nice to call people names. I can't think of any reason at all EVER when it's okay to hit anyone across the face let alone a five-year-old. Any reasonable adult could have clocked that their 'banter' was getting out of hand and shut it down before it got to the point of biting and hitting.

TheKnackeredChef · 16/03/2016 19:21

I can't believe there are people weighing in to say that this little boy being assaulted was his own fault. Poor wee thing. Sad

Chocolatteaddict1 · 16/03/2016 19:21

vic your initial response of not being sure was because how you were treated when you were younger with obviously your mother not stepping in. When you went away you felt it wasn't right because it wasn't.

Slapping a child across the face so hard it left a mark is outrageous and he would be prosecuted by the police for it.

Going off your last post - you need to make a decision. To basically continue to be around this agressive prick who has assaulted your son now.

OR make a stand and stay away from him and tbh your mum is just as bad minimising it.

If it was a neighbour or a stranger would you phone the police ? Why would it be any different just because you share the same genes.

Gazelda · 16/03/2016 19:22

You were wrong not to have stepped in and told your DS off when he made the remark. Then he should have been made to apologise. When he started biting, you should have immediately stepped in and taken him out of the room for a telling off.

But, your DB behaved appallingly. Why did you let him keep hold of DS's hand? It was obviously going to escalate.

And once he'd slapped DS, you were right to be livid. And to be honest its irrelevant what your DM says. If I were you, I'd never let DB near my DS again.

Your DS deserves an apology from your DB. Although I suspect this might not be forthcoming.

NickiFury · 16/03/2016 19:23

Why are people focussing on a cheeky five year old instead of a grown man assaulting that five year old? MN is so weird sometimes. Making sure the OP gets a good telling off and a few home truths always seems to take priority Confused

sidsgranny · 16/03/2016 19:26

OP, you've said

He's really a good boy

and

He is quite naughty with saying sorry - if he upsets someone it usually takes quite a while on the naughty step before he'll apologize. He's pretty stubborn.

To be honest he doesn't sound like a really good boy - he sounds very rude.

But, your DS was out of order to slap him.

TheSnowFairy · 16/03/2016 19:26

It IS drip feeding. If you'd come on and said in the first place there was violence it would have said much more about your brother.

OP: AIBU to be angry at my brother who slapped DS after DS was rude and bit him?

Answers: No (but sort your child out).

OP: AIBU to be angry at my violent brother who slapped DS across the face?

Everyone: Not at all.

Anyway. Any more pertinent details?
Hmm

Jw35 · 16/03/2016 19:27

A slap around the face is physical abuse/assault and I couldn't give a rats arse what your 5 year old had done first, he's a little boy and should be safe from violence at all times! I wouldn't even tell ds off for it now in case he thinks he deserved to be hit! I'm really Shock at this post and would have no qualms about cutting contact with someone who hurt my child.

gandalf456 · 16/03/2016 19:27

Ffs this is a five year old we're talking about. There's no way he should be trapping his hands even . I would have stepped in at that point. Calling someone fatty who's not fat is hardly the crime of a century from a small child. I look after a neighbour's seven year old who does the same to me and I mostly ignore it or tell him firmly to stop if it's excessive. In my view it is discipline enough for someone who's not mine and, if his mum wants to discipline (or not) him in ways I would not agree with then it's up to her. I am not that sensitive!

I have had this with my family and it's almost getting to me through my child which isn't nice. Even with the best parents in the world kids act up. You and your son are not performing dogs with him showing himself to be the perfect child and you the perfect mum and it is certainly not your family's place to show you how it's done. You are in charge now

MissBeaHaving · 16/03/2016 19:28

I have a 5 year old nephew,I wouldn't dream of laying a finger on him regardless of his behaviour!Shock

I wouldn't slap my own children around the face either.

Children push boundaries especially at 5.
You treat them with respect & they learn to respect others by example.
What your brother had done is completely out of order.

Thisisnotausername · 16/03/2016 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBobDylan · 16/03/2016 19:29

Your dB assaulted your child, first by holding his hands to stop him moving away then by slapping him.

Do not leave your dB alone with DS ever. I would avoid him altogether.

What your DS did or didn't do is irrelevant - for those questioning op about her parenting, do you think her DS deserved to be hit? Or caused the response he got from his uncle?

A child could be an utter shit to me and I would NEVER retaliate abusively.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 16/03/2016 19:31

thesnow I rather think the face slap cancelled out the 'fatty' remark.

How many women have been told that regardless what they have said they do not deserve DV. Why is this any different?