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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this ladies opinion on kissing children on the mouth was a bit extreme?

166 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 13/03/2016 21:43

I was watching a discussion on the TV on Friday morning which centred on children kissing their parents on the mouth.

It was a group discussion but they typically had one woman arguing why it was fine and one woman saying it wasn't and if I remember correctly they both had qualifications in psychology and child development etc.

The woman who was anti kissing children said that in order to teach our children appropriate behaviours (in relation to what an intimate act is) then parents should stop kissing children on the mouth when they are 18 months old. I was listening to her in disbelief and most of the people involved in the discussion looked quite shocked too.

She went on to say that if parents kissed their child on their mouth at this age and older then the children may go on to kiss their grandparents or caregivers on the mouth (specifically mentioning childminders and nursery workers) and then said something along the lines of, "And then where is the line drawn in that child's eyes as to what is appropriate kissing behaviour?"

I have a 2 year old who I kiss on the mouth all the time and I have no problem with him kissing others on the mouth either.

I appreciate there comes a point where a child, or the other person involved, may feel uncomfortable about kissing on the lips, but surely a cut off point of 18 months is a bit extreme?

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 13/03/2016 22:45

Meh. I occasionally kissed my DM on the lips when she was alive and we were in our 60s/20s. Somehow I managed not to confuse it with sexual behaviour.

DD kisses me on the lips. She's 3. When and if she doesn't want to any more, she won't, and that's fine too.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 13/03/2016 22:45

I'm actually surprised at how many people think it's weird.... Shock

I thought I would get a unanimous YANBU but I fear not now...... Grin

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 13/03/2016 22:46

I think it is a bit strange. I only kissed mine on the lips when they were tiny babies, and even then probably not that much.

I don't think it is inappropriate as such, but for me it just feels a bit intimate. I grew up in a house where physical affection wasn't much of a thing so that probably colours my opinion.

Lip kissing is for dh only.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 13/03/2016 22:47

I wasn't kisses on the mouth as a child by family and I wouldn't do it to my kids. I had lots of hugs and non-mouth kisses though

But if other people do and both child and parent are happy with it then fair enough.

I agree that it's not a sexual thing, just as a baby grabbing a boob isn't sexual.

I agree with PP that toddlers can and do learn boundaries, that they can behave differently with family than with other people. But this does need to be taught so I wouldn't encourage kissing of anyone outside immediate family, and reinforce that kids can say no to any kiss or touch that they don't want (obv except when safety means they have to have their hand held etc)

Karoleann · 13/03/2016 22:48

DH and I don't kiss on the mouth because of cold sores, we both don't have the capacity to produce the enzyme that can fight herpes simplex, so I don't want to take the chance to pass it on to children who will definitely not have that enzyme either. You can be contagious before the tingle/sore.

That's personal to us though there's no reason why other parents shouldn't kiss their children as long as they don't suffer from recurrent cold sores.

MartyrStewart · 13/03/2016 22:51

I kiss my DC (11 and 7) on the mouth, but then I still kiss my parents too.

There's a big difference between an affectionate peck and a full on snog!

FellOutOfBedTwice · 13/03/2016 22:55

I kiss all of my immediate family on the lips- mum, dad, sister, grandmother, grandad when he was alive. Can't say it's ever felt especially sexual.... TBH I think it's odd that anyone would suggest it was sexual. I have a 20 month old DD who kisses me on the mouth about 100 times a day (she's just in a very loving place right now! Grin) and she kisses her Dad, her grandparents, her aunt, her dolly and Peppa Pig on the lips too... But refrains from doing it to people at nursery, in shops and on buses. Even at her age she knows you kiss some people on the lips and not others. I think that's totally normal and far healthier than the idea that lip kissing is something you only do with sexual partners.

AmIthatbloodycold · 13/03/2016 22:56

It makes me fell awkward when my nieces do it, as it's something my sister does to them. They then think it's normal to kiss me the same way.

I am incredibly affectionate with my own DC, and we kiss and hug, but never on the mouth

I can't quite articulate why, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

almondpoisson · 13/03/2016 22:56

I think it's not nice. I would be very unhappy if someone kissed DC on the mouth and gave them herpes virus, or whatever else.

Fiona80 · 13/03/2016 22:56

Never kiss my kids on the mouth, it's just not me, but if others are ok doing it with thier children then fine, as long as they are comfortable.

Ginkypig · 13/03/2016 22:57

It depends on the child. What the relationship to the child is etc.

