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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Thinking that Sil is taking advantage and kind of lazy

180 replies

KathrynL · 11/03/2016 17:14

I know that this technically doesn't affect me as such but I'm a concerned observer as is my dh and I don't know how much longer either of us can just sit back and say nothing, but anyway I'll get to it.

My dh has a younger sister and a younger brother. His younger sister (not that much younger we are all in our 30's) has three children, all primary school age. The jist of it is that my SiL (imo) is taking advantage of my dh's parents and their brother. She is a single parent, but at the same time not completely helpless and despite the fact she doesn't work and never has she depends on my inlaws for practically everything. My MiL and FiL both turned 70 last year, so are retired and have time on their hands and they love their grandchildren including mine and dh's kids and they'll happily help out if any of us need it but I think my SiL is taking the piss.

She lives literally a five minute walk away from her kids primary school yet she never takes them herself. My MiL has a key and turns up at 8am every weekday morning to sort the kids out (they're 10, 7 and 6) whilst my SiL lays in bed. She takes them to school and then picks them up every day too whilst my SiL is either still laying in bed or out with friends shopping or having drinks in the pub. She expects my inlaws to mind her kids whenever she wants to go anywhere and if she "can't be bothered" to take them to doctors/dentist/opticians etc than my inlaws will take them. Like I said they aren't exactly spring chickens and both me and my dh are seeing first hand the strain it is on them keep running around like this.

My SiL doesn't drive so she uses both my MiL and FiL as her own personal taxi service. Every school holidays she just assumes they will mind the kids why she goes out and if on the rare occasion they refuse to have them then my SiL goes mad. She also is constantly asking them to borrow her money even though she knows they only have their pensions to live on and again if they refuse she takes a strop. My dh's brother is currently at uni but has a lot of time off in between so my SiL has him running round doing jobs for her ie the food shop, taking her kids to the park, paying money into the bank, etc etc and I don't think it's very fair.

Now I know what you're thinking. It's up to my dh's family if they chose to do these things for SiL but I genuinely think they are too soft and maybe even little scared of saying no, as trust me it doesn't happen often. I just can't help but think that my SiL is lazy and should be doing these things herself instead of relying on other people and to be honest I'm sick of having the single parent card thrown at me. I have single parent family members and friends and none of them are like this, they are strong independent women and manage fine with just occasional help. My dh has tried to speak to his parents before about this matter but his mum just shrugs it off and says she doesnt mind helping and his dad just days that it's a struggle for SiL and we wouldn't know because their are two of us to parent our kids. Yeah the difference is though we both work (and I study) plus raise three children but we pay to have people look after our kids (nursery, after school club) we don't expect our parents to commit to long term childcare. So Aibu do you think to feel this way? I personally don't think I am as I hate to see people being taken advantage of but I just wanted to get other perspective.

OP posts:
phequer · 12/03/2016 18:40

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LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/03/2016 18:40

Martyrdom doesn't become you OP.

Neither does the constant slamming of your SIL. She 'demands', does she? At no point have your in-laws offered to help their own daughter and their grandchildren?

My parents help me with childcare when I need it. They offered. It was one of the things that made a move so much easier for us when my relationship ended, knowing that I'd be able to go back to work because my family would be there to help.

Because that'she what family do, they help one another. Just because your SIL gets that help but you chose not to, doesn't make you better than her.

You need to butt out. She is their daughter, you're just the daughter-in-law. You could find yourself becoming estranged if you're not careful.

cannotlogin · 12/03/2016 18:41

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curren · 12/03/2016 18:43

what on earth do you mean by that?

It's in response to where the OP said

Yes, I've been told that I'm in no position to say anything but that my dh is as he's "proper" family,

is that OK with you, cannot?

ivykaty44 · 12/03/2016 18:45

The PIL are enablers, they choose to do the school run, choose to be a taxi service and whatever else - no one is making them.

Tbh the dc if they are 5 minutes from the school could be getting themselves to school, no need for anyone to take them there.

WicksEnd · 12/03/2016 18:52

In what world is it acceptable for the GP's in their 70's to do all that running about while she languishes in bed all day?
What a princess!
OP yadnbu. It will damage the kids relationship with her in the end. They'll wonder why she was never there for them.

Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 18:54

Op, back away now.
This is not going to end well and I am sorry that you are getting flamed (bitchy for stating a fact?!).
Just hide thread and move onSmile

Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 18:56

Exactly! Who here has "bring up grandchildren" as part of their plan for retirement?!

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 18:56

I'm not being a bitch. I was asked about situation with my SiL's kids father's so I told you and how am I playing the martyr exactly? I get on with life the best I can, I do right by my kids and I work to give us an I come so that we can live and selfishly to give myself some "me" time how is that being a martyr?

