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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is making me look wealthier than I am (long)

393 replies

dazedandconfused17 · 13/03/2016 13:15

I know my diamond shoes are too tight and in the big scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky.

When I was 22 I inherited a house and some land from my grandparents. It came to me as my mother had died when I was little. It isn't Blenheim Palace or anything, but it had been in her family since 1693 and parts of it date back to the 12th century. My DF thought at the time I should sell it, as while it is gorgeous, it has always been a lot of work to maintain etc. In the end (after a couple of years of faff), DH (then DP) and I decided to move in and try and keep the place going.

We're now in our late thirties and it's still here. It's been a rough ride, but so far we have kept the place standing and our family going. It has, however, been really financially tough, especially the last couple of years, due to a bunch of unexpected expenses, specifically massive issues with the roof. Last year in a real pinch, DH borrowed £2000 from a friend to cover vets bills for our dog. At the time, he was meant to be starting a new contract (he works freelance to help support the family) and thought he'd be able to pay back in a couple of months. The job fell through at the last minute and we've not been able to repay on time. Currently I'm paying it off at a rate of £400 per month, which is very hard (we have zero spare income at all right now) but it is getting done.

The friend in question has been, quite reasonably, annoyed with us and said she was only able to spare the money for a couple of months and needs it all back. Last time I saw her she had a massive rant about how we clearly could afford to as the kids went skiing after Christmas and we have a nearly new car.

The thing is this comes from my dad. He has always said that he won't loan us money (which is fair) and he doesn't want us to rely on him as we're grown ups, but does like to sometimes give random gifts. So, for example, he and my stepmum took the kids away, along with my half brothers (who are both much younger than me - closer to my kids age) for a skiing holiday. We could never afford it. And when he wanted to get a new car last year, he gave us his old one, which was a decent three year old VW Passat (I know! I know!). But this is all coming together to make us look super rich - we live in a huge house (even if currently we can't heat it) and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments.

DH is working, but only part time as a postman as he hasn't been able to get a new contact like the one that fell through. I am working, part time out of the home and part time on our business which is meant to get the place a bit more profitable and a bit less of a drain. I did try and explain that we don't have money, just a gift from my dad, and she said that if he could afford to give us a nearly new car, he could definitely afford to give us the money we need to repay her.

Is she being U? I am pretty certain that DF won't loan me the money if I ask, and if he does he'll be really unhappy about it, even though he can afford it. Is he being U? Should I ask anyway?

We have tried to get a bank loan, but after a bunch of financial hiccups last year they pretty much laughed in our face at the suggestion of an unsecured personal loan and we can't take a loan through the business and spend it on a personal debt, I don't think. Loan should be paid off start of May, but it's just getting there.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 13/03/2016 14:44

But maintaining the house and managing repairs must be a job itself

Labradorlover01 · 13/03/2016 14:44

Apologies if this has already been suggested but perhaps sell the car and free up some cash by buying a cheaper car .... makes more sense than tying yourself into a further loan...

Notimefortossers · 13/03/2016 14:46

OP I think people have been pretty unfair to you on this thread. Sounds like you've got a million balls in the air to try and improve your situation and all the things you mention they come off will generate a much bigger income than if you trot along and both get full time menial jobs, as people are stupidly suggesting.

Sometimes you have to ride the storm out in order to achieve the dream.

See if you can sort out the log book loan on the car to pay your friend back just to negate any bad feeling, but to be honest, in light of your most recent post I think she is being unreasonable. Your DH was honest when he borrowed the money and you haven't defaulted on anything. He said he'd pay her back as soon as the next contract comes in which SHOULD be in the next couple of months. Well, the next contract hasn't come in yet, which unless she's an idiot she must have known was a possibility. As it stands despite the fact the next contract hasn't come in you're still going to have paid her by May so it's not like you're not doing all you can.

One day soon you will have repaid her and your renovations will be over and everything will get easier. It would be stupid to sell your house and give up on your dream for the sake of a few months hardship.

