to think there's nothing wrong with being teetotal?

[ShowOfHands]

DH and I don't drink. We're not evangelical or derisive of people who do. I just never started and DH used to as a teen but gave it up 17yrs ago.

DH is on a stag weekend right now and the majority of men there are completely indifferent with regards to who drinks what and why. A couple of them however, seemed to mishear DH when he said he was teetotal and presumably, what they heard is "I'm from Planet Zog and I will actually be dipping my tumescent cock in my beverage and sucking it up that way". You'd think so anyway from their ashen faces, incredulity and on two occasions, the downright refusal to buy him "a bloody coke" and then proceeding to plonk a pint in front of him instead.

They keep going on about how it's like having a maiden aunt along and last night one of them threatened to spike his drink.

Ironically, their insistence that DH needs "a good stuff drink inside them" (yeah I could psychoanalyse the shit out of that tbh) is 673% duller than DH not imbibing their alcoholic offerings in the first place.

On a slightly serious note - I know, it's AIBU and not home of the serious - DH is quite sensitive and I know it makes him feel like he doesn't belong. The groom and most of the other blokes don't care but I know DH and I know he'll come home and play the comments over in his head. And that's ridiculous. It's bullying.

Why does this still happen?

This pisses me off. I'm pretty much teetotal. I drink maybe once a year (and even then it's only 2-3 drinks). Having not drank since last August I went out with friends last weekend. They actually cheered when I had a had a glass of wine. I mean wtf. I'm perfectly happy with coke, squash etc. I don't need alcohol. I'd rather save the calories for food!

That isn't banter: it's bullying.

I don't drink (well, I have a half-glass of red a couple of times a year but that's it) and I've experienced this, although not in such an in-your-face way. It's as though some people feel upset or threatened by the fact that others don't want to have alcohol.

To imply that someone is less fun/interesting/whatever because they prefer juice or coffee is pretty shit. To then keep on and on at them is horrible.

I'm with your DH - I also laugh it off but actually feel a bit sensitive about some of the comments I get, even when I know people are being dicks. My actual friends would never do this.

I hate to kick off with a gender based comment, but I've almost never had to contend with this in 30 years of not drinking. That said, the sense of not fitting in is very familiar indeed, and I've been in bridal parties and other female environments where I felt completely isolated.

I have long since learned to accept that feeling as though I don't fit in is at least partly and, in my case, almost certainly wholly in my head.

Obvs, there are striking differences with your DH's situation as he is encountering a lot of crap behaviour and it would be impossible to feel comfortable with the situation he's in.

However, the solution is much the same. Just accept that you have chosen to go into a situation where you aren't necessarily going to feel at home; accept the inevitability of the situation; know that it won't last for ever; and know that you would make the same choice to go all over again given the same set of circumstances (because your friend is your friend).

Oh, and keep an eye out for the spiked drinks.

Imperfect. Yes. Sorry. Good luck to your DH

That's quite comforting isn't it? Real friends would never dream of doing it. It's been a few years since either of us has encountered this attitude. It is easier now we're older. It's galling that it's still out there though.

I've had the "drink drink drink" thing too. And the switching of my order. Hilarious isn't it?

Bollocks to it being banter. That word is used to cover up all manner of bullying.

I'm teetotal. Have been for years. People often make comments to me (including FIL )

I spend a lot of time doing the 'have you always needed booze to make yourself interesting' line, when people overstep.

I would actually be concerned about the spiking comment. I'm sure they won't do it, but the idea would be enough for me to have a chat with groom.

FWIW people seem amazed I don't want to join in the binge drinking. Even asking if I'm an alcoholic etc.

Seriously, they are a pair of twats.
My Dh gave up the drink 4 years ago, still hangs around with his old mates who drink lots. They are nothing but understanding!

He has never been ridiculed etc. Either your FH needs to tell these blokes to fuck off, get over themselves,
"Stop being such a twat" or whatever, or his mate needs to.

Oh DH is fine. He's having a good time. He's enjoying his friends' company and he'll continue to do so. I just know it'll sneak into his head on the long drive home because isn't that how it goes?

I think drinkers feel threatened by those who choose not to drink.
I rarely drink and if we're at a social event my family my mum always tries to get me to drink......even if I've got the car she'll want me to have 'just the one'.
At my cousin's wedding I ordered a glass or Prosecco and my mum was almost congratulating me, she said to my dad 'oh look Durham' s having a drink!' Like it was an achievement

Both my parents are significant drinkers, a large whisky or two every evening, I'm 45 and have never been much of a drinker, months go by without me having a drink. My 47 year old brother is an alcoholic ( seizures, liver damage, the lot) but I'm seen as being the odd one.

*DH

I think DH assumes it isn't worth it. These blokes aren't friends of his and he won't see them again after the wedding. At least 4 of the party he IS friends with and he's ignoring the token wazzocks.

DH was a groomsman a while ago and through the stag do and the wedding and a couple of other wedding events, it wasn't mentioned once. Not even in passing. Because it's utterly irrelevant. In a good way, it's a surprise to encounter such an attitude again. It's been a while. Perhaps things are better? Or is it still prevalent in younger drinkers?

I love a drink and would find someone being teetotal for no reason (e.g. health, religion etc) to be a bit weird. But I accept that is probably just me thinking that due to the culture we grow up in in this country.

If I offered someone a drink though, and they said they didn't drink at all, I would just immediately drop it. Someone who doesn't drink is hardly likely to get smashed just because someone on a stag do says they should.

The thing that I don't understand about being teetotal though is that there are a lot of different alcohols with varying flavours that are delicious in their own right. From my point of view, even if you never get drunk, there are simple pleasures in a crisp white wine with a platter of seafood on a hot day, or a warm glass of mulled cider at a Christmas market.

