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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Thinking that Sil is taking advantage and kind of lazy

180 replies

KathrynL · 11/03/2016 17:14

I know that this technically doesn't affect me as such but I'm a concerned observer as is my dh and I don't know how much longer either of us can just sit back and say nothing, but anyway I'll get to it.

My dh has a younger sister and a younger brother. His younger sister (not that much younger we are all in our 30's) has three children, all primary school age. The jist of it is that my SiL (imo) is taking advantage of my dh's parents and their brother. She is a single parent, but at the same time not completely helpless and despite the fact she doesn't work and never has she depends on my inlaws for practically everything. My MiL and FiL both turned 70 last year, so are retired and have time on their hands and they love their grandchildren including mine and dh's kids and they'll happily help out if any of us need it but I think my SiL is taking the piss.

She lives literally a five minute walk away from her kids primary school yet she never takes them herself. My MiL has a key and turns up at 8am every weekday morning to sort the kids out (they're 10, 7 and 6) whilst my SiL lays in bed. She takes them to school and then picks them up every day too whilst my SiL is either still laying in bed or out with friends shopping or having drinks in the pub. She expects my inlaws to mind her kids whenever she wants to go anywhere and if she "can't be bothered" to take them to doctors/dentist/opticians etc than my inlaws will take them. Like I said they aren't exactly spring chickens and both me and my dh are seeing first hand the strain it is on them keep running around like this.

My SiL doesn't drive so she uses both my MiL and FiL as her own personal taxi service. Every school holidays she just assumes they will mind the kids why she goes out and if on the rare occasion they refuse to have them then my SiL goes mad. She also is constantly asking them to borrow her money even though she knows they only have their pensions to live on and again if they refuse she takes a strop. My dh's brother is currently at uni but has a lot of time off in between so my SiL has him running round doing jobs for her ie the food shop, taking her kids to the park, paying money into the bank, etc etc and I don't think it's very fair.

Now I know what you're thinking. It's up to my dh's family if they chose to do these things for SiL but I genuinely think they are too soft and maybe even little scared of saying no, as trust me it doesn't happen often. I just can't help but think that my SiL is lazy and should be doing these things herself instead of relying on other people and to be honest I'm sick of having the single parent card thrown at me. I have single parent family members and friends and none of them are like this, they are strong independent women and manage fine with just occasional help. My dh has tried to speak to his parents before about this matter but his mum just shrugs it off and says she doesnt mind helping and his dad just days that it's a struggle for SiL and we wouldn't know because their are two of us to parent our kids. Yeah the difference is though we both work (and I study) plus raise three children but we pay to have people look after our kids (nursery, after school club) we don't expect our parents to commit to long term childcare. So Aibu do you think to feel this way? I personally don't think I am as I hate to see people being taken advantage of but I just wanted to get other perspective.

OP posts:
AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 12/03/2016 19:32

Mumsnet is tip top full of people who spend their time judging other posters for being 'judgy' and completely missing the irony OP, so don't worry about that OP Grin

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 19:33

Well maybe I need to do the same then. It's just so hard because she obviously judges me and dh too when truthfully we are just trying to get though each day the best we can whilst juggling an autistic child and all the issues that brings, I do think she has a bit of a cheek considering the way she lives her own life.

OP posts:
almondpudding · 12/03/2016 19:33

What have the grandparents actually said that makes you think:

a. they want to reduce what they do.
b. they feel unable to say stuff themselves.

They are at the root of this issue, and it is only by working out their motivation that this situation can be understood or changed.

Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 19:35

I added a caveat Phequer.

curren · 12/03/2016 19:36

My sil judges me.

She told me she 'hates' working mums, thinks they are 'evil'. I am a working mum.

She thinks we have an easy life. Always moaning about hard she has it. She has no idea of the health complications and problems we have had.

I just have got past the point of caring. I am not going to let it cause a family rift.

phequer · 12/03/2016 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuzz01 · 12/03/2016 19:40

I agree you have no place to comment or past judgement what goes on in your PIL and their DD is between them its THEIR relationship. Have an opinion but you have no right to express it. I haven't agreed with certain things my db and his now ex have done inregards to my parents but its between them.

Just like when my DF offered to take DS to school when i had my baby or my DM taking me to hospital appointments. It is nothing to do with my siblings and certainly not their wives!

Family help each other. Your far to invested in this. Your family situation is irrevelant to the situation. They may have a closer relationship to their DD than to your DH. Why not ask for help from your own parents? You do sound bitter

InionEile · 12/03/2016 19:42

Barring any health or hidden issues, she sounds pathetic, OP. I don't think you are jealous, just annoyed because presumably you have to hear about her all the time from PILS. If you didn't live close by, you would notice less and get on with your own life.

I would be annoyed too seeing someone who is a grown adult abdicating all responsibility for her own children like your SIL does. Why have 3 children if you just treat them like a burden to be dumped on your own parents as much as you can?

Equally I can see how the situation started. She had the first child, PILS felt sorry for her and helped out as much they could, all hands on deck style. Then she had the second and they were just in the habit of helping and she just assumed they would always do so - and promptly had kid no. 3. So now your PILS are overwhelmed but trying to keep up with the DC's needs because they don't want to see their grandchildren neglected.

