To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

[Picturesofmatchstickmen]

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

[sambly]

Everyone has such different circumstances, I'm not employed right now, and have one child and a car. I am happy to host more play dates. Wouldn't want anyone to feel they could only accept if they are able to reciprocate . Agree with previous response, same with lifts.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

I dont mind hosting and don't worry about return invites so it doesn't bother me. Plus I have concerns about smoking households, ponds dogs etc so prefer to host.

Parties do grate on me though, several accept all invites and never reciprocate and their invites are getting fewer I've noticed as people are obviously getting fed up of it.

[mimishimmi]

I think it's rude if the other parent has asked for the playdate (aka childcare) and does not reciprocate. If we've asked someone over though, it doesn't bother me if there is no reciprocation. People are busy.

[Happyclappy16]

I don't think this is actually about play dates - (un)fortunately my son has so far been spectacularly unpopular! - in the past I've hosted loads of parties - doesn't guarantee an invite back - just general good karma- for a myriad of reasons people don't open up their homes and won't mean to cause offense but I guess won't be seeking to live in a reciprocal community either

[Lottie4]

Personally I would always reciprocate if DD enjoyed their company. Obviously it's not practical for some parents to have other children back regularly in the day or for tea, but I've noticed those that work would often turn around and invite DD out for the day instead, possible sleepover instead. Funnily enough had to have a hospital appointment in school hols when she was younger, emailed all parents I knew to see if they could have DD and it was two who worked who were willing to move their hours around to help.

DD is older now and often brings back friends whose parents can't collect them after school or they miss school bus due to after school activity. DH works long hours so regularly has to have a lift from someone else, so I'm more grateful for this than worrying about whether it's their turn to host.

[frasersmummy]

It seems to me a lot of people on here thinking.. I'll invite xx to play that will give mum a break and then she can give me a break next week
surely the reason for inviting xx to play would be so your child and xx can spend some time playing together without strings attached
Some people with only 1 child finding having a second in the house makes life easier as they play with each other so invite others a lot
some people cant be bothered with the falling in and out that inevitably ensues and avoids inviting others like the plague .
each to their own..

[shebird]

If you invite someone's child to play after school this is because your DC want to play and spend time with this person. It is an invitation at the request of your child and not the invitee requesting to come over as free childcare.

IMO if you view inviting kids for play dates as providing free childcare for others then you shouldn't bother as you will always be resentful and keeping score.

[voluptuagoodshag]

I might be considered the SAMH with the biggish house, playroom, big garden, buckets of time on my hands but sometimes I just don't want kids round. I want my house to myself. I don't have to explain that to anyone.

This week so far I've had kids round Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday after school as well as activities so I want tonight and Friday for chilling out a bit without being responsible for extras. I'm not expecting anyone to reciprocate but I'm not going to lose sleep if they are wondering why I've not invited XX round on Friday - tough tits!

[TheFlyingFauxPas]

Ds's best friend's not local - nearby village so they can't just pop. His mum and dad work f/t I don't. Ds had been to theirs maybe twice. Friend had been to ours many times including sleepovers and days out. Ds loves spending time with him and he must be happy coming 😊 At the start his mum said she wasn't able to reciprocate and I don't mind that at all. It would have meant that if she felt obliged she would have turned down our invitations and the 2 boys would have missed out on spending all this time together. Ds had asd and doesn't have masses of friends so the friends he does have are really special to me 😊

[MattDillonsPants]

I sometimes find my heart sinking when DDs friend's parents take her out on special days out and refuse my contribution. I can't afford to reciprocate!

[Want2bSupermum]

I work Ft hours (on a PT basis but that's another thread!) and make it work. When hiring childcare it is a necessity that they are able to work with me on play dates. I'm lucky I can afford to be picky about who I hire. Not everyone can be and not everyone can host for whatever reason. I make the effort because it benefits the DC but I am still very understanding.

There is one girl in DDs class whose parents are going through a nasty divorce. She always comes to our home because they rent a unit in a building owned by an old lady who is just mean to the kids when they play. Totally fine by me that they come to us for every play date.

[BackforGood]

I have plenty of social graces thanks FloggingMolly, but just don't angst about every detail of my dcs' friends' parents' needs.
I know how it works in my neck of the woods (over a number of years - my 3 dc are all 3 school years apart and didn't all attend the same school). It doesn't work on a contract basis here.
Having a child round to play is just that. It isn't a contract. I've hosted loads of dc that haven't invited my dc to theirs much, and likewise I'm sure mine have gone to loads of other houses and we've not necessarily equalled the number of invitations to them. We're all at different places in our lives. If any of my dc have a friend they'd like to play with, then they are just invited as, and when we are able to invite people. I don't need to count back to see if their parents happen to be at a place in their lives when they can accommodate having another child back, and, quite frankly, even if they did I claim no right for that to be my child, just because I've invited them here.

