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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this ladies opinion on kissing children on the mouth was a bit extreme?

166 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 13/03/2016 21:43

I was watching a discussion on the TV on Friday morning which centred on children kissing their parents on the mouth.

It was a group discussion but they typically had one woman arguing why it was fine and one woman saying it wasn't and if I remember correctly they both had qualifications in psychology and child development etc.

The woman who was anti kissing children said that in order to teach our children appropriate behaviours (in relation to what an intimate act is) then parents should stop kissing children on the mouth when they are 18 months old. I was listening to her in disbelief and most of the people involved in the discussion looked quite shocked too.

She went on to say that if parents kissed their child on their mouth at this age and older then the children may go on to kiss their grandparents or caregivers on the mouth (specifically mentioning childminders and nursery workers) and then said something along the lines of, "And then where is the line drawn in that child's eyes as to what is appropriate kissing behaviour?"

I have a 2 year old who I kiss on the mouth all the time and I have no problem with him kissing others on the mouth either.

I appreciate there comes a point where a child, or the other person involved, may feel uncomfortable about kissing on the lips, but surely a cut off point of 18 months is a bit extreme?

OP posts:
grannytomine · 14/03/2016 09:16

Oysterbabe, chubby cheeks are just made for kisses.

Timri · 14/03/2016 09:27

Herpes simplex is EXTREMELY contagious.
Cheek kissing would pass it on I reckon, especially as babies are always touching/scratching their own faces.
But most of us have it anyway

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 09:29

Cheek skin is thicker than lips so unless the skin is broken it is safe.

LadyLannister · 14/03/2016 09:30

I've never read such a load of crap as what I've just read on this thread. Kissing children on the mouth is sexual pahahaha - hmm ok then Hmm.

There is nothing remotely sexual about pecking anyone on the lips - anyone who thinks otherwise has got serious issues they need to deal with. There's a massive difference between a peck on the lips and sexual kissing.

For what it's worth my mum was not a tactile person - would never kiss or hug us, wasn't one to say she loved us at all - that was far more damaging to me than an affectionate kiss on the lips would ever have been. I have kissed my own children on the lips in the past - they are lovely, affectionate, caring children and it hasn't done them any harm. As they've gotten older obviously I don't kiss them as much ( because there comes a point where some children find kissing embarrassing as my 7 year old ds does ) but they certainly haven't been harmed by my kissing them in the past and they don't go around kissing random people.

shockedballoon · 14/03/2016 09:37

Yes kissing on the lips is more intimate than cheek kissing, which is why I reserve this for more immediate family members.
Note 'intimate' NOT 'sexual'. Big difference.

DS (6) still gives me a cuddle and lip kiss in the playground before going into school. He used to go in for a lip kiss with pretty much anyone, but as he's got older he also only reserves them for people who are very close to him that he loves a lot. At 40, I still kiss my mum on the lips. I also kiss DH on the lips. I also kiss him in a different way which means something different.
To put it another way:

  • Lip kissing is an expression of affection and love.
  • Open mouthed kissing is an expression of sexual attraction and sexual love.
Not that difficult to differentiate surely??!!
peggyundercrackers · 14/03/2016 10:17

neither of us suffer from cold sores, never have.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 10:23

peggyundercrackers, that doesn't mean you don't carry the virus. If you carry the virus you can pass it on. The only way to be sure is to have a blood test. I believe there are more people with the virus who don't know they have it than people who do know.

G1raffe · 14/03/2016 10:27

Gosh I can't imagine kissing my parents on the lips shudder.

I think it's like the shoes on/shoes off debate. A matter of custom but where the other view seems completely odd.

KinkyAfro · 14/03/2016 10:29

I'm 42, my mum is 68 and we kiss each other on the lips. Nothing weird or sexual about it, it's not a snog, there's no tongues, it's just a peck ffs

MsMims · 14/03/2016 10:31

Even if you've never had or noticed a cold sore there's a high chance you have the herpes virus anyway.

'Cold sores are very common. In Britain, about seven in ten people have caught the virus that causes them. However, most don’t know, as only one in five will notice any symptoms.'

Taken from here

I've never had a visible cold sore but for the reason above I still would rather not kiss on the lips unnecessarily. My parents kissed me on the lips growing up so I have no axe to grind, I just think a kiss on the cheek can be just as affectionate without the risk of catching/ spreading disease/ illness.

MrsKoala · 14/03/2016 10:59

I always find these threads really quite offensive. As someone who finds it completely natural and innocent to kiss on the lips it is horrible for that to be described as if we are some kind of peeeeedos doing disgustingly sexual acts with our children. In fact i think that it is even thought of that way is more dodgy, as if people cannot possibly think about kissing on the lips without some kind of sexual overtones to it, regardless of the recipient. If someone couldn't kiss a child on the lips without thinking of it sexually i would have serious concerns about them.

