Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think people who rather a child stay in care than be adopted by gays

275 replies

Catvsworld · 13/03/2016 20:34

Aibu to think people who would rather a child stay in foster care rather than be adopted by gays have real issues are there hatred of gays is more important than a child's well being

Following on from this idiot judge to was quite rightly removed for allowing his personal feeling on gay adoption rather than applying the law

Listing to the bbc London and so many people Felt a child was better off in care

As an adopter myself this is not a issue of gay vs straight couple it's a issue of gay vs a life in care with many moves

And tbh if straight parents were that fab the children wouldn't be in care all the children we fostered came from straight parents

I just wonder if these people could aculoy look a child in the face and say there is a gay couple who wants you but I think it best yu stay in care for your natrual born Shock with a straight face

Also they don't factor in for some children who have been abused by say men two women would be ideal for that child ect

OP posts:
GlitteryShoes · 13/03/2016 22:26

Zariyah, children do deserve the best start, but this is not necessarily adoption. Current thinking says adoption should be a last resort ( though I'm sure it will swing the other way soon) and that children are best placed with extended family.

NickiFury · 13/03/2016 22:27

Ebony. You sound like my ex FIL. He believes that in a few decades children adopted by gay couples will be suing social services for ruining their lives by allowing them to be adopted by unnatural couples. We all laugh at him and think he's quite stupid though, which he is. Whenever I hear these kind of offensive views I always think of my friends who adopted - yes they're gay - a sibling group who were devastatingly neglected by their addict parent/s. These children have stayed together and have a life, home, love, education and security that was unimaginable for them only a few years ago.

Your views disgust me and I bet they're not the only unpleasant ones you hold are they? That kind of hate and prejudice tends to spill over into other areas too.

BIWI · 13/03/2016 22:27

Please can you answer my question, Ebony?

My son is gay. He is a lovely, caring, respectful and hard working young man. What on earth would be wrong with him adopting a child? He isn't going to be able to 'make' one of his own, seeing as he's gay and all that malarkey.

Why on earth would he not make a good father?

ghostyslovesheep · 13/03/2016 22:27

EbonyDanny claims to work in 'mental health' - I hope to go not - or that I knew where because with those views they should not be allowed within a mile of vulnerable people

TeenAndTween · 13/03/2016 22:27

zariyah Yes you are absolutely correct re children's homes still existing. But 'troubled teens' aren't the ones looking for adoption.
And yes to what glittery said.

Elmersnewfriend · 13/03/2016 22:27

Ebony, do you seriously not see this is as abhorrent as if you were saying non-whites shouldn't adopt? It is a vile, vile opinion.

TheSinkingFeeling · 13/03/2016 22:28

EbonyDanny claims to work in 'mental health' - I hope to go not - or that I knew where because with those views they should not be allowed within a mile of vulnerable people

I agree entirely

Pandora2016 · 13/03/2016 22:29

So, you do think that 'nature' can think? That it cares whether gay people reproduce or not?

You're sounding pretty religious to me.

mycatsloveeachother · 13/03/2016 22:29

There are a lot of views like Ebony's around.

I couldn't disagree with her more strongly, but I'll say this - she was willing to say them out loud; I grudgingly respect that. I know a lot of people will have opened the thread thinking privately 'ugh, no they shouldn't' but wouldn't say so.

On a good day they might twitter nervously about a child knowing both his parents and a boy having a male role model.

GlitteryShoes · 13/03/2016 22:29

Ebony, there is longstanding research that shows children bought up in gay households do really well, because their parents are resilient and support the children well as they have experienced bigotry etc. what evidence would make you reconsider your views?

Solobo · 13/03/2016 22:30

Can we outlaw ignorant bigoted twats adopting? That's surely important .

Thankfully decent people no longer hold such outdated and vile opinions.
In fact it's only deviants that now do.

acasualobserver · 13/03/2016 22:30

I am willing and open to learn = please give me some more opportunities to share my bigotry and hatred. I think anyone engaging with you now is simply enabling a deeply unpleasant person.

zaryiah · 13/03/2016 22:31

When I said permanent placement homes/placement, I meant it as permanent as opposed to temporary. I did not state that it has to be adoption. However, in the cases where guardianship is not appropriate or possible, I still believe children benefit from stability, whether that be in long term foster care or adoption.

