To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

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Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

My kids are a bit older now, but I hda 2 boys who got on famously followed by 2 girls who also get on.'Losing' a kid for a playdate, doesn't help me at all.Having an extra one also upsets the dynamic a bit, so I very rarely bother with playdates now.

I completely agree Mrsdevere. Inviting my child on a play date is not the massive favour that some people think it is. I have 2 other dc's so it's not like I can put my feet up for 2-3 hours. Most of the time I would rather just take my DC home from school and not faff around picking them up later whilst dragging other dc's along.

But of course if my DC wants to go on the play date then I will say yes as I think it's important that they have time with their friends outside of school.

I will only reciprocate if I can fit it in with everything else that is going on AND my DC wants to have the child over. But then I also don't care if people think I'm rude 😄.

And if someone needs help with childcare then I am very happy to oblige if I possiby can....

Backforgood it may have balanced out for you - but actually for others - no it doesn't .

There really is a lack of compassion and thoughtfulness on many peoples part.

That's not really fair on the child though is it?

And how is it fair on the other child whose mother is always willing to host your child but they never get an invitation back?

So you don't like to turn down an invitation because you want your child to have a nice social experience at someone else's time and expense, but you don't see why your child's friends should get to benefit from the same experience at yours?

I can't see why it bothers people. If your child has a friend whose parents don't reciprocate why make the children miss out? hmm

And that's why people get away with doing this, because most people don't want to make a child to miss out just to prove a point and are prepared to keep hosting them (to a point) regardless of a lack of reciprocation because their own child enjoys it. They don't do it because they just love having someone else's child tip the whole lego box out and refuse to eat their shepherd's pie, they do it because it's good for the social development of their child. But the by-product is that it's also good for your child, so they are doing you a favour.

As I said before, it's not about whether you hosting is doing another parent a favour by providing free childcare (although undoubtedly sometimes it is) there are times when having to drop off and pick up for playdates will often be an inconvenience rather than a help.

But that's true of taking our kids to extra curricular stuff and birthday parties or Brownies or whatever as well as playdates - we still do it. Why should your child repeatedly get to reap the benefits of someone else's generosity while their child never gets the same chance?

If you are happy to keep accepting all these invitations but never prepared to return them (unless you have a very, very good reason for example having an autistic child at home who can't cope with the change in routine, making the whole thing stressful and unpleasant for everyone, as opposed to 'I work hard all week and I really can't be bothered with having other people's kids under my feet when I'm at home) then you are teaching your child that it's perfectly okay to keep take take taking from other people who are kind enough to keep giving, and to have no conscience whatsoever about that.

I just don't like that attitude in a person.

I always tried my best to reciprocate.

However dd had a friend when she was in year five whose mum would ask dd directly to come over every week. No way could I have her child over every week. I worked full time and the kids did after school clubs. I would have her over about once a month though.

If the mother had asked me directly and not put me on the spot I would have made excuses sometimes so she couldn't go.

And, here I go again, having no clue that it was rude to not reciprocate in a certain amount of time

Ds doesn't really have play dates now, but one little boy has had him over twice in the last 6 months. I've not invited him back yet, as I just didn't think it was a big deal?

I'll have him over in the Easter holidays now I think!

I am a bit of a social phobic and I would rather have root canal work done than host a playdate. I do host them now and then because I don't want to get in the way of my kids fitting in. I kind of assumed though that for other parents, and particularly parents who do the initial invitation, that hosting was no big deal -or rather my social phobia made me feel like probably if I don't reciprocate within x days I will get judged, but then my rational brain is like "don't be silly too much, it's no big deal, normal people do this stuff because they like to." But now this thread and the talk of the importance of reciprocity and not being selfish is suggesting you all hate doing it too! It reminds me of the baby clothes thing where you get people foistim bags of gear on you about 20 minutes after you peed on the stick and then getting arsey with you the year after when they suddenly want them back for their cousin, laundered and itemised and you have to go and haul them out of the loft where you put them in the first place

Why don't you just tell other parents up front that the invitation comes with the expectation it will be reciprocated then everyone knows where they stand and what kind of person you are

I hate "tally keeping". So mean spirited. Like all these people who won't give lifts even if you are going to the same place.

toomuch why does your social phobia mean you can't have another hold in the house? It's not like it's you they are wanting to play with.

As for tally keeping and lift refusing being mean spirited, this all depends on how much a person feels they are repeatedly taken advantage of by another, doesn't it? Even the most easy going and generous of people get cheesed off if they feel they are being used for someone else's convenience or that the friendship is too one sided and someone is only interested in you when they need something.

