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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Thinking that Sil is taking advantage and kind of lazy

180 replies

KathrynL · 11/03/2016 17:14

I know that this technically doesn't affect me as such but I'm a concerned observer as is my dh and I don't know how much longer either of us can just sit back and say nothing, but anyway I'll get to it.

My dh has a younger sister and a younger brother. His younger sister (not that much younger we are all in our 30's) has three children, all primary school age. The jist of it is that my SiL (imo) is taking advantage of my dh's parents and their brother. She is a single parent, but at the same time not completely helpless and despite the fact she doesn't work and never has she depends on my inlaws for practically everything. My MiL and FiL both turned 70 last year, so are retired and have time on their hands and they love their grandchildren including mine and dh's kids and they'll happily help out if any of us need it but I think my SiL is taking the piss.

She lives literally a five minute walk away from her kids primary school yet she never takes them herself. My MiL has a key and turns up at 8am every weekday morning to sort the kids out (they're 10, 7 and 6) whilst my SiL lays in bed. She takes them to school and then picks them up every day too whilst my SiL is either still laying in bed or out with friends shopping or having drinks in the pub. She expects my inlaws to mind her kids whenever she wants to go anywhere and if she "can't be bothered" to take them to doctors/dentist/opticians etc than my inlaws will take them. Like I said they aren't exactly spring chickens and both me and my dh are seeing first hand the strain it is on them keep running around like this.

My SiL doesn't drive so she uses both my MiL and FiL as her own personal taxi service. Every school holidays she just assumes they will mind the kids why she goes out and if on the rare occasion they refuse to have them then my SiL goes mad. She also is constantly asking them to borrow her money even though she knows they only have their pensions to live on and again if they refuse she takes a strop. My dh's brother is currently at uni but has a lot of time off in between so my SiL has him running round doing jobs for her ie the food shop, taking her kids to the park, paying money into the bank, etc etc and I don't think it's very fair.

Now I know what you're thinking. It's up to my dh's family if they chose to do these things for SiL but I genuinely think they are too soft and maybe even little scared of saying no, as trust me it doesn't happen often. I just can't help but think that my SiL is lazy and should be doing these things herself instead of relying on other people and to be honest I'm sick of having the single parent card thrown at me. I have single parent family members and friends and none of them are like this, they are strong independent women and manage fine with just occasional help. My dh has tried to speak to his parents before about this matter but his mum just shrugs it off and says she doesnt mind helping and his dad just days that it's a struggle for SiL and we wouldn't know because their are two of us to parent our kids. Yeah the difference is though we both work (and I study) plus raise three children but we pay to have people look after our kids (nursery, after school club) we don't expect our parents to commit to long term childcare. So Aibu do you think to feel this way? I personally don't think I am as I hate to see people being taken advantage of but I just wanted to get other perspective.

OP posts:
phequer · 12/03/2016 17:26

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Owllady · 12/03/2016 17:36

Minus the not getting out of bed thing, I think you'd be surprised the amount of support some people get off their families whether they are single or not.

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 17:46

I've not once said that I have an idea what's it's like to be a single parent to three children, have I? Not to sound harsh but I'm sick to death of hearing about how hard things are for her just because she's on her own. I've already said I have a few family members and friends who are single parents and whilst they do accept offers of help they by no means take advantage and wouldn't dream of laying in bed whilst their mum or dad got their kids sorted and took them to school.

OP posts:
phequer · 12/03/2016 17:48

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KathrynL · 12/03/2016 18:01

I realise that. I'm just pointing out that just because someone is a single parent it doesn't necessrily mean all doom and gloom, and likewise, just because two parents are in a couple, like me and my dh it shouldn't be assumed that life is easy. Me and my dh are a team and help each other out when it comes to raising our kids but we both work, my dh mad hours and we have to pay to rely on people as opposed to taking advantage of family members, it's not always easy but according to my SiL our lives are a piece of cake.

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phequer · 12/03/2016 18:03

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Owllady · 12/03/2016 18:04

Kathryn, I mean this with the best possible intention, you need to switch off from it. You can't change her or your in laws and although I do actually understand how frustrating it is (as we have a similar situation in our family) but they will carry on the same anyway and you'll just continue to wind yourself up. Step back and let them get on with it

curren · 12/03/2016 18:09

Tbh I think your dh should have spoken to his parents first.

If I went to my sil and said she was knackering my parents (as its my parents doing the running round in my family) I would completely expect my parents to tell me to keep my nose out.