[loubey68]

we have kids over and sometimes ours go on playdates to friend's houses. i work alot so during the week is out. i don't worry if they don't get invited back as that's not the reason we invite them over, plus i love having lots of kids in the house as they grow up too soon

[LieInsAreExtinct]

This frustrates me and I am sad for my son. I'm a single working parent and I have made special efforts over the years (yr 6 now) to have friends over after school, at weekends and in the holidays. This includes sleepovers, tent in the garden in summer, etc. He is rarely asked back. I think the key thing is the other mums don't work, or do part time, time self employed, flexible kind of work. They live nearer and do things in couples, and their sons do a lot of activities especially sport, out of school, often lift sharing. So different from when my daughter was primary age; there was a much more even spread of social engagements! I do feel I could actually do with a little bit of support in my situation, so can't help feeling slightly peeved sometimes, although I try not to be resentful and keep on inviting...

[JofKandJ]

We had one school mum set up a date her DC and DD1 for the same day after school at ours. She then explained why the date was going to be for at least 3 hours and implied we would be serving her DC dinner (an hour before our normal dinner time). She has since offered to reciprocate but explained her au pair would be looking after the kids as she is far too busy running all over town for her other two kids. This was a reciprocation that DW and I have rejected as it was not reciprocal.

[Floggingmolly]

I'd never come across anyone expecting it to be reciprocal. You're probably the one they're all talking about then, BackforGood...
Anyone with any social graces at all would surely have an inkling how it works?

[DancingDinosaur]

If you can't reciprocate you should be upfront about it

Thats fine, as long as the person doing the inviting explains that upon acceptance of the playdate the invited is actually entering a contract agreement where there is an obligation to return the playdate, or state reasons deemed worthy enough. Then certainly for me, I'd know which angst ridden people to avoid.

[Devora]

I may be guilty of this. I think my assumption is that when the kids are in infants, you are in effect providing childcare when you host a playdate, and that should be reciprocated. As the children get older, it's just having another kid round for tea, and I don't feel that needs to be 'paid back' in the same way.

But it's also down to this: I work FT and can't match the hospitality of the SAHMs. They've known me for several years and know this by now. Some of them do seem to offer playdates a lot less than they did - that may be an age thing, it may be because they see I don't always reciprocate (in which case fair enough). I'm always helpful when I can be with helping out with other families' childcare problems, and I do my fair share of PTA type stuff (taking annual leave in order to do so). It just is what it is. I'm probably not going to turn down invites because I might not be able to 'pay back' for a while, and if that bothers you then don't invite!

[BackforGood]

If you can't reciprocate you should be upfront about it

The trouble with that statement is that it implies there is an obligation in the first place. Not my experience at all (I also have 3 dc). I'd never come across anyone expecting it to be reciprocal until I came across the first thread on MN about it.

[Want2bSupermum]

If you can't reciprocate you should be upfront about it. I am going to have 3 kids to run around after with playdates. As far as I am concerned that means my childcare during the week has to be playdate friendly (i.e. afterschool nanny needs to be on board with other kids coming over for play dates plus mine going out for playdates). I am working so can't be taking the kids. I do try however to set it up so if I have one kid scheduled to arrive on a playdate I have the other one at someone elses house for a playdate so the nanny doesn't have an extra child or two. That isn't fair.

It is rather too much to expect parents to pay for things. Not all parents have the money to do so. My kids are still small and are perfectly happy running around a playground or the back yard. If it is raining we make our own fun. Something as simple as making or decorating cakes makes our home loads of fun for playdates. Dead easy to do the decorating cakes too. (white premade icing with food colouring and sprinkles!) I am also not opposed to living with glitter. DH hates me for it but you only live once and both of my kids (DS and DD) love art projects with the stuff.

[Blueflowers2011]

Sorry, but I don't get this 'expectation' that it needs to be reciprocated. Yes of course in an ideal world I will host children's friends where possible. But, as others have said, working full time. having 2 children with totally different groups of friends, having lots of close family that we see at weekends. chores and generally spending the time we do have together as a family as quality time, then it will have to wait.

I would never decline somebody's invitation and we have gone to a few play dates over the last few months but still have not managed to host anything back here, I do explain to other mums the situation.

Does that make me a bad person just because we lead a very busy lifestyle like most other working parents? I expect people to invite us over because they generally like the children/us otherwise I don't see the point.

I would not expect anyone to reciprocate if they come round to mine whatsoever, I do it because both DS want to see their friends and play, I am very happy to host whenever I can and if I was not invited back ever it would not bother me in slightest, I would feel I am actually helping busy parents for whatever reason out. Surely life is too short to hold these silly grudges?

[Thingiebob]

Sorry I meant Tallblue. Actually there very definitely are parents who 'keep score' and obsess over their kids social lives :( I'm afraid I am completely inadequate to them as I don't have a big car, or a large garden or a 'playroom'. And yes, these things do matter to people who also 'matter.

[Thingiebob]

What Shebird and Tailgate said tbh.

[gandalf456]

A den in the coal cellar? Sheer luxury. ..