to think there's nothing wrong with being teetotal?

[ShowOfHands]

DH and I don't drink. We're not evangelical or derisive of people who do. I just never started and DH used to as a teen but gave it up 17yrs ago.

DH is on a stag weekend right now and the majority of men there are completely indifferent with regards to who drinks what and why. A couple of them however, seemed to mishear DH when he said he was teetotal and presumably, what they heard is "I'm from Planet Zog and I will actually be dipping my tumescent cock in my beverage and sucking it up that way". You'd think so anyway from their ashen faces, incredulity and on two occasions, the downright refusal to buy him "a bloody coke" and then proceeding to plonk a pint in front of him instead.

They keep going on about how it's like having a maiden aunt along and last night one of them threatened to spike his drink.

Ironically, their insistence that DH needs "a good stuff drink inside them" (yeah I could psychoanalyse the shit out of that tbh) is 673% duller than DH not imbibing their alcoholic offerings in the first place.

On a slightly serious note - I know, it's AIBU and not home of the serious - DH is quite sensitive and I know it makes him feel like he doesn't belong. The groom and most of the other blokes don't care but I know DH and I know he'll come home and play the comments over in his head. And that's ridiculous. It's bullying.

Why does this still happen?

Actually, this reminds me of a hen I went on which was a complete waste of time and money but one of the girls there - whom the bride had known for just a few months - was a total, in the groom's words - "pisshead". One night at around 3am when I'd decided I'd had enough to drink, completely pulverised me and was like "don't be so F-ing boring!!!" Leading the bride's SIL to say to me, "I'm sorry she's being such a cow to you". I felt victimised just for not wanting to get slashed. She's also around five years younger than us (including be bride) but now I put it down to the fact she's just a prick.

People think it's just as odd if you ask for a glass of water. Not tea? Coffee? Lemonade? Juice? Fruit tea? Milk? Aarrrgghhh.....

OP I don't drink tea and drink no more than two cups of black coffee at breakfast. It's not for health reasons. I don't like tea and can't face coffee after my limit - I think it's a caffeine injection.

I've started a new job where everyone makes tea or coffee for everyone else if they're having one. I always turn it down but have started to feel they think I'm antisocial for not offering to make everyone a drink whenever I get myself a glass of water - I drink a lot of water throughout the day so I'd spend more time in the kitchen than at my desk.

I suspect they also think I'm a weirdo for getting myself a glass of cold milk from the dispenser. They only use it for tea and coffee. I may be being over sensitive, but have seen a few looks exchanged.

So thanks for this thread because you've reminded me to add two packets of chocolate digestives - milk and plain - to my basket when I go to Sainsbury's in a while. It may convince them I'm not strange and am a team player.

I love a plain chocolate digestive with a glass of ice cold milk .

I haven't been on a work night out since I moved to my current job because I am worried about the flack for not 'joining in'. Ironically I am usually the last one standing on a night out-will do karaoke happily, dance like an idiot, talk to anyone and everyone and have a whale of a time. Stony cold sober. No one ever believes me when I say I don't drink and I smoke socially in part to avoid the endless 'well she MUST be pregnant' comments.

In my culture it's much more accepted to not drink/only have a few drinks. In fact it's the other way around - you're not meant to get completely off your face!

I don't know what your culture is but I've seen French, Italian or Spanish men lifting a restorative glass of Fernet Branca, or whatever is their high alcohol hit of choice, to their lips with shaky hands at 8am in bars and cafes.

Women with alcohol problems presumably drink at home.

Just because a culture frowns upon alcohol abuse, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Yep, been there, had that done to me.
DH and I don't drink - no reasons particularly other than not liking the taste (and preferring to spend our money on gadgets and books.)

What makes it even worse in other people's eyes is that we're also a vegetarian family, and happen not to drink tea or coffee.

The grief we get over all 3 issues is unbelievable. DH (who is almost 50 and has been veggie since he was a teenager) has a family member who asks him every single bloody time we visit "Are you still vegetarian? Do you still not drink tea?" in tones of utter incredulity that he should be so awkward and not simply do what the rest of the world does.

Add them together and you have the main reason I never socialise with anyone from work. Who would choose to spend an evening out being cross examined over every aspect of what they eat and drink?

I love a drink! Crisp white wine, smooth red, gin and tonic, cool beer etc. But almost never to excess since I was in my 20s. When I drink it is usually at home. If I'm out I'll often not bother and have soda and lime. Nobody seems to have an issue with it.

DH and his dad friends were heavy drinkers but are much less so now they are mid 40s. One has stopped entirely and it is never commented on in front of him as everyone knows it has caused him problems in the past.

