Thinking that Sil is taking advantage and kind of lazy

[KathrynL]

I know that this technically doesn't affect me as such but I'm a concerned observer as is my dh and I don't know how much longer either of us can just sit back and say nothing, but anyway I'll get to it.

My dh has a younger sister and a younger brother. His younger sister (not that much younger we are all in our 30's) has three children, all primary school age. The jist of it is that my SiL (imo) is taking advantage of my dh's parents and their brother. She is a single parent, but at the same time not completely helpless and despite the fact she doesn't work and never has she depends on my inlaws for practically everything. My MiL and FiL both turned 70 last year, so are retired and have time on their hands and they love their grandchildren including mine and dh's kids and they'll happily help out if any of us need it but I think my SiL is taking the piss.

She lives literally a five minute walk away from her kids primary school yet she never takes them herself. My MiL has a key and turns up at 8am every weekday morning to sort the kids out (they're 10, 7 and 6) whilst my SiL lays in bed. She takes them to school and then picks them up every day too whilst my SiL is either still laying in bed or out with friends shopping or having drinks in the pub. She expects my inlaws to mind her kids whenever she wants to go anywhere and if she "can't be bothered" to take them to doctors/dentist/opticians etc than my inlaws will take them. Like I said they aren't exactly spring chickens and both me and my dh are seeing first hand the strain it is on them keep running around like this.

My SiL doesn't drive so she uses both my MiL and FiL as her own personal taxi service. Every school holidays she just assumes they will mind the kids why she goes out and if on the rare occasion they refuse to have them then my SiL goes mad. She also is constantly asking them to borrow her money even though she knows they only have their pensions to live on and again if they refuse she takes a strop. My dh's brother is currently at uni but has a lot of time off in between so my SiL has him running round doing jobs for her ie the food shop, taking her kids to the park, paying money into the bank, etc etc and I don't think it's very fair.

Now I know what you're thinking. It's up to my dh's family if they chose to do these things for SiL but I genuinely think they are too soft and maybe even little scared of saying no, as trust me it doesn't happen often. I just can't help but think that my SiL is lazy and should be doing these things herself instead of relying on other people and to be honest I'm sick of having the single parent card thrown at me. I have single parent family members and friends and none of them are like this, they are strong independent women and manage fine with just occasional help. My dh has tried to speak to his parents before about this matter but his mum just shrugs it off and says she doesnt mind helping and his dad just days that it's a struggle for SiL and we wouldn't know because their are two of us to parent our kids. Yeah the difference is though we both work (and I study) plus raise three children but we pay to have people look after our kids (nursery, after school club) we don't expect our parents to commit to long term childcare. So Aibu do you think to feel this way? I personally don't think I am as I hate to see people being taken advantage of but I just wanted to get other perspective.

Unless of course its impacting upon yours & your DHs lives negatively in which case you could call a family meeting

GooseberryRoolz totally agree. I couldn't stay in bed until 3.30pm unless hungover or ill

I honestly think she sounds ill. It surely isn't normal to need help to that degree otherwise - daily school runs as opposed to now and again, and missing parents' evening - surely most parents want to do that themselves??

I think she is hiding something from you. You're her SIL not her best buddy, there must be something you don't know here.

I'd feel the same as you OP. YANBU and I don't think you sound jealous at all. I don't see what you can do though.

We have a vaguely similar situation and won't be saying anything. It's PIL's time, money and stuff to do with as they please. It does impact on relationships though and we've chosen to move away so we hear about it less.

She might not be hiding anything, she might not even know herself.

She actually sounds a lot like me in my younger days when I was a single parent to 1 child. My dad used to do most of the school runs and my shopping, my mum did all my laundry and a lot of my housework. DD often stayed with them at weekends and always went on holiday with them. I wasn't depressed or anything, I felt lazy and ashamed because it seemed I was just rubbish at being an adult. I loved my DD dearly but I just struggled to pull it all together. My parents couldn't identify the problem but they could see I needed a lot of help from them.

I was 38 when my new doctor mentioned autism and asked if he could refer me for assessment. A few months later I was officially diagnosed and all the pieces started to finally fall into place.

Please don't judge your SIL too harshly because as I said earlier there's clearly an underlying issue, even if nobody knows what it is yet.

YANBU.

But you cant possibly point out that someone is being a lazy user on AIBU without being accused of being jealous that no one is enabling you to do the same. Which I find interesting, the assumption being that everyone must want to be a lazy scrounger if they could, says more about the accusers than you imo.

MH problems excepted I can't think of a good reason why a non working parent wouldn't want to take their own kids to school and pick them up. Very odd behaviour in my opinion.

If your in-laws don't like what they're being asked to do, then they need to speak up.