As for the cold sore argument, i think people are taking risk aversion to extremes. If 7 in 10 people have caught the virus it's likely most will be exposed to it.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 14/03/2016 11:12

FFS, I detest threads like this.

Kissing a child or a family member - a peck on the lips - IS NOT SEXUAL.

Anyone suggesting otherwise, has a serious problem.

What is happening to Society nowadays, that an innocent peck on the lips, gets people all flapping and raising eyebrows.

My 2 year old niece is visiting me this weekend, and I will be giving her PLENTY of kisses, some on the lips. Because she's good enough to EAT!

Disclaimer: I am not going to actually eat my niece.

TooGood2BeFalse · 14/03/2016 11:37

I'd never really thought about it, but non-lip kisser here. From a very affectionate family,even my dad and brother still hug and kiss on the cheek and my brother is 37. Just never on the lips. Personal preference I guess.

JeanGenie23 · 14/03/2016 11:44

It's sad that people fear kissing a child on the lips. I kiss my daughter on the lips daily as does her father.

I am a childminder and I often get kisses from the children I look after. Sometimes they happen be on my lips sometimes it's my cheek or even my ear or nose!

It's very easy for a sensible adult to make a distinction between affection, and making a child feel loved and secure, and something more sinister.

multivac · 14/03/2016 11:45

I kiss my 11-year-old sons on the lips all the time. None of us has tried to slip a tongue in yet.

teeththief · 14/03/2016 12:00

I posted on page 1 saying my 9 year old DD still gives me a kiss on the lips when she goes in to school. It was playing on my mind this morning so I tried to avoid doing it but as I walked away she called me back and said I'd forgotten her kiss.

I am seriously shocked that some people see a quick peck on the lips as sexual. As for the poster who said they think it's strange as children get older because they'd see their parents kissing on the lips, my children also see us holding hands or hugging/cuddling - I also hold DD's hand and both DC have a cuddle every now and again. Is that also weird in your opinion?

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 13:08

MrsKoala I suppose it depends how you rate the risk. A baby dying? A baby brain damaged? A baby or child blinded? A lifetime of painful outbreaks? Why is a kiss on the lips as opposed to a kiss on the cheek worth the risk?

Do people feel as relaxed about genital herpes as they do about cold sores? I haven't had a problem with genital herpes so not sure. Of course cold sores can become genital herpes for your partner if you wish to have oral sex so some people might not want to have an intimate relationship with you.

ThreadyPants · 14/03/2016 13:12

For gods sake. I can't bear these discussions. They're our own children why on earth wouldn't you feel comfortable kissing your own child on the lips?

There's some physiological stuff going on there that's just pretty sad, to be honest.

wiltingfast · 14/03/2016 13:13

how did we get from kissing children to genital herpes? Confused

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 13:19

Because kissing a child on the mouth can give them herpes (cold sores) This can have lifelong consequences one of those being that they can pass the virus on by kissing or by oral sex when it becomes genital herpes.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 14/03/2016 13:21

Toddlers give amazing kisses! They kind of go "pop", cos they can't pucker up. Hilarious and I wouldn't miss it for the world. When I kiss my niece, I say "Mwah". When they visit and stay over, her Mummy (my Sister) carries her round the family for her bedtime kiss. The day that's wrong, is a sad day indeed. I did the same with my kids. My sister will give my DS (19) and DD (17) a kiss when she visits at the weekend. And a HUGE Aunty cuddle. Because she loves them and misses them dearly. And they won't bat an eyelid, because they love their Aunty. In fact, my son is now so big and tall he will pick his Aunty up and swing her round. (Show off!).

Oysterbabe · 14/03/2016 13:22

This discussion pisses me off too just because both sides end up snipping at eachother and implying they have issues.
There is nothing wrong with my relationship with my daughter just because I don't kiss her on the lips. Can't we just agree to disagree?

MantaRayBay · 14/03/2016 13:26

Great, another way to make mothers feel paranoid and guilty.

If we kiss them, it is "inappropriate" and a risk to their health (?)

If we don't, we're "refrigerator mothers".

We cannot win.

For what it's worth, when my prem baby was in hospital, I was encouraged by the nurses to kiss him (tho I should clarify, not specifically on the lips) so that I would expose myself to the pathogens he was exposed to, and make the appropriate antibodies in my milk. No idea if that's evidence-based.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 13:29

MantaRayBay I don't think anyone has said we shouldn't kiss children, the issue is specifically on the lips.

I'm sure the advice you were given wouldn't have done any harm so if thee is a chance that it would be positive then it was worth it and it would have been nice for you both anyway.

wiltingfast · 14/03/2016 13:30

Hmm, granny, so you're saying we shouldn't kiss our children on the lips cause they might get herpes and might at some point in the future have oral sex with a partner when they have an active cold sore and give that partner genital herpes?

Have to say I'm not aware of that being such a terrible problem I should refuse to kiss my children over it. Herpes is incredibly common. Most people are exposed at one point or another. I really don't see it as an extra big risk I should be worried about.