Thinking that Sil is taking advantage and kind of lazy

[KathrynL]

I know that this technically doesn't affect me as such but I'm a concerned observer as is my dh and I don't know how much longer either of us can just sit back and say nothing, but anyway I'll get to it.

My dh has a younger sister and a younger brother. His younger sister (not that much younger we are all in our 30's) has three children, all primary school age. The jist of it is that my SiL (imo) is taking advantage of my dh's parents and their brother. She is a single parent, but at the same time not completely helpless and despite the fact she doesn't work and never has she depends on my inlaws for practically everything. My MiL and FiL both turned 70 last year, so are retired and have time on their hands and they love their grandchildren including mine and dh's kids and they'll happily help out if any of us need it but I think my SiL is taking the piss.

She lives literally a five minute walk away from her kids primary school yet she never takes them herself. My MiL has a key and turns up at 8am every weekday morning to sort the kids out (they're 10, 7 and 6) whilst my SiL lays in bed. She takes them to school and then picks them up every day too whilst my SiL is either still laying in bed or out with friends shopping or having drinks in the pub. She expects my inlaws to mind her kids whenever she wants to go anywhere and if she "can't be bothered" to take them to doctors/dentist/opticians etc than my inlaws will take them. Like I said they aren't exactly spring chickens and both me and my dh are seeing first hand the strain it is on them keep running around like this.

My SiL doesn't drive so she uses both my MiL and FiL as her own personal taxi service. Every school holidays she just assumes they will mind the kids why she goes out and if on the rare occasion they refuse to have them then my SiL goes mad. She also is constantly asking them to borrow her money even though she knows they only have their pensions to live on and again if they refuse she takes a strop. My dh's brother is currently at uni but has a lot of time off in between so my SiL has him running round doing jobs for her ie the food shop, taking her kids to the park, paying money into the bank, etc etc and I don't think it's very fair.

Now I know what you're thinking. It's up to my dh's family if they chose to do these things for SiL but I genuinely think they are too soft and maybe even little scared of saying no, as trust me it doesn't happen often. I just can't help but think that my SiL is lazy and should be doing these things herself instead of relying on other people and to be honest I'm sick of having the single parent card thrown at me. I have single parent family members and friends and none of them are like this, they are strong independent women and manage fine with just occasional help. My dh has tried to speak to his parents before about this matter but his mum just shrugs it off and says she doesnt mind helping and his dad just days that it's a struggle for SiL and we wouldn't know because their are two of us to parent our kids. Yeah the difference is though we both work (and I study) plus raise three children but we pay to have people look after our kids (nursery, after school club) we don't expect our parents to commit to long term childcare. So Aibu do you think to feel this way? I personally don't think I am as I hate to see people being taken advantage of but I just wanted to get other perspective.

Oh and when did I say I pay for a babysitter? I said that I pay for my kids to go to nursery and after school club so that myself and my dh can go to work. Me and my dh don't get out too much together but when we do usually my sister and her husband will mind our kids as they have kids if a similar age. Oh and don't make out I'm jealous again just because I said me and dh don't get out together much and my inlaws have SiL's kids. We get out with friends separately and have them round to our house for food and drinks, so there's no issue there.

she can sit on her arse all her life and not earn her own money, I couldn't care less!

then why all the comments about how you work to pay for things and she doesn't? if it doesn't bother you, why even mention it? Because whether she works or not, it has nothing at all to do with her relationship with your PsIL. Would you still have posted if she was working and needed help to bridge a gap between her getting to work on time and childcare being available?

I made one comment about her not working to set the scene as it were, and I said that I pay for childcare because I do and there's no reason why she couldn't if she really needs extra time to herself.

OP I know someone who only recently admitted they had an alcohol problem, they've now been sober just over a hundred days so doing really well.

HOWEVER....

No-one - and I mean NO-ONE - had a fucking clue she was drinking in the first place yet she had been drinking over a bottle of vodka daily and was just incredibly good (as I've now learnt are most serious alcoholics) at hiding it and any evidence of it. Her tolerance had grown so high that she was never 'drunk' iykwim and because she too was a single parent there was no-one to clock the £££ going on booze (hers all via ASDA deliveries I think)

Yet she was alcohol dependent to the point that she was drinking so much that when she finally acknowledged she had a problem she needed to be medically detoxed to avoid her fitting as her brain withdrew from alcohol

I really wouldn't discount anything as there are some things you just cannot 'know' know IYKWIM. I will never ever EVER assume someone to be ok just becuase it seems like they're ok; tbh I still cannot get my head round fact that she was a fuly functioning raging text book alcoholic yet not one person even suspected, let alone 'knew'.