I think people do make a fuss in certain situations like stag nights which are traditionally heavy with alcohol. When a group is drunk ridiculous things can seem hilariously funny. But only if you're drunk. A sober person would probably think WTF?? And if one person is sitting there po-faced then it could spoil the fun for everyone else. They're being silly and having a great time but there's a permanent reminder that maybe they ought to be sensible. Spoils things when someone's not joining in.

It's a bit like going away on a golf weekend when you don't play golf or with a skiing group when you don't want to ski. The rest of the group can enjoy themselves and however much you insist you're fine doing you're own thing people will have a nagging thought at the back of their minds that they ought to get back to include you. Not your fault but it spoils things a bit anyway.

I wouldn't say this was bullying I would say it was banter!

A word used by unplesant people to attempt to justify unkindness or bullying

I don't drink - for the same reasons as you Showy - I know we have talked about this before - but I have to admit, I wish I did. I do feel a bit of an oddbod not liking the taste of alcohol and I do think it would be much easier if I could enjoy a little alcohol now and then. I don't want to get drunk - I find I can be silly enough without alcohol - but the ability to drink, say, a glass of wine at a meal, would be advantageous. It is quite nice to read so many other comments from people who don't drink, but we are definitely in the minority in society, I would say.

I hate the attitude of you must drink alcohol or you are a weirdo. Ive lost 'friends' cos of it, but now i dont care.

YANBU there is nothing wrong with not drinking alcohol.

I think it has got easier as the attitudes to drink driving have hardened. I was with a group of friends last night, a couple were drinking alcohol, drivers not drinking at all and some others not drinking alcohol because they didn't feel like it. Just not a big deal.

I like a drink but on my own terms. IMO it's rude to enquire why people don't drink at an event where drink is being served. (I mean, 'you wanting a drink?', 'nah, I'm not bothering' is one thing, but beyond that is rude).

I previously worked on a team massively slanted towards white men aged 30-45 and the drinking culture was a pita (and I like a drink, but not a pint put in front of me at 11pm when I was on the red eye). My current team is much more diverse in many ways and that laddish 'bantz' just doesn't happen at social events or on business trips. So much more relaxing than constantly fending off middle-aged men channeling their inner Mrs Doyle

I drink very rarely. There are very few drinks that I like and most of the time I just don't want to. I have all manner of issues with anxiety which can trigger dyspepsia ( I'll eat, get all woozy and then vomit. Oh and it will trigger ibs type symptoms too so in amongst all of that I'll go to the loo umpteen times). Sometimes,if I'm in a good place I can happily have a cocktail and a meal. Other times the drinks make it worse.

At the moment I'm on a hefty dose of sertraline and drinking isn't a good idea anyway so that solves that problem

Good friends it is a non issue.

Some people in my cohort at university just don't get it. I didn't go to the graduation ball because I couldn't stand the idea of being around a bunch of people drinking.

It is sad that this attitude still persists but mostly I think it is improving, as you say it has been a long time since your dh encountered that attitude. I'm inclined to think that most people who don't get it are insensitive in other aspects of life too as most people with an ounce of compassion in their bodies are capable of realising that there are many reasons why someone may avoid alcohol.

What I mean is, unless you have an actual health or religious view that means you physically can't drink, then what exactly is the issue about not having one with the lads on a stag do?

I CAN physically drink, I just choose not to. Like many other posters have said on this thread, the taste of alcohol isnt actually that nice if you dont like it, and no matter whatever drink you have you can taste it.
Also, its my life, my body and my choice what I choose to drink.
I wasnt aware that it was a prerequisite to drink to attend a stag do either.

Why wouldn't you have one or two? You wouldn't have a hangover the next day, or feel sick etc, just by having one or two

Because..
a) I dont like it
b) I dont want to waste my money on something I dont like
c) Would you eat/drink something you didnt like
d) Like some people who dont drink I have absolutely no alcohol tolerance whatsoever. 'One or two' is pretty likely to get me on the way to being drunk. And I dont like the feeling of not geing in control. Btdt. Its why i dont drink.
e) Are you the medical expert on what constitutes a hangover the next morning and peoples precise alcohol tolerance levels?

Not to partake in a social norm does (to me!) indicate there are some deep seated issues around self control.

Social norm, I would call it being actively antisocial if you cant accept peoples views on the consumption or otherwise of alcohol.
I have plenty of self control thanks. Unlike some people who every weekend go out, have ''one or two' or three or four or five or six and end up becoming the next visitor to the local drunk bus.