Child not hold

I'm another social phobic - I hate hosting especially

I find it really really hard and panic I'm being judged, doesn't help that my dc has friends who are clearly vastly richer than us (pool and a pony types) and whilst parents always seem lovely I feel embarrassed in comparison with the peeling wallpaper etc state of mine when I reciprocate playdates

So I never invite and only reciprocate - and wish I could not have the stress. If anyone IRL knew this they'd likely be kind enough to say not to worry about reciprocating and be happy with a trip to the park in return - but I'm too chicken to say I hate hosting

I am truely shocked that people think it's ok to not reciprocate.
Yes I invite a child because my son wants them to come and play. But it is also very exciting to a child to be invited to their house. And if you don't get any return offers, after having had 6 people over, the child starts to wonder what they've done wrong.

And it make take a bit of time for you to arrange to reciprocate, ok no problem. But if you are one of those that just doesn't. Or doesn't realise that you have to/ should, are you serious.

But you didn't mind your child going to theirs? Really? Why did you agree fur your child to go in the first place. You managed to fit that in.
Why is this ok in any other area of life. An adult friendship where it's not balanced. One person gives and gives and offers this, and cooks meals, and is caring and phones to see .... And they get nothing back.
On every relationship thread on MN they'd be told to tell the other person to sling their hook, that they were being used.

But no. Apparently not in this scenario.

But the friendship is between the children, not between the grown ups. It's not the child's fault their mum can't/won't reciprocate. If the child is a good, kind, loyal friend to mine then what their parents can or can't do is irrelevant.

If a friend of mine started to "take advantage" I might do something about it. But it's not my friendship I'm talking about here.

Ican my social phobia doesn't mean I can't host playdates, it means I really don't like to. And in terms of the interaction, my kids are young enough that you still need to direct their play a lot and so yes I do end up having to chat to the hosted kid a lot. In any case a stranger in the house is somewhat stressful into me whether I have to make constant conversation or not. Sorry. We are all different!

I think it is a shame if people feel taken advantage of but would suggest in that case the answer would be to back off of hosting so many play dates. Maybe if the number of playdates starts to drop then other parents will step in. But equally they might be happy with a reduced number. They're hard to refuse, playdate invites, if you want your kids to be included in stuff.

Sorry, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Have you only got one child? I have 2, and because of work they go to after school club every day until 5pm. So any 'coming home for tea' things I can't reciprocate because I'm not physically there to take the other child home with us at school finish time. Weekends are busy, both mine have activities that separately take up all day, and take my DH and I coordinating who's taking who where on Saturdays. So we have no Saturday, but they are activities the children chose and enjoy and we don't begrudge losing our day. That leaves Sunday. We also like some family time, and some time to do stuff we need to do, like shopping, DIY ing, gardening. That's Sunday. I try and remember who's had my kids over and when but I can only really reciprocate on the odd Sunday or in school holidays (more likely) so I'm sure it's relatively unfair, but it's the best I can do. I may be U but I won't reciprocate to the point of changing our weekly routine to fit in having someone else's child over. If they continue to invite mine that's up to them. Of course the children will continue to want to go and as a parent I won't say no, you can't because we can't reciprocate until half term, I'll just say well yes if you're invited that's fine.

pigeon I don't know about you but I think for me also, I'm really keen that my girls are more socially confident than me and I hate the idea that my issues would end up isolating them. So I feel even more obliged to host.
My girls just got invited to a birthday party and I was like 'yay! Social success!" but realise we must now do a birthday party with kindergarten friends in return. Aargh, my worst nightmare.

Yanbu. It's basic good manners, like if someone invited me dinner, bought me a birthday present etc. It doesn't have to be one for one but if you've given several invitations and never reciprocate without good reason (eg you have chronic illness, unstable home less etc) then it's rude.

It's not really teaching good manners to children to show you can accept lots of hospitality but never need to play the host.

Totally with Icompletely. If your child frequently goes to another's house it's lame and rude not to reciprocate at all. And unkind on the child. I have very vivid memories of play dates (called going for tea in my day) and experiencing how different families were to my own. Think it's important for children's social development and merrily taking that for your own Dc whilst never giving back doesn't seem right to me.

"'s not really teaching good manners to children to show you can accept lots of hospitality but never need to play the host."

Even if it is won't not can't- why should the children suffer? There is really nothing a child can do in this situation. It's not their fault.

I never used to bother until in yr 5/6 DD started having a friend round regularly but never got invited to hers. One day I overheard DD ask why, the girl piped up with "mummy says I can come to yours but you can't come to mine"
The mother is a well known snob and quite rude. The friend never said thank you or goodbye either which I always found annoying.
I never invited her again and DD went to a different secondary so that was the end of that.

It's not rude you don't know people's situations!

Do you all have ticks on your kitchen chalk board? "No, Eva can't come to tea this week- she's been here 5 times and you've only been there once. Yes, I know she's your best friend and she really stood up for you at school and you have a fantastic time together, but no. Because her mum is taking advantage of me"

No one is suggesting cutting out child with non reciprocating parents. Just be aware that if your child is a serial attendee of play dates and you never ever return the favour it is possible host mum may not be thinking good thoughts about you.

But if they are English would be unlikely to actually say anything ..!