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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

403 replies

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 11/03/2016 19:20

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

OP posts:
CakeNinja · 11/03/2016 21:30

I can see both sides but I lean towards thinking it's quite rude.

Yes, some people are very busy and don't want to spend weekends etc entertaining other children, taking them to places etc. But then they are also more than happy to wave their DC off for other people to do just that.

Eldest dd now at senior and has had friends round most weeks for dinner and often sleepovers at the weekends. I think they are often reciprocated but at this age it wouldn't occur to me to be bothered if it wasn't, they entertain themselves now and only really need feeding or lifts.

Middle dd has quite a few reciprocal arrangements and a few others that have come here but she hasn't been invited back. I don't dwell, I know parents are busy, but it does seem a bit off to accept the invite (it's not a bundle of laughs for me, I do it for dd) and not reciprocate as they don't want their precious weekends disturbed.

Ds is at preschool, he has had a few friends round for lunch as he sees his big sisters doing this sort of thing. He hasn't been invited back, but they are still quite young so I can see that other parents don't think it's the right time.

Horses for courses I suppose. Some people are willing, others are not.

LongHairDontCare · 11/03/2016 21:37

If someone mentioned my son having a playdate in front of him, I'd find it difficult to refuse, plus I wouldn't want to make the parent think I had a problem with them!

Truthfully, I hate the thought of playdates, I am embarrassed of my house and don't want to have any other parents round.

Original poster
Picturesofmatchstickmen · 11/03/2016 21:40

Thanks for your replies, just to clarify I'm not counting what is "owed" or anything, it's just looking at this list of the girls DD wants at the party has highlighted that not just one, but a few, have never, ever invited DD anywhere. I know people have busy lives, DH and I both work full time but I guess because our kids aren't hugely into hobbies (thank god!) we do have time at weekends and both DC do love meeting up with friends. They are lovely kids and I'm happy to have them, I don't do it to get play dates for my DC.

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 11/03/2016 21:40

I think people have such busy lives these days that play dates can be difficult to arrange.

megletthesecond · 11/03/2016 21:43

Yabu. I never have.

My house is tiny, we barely fit in it. And 7yo dd would kick off, badly, if the whim took her (she smashed the third tv in a year last week). I'm fond of the dc's friends but sadly we are not equipped for visitors.

shebird · 11/03/2016 21:46

It does make it hard if You have more than one DC and if they each have a lot of extra curricular stuff. We have just one free afternoon in the week and usually this is taken up with trying to get homework done as there is little time the rest of the week. Saturdays are also taken up with coming and going and both DCs doing activities until later in the afternoon by which point we are all shattered.

lalalalyra · 11/03/2016 21:50

But then they are also more than happy to wave their DC off for other people to do just that.

That's not always the case though. When my girls were little I used to hate it when someone invited DD1 to a playdate on a weekend. I was at uni or working all week then alternate weekends at that point the girls were with their Dad. So when DD1 came home excitedly asking "Please can I go to X's house/to X place with Y on Saturday? Pleasepleaseplease?" I had the choice of either disappointing my DD or missing out on time with her. When it was especially important to her I let her go, but I wasn't happy to wave her off.

BertrandRussell · 11/03/2016 21:50

"Horses for courses I suppose. Some people are willing, others are not."

Willing is a bit simplistic.

rosy71 · 11/03/2016 21:51

Dp & I both work full-time so any after school play dates are out. Weekend mornings are busy with sports activities & we usually visit my parents on a Sunday afternoon. That leaves Saturday afternoon which is the time when we clean & tidy up! We're also exhausted by then. Time for friends to come round is virtually non-existent. I try to make up for it in school holidays but fitting it in is hard. Not everyone's situations are the same.

Ameliablue · 11/03/2016 21:57

When I do manage to organise some time and invite a friend round to play I would hate it and my children would hate it if they refused as the parents felt unable to reciprocate.

Bogeyface · 11/03/2016 21:59

We dont reciprocate but when any of the kids are invited anywhere I explain to the parents that due to the number of kids we have, I cant do playdates at home as it would be non stop. Its never been a problem, and I usually send stuff with them for the parents as a thank you.

To just not ask back is rude though.

Ditsy4 · 11/03/2016 22:00

Yes my garden was always full of kids and same with two friends but some of the others never invited my children.Especially DD. The same happy to let them play here. Don't think some could cope and at least one was too house proud. Two didn't invite her because they were snobs and as my daughter played with one of the farm workers children they wouldn't invite her. I found this out from another mum! Just let your child have them over and enjoy their company but I agree it isn't very fair when it isn't reciprocated.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 11/03/2016 22:00

When ds was younger, he had invites for play dates. Before we accepted each one, I explained to the parent who offered that I wasn't in a position to reciprocate. I explained that it was due to ex being violent and unpredictable. And a right misery...

