My dad is making me look wealthier than I am (long)

[dazedandconfused17]

I know my diamond shoes are too tight and in the big scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky.

When I was 22 I inherited a house and some land from my grandparents. It came to me as my mother had died when I was little. It isn't Blenheim Palace or anything, but it had been in her family since 1693 and parts of it date back to the 12th century. My DF thought at the time I should sell it, as while it is gorgeous, it has always been a lot of work to maintain etc. In the end (after a couple of years of faff), DH (then DP) and I decided to move in and try and keep the place going.

We're now in our late thirties and it's still here. It's been a rough ride, but so far we have kept the place standing and our family going. It has, however, been really financially tough, especially the last couple of years, due to a bunch of unexpected expenses, specifically massive issues with the roof. Last year in a real pinch, DH borrowed £2000 from a friend to cover vets bills for our dog. At the time, he was meant to be starting a new contract (he works freelance to help support the family) and thought he'd be able to pay back in a couple of months. The job fell through at the last minute and we've not been able to repay on time. Currently I'm paying it off at a rate of £400 per month, which is very hard (we have zero spare income at all right now) but it is getting done.

The friend in question has been, quite reasonably, annoyed with us and said she was only able to spare the money for a couple of months and needs it all back. Last time I saw her she had a massive rant about how we clearly could afford to as the kids went skiing after Christmas and we have a nearly new car.

The thing is this comes from my dad. He has always said that he won't loan us money (which is fair) and he doesn't want us to rely on him as we're grown ups, but does like to sometimes give random gifts. So, for example, he and my stepmum took the kids away, along with my half brothers (who are both much younger than me - closer to my kids age) for a skiing holiday. We could never afford it. And when he wanted to get a new car last year, he gave us his old one, which was a decent three year old VW Passat (I know! I know!). But this is all coming together to make us look super rich - we live in a huge house (even if currently we can't heat it) and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments.

DH is working, but only part time as a postman as he hasn't been able to get a new contact like the one that fell through. I am working, part time out of the home and part time on our business which is meant to get the place a bit more profitable and a bit less of a drain. I did try and explain that we don't have money, just a gift from my dad, and she said that if he could afford to give us a nearly new car, he could definitely afford to give us the money we need to repay her.

Is she being U? I am pretty certain that DF won't loan me the money if I ask, and if he does he'll be really unhappy about it, even though he can afford it. Is he being U? Should I ask anyway?

We have tried to get a bank loan, but after a bunch of financial hiccups last year they pretty much laughed in our face at the suggestion of an unsecured personal loan and we can't take a loan through the business and spend it on a personal debt, I don't think. Loan should be paid off start of May, but it's just getting there.

Xpost with DinosaursRoar Exactly. I think DH needs to look further afield.

Oh for god's sake Roussette at least read the OP's posts! It's easy! They're highlighted!

She said, the dog died and they haven't replaced it

Interesting thread.

OP, what did the friend say when you explained that the car and the skiing were gifts?

She obviously thought you were deliberately not paying her back but regularly now she knows that you weren't going out for a jolly while owing her.

I think you also need to be aware that your friend believes that you have no money, but that also thinks that's an active choice if your DH is only working part time, not going where there's work, and seemingly leaving it to you to sort out the debts that he's taken on. I'd be annoyed at his attitude.

dinosaurs I interpreted the OP as meaning the DH does work away when he had a contract so he might already be doing all he can to get good work.

when you have paid the debt (YABU about that - massively) get your dog insured

70 acres of 'farming' land is nowhere near enough to sustain a house and family, and selling little bits off to fund household income is a ridiculous idea. Being really nosy here, but where/when did the land go? If any went during your grandfathers/mothers custody you could argue that they were setting you up to fail which would be of comfort if you ever did sell.

Ignore the posters calling it a burden and telling you to sell it etc etc - they don't get it and never will. You live in a big house in the country which instantly makes you rich to the masses.

Borrowing money from your friend was a mistake that you'll learn from and won't do again.

You need to find more leisure use from the limited resources that you have. I'm assuming that the wilderness lodge/lodges don't take the entire acreage - I would still think about caravans - rallies require no input at all apart from a water supply and a hole in the ground for toilet waste - it really is easy money. Are you in els/hls? There are some quite lucrative options in there which should work well with the wilderness stuff.

Do you have a further range of buildings to utilise? Caravan/boat storage, or even archiving (if you're close enough to business and buildings are decent) can pay well, again for minimal outlay. Try doing another round of meetings with Natural England, your county promo people, environmental groups etc etc, you sound worn down with it all after a long dark winter, get up and out there and get the passion and enthusiasm back again - if it was never been there in the first place, it might be time for a big hard think.

ghosty why does the op need to insure a dead dog?

Will everyone please understand the dog is no longer alive so there is nothing to insure!!!!

Also suggestions that OP sell the car/land to pay back friend, I think that would take longer than the 2 months OP has already arranged

I may be missing something but those suggesting that the OP sell the house to pay the friend back? How will she sell it that quickly? Surely it will take longer than it will to give the 800 in 2 instalments.
I would ask your dad or get a log book loan on the car. Give friend 800 pounds then once you have paid off dad/loan you are 400 pounds a month better off, then look at some of the great suggestions for selling land, hiring out for camping etc.

I think your dh needs to step up to the plate and get a proper job or you do. You say he "works freelance to help support the family". Help? You can't both work in part-time airy-fairy jobs and hope to maintain a big property.