Have you thought about selling a small portion of the land? Agricultural land pulls in about 10,000 per acre. So even just selling off a few acres could help you out. If you sell it off as allotments you'll make even more.

I'm going to send you a pm, because I think there's a possibility we might be able to help each other depending on where you're located

Roussette · 13/03/2016 14:49

Hmmm... I do think we should look at it from the friend's point of view.

Money lent out the kindness of her heart. Her friend didn't pay up as agreed. Friend lives in huge pile, 70 acres, nature reserve, visitors lodge, activity site, two cottages being rented out, etc etc. Friend might well live in a 2up 2down and wonder if friend with big house isn't taking the piss a bit...

With what you actually own (as above) why on earth wouldn't the Bank lend you 2 grand? You have enough collateral surely!

CwtchesAndCuddles · 13/03/2016 14:50

You CAN sell the house and you should!!!!!

Why would you want to pass the burden on to another generation? You are putting bricks and mortar ahead of your family. You are in debt and loosing friends, why would you want to live like this?

Your friend is right to say you can't afford to live there and is not being unreasonable in expecting her money back.

cleaty · 13/03/2016 14:55

Roussette - OP wanted an unsecured loan, and the bank would only give a secured loan.

curren · 13/03/2016 14:58

I don't get why you would keep the house and pass on this financial burden to your kids.

Honestly I can see why your friend is pissed off. They may have been gifts, but you have other resources available to you. Still not paid her back and then got a new and a lovely holiday.

Booboostwo · 13/03/2016 14:58

I think your priority should be to get the house to work for itself. Get a professional out to advise you one options. People have mentioned a lot of ideas on this thread but we don't know the market, the property, the location
,etc. if you are given one or two ideas for business development you can do a business plan and see whether it's worth it. Then the next step is to fund the renovations so that the business can start as quickly as possible.

titchy · 13/03/2016 14:59

The £2000 was lent on the basis that it would be paid back in two months. It hasn't been. The friend is quite rightly pissed off. For all we know friend's boiler could have broken and she needs the remaining £800 to provide her dcs with hot water and heating.

OP get a log book loan tomorrow and pay your friend back. Any other ideas posted here will take time to fruition and that's not fair on your friend at all.

If your df wants to treat you to a new car and your dcs to a holiday, that's an entirely separate matter and I don't think you should feel guilty about accepting such offers.

Long term however you're screwed. You've been living on your dc's salary assuming no large bills or loss of contract. They were extremely foolish assumptions to make. And you continue in the same vein - once this is done, once that is done, once dh has a new job etc etc. You will bankrupt yourselves before too long.

It's a lovely luxury wanting to keep the house for the next generation, but be realistic - it's not a luxury you, or to be honest 99% of us can afford. Cut your cloth and make plans to sell when you're able to.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2016 15:00

It is highly likely given her fathers stance on the matter that he has just handed them the car and not the log book, or that if she sells it so soon after it being given to her that he will be fuming and that will impact on her kids.

Have many of you attempted to live or even been inside the type of house the op appears to be talking about?

They are incredibly hard to sell they are also very hard to rent it even rent rooms in without often large sums of money being spent out.

It's why quite a few people with very old houses tend to live in one or two rooms whilst the rest is being sorted or even in caravans on the grounds

Roussette · 13/03/2016 15:01

cleaty I read something about the loan but wondered why wouldn't she take a secured one? She could have pledged the car as collateral.

Fluffy24 · 13/03/2016 15:02

Sorry OP but the house does sound like an albatross and I'm sure your DGF didn't want it to make your life a perpetual struggle, nor I expect do you want your DCS to have the same dilemma, even if it had been in the family since the year dot - if it means so much to the family then your DF should be contributing to it's renovation, it sounds like you've been lumbered with it.

Very few of these ancient houses are still run and maintained by their original families - for a very good reason!