OP posts:
chachaboom · 12/03/2016 19:00

Crikey this has kicked off. I just wanted to ask if SIL's name is Denise Royle Wink.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/03/2016 19:01

The martyrdom comment was because of you choosing not to ask for help when you needed it while at the same time lambasting your SIL for taking offered help.

Just keep your nose out. It's not your problem, especially as your PIL's aren't bothered by it.

hownottofuckup · 12/03/2016 19:01

You haven't said that PIL's mind the situation though, the only thing you've mentioned is that when asked they shrug it off.
If they are happy to help out (and some GP's really are very happy to) then that's up to them. They are adults, even in their 70's it's still entirely up to them how they wish to manage their time and resources.
If they come to you to say they are struggling then be supportive.
But having a problem with it off your own back is not going to help.

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 19:09

Yes but the reason we have chosen not to ask for regular help from our family is mainly due to our son's condition. We know that they love him more than words can say but at the same time it would be too much to expect them to commit to regular childcare. I assure you this isn't simply me or my husband playing the martyr. We are responsible parents and we know the limits of our somewhat elderly parent/inlaws and that looking after an autistic child for a prolonged period of time would cripple them, they are only just managing to keep up with my SiL's neurotypical children.

OP posts:
KathrynL · 12/03/2016 19:12

I think that my inlaws are happy to help, any of us for that fact but both me and my dh see how tired and exhausted they are and it worries us. They have committed to helping my SiL but i don't think that they realised how tiring it would be and now feel obliged in some way to keep it up.

OP posts:
phequer · 12/03/2016 19:15

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curren · 12/03/2016 19:16

I don't think you sound like a bitch OP but you do seem worked up and like you look down on your sil.

I also think this is less about your pil and more that they aren't available to help you out of/when you need it.

I get it, I do. As I said before my dbro and sil are like your sil. My sil won't even go get ther some from nursery 20 minute walk away as its too much hassle to put the younger one in the pram. So she gets mum to drive and do it.

I am more independent, I avoid asking for help (like you sometimes to my detriment) because I know mum and dad are knackered. But to be honest I have the better relationship with mum and dad. While they will happily help dbro out they get frustrated that between them they can't stand on their own two feet. I am happy with that. It effects the relationship.

But I keep out. My relationship with my mum and dad has nothing to do with my brother. It wouldn't go down well with me or my parents if dbro started laying down the law to me.

almondpudding · 12/03/2016 19:17

I would love to look after grandchildren when I retire. I live a long distance from my parents, but they often had the kids for the whole of half term etc. The biggest benefit of that is that the kids feel loved.

If two of the kids have no contact with their fathers, then it is hugely beneficial to their psychological well being that other family members are stepping up and are showing love and care.

If the grandparents don't walk the kids to and from school, that is up to them.

phequer · 12/03/2016 19:18

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KathrynL · 12/03/2016 19:24

I can see that yes, I get it but I genuinely think that they are fed up of being on call 24:7 but don't know how to say no, or get out of it. To be honest this has nothing to do with the help we get from dh's parents. If we wanted them to help out more then they would, they've told us this many times but three kids is a lot to take on especially when one is autistic so we don't like to ask too often. And to be fair I've already said that I do judge my SiL (at least I'm being honest) but I can't help it, she is a fully grown woman with children of her own yet acts like a child herself.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 19:26

My kids are nowhere near procreating, but when they dfo I will gladly help out. Help out. Not parent.
And my DC love going on holiday to my parents. I would love to do same in the future. But the day to day parenting stuff, unless there are extraordinary circumstances? No.

AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 12/03/2016 19:27

Wow some people on this thread are really, really projecting.

OP I do think based solely on your posts, which I have absolutely no reason to doubt since this is the scenario that have been put forward for us to comment on, your SIL is an absolute pisstaker. However she absolutely needs help from your PIL and it is fantastic that your PIL are willing and able to give that help but yes she should be pulling her weight too. I hope your DH's chat will give her a bit of a kick up the arse but possibly not and then I would just leave them too it.

phequer · 12/03/2016 19:29

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KathrynL · 12/03/2016 19:29

I'm exactly the same. Most days I'm willing my kids to stop growing up as it goes too fast but me and my dh can't wait for our kids to have their own kids one day and we will certainly be hands on grandparents. But what we won't do is step in and parent our child's own children, that will be for them to manage. But taking our grandkids on holiday, to the park, on days out etc we can't wait to do.

OP posts:
curren · 12/03/2016 19:30

And to be fair I've already said that I do judge my SiL (at least I'm being honest) but I can't help it, she is a fully grown woman with children of her own yet acts like a child herself.

Honestly I judge my dbro and sil. That they can't look after their kids without daily intervention from other people.

But I keep it to myself and let my mum and dad handle it from there

phequer · 12/03/2016 19:31

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.