To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

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Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

I agree zoe. Most people are perfectly capable of understanding that some people's busy schedules or personal circumstances make it trickier for them to reciprocate and they will probably have perfectly realistic expectations about that. They don't invite a child purely with the expectation that they will automatically be invited back, it doesn't work like that.

That's not to say it wouldn't be appreciated or seen as the decent thing to do once in a while to redress the balance a bit, assuming you are actually able to do it. And if you aren't able then just say so, simply and without going into too much detail. Chances are they probably already realise this and will hold it against you or your child.

It's not really about being happy to accept either - I'd really rather decline - but I have no "good reason" to decline other than admitting to social anxiety and I'd rather not discuss my MH with other parents. I do my best to hide it and not allow it to affect my DS. And Im proud that I mostly succeed as he's popular and confident, so gets invited more often than some kids do. It doesn't mean I'm not really uncomfortable and while I have a smile on and arrange a date that I'm not thinking please pick on someone else

I'm really surprised that some posters actually think parents should turn down playdates on behalf of their child if they aren't in a position to reciprocate I can see why some people might feel irritated by this but I don't understand the instinct to punish the child for a perceived shortcoming on the part of the parents.

There are so many reasons why some families might struggle to facilitate play dates..off the top of my head, long/antisocial working hours, siblings with SN who can't stand the extra noise/change of routine, caring for elderly grandparents, lack of space or feeling ashamed of their home environment, parental health issues/hidden disability etc. Of course some may just be lazy, oblivious or disorganised but you just never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Some parents may not want to explain their personal circumstances so I wouldn't risk embarassing someone in the playground by "confronting" them about their failure to reciprocate as has been suggested here.

york I think it's been made very clear several times that no-one is saying you should only ever accept if you know you can reciprocate immediately. But if you are repeatedly accepting and making no effort to reciprocate at all, or to even acknowledge that you are aware you haven't yet had 'a turn' and will try to at some unspecified later date, or to explain politely that it isn't possible to right now/ever then people will, after a while, start to assume that you are rude or weird or entitled or that you probably don't like their child or that you are just using them to keep your child entertained and out of your hair.

Whether that is true or not, that is how it will eventually start to look. And people keep saying it's an inconvenience to have to take their kids to play dates, well don't take them then! If it's an inconvenience to have other kids at your house you clearly have no issue with saying no to your child over that, so if it's an inconvenience to take your child elsewhere then just say no to that too!

And even very children do sense when they are getting the thin end of the wedge with things like this, in the same way that adults do with adult friendships where the hospitality has always been very one sided. They are not stupid. Eventually they might start to hold it against your child and move on to someone else where they feel more appreciated.

OK fine mrsdevere, some people are bonkers, you'll find them on every thread. I've never reciprocated a play date within a week. But are you really suggesting that you'd be happy having another child over 15+ times in a row without the other parent so much as acknowledging, and yes, perhaps even apologising for the fact that they haven't been able to return the favour? I'd think somebody really quite odd if they found such a small courtesy impossible to manage. Like I said, I'm not suggesting chapter and verse about your home circumstances, but how hard is it to acknowledge the imbalance?! Its hardly laying out your innermost secrets to say 'I'm so sorry what with the other kids/husband's shift patterns/tiny house/mad schedule I can't reciprocate right now, little Jimmy does really have a fantastic time with you all though.'

Apart from when my children were toddlers and I invited over my friends and their children because I wanted to spend time with my friends, I have never instigated a playdate with a child that I want my child to play with.

If we ever invited someone home for tea or over for a day in the holidays it was always because my child had chosen them and asked me to ask their mum. I didn't manufacture anything, my children did.

And it may not pass a strict grammar test, but I'd say arguing against the most extreme position on a thread while ignoring the questions and points put by several dozen more moderate posters is indeed setting up a bit of a straw man.

But isn't that the whole point, MrsD? That the people who apparently "don't like play dates" like them perfectly well when it's their kids going to someone else's house; they only develop an aversion to them when it comes to reciprocating.
It's perfectly fine to opt out altogether, but not use other people for free childcare and then announce that you'd rather not return the favour.

Now you're being weird mrsdevere. I hate playdates. They aren't manufactured, they are just inviting your kids friends round to play. Talk about snippy! And frankly yep, I do find playing with my kids a bit of a chore sometimes. That's why I had more than one, so they play with each other. Adding an extra one into the mix is not my idea of fun, but alas, it is theirs.

This thread is embarrassingly stereo-typically MN.

Well only if you think that having basic manners, common courtesy and a handle on accepted social mores is an exclusively middle class trait.

It does appear surprisingly common.

That's not to say it wouldn't be appreciated or seen as the decent thing to do once in a while to redress the balance a bit, assuming you are actually able to do it. And if you aren't able then just say so, simply and without going into too much detail. Chances are they probably already realise this and will hold it against you or your child.

Sorry, just realised I should have typed will not hold it against your child.

I am guilty of this. I'm a single parent who works full time and my weekends are taken up with babysitting my nieces. I simply don't have time to reciprocate.

When my dd was younger I quite often had my dd's friends over while their mums worked. I didn't mind as I understood time can be limited

Most social interaction does, actually. Would you go to dinner (or coffee, even) at a couple of your friends houses, knowing in advance that you out of all the group had no intention of taking your turn?

I can't invite children over after school (I refuse to use 'playdate') because there are seven of us living in a tiny 2-bed flat, 4 adults, 3 kids. Me and my kids are homeless and living with my parents and my younger brother. The four of us share a bedroom.

DS2 went to his friends house after school recently. And DS1, being 11, is in and out of his friends houses all the time at weekends and during holidays. He gets asked to stay over or stay for tea. DD is 14 and goes for tea at her friends house twice a week, before various out of school activities. She also goes for sleepovers.

Have some of you any fucking idea how mortifying it is having to say to people that you're homeless? That you can't have friends over because it's not your home, there's nowhere to play, there simply isn't room?

Does this mean, because of circumstances way beyond my control, that my children have to start explaining their situation to everyone they meet if they asked to stay for tea?

'Reciprocate within a week'. Fuck off. I never, ever invited children over to play because it would be handy to offload my own a week later. I did it to make my children happy. Anyone saying you should 'reciprocate' out of politeness is doing it for all the wrong reasons in the first place.

Molly- it's the child's friendships we're talking about. Children can't do anything about their parents. The child might be repaying a plate of fish fingers 10 times over in supportive loyal friendship.

no-one owes anyone an explanation if playdates can't or won't be reciprocated

however as someone who invites a lot, its reassuring to be told "it's unfortunately we're not able to invite your DC around at the moment (no reason needed), but Little Johnny does love coming to yours"

otherwise I worry that the friendship is one-sided on my DC's part, and that the parent is only accepting out of politeness.