As you are rural one of you should - as others have said - spend the week where there are jobs. I don't know what "freelance" work he does, but is it something actor-y or presenter-y?

You have to choose - house or lifestyle. If you choose house, then you have to work to pay for it. Your current funds are not sufficient to support house + lifestyle.

DinosaursRoar I'm pretty sure the OP says her husband already does that.

Kinel', this thread is bad for the blood pressure. Dog is dead.

Please don't be rude NoTime. I have read the thread. In the original post the loan from her friend was for vets bills. My post you are referring to is saying why didn't she use some sort of vetinerary plan. Simple.

I am quite aware the dog is no longer around. I am asking why did she ask her friend when they were other options i.e. vet plan, secured loan.

Whoa!! Op I read your post where you said that it feels like the massive betrayal etc to sell it! I mean literally! So your friend has to cope with never being able to fully trust close friends about loans and probably facing trouble due to not getting her money back and that won't be betrayal but some poor dead grandpa will think you have let his soul down or something!!?? Are you for the real? You have a brilliant car which you can't sell to pay her back because it's fathers gift! A big house you can't sell because it's grandpa's trust and in family since ages or something . But it's perfectly fine to screw a friend, eh????
Are you for the real? Or is this a troll?

Rhoda

I think your dh needs to step up to the plate and get a proper job or you do. You say he "works freelance to help support the family". Help? You can't both work in part-time airy-fairy jobs and hope to maintain a big property.

OP said all DH can find is the part time postman job he has and she can only work as a part time receptionist because there is another part time receptionist. I wouldnt call these airy fairy jobs, especially in a rural area.

A part time post man job and part time receptionist would not bring in enough money to sustain most families.

The OP either has to bring in more money, possibly from the land and house, or sell. This is not sustainable.

Oh and why can't you take a loan on the bloody house after all? But again, the way you are dealing with your life, I have a feeling you have done that already? Again, I have been through this kind of situation though in a different context. And I am still learning to trust people again after so many years. The sense of entitlement in some people is so extraordinary that it amazes me.

I may be missing something but those suggesting that the OP sell the house to pay the friend back. How will she sell it that quickly? Surely it will take longer than it will to give the 800 in 2 instalments

Clearly those who have no fucking idea how long an historic rural property in the middle of renovations will take to sell! It could easily be years.

If you bankrupt yourselves to keep that house, how will you feel when your children just sell it?

How about a directors loan from your company? Assuming you have a Ltd company and enough in retained profit? A director can take a loan up to £5000 I believe so long as it's paid back before the company year end. Worth looking into, and fact checking, I'm an accountant but not a tax accountant. From memory there are no rules as to what the director does with the loan, so long as it's paid back and doesn't exceed the £5000 limit (or whatever the current rules are regarding the limit).

I really think you should sell the car and buy a cheaper one. If your Dad doesn't like it, ask him whether he'll loan you the money first.

Sorry to hear about the poor dog OP. To those talking about vet payment plans- we very, very rarely do these and then only for long term clients with an excellent payment history and very short term. Vets are there to treat animals not provide large interest free loans for six months...like any business we have staff salaries etc to pay and depend heavily on cash flow. Payment plans often start well then go to shit after a couple of payments, loads of the practice manager's time is spent chasing them and having to drag people through the small claims court is a pain in the arse and makes everyone miserable.
OP, is the land already rented out? If not, for short term cash get down to the local livestock mart, dairy equipment store and the vet (if it's mixed practice not small animal) and local corner shop and ask if you can put up an ad for grazing for rent. Possibly also ad in farming press. Dairy farmers are your best bet as dry heifers will be going out soon and many people need extra grazing. You might get lucky and find someone desperate for grazing. You can draw up an agreement and get some or all of the cash upfront and you could just let it from now till autumn when the cattle come in. Some of your farming neighbours will know the going rate for land to let. You'll have to accept a bit less if the fencing needs work to make it stockproof or if the tenant needs to repair water troughs, but you can write this into the agreement.

OP, the other thing here is that your friend might well be thinking you should have sold the car to pay the money you owe her. Refusing your kids a holiday wouldn't have made a difference but if she sees you pootling about in a car that you managed without, she's entitled to be pissed off.

I appreciate your original question was sort of that. Realistically, if you are worried that your dad's gifts are making you look better off and all you're worried about is paying the loan, I'd sell the car. How much can you get for it? Can you pay the loan and get a different car?

if your dad is pissed off, he doesn't have the right to be - he gave it to you as a gift so you actually can sell it and if that's to pay off someone to whom you promised a repayment, he should be fine with that because you are doing the honourable thing.

Slightly puzzled at suggestions by pp that your dad loan you money or buy the house off you - especially as he wanted you to sell in the first place.

one reason why I mentioned the house in my original reply - as well as saying "refuse gifts if you are worried what it looks like" - I have this vision of you really suffering to keep the house, then the children inheriting it and having an ancient pile that they can't get anything for either. I would feel wrong not pointing this out to you.

my family tree on the side that's abroad can trace back property for centuries; two siblings were living there but finally sold it as it was impossible to adapt for disability and one of them has a major one. They weren't losing money when they did keep it though. Decisions based on sentiment are rarely good ones.

I'm just a little bit confused about the finances. Is there a whole load more debt? Because I can't understand otherwise how someone who owns a property and two holidays lets would not have the means to pay the vet bill on a credit card or be declined an unsecured loan not be able to arrange a temporary overdraft.