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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this ladies opinion on kissing children on the mouth was a bit extreme?

166 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 13/03/2016 21:43

I was watching a discussion on the TV on Friday morning which centred on children kissing their parents on the mouth.

It was a group discussion but they typically had one woman arguing why it was fine and one woman saying it wasn't and if I remember correctly they both had qualifications in psychology and child development etc.

The woman who was anti kissing children said that in order to teach our children appropriate behaviours (in relation to what an intimate act is) then parents should stop kissing children on the mouth when they are 18 months old. I was listening to her in disbelief and most of the people involved in the discussion looked quite shocked too.

She went on to say that if parents kissed their child on their mouth at this age and older then the children may go on to kiss their grandparents or caregivers on the mouth (specifically mentioning childminders and nursery workers) and then said something along the lines of, "And then where is the line drawn in that child's eyes as to what is appropriate kissing behaviour?"

I have a 2 year old who I kiss on the mouth all the time and I have no problem with him kissing others on the mouth either.

I appreciate there comes a point where a child, or the other person involved, may feel uncomfortable about kissing on the lips, but surely a cut off point of 18 months is a bit extreme?

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 14/03/2016 08:13

Dds are 2 and 4 and they both kiss Dh and I on the lips. Their kisses are beautiful! I will have to read the full thread and think if I need to hold back on it now.

chibsortig · 14/03/2016 08:17

People are bonkers.

I breast fed/feed my children used my breasts therefore sexual because breasts are sexual says the people.
I'm not feeding my children to keep them alive no that cant possibly be the reason. Nor that I'm too tight to buy formula and breastmilk is free.

Kissing my children on the lips - now sexual because lips are erm lips? Ah right i'm getting it because i kiss my husband on the lips with my lips kissing anyone/thing else must be deemed sexual.
Its not always sexual when i kiss my DH and its most definitely not when i kiss my children on the lips or their favourite dolly or even their trucks
It is mostly led by my children how else will they learn to show affection (none sexual obviously) if i dont show them? When they dont want to be kissed they show it and i respect it and i dont force them to kiss relatives or strangers. They dont have to be affectionate with anyone if they choose not to.
If we the parents dont show them affection and whats acceptable and whats not how will they learn? Kissing is a personal thing if you dont want to lip kiss dont your choice as equally it is mine and my childrens choice to kiss on the lips until they no longer want to.

BolshierAryaStark · 14/03/2016 08:20

There is a vast difference between sexual kissing & pecks on the lips
Mine are 6 & 4, they love lip kisses & I'd struggle to care if others thought this weird.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 14/03/2016 08:21

It seems more like an even split now. I am however going to have to try and find on YouTube the kiss between Sam Fraire's partner and his mum seeing as it has been mentioned a few times.....

OP posts:

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 08:21

Herpes virus, i.e. cold sores, I have suffered multiple outbreaks every year since I was 2, I'm 62 now. All the misery I have suffered because some adult thought it was appropriate to kiss a 2 year old on the mouth. I kissed my kids load, on the cheek, top of the head no need to kiss on the mouth. Before anyone says they don't have herpes have you had the blood test? More people carry it without symptoms than have outbreaks but they can still pass it one. I have brought up 4 kids and they have never had an outbreak so I hope I have never passed it on.

differentnameforthis · 14/03/2016 08:23

On a similar vein chibsortig, giving birth vaginally must be sexual too, as you use your vagina for ... you know ... S E X!!

We can't kiss babies on the lips, yet they can travel through our vaginas...

So now we should all have sections.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/03/2016 08:23

I haven't read the thread but I love smothering my little boy in kisses! His big chubby cheeks, his forehead!

It's pure love and affection nothing else about it!

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 08:25

Just to clarify you can pass on herpes even if you aren't having an outbreak. It is called asymptomatic shedding. The first outbreak is awful, well all mine are pretty awful, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy let alone a child I loved.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 08:31

I don't think kissing a little one on the mouth is sexual. Some people cope better than others with the herpes virus. The majority of people who carry it never get an outbreak some, like me, get repeated outbreaks. As a teenager I don't think I ever went to a disco, a date, any social event without a cold sore, it made my life a misery and damaged my confidence. Kissing kids on the mouth is not harmless for many of us. My brother and sister got kissed by the same adult, he has never had an outbreak and my sister has had a handful of outbreaks in her life. Although my brother has never had an outbreak it is possible, maybe likely, that he is a carrier.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 08:32

QuiteLikely, kissing on the forehead and cheeks is safe as the skin is thicker. It is the lips and genitals that are vulnerable, also if the skin is broken which is why some people get it on fingers as they have maybe chewed round their nails.

curren · 14/03/2016 08:35

Sorry but a tiny chance of giving the kids herpes, when I have never displayed symptoms. Won't stop me. Dd is almost 12. In her teens and twenties I am sure she will be kissing lots of people.

Do you expect teens and adults to never kiss anyone just incase they pass herpes on?

