to think there's nothing wrong with being teetotal?

[ShowOfHands]

DH and I don't drink. We're not evangelical or derisive of people who do. I just never started and DH used to as a teen but gave it up 17yrs ago.

DH is on a stag weekend right now and the majority of men there are completely indifferent with regards to who drinks what and why. A couple of them however, seemed to mishear DH when he said he was teetotal and presumably, what they heard is "I'm from Planet Zog and I will actually be dipping my tumescent cock in my beverage and sucking it up that way". You'd think so anyway from their ashen faces, incredulity and on two occasions, the downright refusal to buy him "a bloody coke" and then proceeding to plonk a pint in front of him instead.

They keep going on about how it's like having a maiden aunt along and last night one of them threatened to spike his drink.

Ironically, their insistence that DH needs "a good stuff drink inside them" (yeah I could psychoanalyse the shit out of that tbh) is 673% duller than DH not imbibing their alcoholic offerings in the first place.

On a slightly serious note - I know, it's AIBU and not home of the serious - DH is quite sensitive and I know it makes him feel like he doesn't belong. The groom and most of the other blokes don't care but I know DH and I know he'll come home and play the comments over in his head. And that's ridiculous. It's bullying.

Why does this still happen?

And Obviouspretzel nicely demonstrates the attitude that we come across..."but you might like it with food" "what about Christmas" "what about a hot day"

You don't need to drink on any of those occasions. It is a social expectation.

I'm teetotal. I've never been drunk and I've no desire to get drunk. When I first met PILs they thought I was really, really odd. They're the type to drink a bottle of wine a night. Back then I used to have a glass of wine on a special occasion, mainly through peer pressure, but I didn't like it. Now alcohol makes me ill so most people don't push the issue.

DS1 is in the army. He's not a drinker although he's not teetotal. He's incredibly fit, he watches what he eats and exercises a lot. He absolutely hates going to organised events because he experiences things like your DH has. He's taken to offering to be the duty driver so they don't push the issue. It's really sad that grown men can't respect other people's choices.

Sorry Like what someone else does and a comment on what they're doing that was nonsense

I think unless you are an alcoholic then yeah there is something a little bit odd about being teetotal. It would make me think that you have very strong issues around control and self-control and I would wonder why you couldn't loosen up a little. Obviously I NEVER say that to people I know who are teetotal but inside I do wonder why they are so strict about it. I am sure this will be an unpopular opinion!

Off thread a bit but people who have said that they can taste alcohol whatever the drink, I have a question.
I'm with you, by the way, I'm teetotal and always have been, since a teenager. Partly because I am very prone to migraines and figured since I could do hangovers quite well without alcohol there was no sense in adding extra misery by self inflicting them. But also because I hate the taste. Beer, wine, cider, champagne - they all taste of alcohol and its unpleasant.

So, my question is, can you taste it in gravy or sauces? I have an ongoing debate with my parents who love to flavour gravy with wine, for example. I dislike it. I eat it if needs be, but I don't like the flavour it gives the gravy. They insist it doesn't give an alcohol type flavour, as all the alcohol burns off. I keep saying if it doesn't give a flavour of alcohol why put it in? Surely it must do or you just wouldn't bother. What do you think?

What I mean is, unless you have an actual health or religious view that means you physically can't drink, then what exactly is the issue about not having one with the lads on a stag do? Why wouldn't you have one or two? You wouldn't have a hangover the next day, or feel sick etc, just by having one or two. Not to partake in a social norm does (to me!) indicate there are some deep seated issues around self control.

Not to partake in a social norm does (to me!) indicate there are some deep seated issues around self control.

God that's depressing

Red check, turn it round the other way.
People who have to have a drink to 'lighten up' are so boring otherwise that they are not worth being around. They only have something worth saying, or are only able to have fun, if slightly drunk. So why bother with them as a friend because clearly without alcohol they're crap company, and they can't be drunk all the time.

It's the side of the coin that drinkers never want to think about. If you find someone who doesn't drink boring, or unable to lighten up, then it says more about you than them. Needing to have alcohol to engage in witty banter, or have a good time, doesn't say much for someone's personality or company....!!!

redcheck - it's nothing to do with 'being strict' or wanting 'control'. I simply don't like it! I think the fact that you find this hard to understand illustrates the prevailing culture in our society about alcohol.

babybythesea - personally I quite enjoy food cooked with alcoholic drinks once the alcohol has burned off as it seems to give a richness and depth of flavour. It's not the flavour of alcohol to me, though, if that makes sense.

Redcheck IMO you've just proven my point in my earlier post.

Why can't someone just not drink because they don't want to? Don't like the taste?

Needing to do what everyone else does indicates to me some deep rooted insecurities and over-concern with image and what other people think instead of being comfortable in your own skin with your own choices. Just saying.

Like a previous poster, I've also experinced people chanting "drink! drink! drink!" at me in a busy restaurant on a work night out. It was my first week in a new team. I never went out with them again.

I've been asked by a colleague, in front of a room full of people at a conference, if I was a recovering alcoholic.

I've been told by a friends GF at the time (not anymore thankfully) that I was "ruining everyone else's good time" by not drinking. She then bought me a shot despite me telling her repeatedly that I didn't want one and when I wouldn't drink it, she then tried to demand I give her the money for it.

Come to think of it, over the years i've had several people plonk an alcoholic drink down in front of me saying something along the lines of "well, I've paid for it now so you HAVE to drink it". They then seem genuinely shocked when I don't.