I don't think you deserve the judgy posts along the lines of 'none of your business' etc, just imagine the reverse if you'd posted that your ILs had X/Y issues but as far as you were concerned it wasn't your problem as thy weren't your 'blood' relatives - you'd be flamed beyond flamed so I'd take those posts with a healthy pinch of salt if I were you.

You are getting a hard time OP. Seventy is getting on a bit to be doing the school run everyday. Your SiL is taking advantage. I think it is up to your DH to say something to be honest.

I made one comment about her not working to set the scene as it were, and I said that I pay for childcare because I do

and there it is. That your SIL doesn't work may or may not be relevant to the care your PsIL give their grand children. That you have to pay for care for your children affects your PsIL how exactly? how does it serve us to know that you pay for childcare and your sister in law doesn't?

Your problem is with those that enable your SiL, she is doing as she has been brought up to do.

If my SiL was working and my inlaws were helping out as much as they are at present I'd still think it was a strain on them but at least it would be benefiting my SiL in a practical way but as it stands it isn't benefiting her in any way other than allowing her to stay in her pjs all day. I'm not meaning to sound nasty but that is the reality of the situation. I've been round many times after school to take my kids to play with their cousins and the curtains are all closed and she answer the door in her nighty and slippers so has obviously been in bed most of the day and then two mins later along comes my mil/fil with her three kids looking shattered from walking up the huge hill that the school sits at the bottom of.

Yanbu. She's a lazy fucker

Sometimes we look on at a situation and disapprove on others' behalf. For all you know DHs parents and sibling could be perfectly happy with the situation or if not happy, at least OK with it. I bet if you intervened and aimed to put a stop to it you would get short shrift and nothing much would change. Its not all about what you think, its what they choose to put up with and thats their choice.

I don't buy that they're "scared" of your SIL. This is her family you are speaking about. Not sure why you are saying "don't make out Im jealous" when you're comparing yours & DH life to hers, and you are so obviously envious. You may not get the thread you likely wanted ie choc full of comments dissing your SIL for the way she is with her own family, and then you could enjoy sitting back reading through. But those are the breaks.

You can complain to strangers to high heaven but I doubt you'd get far with this in real life so I guess this is as good a place to vent as any

I get that you are worried about your inlaws being taken advantage of, but there might be things they know that you do not.

I had a similar issue, but to a much lesser extent, with my SIL. She was divorced, single mum of 3, and she relied on them so much. Not to take them to school, or basic things like that, but FIL did everything around her house, paid for new fences, a new bathroom, a new kitchen (she said she would "clean their house" to pay the "debt" but did it twice then stopped), and it was awful to watch her just usurp all their available funds, time and goodwill.

We did have discussions about it when they brought it up, and complained, and we said the more they gave the more she would take. But she was in a bad place, and has since improved greatly, now works, has a new husband, the children are older, etc.

But the truth of the matter was that whilst FIL didnt like the arrangement, it was a very co-dependent thing between her and MIL - MIL needed to be needed. She still does.

So we didn't get too involved, but we wouldn't take too much of their nonsense, or hers, when either one started complaining about the arrangement. The amount of free child care, house improvements, food/meals, and general support she had from them was breathtaking.

She will probably give it all back and some when they are old and need care - she is that kind of person and that's something, it's worth more than a figure you can put on paper really, and the amount of support and care she gave her elderly grandmother, along with MIL, when she was housebound and dying probably makes up for most of it, so it is a very different situation to yours really.

But I do see your concern, and it's easy to say "none of your business" but it kind of is in a way, depending on how it affects the family unit as a whole, or your PIL's as people.

She sounds like quite an operator.FWIW I'd be pissed off too. I have a colleague whose sister in law has managed to guilt the in laws and as a consequence they still treat her like a lame duck and subsidise her. It pisses my colleague off. But be careful how you tread because all parties could close ranks against you and scapegoat you if you are seen as challenging the situation. She won't get away with it forever, life's not like that.

My adult DS thinks my adult DD is taking advantage of me for childcare (though he doesn't have children himself). Nothing I can say or do will persuade him otherwise, but I love spending all the time I can with my DGD! I could say no if I wanted, but I don't want to.

I think there absolutely must be something going on that you're not privy to.
It isn't normal to never want to take your kids to school or go to a parents evening if you are able to.

And, btw op, please for your own sake just ignore the people getting on your case about this. It happens on mn quite frequently and it's beyond bonkers. Just ignore, and don't get upset or rise to it.

Thanks I won't. I realise that on Aibu you can only say so much or go into so much of detail before you're accused of being jealous or told to mind your own business.

