To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

[Picturesofmatchstickmen]

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

[Icompletelyunderstand]

My god!! YASBUN. maybe they have other plans at the weekend. Maybe they work all work and can't have kids after school. Maybe they only have 1 quiet day a week and don't want to look after other people's children! Do you only have kids over to get invites for your own kids?! When mine were little and I worked full time the last thing I wanted was other children to mind on my days off. School holidays were ok as I had time off but term time was really difficult. And if you don't get to do school pick you really get left out of the loop.

GlamourousGranny42 Having a child over to play is not 'minding' someone else's child for them though, is it? All of your points about why you didn't want other people's kids at your house are valid enough, but I do hope you didn't accept all invitations on behalf of your children without ever having the good grace to reciprocate.

I think if you aren't ever prepared to host playdates you shouldn't accept invitations for them either. It seems churlish and a bit grabby to accept them all the time but never reciprocate. Whether or not it feels like a few hours free child care is not the point. Someone has done a nice thing for your child so you should do a nice thing back for theirs.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I think if you aren't ever prepared to host playdates you shouldn't accept invitations for them either."

That's not really fair on the child though is it?

[FreshHorizons]

I can't see why it bothers people. If your child has a friend whose parents don't reciprocate why make the children miss out?

[Ditsy4]

I think a lot of people are missing the point. It is a shame for the OP child! Children like to be asked to their friend's house too. If it is one sided OP's child would wonder why she never gets invited back.

[BumpTheElephant]

Yabu. If I invite kids over it's because my children want to spend time with them, neither me nor my children care if they get an invitation back or not. It's not something I've even thought about to be honest!
Some people don't want to spend their evenings looking after someone else's child and that's absolutely fine! Other parents are just too busy.

[arethereanyleftatall]

That's so true ditsy.
Dd often has a particular friend over, the parents have never reciprocated, and dd is gutted - she wants to see her friends toys, her bedroom, her garden. To play with her friends toys for a change, some different toys, rather than her own.

And I disagree mrs dv. I love it when my dc go on play dates, its a rare chance for some 121 time with my other dc. The ten minute pick up time is worth it.

[DontCallMeBaby]

I think YABU to look at any one family and have a problem with them not reciprocating, but YANBU just to wonder how come no one does. There are any number of reasons for the former, as this thread shows, but the latter is at least bad luck.

What can happen ... DD is in Yr 7. Forging new friendships, and maintaining a couple of old ones. She's been to one old friend's house a few times. Friend hasn't been here. Likewise one of her new friends. Another new friend comes here after school every Tuesday to 'work out' , one was here all day a few weeks back, one's been here after school and is coming for a sleepover tomorrow. None of these kids has (yet) had DD over to their place. It feels fairly even, but the visits aren't reciprocal, there are visitors and hosts. Okay for us, but it's possible the hosts in this setup are ALWAYS the hosts, and feeling hard done-by.

[IdaJones]

Exactly arethereany. Even if someone could reciprocate once a year. To the park if a house invite is really not possible, at least it would show some willingness to give back rather than take take take all the time.

[abouttime1]

I do agree it seems only right to reciprocate ...however as some have said there may be underlying reasons for one or two atleast (of course some parents might just be being lazy)

In my case when I was in school I never invited other children back to my house...my dad is a functioning alcoholic at best he would be embarrassing..repeating himself and slurring etc at worst shouty and paranoid. Our house was always very messy as well..my parents both worked long and awkward hours at the time due to having no choice in order to keep our heads above water so they never tidied / cleaned or taught us to and although I was used to it myself having been to other friends houses I could see it wasn't 'normal'

One of my friends who I'm still best friends with now and her wonderful family thankfully never took it personally and eventually I was able to open up to said friend and explain why to her...it was lovely to go to their peaceful haven for me as a child.

You may also be a peaceful haven for one of these children

[elvisthehamster]

I am maybe sometimes guilty of this - I have 3 children -it is tricky for me to reciprocate straight away as try and take it in turns for them to have a play date -plus between part time working days and some of the kids activities I some weeks have only day that I can do play dates/appointments etc so it may be that it takes me a while to have your dc round. It is no reflection on them or you though.
I also work on A saturday so can't do play dates then (and anyway the children have football and dancing)-also we have 3 children so no extra space in the car for taking someone else out somewhere with us at the weekend.

I am better with being able to fit in my nursery age child's playdates and often help out the other parents by dropping/picking up their child if they have something on and are running late or need a help.

I also find that if we have days off from school that a few of my friends see these as days to fill with keeping the children busy so may invite my children round to play or do an activity with them....if my children have a couple of days off school I think yay-a day off from the usual routine, lets get up late, watch dvd's and have a nice family afternoon, I don't necessarily want to fill those days with playdates.

I do try and make sure If my dc's get a second invite though that I say oh sorry it is our turn to host a play , why don't you come to ours instead...but I probably don't initiate it immediately or do it as quick as maybe some people would like. I really don't mean harm by it though.

[Verbena37]

I'm not keen on weekend play dates because we see so little of DH during the week and our kids have a couple of weekend clubs they do.