I always offered to take their kids somewhere else instead. We often went skating or had a picnic in the Forrest.

But I was always upfront.

Flashbangandgone · 11/03/2016 22:03

yanbu. I like to reciprocate within the week if possible, or the following week - no later!

whereas I admire your desire for fairness and to reciprocate, I don't think most people expect such rapid response... In fact, it could quickly get too much... I invite your child... You invite him/her round later that week... Do I then need to invite back again within a few days to avoid being seen as rude?... And so on and so forth Confused

passmethewineplease · 11/03/2016 22:04

I see what you mean.

I am a bit guilty of this tbh. I have two DC quite close together so I'm a bit stressed most days if I'm honest. Adding more and more children to the mix just stresses me out even more. Blush

So I can see your point but sometimes it can be bloody difficult.

Pantone363 · 11/03/2016 22:09

NO

I have 4DC and two of them are constantly asked to other peoples houses. We have a busy week of after school chaos, activities and seeing their Dad. I don't need someone else's kids in the mix just because they've asked mine to their house.

They all get 2/3 mates over a term, thats enough for me

NanaNina · 11/03/2016 22:09

I grew up in the 1950s (yes I'm ancient) but life was so simple. We didn't have a car (neither did anyone I knew) no phones - we all just played outside, riding our bikes, on the local park or ball games etc. We never went in each other's houses and birthday parties were few and far between but intensely exciting!

We walked to and fro from school each day and so there was no "school gate" issue.

Play dates belonged to another planet!!

MrsDeVere · 11/03/2016 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fourarmsv2 · 11/03/2016 22:15

My DSs have loads of friends round / with us for days out. I have no problem with a house full of kids / two extras on a trip to cinema or theme park.

Sadly although DS1 gets lots of reciprocal invites DS2 never does. I don't know why. I don't think he's terribly behaved. Maybe it's because most of his friends have younger siblings.

It does upset him TBH. But he knows it's rude to ask. But we'll keep hosting - for his enjoyment.

MrsDeVere · 11/03/2016 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakeoffcake · 11/03/2016 22:19

I think you are being unreasonable.

It's very nice that you invite DC on play dates, but not all parents want to, so I'm afraid you have to just lump itGrin

My DDs had friends over at least once a week and during holidays the house was full of their friends. I never once expected the parents to reciprocate- I know some parents who just didn't like other children coming to their house or they worked filltime and wanted a break. That's fine by me, we are all different and lead different lives.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/03/2016 22:20

We tend to have a crowd around ours most weekends and don't mind that or provividing food (big pot of macroni and cheese or a KFC banquet or pizzas).

If we are going out or having a sleepover we usually have just 2 friends (due to car or bedroom space and cost) and we usually return invites to those who have reciprocated before which starts a taking turns type arrangement which is great as the dc get lots of time out with friends The ones who do not reciprocate we do invite but only occasionally.

wigglesrock · 11/03/2016 22:23

I wouldn't be a huge reciprocater, I've 3 kids - my husband works shifts - sometimes nights, days, weekends, bank holidays etc - all those times that are suggested as alternatives to after school. I take a particular friend of one of mine for the odd hour every month so her mum doesn't need childcare on that day. But it's an hour max, she comes home with us after school and her mum doesn't take the piss with it. I don't have the room in the car to add an extra body in if we're going somewhere.

Play dates as such aren't really that big a thing for my kids. They play in the street, call for each other, they play outside so no one is really in each other's house. Dd2 has her friend round the odd time, my eldest now meets her friends somewhere - shops, swimmers, cinema. I'm more than happy to do lifts if I can. My youngest (in Reception) there is no play date type thing going on, certainly none after school. She's been round maybe twice to a friends house since last September at the weekend.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/03/2016 22:25

If you're talking about something like a dinner party for adults, it's reciprocal, but here it's the children who are being invited and the adults who would invite back so reciprocity doesn't come into it. If a person who doesn't like hosting is invited as an adult they can say no, but if their child is invited it wouldn't be fair to refuse would it? It would be an unfair punishment for the child.
My parents didn't invite children over very often, mainly because they're not very domesticated, but I don't think it would have been fair to prevent me from accepting invitations. Once I was a teenager it was me who told my friends not to visit as I was ashamed of the state of the house.

FreshHorizons · 11/03/2016 22:31

It doesn't work like that!
Have children around because your child wants it- not because you expect invitations back.
Some parents work long hours, some have several children and have swimming lessons etc to fit in, some simply don't like having children around.