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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my brother re: ds?

291 replies

VicWillia · 16/03/2016 18:58

I'm genuinely interested to see if people think I'm right to be angry or if it's my ds who is a little wotsit who needs better discipline.

Ds is 5. He can be pretty cheeky as I guess a lot of 5 yo boys are. He is quite naughty with saying sorry - if he upsets someone it usually takes quite a while on the naughty step before he'll apologize. He's pretty stubborn.

Tonight, we were visiting my dm and my brother was there too. Ds was being cheeky and told my brother he was "fatty". For some reason my brother took massive offence (he isn't fat so he can't have taken it personally) and grabbed ds hands, saying he wouldn't let go until ds said sorry. Ds was trying to squirm away and wouldn't apologize. My brother wouldn't let him go so ds started playfully biting at my brothers fingers to get him to let go (it was definitely playfully, ds is not the sort of child to hurt others) and my brother slapped him across the face.

Ds was obviously very upset and had a red mark on his face. AIBU to be completely livid and feeling like I never want to see my brother again? Or should I have stepped in and made my ds apologize?

OP posts:
lazyleo · 17/03/2016 14:31

Brother was out of line no ifs, no buts, no maybes. Sounds like he needs some anger management or maybe hes just a thug. I hoe you manage to minimise contact with him. Neither you nor your son need him in your life.

Going forward though I think you are right to acknowledge that you do need to change some of your little boys behaviours - If your son has the balls at 5 years old to call an adult a name, I'd be worried about what he might be saying to others in the playground. Name calling can lead to really big issues later on. Ask the parents of 16 year old Bailey Gwynne. And the parents of the boy, who will now serve his time in young offenders and prison, who killed him at school. All over a comment about being fat.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/bailey-gwynne-how-a-row-over-a-biscuit-ended-with-the-fatal-stabbing-of-a-16-year-old-schoolboy-a6917431.html

LagunaBubbles · 17/03/2016 14:37

I believe TheSnowFairy [and others] were justifying the brothers behaviour by stating that OPs son was rude and if only OP had stepped in sooner with some discipline this whole sorry affair would never have happened

No-one justified anything, you are reading something that just isnt there. The OPs DS was rude. Thats a fact. Doesnt justify brothers violent actions in the slightest.

OP you havent answered my question as to whether you have posted about a similar incident before as this is very familiar, was it you?

TheSnowFairy · 17/03/2016 20:21

sea as paul and laguna have pointed out, you're talking rubbish. At no point in any comment on this thread by any poster have the OP's brother's actions been justified.

What you 'believe' is completely incorrect.

Narp · 17/03/2016 20:34

I think some of us feel that the son's behaviour is not even worth a mention. It's not the point.

The point is the adult's behaviour

VelvetCushion · 17/03/2016 20:50

How is Waterrats post offensive? Hmm
TheSnowFairy GrinGrinGrinGrin really? Reporting!! For what exactly? Grin

aprilanne · 17/03/2016 20:55

your brother was in the wrong but you were in the wrong to let your son be cheeky and there is no such thing as playful biting .and if you scared of him you should never have let your son be near him .

VelvetCushion · 17/03/2016 20:58

I think the brother is a bastard. Disgusting behaviour.
Re the 5 year old. I think saying "fattie" is no big deal. My sisters kids go to private school and speak posh apart from when they say things like, shitty arse face, stinky arse, piss face, poo head, plop stink, the list goes on. I actually think its quite funny. They are 6 and 8

TheSnowFairy · 17/03/2016 21:06

velvet for the phrase 'apologists of abuse'.

'An abuse apologist, as described in media, is someone, irrespective of their gender, who tries to find excuses to justify abuse, or thinks that the victim somehow "deserved", or was "asking for abuse".'

Chocolatteaddict1 · 17/03/2016 21:11

narp I completly agree. It isn't even worth talking about.

However some posters do and think it was a contributing factor, however which way they write it.

VelvetCushion · 17/03/2016 21:16

TheSnowFairy
I think you may be confusing me with someone else. I never even mentioned apologists. My comment was wondering why Waterrat was reported. Waterrat said nothing wrong.