NickiFury · 13/03/2016 22:32

Oh she has NOT said them out loud. She's said them on an anonymous forum that she can plop her hate all over and then name change and/or disappear. She's as cowardy custard as they come in real life I bet. Do you express these views at work Ebony?

GlitteryShoes · 13/03/2016 22:35

I certainly don't disagree with that zariyah. However with adoption breakdown running at 30% and birth parents able to find their teenage children on Facebook with the law struggling to catch up, it's getting harder not easier. I think ther are much deeper issues than the sexuality of adopters.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/03/2016 22:36

Ebony

Anybody can be a sexual deviant, it isn't related to their sexuality.

And unless that sexual deviancy involves paedophilia, beastiality or necrophilia, it has no bearing on whether said "deviants" are incapable of parenting a child.

EbonyDanny · 13/03/2016 22:37

ghostylovesheep yes I do work in mental health but I go to work to do my duty, not to foster personal beliefs on my patients.
I find it bizarre that you think my beliefs on this matter infringe on my daily life. I do not work in the courts nor am I a social worker.
I may not 'believe' in a lot of things but I support others in exercising their beliefs on a daily basis.
Sometimes I exercise my right to an opinion an an anonymous forum. I may offend you but you offend me.
Personal attacks in place of argument are never the intelligent option are they?

zaryiah · 13/03/2016 22:38

If we pumped money and resources into supporting children and their carers/parents, perhaps we'd have more success and fewer breakdowns in placements, both adoptive and foster. It will never be perfect or even that great but we owe it to the next generation to do better.

VioletEffingham · 13/03/2016 22:39

Ebony "but it sure as hell does not allow them to pro-create." Tell that to my lesbian cousin and her wife who has a daughter from a previous lesbian relationship. They seem to have procreated, so it must be "natural".

BIWI · 13/03/2016 22:39

So I will repeat my question:

My son is gay. He is a lovely, caring, respectful and hard working young man. What on earth would be wrong with him adopting a child? He isn't going to be able to 'make' one of his own, seeing as he's gay and all that malarkey.

Why on earth would he not make a good father?

EbonyDanny · 13/03/2016 22:41

mycatsloveeachother thank you for that. It is brave to have an opinion so different to the popular mind-set. As you can see it does not inspire much debate...just personal attacks.
As a non-white person I find it insulting that I am referred to as 'un-natural' as above.

Devora · 13/03/2016 22:42

Nature may (and does) create gay people but it sure as hell does not allow them to pro-create. This view always bemuses me. I'm gay and have successfully procreated (my birth child was conceived without reproductive technologies). I think the assumption here is that you have to procreate with the person you have sex with - but of course Nature doesn't care about that, it's a social construct.

I have also adopted, and am very aware of how recently this has been allowed. When I first came out, over 30 years ago, the vast majority of people were firmly against gay people having children. I had always wanted children, but thought it was an impossible dream, and certainly terribly unfair to the children because of the homophobia it would expose them to - it was only in my mid-30s that I dared to start thinking it might be a possibility. Now, I'm one of a few gay families at our school - a standard state school in an untrendy suburb - and though I'm sure some people have Views, they keep them to themselves. I'm awed and grateful that public opinion is changing so fast. I've had so much support here on MN and very little prejudice. Ebony is on the wrong side of history.

EbonyDanny · 13/03/2016 22:42

GlitteryShoes I genuinely am pleased to read that.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/03/2016 22:42

It is true that lots of people think similarly to Ebony. My younger sibling does. But said sibling is only just out of their teens and I suspect that with some more life experience that view will change. Not least because when challenged, that opinion cannot be supported with sort of solid argument.

ghostyslovesheep · 13/03/2016 22:42

well I would hope to god you would be kind, supportive, respectful and professional if one of your patients was gay and being visited by their husband/wife/partner - I bet some of that judgement leaks right out though

Placements end when the child leaves at 16 or at 18 (yes they can be extended but not for the same money which makes it difficult for foster carers who are doing a job and taking a huge pay cut) it's not just 'breaking down'

Stability is important - in any family set up - some families are better at it than others