Yes, I try to always reciprocate meet ups (too old to call them play dates now apparently) but I will just have them over here most of the time.....not always trips out etc.

[SoThatHappened]

At 9 years old I would have been too embarrassed to have friends to play. I cant remember if I was in the shelter from Gingerbread at the that point or in the freezing cold dirty flat with no floor boards. We wouldnt have been able to cook them anything.

Food for thought?

[elvisthehamster]

Oh and also agree with the poster that said that it isn't always a great favour someone else having your children, as in they are minding them for you to give you time off-It isn't for you -it is for your children to get together and play.
We only have one car which DH will have at work ,that isn't your problem so I wouldn't expect you to give dc a lift home. Therefor I will be walking to pick up ,maybe a fair bit depending on how far away from us you stay , potentially in bad weather and with a smaller child in tow ...probably at their tea time too! Of course I will do this for my children as I do think their social lives are important and we appreciate the invite but it isn't a chance for me to put my feet up and a massive childcare favour!

[Peanuts2000]

I can understand this, DD8 gets invited to her friends and her friends have been in our house but DSs friend has been in our house many times playing but never gets asked to his house. I think it's because their are 5 of them in a small flat so isn't much space which obviously wouldn't bother us but must bother them. They have taken DS to the cinema though which was nice.

[Peanuts2000]

"There" not their!

[Obs2016]

Yes. They should. Many don't. I don't give to receive, but with play dates when you offer, they don't need to accept, do they?

[Picturesofmatchstickmen]

about thanks for telling your story, it really made me think. Because you get to know the mums, you form a picture of how the home would be and the picture may not always be right

Really interesting to hear all the different points of view, still undecided about whether iabu or not!

[TheFlyingFauxPas]

Ds is an only so loves having company. When we've invited friends I've often found myself saying that while ds would love to come to yours sometime don't feel you can't accept our invitations cuz you can't easily reciprocate. They often work a lot etc and I don't I'd rather have them here several times than ds not see them. A lot of his friends have siblings. Don't think parents without singles realise what it means to have someone for your child to play with.

[CockwombleJeff]

Just to say thankyou to OP for starting this thread .💐

This is something that has been happening for years for my DD.

Summer holidays are so stressful for me as all the kids from our rd end up in our garden, wanting to be fed, watered , patched up with plasters etc etc.

My DC rarely get invited back.

For weekends and holidays I get treated like a charity childminder whilst other parents get respite from their kids.

I work in a really stressful job and find it upsetting that they don't have any respect for my time.

My DC are so kind and gentle and it really hurts me that the kids on our rd come round to play .... But that my DC don't get invited back when they all go to the park, or get invited to each other's for BBQs. 🙁

[messystressy]

We get invited to mass playdates (like 6+ extra people, including parents as children don't want to be left alone yet). I have a flat the size of a postage stamp. Even just inviting one child, their parent and siblings is a stretch too far - we are jam packed as it is and the children wouldn't have room to play. I feel awfully guilty about it. I normally use "my turn" to suggest picnics or playground outings.

[BackforGood]

It seems churlish and a bit grabby to accept them all the time but never reciprocate

What rubbish. Haven't you read what so many people have posted? You seem to be implying that you are somehow doing the parents a favour by having their dc round at your house for a couple of hours. No. You are doing something that your child wants - inviting their friend to play with them. To me, that is a completely different scenario from helping another parent out by minding their child for a bit because they have to be somewhere else.

My dc are all way past this stage, but I can tell you over the years it all balances out - I've had my dc go to the homes of friends that have rarely spent time here, but equally, I've had friends of dc who have spent a LOT of time here and my dc haven't been to their's. At no point did I ever think the dc virtually lodging at ours wasn't welcome because my dc didn't go there, I just felt pleased my ds had such a lovely friend and that he was comfortable here with us. I remember over about 3 years my dd went to loads of sleepovers at her one friend's house (she was an only child). We just couldn't practically do sleepovers except perhaps for a birthday, and the friends family loved having my dd over. Just like us with my ds's friend above, never an issue, nobody ever resented anyone or thought they were owed anything.
Some people just have a strange way of going through life IMVHO.

[loubielou2]

I am a SAHM and am happy to do most of the playdates as alot of my DD's (10) friends' mums work FT. I understand that these mums find it harder to set stuff up. The playdates usually come from the SAHMs to be honest. My DD doesnt mind where she plays with her friends,home or away, and now it doesn't bother me (they're. happy and occupied) but it used to bug me that I did all the work. I'm afraid I'm not scared to be a little forward and have asked a few times if my child "could possibly come for a play" and it's always greeted with a cheerful "yes of course!". What you could try doing is saying to the Mums is "Hi, do you fancy organising a playdate swap?". That sometimes does the trick and often focuses people on some dates. Or just do as I do and ask outright!

[BloodyDogHairs]

My DS is past the age of having friends over to play but he does have sleepovers at his friends house quite often, I can't return the sleepovers as I have a large dog that hates strangers so it's not worth the hassle. I do however always offer to play taxi for the days out in return.