AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

What you've said would lead me to think children need help. Whether or not there has been any sexual abuse can be investigated later. These children don't have boundaries. They are not acting up because it's fun, it's because they're trying to get attention as there is something not right and they don't know how to vocalise it. Please contact social services.

They sound very similar to the little girl who lived opposite me, to be honest I hated / was scared of her and found her behaviour disgusting. She would try and pull friends trousers / underwear down, touched herself inappropriate in front of friends, wiped snot and other bodily fluids on food she wanted, seemed very immature and unaware. She pressed charges against her father for abuse about two years ago, she's now thirty. Our mothers were friends, she had no idea.

They do sound immature, yes, OP. Out of the range of normal for their ages. And it does sound as if there is low level neglect going on. They probably find it stressful coming to their dad for EOW and act out in top of everything else.

As there isn't much you can/intend to do to change this, I think you will need the patience of a saint to help them and to be a stabilising influence in their lives. They will most likely continue to behave inappropriately. You will have to tolerate it and build their social skills and self esteem the best way you can in the short time you have. I don't see any other option.

www.royalnavy.mod.uk/~/media/royal%20navy%20responsive/documents/reference%20library/br%203/br3book/ch24.pdf

Sections in here about compassionate leave, compassionate assignments and compassionate discharge would seem applicable; safety of the children is mentioned as a mitigating factor.

HE DOES!!!!!

He cannot however stay there forever you he 2/3 yr postings you don't get a lot of choice and you have to go away eventually.

Taking extended periods of leave for whatever reason is very very difficult and very bad for your career.

*you have

Being in the military is totally different to a "normal" job and to some extent it takes priority over everything.

A) we would see each other 4 days a month plus months on end apart.

B) he has 1 room on the base he cannot have his children there.

Oh and C) this is his home

OMG - this is the most ridiculous conversation I have ever taken part in.

And no he can't rent somewhere - he pays his ex £600 a month owns half this house so contributes here too.

Bloody hell the OP is getting a bashing here! Unnecessarily too.
I'm ex forces cute, so I get it. If only everyone did!!
No your not being a bitch. It's a very difficult situation I can imagine. Other than maybe speaking to the girls school, the only thing I can think of is to talk more and try and put some boundaries in. Good luck! Xx

A) Too bad. His kids were there first and you knew that when you decided to hook up with him. The love life of two adults is way lower priority than the mental health and futures of two vulnerable little girls. Sorry but that's the way it is.

B) Then he needs to find a place he CAN have them.

C) Then he's a pretty piss-poor excuse for a father, if he values his "home" over the welfare of two little girls that he produced and that appear to be suffering from some serious developmental and emotional/mental health issues.

Stop making excuses for him. If he values his career and his sex life over the welfare of his children then at least he should have the balls to say so and not hide behind lame "Royal Navy won't let me..." BS. Because it's clear from their documentation that there ARE avenues available to people with family problems. And if it hurts his career, well, those are the breaks. I guess his career goals are incompatible with being a decent father.

I think some posters are being incredibly naive about the amount of power/control the OP and even her partner has in this situation.

It's nowhere near as simple as ringing up SS and getting custody FFS. It really doesn't work like that.

Equally removing the children from their mother may actually exacerbate the issues.

The gem of an idea for the OP and her partner to up sticks is equally insane. The issues are simply then extended to another set of children. Even if the partner moved alone his ability to influence the situation any more than he can already is hugely debatable. The level of access won't change and he will be less financially able to support them.

The children are undoubtably immature for their age but the reasons for this are unknown. Throwing in speculation about abuse and "demanding" hugely impacting knee jerk reactions is a classic anonymous forum response especially combined by guilting the OP into doing more and she should be "ashamed".

I see in the OP a concerned SM who is trying her best to balance the needs of all the children in this situation.

It's a very difficult situation and my advice would be to see a solicitor again to re-check advice on contact. Legal precedents change and current guidelines may have moved on.

I'd also visit my own GP to see if you can access any support services locally. It may be easier to engage with the ex as the result of professional local intervention.

No one is saying 'phone SS and get custody'. Most people are just asking that the OP does something and stops shoving her head in the sand! There are clear signs of (at the very least) neglect. Yet nothing is being done.

Jesus christ there are some ill informed hysterical views about social services on this thread - social services will not get involved with neglect unless it is exceptionally bad. There are children who have been both physically abused by their families who are still living with them, the thresholds are very high.

Please stop assuming or adding personal details which I have not given on this thread.