And when they do she throws a massive strop, probably threatening to not let the see the kids anymore (guessing there but I have one of these in my extended family and that is exactly what she does). She is manipulating them into doing what she wants and makes them suffer when they dont, there is a word for that.

I agree that it's possible the SIL could be depressed - staying in bed all day is a massive red flag for depression.

But I don't agree that the OP should just sit back and do nothing because it's none of their business. Sometimes people need someone to advocate for them because they're unable to help themselves. In this situation that could be both the SIL and the PIL.

If it were me I think I'd try talking to the SIL, especially if you have a good relationship with her. Try to come at it more from an angle of concern rather than judgeyness. Tell her you're worried about her and her parents and see if you can dig a little deeper into why she feels she needs this level of help.

I would think at a bare minimum, if the school is 5 mins away and she has no work commitments she should be able to get them there and back herself each day, which would be a big strain off of your PIL

Try to come at it more from an angle of concern rather than judgeyness

Nowhere does the OP come across as concerned.
I wouldn't bother because if you're not actually concerned, then you will get people's backs up, they will be able to tell.

If OP is scornful of her SIL then its likely been visible from time to time. Its not conducive to a "concerned" seeming approach and could go down like a lead balloon. I like my SIL a lot but I wouldn't take kindly to any advice on my lifestyle from her. I have my DB & DSis, who've known me since birth, for that. & my best mate who I've been close to for years. They know me better than SIL ever could. I think its wise to tread very carefully when looking on at a family situation and dynamics and to remember that unfortunately you don't get to choose other people's reactions. Somebody else may be the best advocate

My inlaws are the same with my SIL. We also know if anything happens to them she will expect us to step in and then she will come down to earth with a huge bump.

My husband has pointed out they are not doing her any favours in the long run as one day she will have to do with out them (both inlaws in there 70s), and we shall not be there to pick up the pieces

Of course what should actually be happening is op's dh talking to his sister and asking why she is taking the p like this.

Yep. Good point's well made. Probably better if your DH speaks to her.

the less she does the less she will be capable of doing.

can see why you are concerned but you can not say anything. only your dh is in the equal relationship position to his sister to be able to say anything. as much as you are part of the family, when you start criticising one of there own you may find you are not so much part of it!

It may be possible to drip to your younger bil that running round after his sister as he does is a bit unusual. Anything else should come from your dh.

ALso think it is not doing her any favours doing so much unless she is ill. She either needs to learn to do more herself or get medical help if not doing so already.

I agree your SIL sounds ill, but your PIL running around doing everything for her isn't making her well. It sounds like she needs help for her mental health.

Can you or DH have a conversation with PIL saying that doing everything for these kids isn't helping SIL? That should they develop any health issues, want to go on holiday etc SIL will not cope. She needs to sort herself for the benefit of herself and the children.

Ultimately though, if SIL refuses to step up or get help, and PIL enable this by doing everything then there is nothing you can do.

As a converse side to this, my family had a friend whose grandchildren taken into foster care because their mother couldn't cope, didn't care for them. My mother was horrified that the grandmother (our friend) didn't step up to do more... she said if any of us struggled like that she would be over every night to cook/bathe children, tidy and wash etc. rather than see the children go to random foster carers. So perhaps this is the commitment that your PIL have made, that SIL won't/can't do it, and if they don't then the children will be uncared for and potentially taken off her.

My SIL is like this. PILS support her financially as does her ex DH. Think mortgage paid off, new car every two years, holidays, all clothes and activities paid for etc. PILS are well into their 70's and have her DC all the time including a few nights during the week and most weekends that aren't her exDHs contact time. She is very depressed and I think has an alcohol problem unfortunately so it's good for the kids to be around positive people. The PILS definitely enable her but they don't see it that way. It's a sad situation, but not our business to judge or intervene.

Well this morning my dh was at his parents house as he took our kids to see them as it's been a while. His sister was there and he's pulled her aside for a word and let's just say it didn't go too well and she's now not speaking to him.

Of course this would annoy anyone. You're in no position to say anything, though.

What did your husband say to her?

Yes, I've been told that I'm in no position to say anything but that my dh is as he's "proper" family, so that's just what he did. My dh just sat here down and was as nice as he possibly could be. He said that their mum and dad even though they won't admit it, are exhausted and he realises that she's on her own but can't expect to rely on their mum and dad so often. Surprisingly she didn't start shouting and screaming (like dh expected her to) but she got on the defensive telling my dh that he has such a perfect life (not true!) and how would he know what it's like to be a single parent doing everything on your own.

My dh then told her that he doesn't know what that's like but she isn't doing everything on her own, she gets tons of help from their parents. She then walked off muttering to herself, slammed the door then came back in two minutes later saying that I (meaning me) am such a perfect mother having it all together (again not true) and that it must be so great not to have to rely on anyone for anything. Well that's me told isn't it.