You can only hope that when the time comes and your PILS get sick or frail, she will return the favor and help them out. I have a funny feeling she won't though...Hmm

phequer · 12/03/2016 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KoalaDownUnder · 12/03/2016 19:46

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread.

I don't think you're being jealous or bitter at all. Extended family is just that: family. It's normal to be concerned.

YANBU!

Janecc · 12/03/2016 19:55

Whatever the reason for this lady not taking care of her children, thank goodness she has extended family to pick up the pieces. Yes, the gp's may not be there forever but at least the children will have received normalcy from someone.
As for the reasons, she doesn't sound depressed because she's out and about so she's possibly suffering in some way, or there is an underlying problem - she could just be bone idle but we don't know.
As a family, it is your concern, you are an aunt to these children and they are your pil. Families should stick together. How your sil chooses to live her life is her choice, however, you are entitled to show care and concern. And ensure the children are safe.
Critising and judging won't get anyone anywhere. I imagine you didn't appreciate a bunch of strangers criticising you. It would be 10 times worse if your own brother did the same thing. I don't know what happened between your hubby and sil but if you are all getting cross, this won't solve anything. You don't sound jealous - more concerned for you pils. I would also be worried about the children and using this angle in a non judgemental way if you want to discuss it with the pils would probably be the most helpful. Even offering to help out with the children yourself may bring some kind of clarity as to what is going on. Perhaps then you would be in a position to influence situation. Yes, perhaps you shouldn't have to help out and maybe you can't. But the reality of the situation is that this lady isn't coping for reasons unknown.

Whendoigetadayoff · 12/03/2016 20:04

Maybe your PIL realise without them the kids won't be properly looked after so they make sure they get kids to school and look after them.

mmmm67 · 12/03/2016 20:16

I completely understand where you are coming from.

I find grown ups who abdicate responsibility extremely annoying, and I am jealous of anyone who has parents doing everything for them because my Mum has dementia and it is the other way round.

(And I actually find being a single parent easier than being in an unhappy relationship)

mmmm67 · 12/03/2016 20:18

And I think as an inlaw you are allowed to become involved with your partner's family. Especially if you see them regularly and live close by. Being a daughter doesn't give you some kind of divine right.

wannabestressfree · 13/03/2016 09:32

I think you have been given a really hard time on here.... and that's from a single parent of three. Maybe now your husband has spoken to her it might make her think. You never know.
Families are all different though. I know some people who have ridiculous amounts of help but I realise that's in my opinion. I used to go with my brother every weekend to my nans (she died last year aged 92) and we had an amazing bond..
It's really up to them to say no more. Because they could have a holiday or something and then she would have to step up. Perhaps it's a confidence thing....

BrieAndChilli · 13/03/2016 09:41

I think you have to stop looking at it as your PIL helping her out and more that they are eloping the children
Eg she probably wouldn't get up on time to get them to school or send them without breakfast so it would be the children who are affected most of the PIL didn't help

It is slightly enabling when people help out like this but you have to think that it's not the children's fault and 2 loving grandparents is the best thing in their lives.

curren · 13/03/2016 10:09

And I think as an inlaw you are allowed to become involved with your partner's family. Especially if you see them regularly and live close by. Being a daughter doesn't give you some kind of divine right.

Really? So if a mil interferes in her sons marriage that's ok?

likeaboss · 13/03/2016 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 13/03/2016 10:39

phequer - why did you make that pointless comment? Would you be trying to draw attention to yourself again?

sofato5miles · 13/03/2016 11:15

YANBU . One of the biggest motivators in behaving properly is fear of being judged unfavourably by our peers. but most PP on here seem to live isolated entirely from other people

theclick · 13/03/2016 11:32

Hmm, I have seen a similar situation. The MIL in My situ does complain about how
Much she has to do for her daughter's kids. Again, they never get dropped or picked up by their own mum. It's just a fact that some parents will lean on the GP's way too much. Sorry for your situation - I know it must be frustrating.

quencher · 13/03/2016 13:01

This thread is the perfect example of how people project what is going on in their life to someone else's. Seeing themselves in the situation and assuming they are the ones being criticised. Gosh! It's the sil, different life and scenario.

Op, your description of sil sounds like she might have depression. Every time you post about her, it comes a cross as someone who needs help. Not with the children but her mental health because that is what depression is.

I also don't think you sound jealous, however, if the parents in law are willing to put up with her like that then it is their business. For someone who has never worked in her life and has had free childcare, I don't think they will start working anytime soon unless it will benefit them in away that is better than what they have now.

People on Mn need to stop projecting.

Timri · 13/03/2016 22:51

So when my SiL doesn't face any of the issues we do, she doesn't work, yet demands 24:7 support just so that she can laze around all day then I can't help but feel upset
I'm sorry but this has nothing^ to do with your pils.
This is the VERY definition of jealously.
' Resentment of someone for their achievements, possessions or perceived advantages '

Timri · 13/03/2016 22:53

Jealousy does not require a desire to 'switch places'
That's envy, isn't it?
This is jealousy, different kettle of fish, a much more damaging emotion

Timri · 13/03/2016 23:05

Also, please tell me this
I agree with a PP, some people are REALLY projecting on this thread and this How long before they slip into debt? Have to sell the house? was sarcasm, likeaboss ?

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