I don't think you sound jealous at all.

I know the mumsnet mantra is his family/your family, but that's not how it works in our house.

I'm totally part of Dh's family and I'd be really concerned about his too.

She's a lazy cow or she's seriously depressed.

Well at least you get it lol. That's how we think of it. It is our family and if either of us feel something isn't quite right or that someone is being taken advantage of then it's only to be expected that we'd have something to say on the matter, either to each other or to the people involved.

Obviously I don't know all the ins and outs of her life but I think I can safely say with confidence that she doesn't have any MH issues or is an alcoholic.

I'd have thought it was a good bet that someone who regularly lies in bed until past 3.30pm DOES have some kind of issue, myself.

YANBU, she sounds like a real piss-taker, but i don't think you can do anything about it your pils will have to work it out for themselves. I really hate lazy people and don't think she's got some secret debilitating illness.

YANBU to feel this way. FWIW, you don't sound jealous to me, just pissed off. It might be worth thinking about what might happen with your sister and the kids etc. in a few years time. Bro won't be able to help like he does now if he's lucky enough to land an FT job after uni and I suspect your parents won't either, given their age.

I think she's a lazy bugger who has got used to a totally OTT level of "support".

It might have worked when PIL's were younger but at 70 it's bonkers.

Actually getting the kids ready for school every day is bonkers at any age...

So I don't understand why you are getting a hard time here.

It is your DH's (and in support of him, your) business when he sees his family being taken advantage of.

The problem is I think there is little you can do about it without PIL's and DBro initiating any changes themselves.

TBH I'd start with the brother and point out that PIL's can do this forever and unless he wants to step into the breech you need to work to help both PIL's and SIL to be less dependent on each other. Start with the school issue. There is no reason she can't do this even to start with a few days a week. I think "baby steps" might be the way here.

If he doesn't agree I'd reluctantly let it go, but make clear to PIL's that if they wanted to take a step back they'd have my support (but that didn't include indulging SIL as they had done).

I understand your concerns, there clearly is more to this than meets the eye.
Maybe she can't cope with her kids.
She depressed it sounds like to me.

3 kids on your own is hard work, and if she's always had her parents helping her (for the kids benefit rather than hers I'm guessing) then I can well imagine if could all go a bit wrong.
I have suffered with depression and it's awful, not going anywhere, counting down the minutes until my (very well behaved!) children could be put to bed etc.
I can assure you it's not laziness though, it's literally a black hole. Thank god I'm coming out at the other side now!!

You do sound a bit jealous though to be honest. Maybe jealous isn't the right word. Put out is probably closer.
Put out that you have to work and pay for babysitters (there was no need to mention that fact if it was solely out of concern for gps), and she doesn't.
Like she getting something that you're not, and you feel like you deserve those perks more or something.
You can feel like this whilst simultaneously think she's taking advantage of the gps.
That doesn't make you a bad person by the way, she is obviously not in a healthy place for her or her dc.

But, ultimately it's NONE of your, or your DHs business.
And if they are doing it out of concern for the DC (which lets face it, is most likely, I doubt they're doing it so she can have a lay in) they will NOT appreciate your intervening.

It sounds like they are being proud, and will pretend they don't mind, but ultimately doing it so social services are not called!!

FFS - of course it's their business!!!!

Seeing family members run ragged aged 70 - it's totally reasonable for her DH to be concerned and for her also.

But you are "not saying anything" OP are you really, unless you are saying it to your SIL, or your BIL who you claim are enabling her. Judgement and disliking someone's lifestyle can be mixed with jealousy, there's no mutual exclusiveness in that. I agree with Gooseberry that someone who lies in bed until past 3.30pm does have some kind of issue actually, zest for life, motivation and care for one's emotional wellbeing would seem to be missing. Some people feel depression means unless you are bawling and rolling on the floor and can't be bothered to get dressed every day, then you aren't depressed or at least on the way to depression.

Either way in your shoes I really wouldn't be dwelling on it so much. Yes you think she is lazy. Yes you think she is entitled. Some will agree, some won't. But its Friday and you're sitting there making a long post/thread about a family member that will not change anything. Unless you speak up and say its not fair, and you want the family to withdraw assistance from her and let her stand on her own 2 feet. & again if you do, you could very well be seen as the envious bad guy if they close ranks on you, you'll be back here with another post.

Although I don't think you will say anything in RL

Did nobody read the bit about going to the pub and shopping with friends, my husband has suffered with depression on and off for 30 years no way would he have been doing those type of things during a depressive episode. She is also managing to feed, dress and clean the children.