To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

[Picturesofmatchstickmen]

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

I know that fear toomuch. I just couldn't do a party atm - it's a step too far. We do day trips for birthdays to theme parks.

It's really hacking me off playdates in fact currently because a few parents seem to be competing at inviting the most kids over in the class and as they're so young you have to go too/have parent back too. And just for once I'd like a few weeks of feeling relaxed in my own home rather than being out on a play date or hosting one. tbh working full time to avoid playdates and hiring a nanny is starting to look attractive

Kids less bothered when little but find ages 6 plus having pals over is really important to my two.

Is part of the worry about how reciprocal the friendship really is? We often have friends round for my DD. She dies get reciprocal invites, but not many

Sorry posted too soon. I think the lack of reciprocity is that kids are always happy to play with DD if invited, but when it comes to return invites, it is closer or more pushy friends that tend to get first dibs, if that makes sense? Dd is quiet and shy and rarely asks to go to others houses. It does make me feel sad.

I have enough on my plate with my three DC and working full time to worry about other peoples kids as well. Plus I'm not the biggest fan of children that aren't my own anyway. It's your choice to invite other people's kids around. It's kind of like buying someone a present and being gutted when they don't buy you one in return. You don't have to do play dates if you don't want to, it's not an obligation.

We are a hosting house... I'm not working outside the home, I like having kids around, we've got the space indoors and outdoors and a sociable layout. DS1 and I are extroverts - we positively like having company. My mum did loads of play dates / coffee mornings, so I grew up with socialising at home being a very normal thing to do.

My best friend, who's DC is often here and is one of DSs best buds, rarely invites anyone over - she works from home so there's stuff all over the place, her house is small, and she just doesn't like having non-family people in her personal space. Which is totally fine with me.

So YABU, you should host because you enjoy it - not because you are obliged to.

I don't do it for others people children - I do it for mine.

My DC, (especially DS) have had and continue to have as teens, a mixture of friends who invite them round and those who don't. The ones who don't tend to have much less space in their house/the parent(s) work long hours (sometimes more than one job)/there are other siblings who make it more tricky/it wasn't part of their culture/experience to have "playdates." It wasn't and isn't a problem - they are all welcome here

If you are a nice parent and don't mind other children at yours and you want your child to have fun with their friends, then invite them over. Why should the other parent feel like they have to do it for your child?

Are you watching their child as a favour to the parent, or are you doing it as a fun thing for your child?

If my DD asked to spend the night or go over to her friend's house I would not immediately think that it was my job to do it the next time.

When I was little I always had people round mine house, but actually I would have hated going to other peoples houses. My BF was at my house nearly every weekend, she didn't have much food at her house and her home life was a bit volatile, so we didn't go to hers. I had a nice house with lots of things to do and she didn't really have much at her house.

My ds is an only. I'll happily have friends round when he's old enough and I would hate it if those friends declined our invites because they couldn't reciprocate due to having more children / busier homes.

Please don't think everyone wants equal reciprocity due to this thread.

I understand the people who don't host because they can't . Because they live in a shelter or have a sick granny living with them .

I don't understand those who can but CBA. I think it's rude . Those who say they can't do Saturday's because they have to clean the house then. Well let your guest play in your kids bedroom and you clean the rest of the house. Take the child to the work and let your DP clean the house

Those who won't alter their weekend routine in the slightest for their own childs benefit . It sounds a bit selfish .

Those who say they don't enjoy having other people's kids - it's supposed to be fun for your child, not you .

If you live in a one bedroom flat and have no money , take the other child out to the park and pack a sandwich .

Most people who live in mansions with ponies will not care that your wallpaper is peeling . If they do then they are not good people and presumably you wouldn't want your child going there .

And before anyone asks, yes I have more than one child, I have lots although only three at home . yes we have a LOT of our of school activities , I have my play dates planned well in advance because we can only do certain days .

I think if it is difficult to reciprocate then a simple explanation or apology goes a long way to making it ok, or just an occasional invite back as it doesn't have to be one for one.

I don't have a problem doing it more often but an acknowledgment of this makes it ok, rather than me (and the DC) quietly resenting the unfairness.

Most people who live in mansions with ponies will not care that your wallpaper is peeling . If they do then they are not good people and presumably you wouldn't want your child going there .

I think you've misunderstood social anxiety. It's really irrelevant what the person ACTUALLY thinks about me. The fear and panic is present completely unrelated to any facts. They could reassure me all day long - it wouldn't make me feel any more at ease.

I don't mind any more. It's just how people are. DC don't expect any different.

Moms-of-girls were worse ime. Almost never invited back or only the most half-arsed effort to find a mutual date. Moms-of-boys are about 3x as likely to be very conscientious about inviting back. But not perfect either.

The worst is the false promises "Yes yes, we certainly should find a date when your Amy can come around, I'll be in touch" gushed in front of DC, and then never in touch again.

It doesn't bother me if I have one of DS's friends round and he doesn't then get invited in return! I madly enjoy having children over and I know others may not. I'm also a SAHM with school aged children so I don't have work or toddlers to contend with!!

Actually YABU. At the end of the day if you invite my child to come to yours that's a choice you made presumably for YOUR child.

The serial invitees for my two were invariably the mothers of only children and the comment on pick-up was invariably 'It's been great I've not seen them all day' so feel I'm actually doing them the favour by bringing my child round to entertain theirs. It does me no favours as quite often I've had to juggle arrangements in order to pick up and drop off my child.

To the poster who said 'You don't know their circumstances' that is so true.

I am a single parent of two children. I work shifts and quite often work unexpected extra hours. Their Dad lives in a different city so quite often has them for the whole week end. For me it is a treat to have a full day with my own children to do something ourselves. I have little quality time with my own children and I certainly don't want to have to spend that time with someone elses children. I have on the odd occasion with really good friends of the boys included their friends on a trip or day out with us that we were planning anyway.

Of course if I ever asked someone for childcare reasons I would ensure that I reciprocated (but I never have) but if someone chooses to invite my child then I assume I'm doing them the favour not the other way round.

I would say don't over think it.

If your dc are happy that's what matters (within reason).

I don't reciprocate with play dates because as a full time working single mum of three the logistics are a nightmare (and my house is always a mess). I do, however make a point of taking children with us on outings to the cinema or a picnic or to a farm etc. and that is my way of reciprocating. I know some mums have chunnered about it behind my back but it works for me and my family and all my other obligations. There is no obligation to do it the same way as everyone else, is there?

but you are doing something in return cannot that's the main thing.

Mrsdevere I think you're setting up a straw man, nobody is saying reciprocate within a week or justify yourself. But if your child has gone to another child's house sixteen times and you have never had the child back, then yes common politeness requires you to make some comment about that - not chapter and verse about your reasons! There is one delightful kid in dd1s class who has never had mine back to play. Her mum works full time and studies, and the DD is off at her dad's at weekends. Her saying 'I'm so sorry I can't reciprocate, life is a bit mad right now' is just nice, you know. It acknowledges the situation. I'll keep having her DD over as often as she likes, esp as she's a total sweetie - like her mum in fact. There is no need to be defensive when people aren't actually judging - they just want acknowledgement that social relations (in adulthood too) do tend to be reciprocal.

Incidentally I have three DC,including a toddler. I find play dates stressful and would rather not bother, but it isn't about me! I don't want other DC over to help me out, I do it because kids tend to like playing together outside school.