TheSnowFairy · 17/03/2016 21:21

velvet see waterrat's post yesterday 21:37.

That's what was reported.

VelvetCushion · 17/03/2016 21:26

I agree with Waterrats comment. Dont know why it was reported

Trollicking · 17/03/2016 23:27

TheSnowFairy. You have completely misinterpreted Waterrats posts including her/his one from yesterday. I'm not sure how you could have got it so wrong? Confused. I suggest you re-read them and apologise to Waterrats for you HUGE mistake

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 17/03/2016 23:46

I agree with waterrats comments - the child's behaviour is irrelevant. Adults cannot go around slapping children round the face - no matter what.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 17/03/2016 23:56

And regarding the article about the stabbing of that poor boy - we should teach that we don't throw punches over words. How can we teach that, when the OP's boy's uncle is slapping him in the face over being called fatty? The Uncle is teaching him that we react to words with fists.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 18/03/2016 00:03

Plus it's not comparable anyway - a fight between 2 teenage children is not comparable to the OP's situation - between a 5yr old and an Uncle who should know better.

Primaryteach87 · 18/03/2016 00:08

I cannot in a billion year imagine this going down with my brother. It would just be so outside the bounds of normal. My brother is close to my son and has occasionally told him off but never anything remotely like that. I think, especially given he was violent to, you are right to keep DS away.

LucyBabs · 18/03/2016 00:16

Jesus I would have intervened when your "d" b was holding your ds hands. Who does this cunt think he is?!
If your bro had slapped someone in the street who had called him fatty he'd have either been knocked out or arrested!

MartinaJ · 18/03/2016 03:41

Your DS was totally out of order and comes across as undisciplined and not even pushing his boundaries because he seems to have none.
Your brother was bang out of order to slap him and I'd be furious with him too. That, thiugh needs to be sorted out between you and him only.

SeaMagic · 18/03/2016 07:26

SnowFairy's actual post - *tatty a cheeky scamp? He was utterly rude and OP should have stepped in and dealt with him immediately, then nothing more would have happened.

OP your brother was out of order (I don't believe the biting was playful btw, I think in the context you describe your son was trying to get away by biting him) but your son needs better disciplining from you.

YABU to be upset at your brother but look at your child's behaviour.*

PaulAnka, Laguna and SnowFairy, I believe this constitutes a justification. OP is being categorically told that if she had stepped in this situation would not have happened. Yes SnowFairy states the brother was out of order but then goes on to state that they didn't believe the biting was playful and the son needs better disciplining. Reads like a whole lot of justification of violent behaviour to me.

You can disagree but don't accuse me of talking for others or talking shite please Hmm

flippinada · 18/03/2016 07:47

I've seen previous threads of this nature and they always bring out the blamers. I don't see what was wrong with waterrats post either and clearly MNHQ don't either, seeing as it's still up.

A 5 year old acting up and testing the boundaries is entirely normal behaviour. They're little and still developing. An adult should know better and certainly shouldn't be hitting a child, let alone in the face.

Cabrinha · 18/03/2016 08:03

You do need to keep away from your brother if you can't step in to protect your son because you're scared of your brother.

Btw: I have a violent went growing up brother. I've seen him 5 times in 24 years. Blood is not thicker than water - cut him out. No-one needs a violent bully in their lives. Of course he didn't touch me in those 5 adult occasions because he knows damn well I'd call the police.

He was absolutely out of order to slap your son, keep away from him, and fuck your minimising mother.

You do need to react to your son's rudeness more though.

maydancer · 18/03/2016 08:15

5 isnt a baby! I think a 5 year old should know that it is unaccepotable to call an adult names.I also think your Ds biting hurt and your dB instinctively lashed out.this lack of control is worrying and I think your dB needs to address his anger management. I would explain to your Ds that his uncle was uncle was very wrong to hit him, but at the same time your Ds needs to know name calling and biting will not be tolerated

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/03/2016 08:33

You are talking shite. Your original post said 'and others'. So no, one single post doesn't constitute as justification.

witsender · 18/03/2016 09:05

So, I ask again, if the brother's girlfriend called him a fatty would that mean hitting her was ok? Would we all be leaping on her 'behaviour' or telling her to LTB?