Roussette · 13/03/2016 15:02

Moral of the story - never borrow from friends.

winetime9 · 13/03/2016 15:03

I'm sure your grandfather wouldn't want you struggling like this though? I'm sorry, this is a horrible situation, but the situation you're in right now just isn't sustainable

Kayakinggirl86 · 13/03/2016 15:03

This may have already been said but only read in detail up to page 5 have up.
My family had a big house, farm, land and windmill. Back in the 1960's it needed more work than anyone could afford. So it got donated in trust to the national trust. There were strict rules put with the property and land as part of the donation (ie that the family can still live in the main house, can only be open for a certain number of hours a month, estate could not be sold off not even part of it). The national trust pays for all the up keep. Once a month it is open to the public and the out buildings have been turned in to museum (kind of hate that though as there are somethings I would love and they are in the museum). My great aunt still lives in the house. And my generation are not going to spend our lives wondering how to pay for it or could we sell it (would easily sell as less than a hour to london).
Have you spoken to the national trust about the house and there up keep loans or how they could help you?

cleaty · 13/03/2016 15:04

I know houses like these are hard to sell and go for far less than you would imagine. But we all need to make financial decisions that are sensible. And that means preparing for unexpected bills as much as we can.

leelu66 · 13/03/2016 15:05

Roussette if you read OPs posts, she says they're already in it up to their eyeballs (roof repairs which weren't covered by insurance).

ssd · 13/03/2016 15:06

do you like living in a big posh house op, is that it? you must know you cant afford it and shouldn't be getting handouts from your dad at your age.

something here tells me you like the privilege involved with a massive home but cant afford the upkeep without your dad propping you up with his gifts

of course you can sell this house, your gp's would need to get over it and your children wont feel the burden that you're feeling

Roussette · 13/03/2016 15:06

Yes, but why should a friend bear the brunt? I don't have pets but aren't there vetinerary payment plans?

Notimefortossers · 13/03/2016 15:06

Was just looking at the log book loan thing and credit unions were cited as a better option.

Go to www.findyourcreditunion.co.uk/home to see if there's one you could join and borrow from. They don't charge any more than 3% interest, but some of them require you to save for a bit before they'll give you a loan, which obviously won't help you in the immediate sense!

DinosaursRoar · 13/03/2016 15:07

OP - I would consider getting a mortgage if that means you can get the work done to restore the house quicker and then have a managable debt to deal with.

Longer term, you need a way to keep your expenses down and income up - your DH might well have to move away for a contract, if that means he has to rent a room in another town in the week, coming home only at the weekends for a year, then that's a choice you should take.

I would also question if your income is so low, how you justify having pets you can't afford...

Sit your friend down and apologise again, explain your Dad is being "odd" about being prepared to give you expensive gifts, but not actually money when you are in need. You can't change his mind on that.

On the upside, if you can afford to pay her £400 a month, you can continue to save that once the debt is paid and you'll be able to build up a cushion for future problems.

ssd · 13/03/2016 15:07

and I can totally see your friends POV here

Floggingmolly · 13/03/2016 15:08

Op shouldn't have been frightened of a secured loan of two thousand, cleaty. Two hundred thousand, maybe. But if the possibility of them having to renege on a two grand loan was really that high, they are in so far over their heads they're practically going down for the third time.
Nobody should live like that, voluntarily

Twinklestein · 13/03/2016 15:08

I don't think it's necessary to sell the house. I do think it's necessary to pay the friend back asap - either borrowing from the dad or selling the car.

It may be necessary though for DH to go where the work is. Take FT job in the nearest city, commuting back at weekends, until the renovations are finished.

There are many ideas on this thread for diverse means of generating income from house, a combination of these may work well.

DinosaursRoar · 13/03/2016 15:10

oh and I don't think it's the house size that's the problem, it's that neither of them are working full time. The DH doing contract work might be fine if he can get regular contracts, but if it's in a location where that's not an option, then he needs to move where there are jobs. If that means not living together in the week, then so be it.

Something has to give. It seems like his career choice isn't suitable for where you live and the current employment market.