With that thinking no one should kiss on the lips, ever.

Fluffyears · 14/03/2016 08:36

There is a danger element in very small babies. A baby a few months old in our town died from step B which he contracted from a mouth kiss with a relative. So tiny infants should never be kissed on the mouth, but toddlers is not really an issue since they put most things in their mouths anyway so they are more likely to pass something onto the adult.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 08:49

Curren most people get herpes on the mouth as babies/young children. They aren't making a choice, the adult is deciding it is OK to put the child at risk. I think it is incredibly selfish to kiss a baby or young child on the mouth, in a young baby it can be fatal. It is perfectly possible to show your love without kissing on the mouth, as someone said you can kiss them on the cheeks or forehead, why put them at risk?

Owllady · 14/03/2016 08:54

I think it's just one of those things you either do or don't but before I saw the article in the mail I hadn't even realised it was ick and wrong, so thank goodness they pointed it out to me. I'm such a silly woman

SleepForTheWeak · 14/03/2016 08:58

What am I reading?

I can't believe people think it weird or inappropriate to kiss their own young children on the lips?!

I kiss my DD (16 months) on the lips daily. She kisses her dad and granny on the lips too, when she wants to.

And guess what?

Sometimes she kisses the dog on the lips.

Xxx

curren · 14/03/2016 08:59

granny that chances are tiny. If you know you have it fair enough. But to use the small possibility that you might pass on herpes when you haven't had an out break and 'could be carrier' isn't realistic.

As I said, if it was realistic no one should be kissing. What about the teenagers snogging that have never had an outbreak? Or husbands and wives?

I am not going to ban kissing my kids based on a tiny chance I may pass on something I probably don't have.

My dd has got to 12 and ds 5. It's never been an issue.

curren · 14/03/2016 08:59

As op says after the crap toddlers put in their mouth is of a bigger concern to me.

stitch10yearson · 14/03/2016 09:01

I think its whatever you think is normal. I didnt grow up with kissing on the lips and therefore to me, its purely a sexual thing and a bit weird when I see people kiss on the lips in an asexual way.

But everyone has different pov. Doesnt mean they arent valid.

CallousAndStrange · 14/03/2016 09:03

What a weird thing to be uptight about. Kissing anywhere isn't sexual unless you make it so. My little girl is very affectionate and kisses lips, cheeks, nose, and I'd never refuse her. She also has taken to sticking her hand down my top, also not sexual. Think she does it to warm up her hands.

All those going 'gasp! HERPES!' sound a little childish, tbh. Rather like kids at school 'oh no, don't kiss her on the LIPS, you'll get DISEASES!' I don't think a closed mouth peck on the lips is likely to be much more infectious than any other form of close contact.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 09:03

curren more people have it without symptoms than with. As I said it is different for adults and teenagers, they are old enough to make an informed decision a baby isn't. I am sure the adult who gave it to me had no idea of the misery it would cause. There is no need to kiss a baby on the mouth and I still think it is selfish to put a baby in danger to satisfy some need the adult has.

Most people with oral hsv caught it in childhood, if a large percentage of us have it, I don't think it is 90% but that isn't the point, why do you think it is a small risk?

curren · 14/03/2016 09:06

Because most people don't pass it on.

Personally I didn't kiss my babies when they were very tiny. Slobber being the reason.

Do you think people should go for mandatory genetic testing before having a baby? We all have a chance of passing something on yo our kids that we didn't know we had.

By your thinking all kissing should be banned.

curren · 14/03/2016 09:10

Besides which the debate on this morning wasn't about passing on herpes. It's was about kissing on the lips being inappropriate because some people see all lips kisses as a sexual act. Which I think is a bit odd.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 09:13

Curren, I specifically said teens and adults have a choice. A young child/baby being kissed by an adult is a different matter. How do you think the majority of the population have herpes if most people don't pass it on?

No I definitely don't think all kissing should be banned. I think kissing babies on the mouth should be banned. No one needs to kiss a baby on the mouth.

I can't say it more clearly and I think you are deliberately twisting it. If you choose to endanger a baby I leave that to your own conscience.

Oysterbabe · 14/03/2016 09:14

I don't kiss DD on the lips and it would feel odd to me. Probably because the only person whose lips I've kissed have been partners. My own family are not touchy feely kind of people. I think I've hugged one of my brothers once and that was at his wedding 15 years ago.
I kiss DD on her lovely chubby cheeks constantly. I think it would make me very uncomfortable if anyone else kissed her on the lips.
I couldn't care less what anyone else does with their own kids.
I don't think it's sexual or anything, just a bit too personal I guess.

grannytomine · 14/03/2016 09:15

I have said I don't think kissing babies/children on the mouth is sexual. However, with my own experience and knowledge I think it is important that people know the dangers. People on here have said they wouldn't do it if they had a cold sore so they obviously don't know that they can pass it on even without a cold sore being present. Seems worth people knowing to me, if they don't want to inflict it on an innocent child.

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