Durham, I'm sorry. My Dad is an alcoholic but has been sober for 15 years. My brother had a fucked up relationship with alcohol when younger but he managed to tackle it. I don't suppose the ladz with their bantz (hurt to type that btw) realise their jokes are predicated on some fucked up notions of what's normal or appropriate.

Obviouspretzel, I don't speak for all teetotal people but while you enjoy the flavours of those drinks, I don't like the taste of alcohol itself and it is all pervading. Wine to me doesn't taste of nuts or fruit or pomegranate or whatever notes it promises, it tastes of alcohol with some other flavours masked by it. And at a Christmas market I like a spiced apple drink or a fruity, cinnamon steeped drink. Just without the alcohol. There are hundreds of nice non alcoholic drinks which I like as much as you like the ones with alcohol. I'm not missing out. The notion that I might be is one that feeds the attitude DH is encountering this weekend. Does that make sense?

To answer your question, Obviouspretzel, I don't like the sensation I get when I drink alcohol - I feel foggy and unwell very quickly. I don't enjoy feeling tipsy or drunk. Nor do I like the 'undertaste' of the alcohol in a drink, which is there whether it's white wine or mulled cider.

I'm glad your DH is okay, ShowOfHands.

You said that better than me, ShowOfHands!

Nah I waffled. You were succinct.

I don't drink, I've been on various medications for years which you can't drink on and then totally lost the taste for it. I went on a hen do a couple of years ago and quietly and unobtrusively didn't drink. I spent the WHOLE weekend fending off accusations that I 'must' be pregnant and why wasn't I telling anyone. I wasn't drinking because I was on antidepressants for post natal depression and anxiety. Funnily enough another baby was the last thing on my mind. One particularly aggressive woman was absolutely horrible to me (accusing me of ruining the bride's hen do because I made her a cup of tea when the other hen thought I should have been forcing her to drink more prosecco).

I wouldn't say this was bullying I would say it was banter! Would you still call it banter if they were buying a woman a drink she didn't want, or threatening to spike a woman's drinks?

Belittling & ridiculing someone & refusing to take no for an answer (in the case of refusing to buy coke) is bullying

But of course it is his fault for daring to want to celebrate with his mates before they get married...why they hell should he have stayed at home?

I have come across this attitude..so much so that I pretended to drink alcohol when I wasn't....just had a straight coke, as I really could not be arsed to contend with the "banter".. It was easy as it was a house party, less easy when sharing rounds.

I don't drink much either, and it's not about the taste, I just don't like the effect alcohol has on me, the lightheadedness, the headache, the getting louder when I talk ugh no thanks

Your poor DH. I do drink, just not often and not to excess. Haven't been 'drunk' since my teenage years, mainly because my mother is an alcoholic and I have quite serious issues surrounding that.

I went to a friends hen party a couple of years back, and some of the women there were big drinkers. I'd had to drive as we live in the sticks and had said I'd pop in for a couple of hours, wouldn't be drinking though as I had the car. The brides sister spent hours trying to get me to drink. Insisting that I have 'just one', ordering me cocktails from the bar when I'd asked for soft drinks, making the entire time about trying to get the person not drinking to do what she wanted. I eventually got so fed up I snapped at her that I was a recovering alcoholic. I confessed about an hour later that I wasn't, but pointed out that she really ought to leave the subject in the future as she has no idea what reasons, if any, people have for doing things. She hasn't spoken to me since

In my job I'm regularly at evening events that are fully funded including all drinks. I'm also lucky to work with colleagues including people who don't drink for health reasons, religious reasons or because they are recovering alcoholics. Some people get totally smashed every time, but no-one would dream of bullying any of the non-drinkers into consuming alcohol. It's boorish, pathetic and stupid behaviour - and sad.

Ray, I rarely correct grammar on here but I can't let this one go.

You said.

"She hasn't spoken to me since "

I think you meant

"She hasn't spoken to me since "

Thank you for these replies. It's lovely to know the majority simply don't care.

Teacher, that sounds grim. You poor thing. I hope the treatments have helped?

DH and I don't drink. I had to put up with this sort of behaviour when I was young, but people mostly have got over it now. DH comes across this attitude a lot more often than I do, usually a friend of a friend who just doesn't understand it.

I don't understand attitudes to being teetotal at all; I have no interest in what anyone else is drinking, I don't know why people care what I'm drinking.

I feel for your DH and I hate the attitude to alcohol in this country. I have a drink now and then (maybe one glass for a toast or if I'm out for a fancy meal) but otherwise I don't drink. This is because I have an anxiety disorder, which I take meds for, and drinking makes me feel so, so much worse the next day.

It's probably just because I don't do it, but every night out, every get together seems centred on getting as off your face as possible (though often in a polite, twee 'mummy needs gin' way). And it's so boring. I end up just wanting to go home most of the time. I don't judge because I used to love a boozy night out but nowadays I tend to stick with friends who don't make a big deal of my not drinking.

I think it goes beyond alcohol. Some people just can't handle others making a different decision to them, and they have to get everyone over to their side to justify their own choice. Comes from some weird insecurity I guess, like what someone else's does is somehow a comment on what their doing.

I do drink, very lightly though now, and I've had inlaws sneakily topping me up when I've said no. Pressuring to keep drinking when I want to stop.

I don't generally eat desserts. Not much of a sweet tooth, fussy in a way I'm not over food generally, so I always politely decline, saying it looks good but it's just not my thing. People can't stand this, and regularly try and force me to eat meringue or trifle and go on and on like there's something wrong with me.

Same with taking medicines/painkillers I don't want.

I could go on.

Some people just never grow out of needing to exert peer pressure on others in some way. The trouble is when it happens over drink, those doing it are usually drunk and unpleasant.