Iv been around kids (in the family) who hate it and some who don't.

I do a kiss face and if they choose lip peck then so be it. My niece kisses my lips nephew holds his cheek out and always has. Sisters both still like a lip peck as a greeting/goodbye even though they are now adults. I'm much older than them and helped raise them which might explain it.

My friends son liked it when he was younger but now prefers a cuddle and kisses my cheek.

I wouldn't presume to try to kiss a child I didn't know well on the lips though.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 13/03/2016 22:58

I am seriously stunned at how many people think this is inappropriate. What the fuck is wrong with you all?!! It's not like anyone's advocating sticking their tongue in!

My kids are taught not to let anyone kiss or touch them if they don't want them to, and not to force kisses or touches onto anyone who doesn't want to, but they're happy to kiss me, each other and their dad on the mouth, so why on earth shouldn't they? It could not be more innocently intentioned.

AnUtterIdiot · 13/03/2016 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zaryiah · 13/03/2016 23:01

Do people realise that when they say mouth kissing is sexual, you're implying that those of us who do it have some sort of sexual desire for our children? Hmm A brief peck on the lip is not a full-on snog!

In other cultures, people show affection without sexual attraction.

Jesabel · 13/03/2016 23:03

I kiss mine on the mouth (aged 2 and 5). They kiss their grandparents on the mouth too. I don't now kiss my parents on the lips though so I guess at some point it became inappropriate without having to think about it.

I don't have cold sores so that isn't something I worry about.

liz70 · 13/03/2016 23:05

DD3 (six) loves kissing and being kissed by me, on cheeks, nose, forehead, chin, and lips. There is nothing weird or sexual about a quick kiss with closed lips. I will carry on doing so until she lets me know she doesn't wish to anymore. Hmm that anyone would think it odd or ick.

Onepot · 13/03/2016 23:06

Just thinking about this Would there be a certain age when it would be deemed as inappropriate to kiss a child on the lips, and would there be a different age if it was a farther?

skankingpiglet · 13/03/2016 23:07

Neither DH or I kiss DD (21mo) on the lips, however she does like to do it to us with added slobber. I'm of the opinion it's her body, her choice and as she gets older we will talk about boundaries and what it might mean to others, but it'll still remain her choice. DH on the other hand really gets his knickers in a twist about it, it's a real bugbear of his. He gives her a very serious 'talk' about it not being appropriate... Her verbal comprehension is pretty good for her age, but I get a feeling this goes straight over her head Grin I think at the moment she's being nice, it's obviously not sexual, and she wants to do it. The only thing I see wrong with it is the poor recipient having to put up with all that drool and snot, but I've only ever known her try to do it t me or DH, and any recipient equally has as much right to turn their head as she does to offer the kiss.

VelvetCushion · 13/03/2016 23:09

The coldsore virus lays dormant

liz70 · 13/03/2016 23:10

"Would there be a certain age when it would be deemed as inappropriate to kiss a child on the lips"

Whenever the child indicates that they are no longer comfortable with it themself.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 13/03/2016 23:10

DD 8 sometimes kisses me on the lips - she does it if she's feeling extra specially affectionate! or wants something I would more often go to kiss her on the forehead or cheek, but sometimes that's not what she wants. That's fine with me. If a little girl wants her Mummy to kiss her on the lips, why not?

I've never seen her kiss anyone else on the lips though. And I don't get cold sores.

milkysmum · 13/03/2016 23:11

I kiss both of mine age 7 and 4 on the mouth- a peck for those of you who think its sexual- it's really really not!

DiscoGlitter · 13/03/2016 23:11

I'm another one who's incredibly affectionate and free with the kisses when I want to be much to their disgust now they're a little bit older Grin --
I don't kiss them on the mouth though. They've got lovely squeezy kissable cheeks for that, lol.
Nursery workers kissing their 'pupils' on the lips is definitely wildly inappropriate! Shock

JosiePye · 13/03/2016 23:14

Kiss both of mine on the lips. It is affectionate, not remotely sexual! My parents never would have kissed me on the lips, and were generally not that physically affectionate. (I do remember having an Uncle who used to kiss me on the lips, which I thought was yuck!). I imagine it will naturally tail off as they get older.

Neither of my kids have ever had cold sores and obviously I wouldn't dream of kissing them on the lips if I had one. I wouldn't kiss them on the cheek if I had one either.

liz70 · 13/03/2016 23:15

"If a little girl wants her Mummy to kiss her on the lips, why not?"

Amen to that. #needakissylipssmiley

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