I think he over stepped then mark speaking to her before he spoke to his parents.

What did you expect? I imagine she knows full well that you are behind this or have had a lot to say about it.

You are proper family. But your pils are her parents a relationship that's been around a lot longer than you. I really think you need to keep out of it. Your dh handled it badly. She reacted badly. Quite obvious to see coming.

cannotlogin · 12/03/2016 18:10

You are proper family

what on earth do you mean by that?

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 18:14

Our lives are a piece of cake compared to EVERY single parent who ever existed? Ok. Well I haven't mentioned it previously but our eldest child (age 11) is autistic. We as a family have been through hell and back since he was two years old (he was only diagnosed last year) and in general our life is tricky to say the least. On a particularly bad day (despite loving my son to the death and i'd never change him) i think that life at times for me at least would indeed be easier as a single parent. If me and my dh were to ever separate (God forbid as I genuinely would hate that to happen) then we would both get more of a break or more "me time" than we do now. But as it at ads we are a couple and a family and we are not about to put on our family 24/7 just so we can get a break. And for what it's worth I'm not mentioning this now for the sympathy vote, I usually never discuss my son's condition with anyone who isn't family or friends but don't accuse me of having an easy time of it just because I just so happen to have a partner/husband. You are the one who has no idea!

OP posts:
phequer · 12/03/2016 18:15

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Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 18:16

Where is the children's father in all of this?
What will the SIL do when her parents are too old to parent her children (because that's what they are doing)?
I cannot believe that the op is getting such a hard time, she and her dh are concerned for her Pils. Why should SIL stay in bed all day and not take any responsibility for her own DC? How can anyone say that that is OK?

cannotlogin · 12/03/2016 18:18

So being a single parent is great because - in your opinion - you get some free time/down time/respite from the difficulties of parenting?

Owllady · 12/03/2016 18:19

Kathryn, I understand why you are angry but you really need to stop taking it personal Flowers let them get on with it

Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 18:19

Phequer, you are the one who turned it into a competition!
Op. You can't hope for any changes now, I really do appreciate how hard it is (similar sort of situation).

phequer · 12/03/2016 18:23

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OTheHugeManatee · 12/03/2016 18:25

I think YANBU. But if your SIL has been like this for years she isn't going to change.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/03/2016 18:26

Oh yeah, all the free time as a single parent, which, in my case, equates to one afternoon every third Saturday.

This is jealousy, OP, pure and simple.

Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 18:27

Phequer, your situation sounds very different to op's SIl. She is choosing to rely on her parents for everything, from what op says there is no reason why she needs it.

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 18:28

I know that it's not a competition, I didn't mean to insinuate that it is. I wasn't going to mention my son's condition simply because of that but I just wanted to make it clear that just because parents are a couple it doesn't necessarily mean that they have it easy incomparison to a single parent. Some single parents have it bloody tough and get no help and support what so ever from their children's father or from their family but let's face it some get both in huge amounts and they take advantage. My SiL's kids all have different fathers and only the youngest child's takes an active interest in their life, the other two don't see their kids.

OP posts:
phequer · 12/03/2016 18:29

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Lizzylou · 12/03/2016 18:33

This has ended up as a single parent vs couple row, when it really isn't. I don't think op is jealous. Frustrated and concerned for her pils, definitely.

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 18:35

parquer it is also "catastrophic" when you both work all hours God sends but find it hard to do so and make ends meat because your child (when he was younger) got kicked out of his school and out of after school club (that we relied on for us to work) and you have no choice but to cut your hours and almost lose your job and therefore suffer financially because of it. We could have taken the easy route and demanded that my dh's or my parents give up their lives in order to take care of our son, ferrying him to his new school (which at the time was 15 miles away as that's the only school that could take him) but we as a couple decided that it wouldn't be fair on them and that we'd need something more permanent in place. No doubt our families would have come to our rescue but why should they have. So when my SiL doesn't face any of the issues we do, she doesn't work, yet demands 24:7 support just so that she can laze around all day then I can't help but feel upset.

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LaurieMarlow · 12/03/2016 18:37

Kathryn, I mean it in the nicest possible way but you are totally over invested in this.

Try to switch off. Not your issue, not your family, no one seems very unhappy about it apart from you. Save your mental energy for your own family.

KathrynL · 12/03/2016 18:38

I assure you I'm not jealous. Despite all the issues our family has faced and continues to face I would not chose to swap places with my SiL. I love my dh and my children more than words can say and no amount of help from family or me time would make me ever want to trade places.

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