Oh, and I dont drink tea or coffee either, but will drink coca cola and other caffeinated drinks. Except on an evening thanks to DH's works do (that wives were invited to). Everyone was buying me coca cola that evening, I must have had well over 10 of the things, so consequqntly spent half of the evening awake on a caffeine high.

OP, fair play to your DH.

My family don't drink very much and I notice their almost imperceptible glances at each other when DH and I do at family occasions. Anything more than a single glass of champagne as a toast followed by a single glass of wine with dinner earns THE LOOK.

It's strange because the drivers will allow themselves one glass of wine or beer, and then make a great show of turning down a second: 'because I'm driving', whereas I wouldn't drink alcohol if driving within a few hours. We can both drive btw but don't have a car and use public transport or taxis. Another habit that marks us out as odd .

I'm not sure if they don't realise they are being so obvious or don't mean to make us feel uncomfortable but they are and they do. Truth be told, it puts me off family gatherings.

I don't like people who have issues with you not drinking alcohol but I also dislike those who have an issue when you do.

They exist and we can see them on this thread with the comments about people not being able to enjoy themselves without alcohol.

That kind of person is as boring to an enjoyable atmosphere as being the only sober person in a room full of drinkers.

I can enjoy myself with or without alcohol and that's my business. How other people enjoy themselves is not my business either as long as they're not hurting me.

To be fair, I think they're commenting about some people's belief that you can't enjoy yourself without alcohol leading them to be badgering assholes.

I do wonder, actually, how many of the people in this hypothetical room full of drinkers wouldn't be drinking if they weren't afraid of being the only one who wasn't, if that makes sense.

I do wonder, actually, how many of the people in this hypothetical room full of drinkers wouldn't be drinking if they weren't afraid of being the only one who wasn't, if that makes sense.

No, it doesn't make sense. At the risk of sounding like my mother, who didn't drink much: 'would you stick your head in a gas oven if all your friends were doing it?'

If you don't want to drink alcohol, don't. If people make it an issue, find better company. That works the other way around.

Limited - I was one of the people who made those comments. I don't actually believe them. I was reacting to a poster who said that non-drinkers needed to lighten up, learn to enjoy themselves and get rid of their deep seated control issues.
I made the comments to try to show how daft that is. Because to me, the flip side is "If you need to have a drink to have fun and enjoy yourself then you must mostly be an extremely boring person."
It's not how I actually see anyone. Mostly, I don't care what people drink as long as it doesn't affect me.

I was one of the people who made those comments. I don't actually believe them.

So why make them?

Some people would! Besides, most of us find a glass of wine rather more pleasant and less immediately lethal than your average gas oven. We just may not be in the mood for a drink. I am quite capable of refusing a drink I don't fancy, as clearly are you (and equally of drinking something you do fancy regardless of rolled eyes from the sidelines, more power to your elbow). But a lot of people are socialised not to be seen to do anything different. See post from Redcheck much quoted above.

Sorry, last post was to Limited, hope that's clear.

"I love a plain chocolate digestive with a glass of ice cold milk"

Oh God me too.

Twowrongs, DH wasn't sitting there pofaced or spoiling anything. They were watching the rugby and believe me, DH will have been hollering, screaming and shouting with the rest of them. It isn't an alcohol weekend, it's a stag weekend and they've been doing all sorts of outdoor sporty run round a forest crap. He isn't in a twinset, peering over his disapproving specs.

And yes I read the comments re needing to drink to have a good time as a defence not an attack and twat-specific as opposed to a general indictment. You can't tell a non drinker they're spoiling things or uptight or incapable of fun without logically implying that you need alcohol to enjoy yourself. I don't give a ferret's tit what other people drink. Most people don't I hope.

Dumble, we have chatted before re this. I do sympathise. I am an introvert, prone to anxiety and rather reserved. I don't think in our hedonistic society I ever feel like I completely fit.

Paleontologist, did I read elsewhere you have an interview?

OP the McVities chocolate digestives were on offer - £1 a pack. So I've bought milk, plain, double chocolate and caramel for the office supplies.

That should get them talking in a good way about me...

I also bring in my own sandwiches - tomorrow will be chicken salad -regardless of their stares. I resent paying over £3 for one at Pret a Manger.

All that and my hip flask of gin will see me through the day.

Pret sandwiches were so nice though (I don't work near one nowadays, which is probably just as well.)

^After the meal the bride's father came up and apologised for being a dick and gave me a glass and told me it was the apple juice. I drank it , it was champagne.

Within 5 minutes I started vomiting and had a seizure on the dance floor. angry the bride's father thought it was funny.^

Trixie that's shocking, not to mention I'm pretty sure it's classed as a crime, although I'm not sure which. Assault, perhaps?