Then there's the people who simply don't believe that you don't drink.."but you must drink on your birthday, surely? Well what about weddings? You must have champagne at weddings? Hen do's? Surely you don't stay sober at a hen do?? Everyone drinks at Christmas, you must have a drink then at least! What about New Years Eve?? Oh come on, SURELY you have a drink on New Years Eve!! SURELY??!!"

Fortunately, my good friends couldn't give a shit. It does make me a bit apprehensive about socialising with new groups of people though and it's always a relief when people clearly haven't noticed or if they have they don't care. When they do notice, I admit there have been times when I've found myself making excuses ("I'm driving" or "I'm taking antibiotics" or something) because I just want to have a nice time and can't be bothered with having to justify myself

Interesting soup maker. I wonder then if I have just associated the flavour of red wine with alcohol and now that's what I don't like, due to association, rather than the alcohol itself.

Yep if you don't like the taste of alcohol, or if it's a health issue etc then I can understand it. But if you don't mind the taste of alcohol then I don't understand it.

I do confess I posted without RTFT and I now have read the thread and seen I'm only the second person who thinks it's a bit odd...

Utterly depressing that attitudes like these still prevail. I used to drink far too heavily, these days I only drink very moderately at weekends and have two dry months a year. I used to think alcohol = having fun. Now I know that is bollocks. I am/have just as much fun sober as I did drinking and it really has made me think about how dysfunctional our so-called social norms really are.

It's perfectly possible not to like the taste of alcohol, it is distinctive. I happen to like it, others don't. That is not weird.

It's not banter it's bullying, and downright bloody rude too. Exactly how does it impact these other people?! I know it's all well and good saying that, but your poor DH having to put up with people acting that way towards him.

I don't drink for medical reasons, and this seems to be acceptable to people. My BFF doesn't drink and never has after her first few tries (she simply doesn't like the taste), in other peoples opinion it is strange that she chooses not to drink. With me however, it's acceptable to them as there's a medical reason. Why people can't accept that drinking is a choice and respect that is beyond me.

No helpful advice I'm afraid. Maybe he could have a word with his mate and tell him the kind of reaction he's getting? These blokes obviously aren't listening to him, so maybe they'll listen to the stag. I can understand him not wanting to mention it, but I'm sure his mate wouldn't like the fact your DH is being bullied.

Red check, if this was about smoking, would you say the same?
It's the end of a good meal, relaxes, it's so sociable... No? I didn't think so

I mostly find the obsession with what someone else is doing weird.
I don't much care what other people do as long as it doesn't impact on me and my enjoyment. Get drunk? Fine. Get so drunk you start being rude or agressive to me, or vomit on my stuff, not fine.
Why oh why are you so damn interested in me and my actions? I will still be laughing, dancing and playing crazy games, so does it matter whether there's alcohol in my system or not?
All this time wasted over someone else's behaviour which isn't impacting you - I don't get it.

Pippi even one cigarette is harmful. One drink isn't (evidence to suggest it's even beneficial!). So I don't think it's a fair comparison.

redcheck, substitute the alcohol for something you really don't like the taste of. And then imagine somebody is on and on and on at you to eat/drink it because they like it. Calling you weird, implying you have issues because you simply don't like something. Remember as well, that most people won't want to share their health or other reasons with the room at large and really, the polite thing to do is accept other people's word and not judge them erroneously.

And if it's a social norm, it's a modern one. You've been hoodwinked into being an unkind and judgmental person by a pervasive and damaging message. And implying you need alcohol to loosen up is silly in the extreme. I've seen alcohol make people uptight in the extreme. Or happy. Or funny. Or morose. Or angry. Or silly. The very point is that each person has their own relationship with alcohol and as a kind person, you respect that. I'd argue that the person judging or assuming deep seated issues is actually the one with the unhealthy relationship.

And yes the gravy and sauces taste of alcohol because it's a fallacy that all the alcohol cooks off.

Baby My questions were rhetorical and aimed at another poster. Sorry, wasn't clear.

Banter must have changed meaning recently - I always thought banter was a mutual joke between friends that never got out of hand and which crucially everyone found funny.
Constant nagging and badgering someone to have a drink because other people want them to isn't banter.
YANBU. We do drink but I won't always have a drink on a night out, it depends how I feel. I do get nagged at (or suggestions of pregnancy ) sometimes but I just ignore them.

redcheck I always take being called odd a compliment in situations like these. Being 'odd' to me means being true to oneself, not giving into pressure and standing by your beliefs. I am odd, and I like it that way.

Didn't think it was aimed at me! I was musing in a general sort of way - I am genuinely slightly bemused by all the headspace people seem to give to me and my non drinking.

I sympthasise with your DH. It really is bullying.

As a 43 year 'middle class' woman I find the pressure to drink very intense. I'm virtually Teetotal. Wine burns my throat (all wine), spirits give me an instant headache, beer sends me to sleep with a headache. I've given up.

However I find that many other women have a problem with it. A groups of mums (not my close friends) I meet up with often tell me to "have a bloody drink!", or what I need is a drink. I've seen them book mini weekends at places like Centre parcs and actually proudly photograph the amount of Prosecco they've brought - once it was about 35 bottles for 6 of them.

Wider society has a huge pressure too. I've lost count of the amount if Facebook memes, greeting cards etc that talk about "mummy drinking wine". Those adult ladybird books were out at Christmas. 'The husband' one was hilarious however 'the wife' one mainly talked about how the wife just drank wine/needed wine.

I have many people who don't care what I drink, but a few that are really bothered by it and I never understand it.

At Christmas, I like a bit of mulled cider and the odd glass of port and the comments I get just infuriate me.

I'd say it's really hard not to drink these days. Sorry your dh has had a right weekend of it.