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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD

137 replies

Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 21:33

Please be gentle with me I was going to post in LGBT but saw a poster in there earlier getting a pasting.

I have 3DC 2DS and 1DD. DD and I are very close in some ways I admit I always wanted a DD (she is DC2) and I could not have asked for a better daughter.

I work with teenagers (this is relevant) so am pretty familiar with their issues. DD is a very closed book when it comes to sex or anything personal. She did tell me when she had sex with her BF (after gentle prompting) and I took her to the GP to go on the pill.

She works hard (2 jobs and 6th form) she's kind and caring and funny and got a place on a course she wants to do next Sep. I adore her.

She was in a relationship with a boy she had been friends with since childhood for a year until a few months ago when she dumped him and became really secretive.

She has an (I think unhealthy) almost obsession with a pop singer who is a lesbian and has met a group of gay friends through a Twitter group who follow this singer (she has been to three concerts this year already). This singers music helped her through a hard time in her life when she was bullied at school.

DD doesn't know that I know but she has "come out" to a few of her friends. This has shocked me massively because I just never had any inkling that DD was confused or ever thought she was gay (I actually don't I think she's very confused about who she is).

On the surface we are close (my job involves discussing very intimate things with teens) but it's almost like she has this alter ego (secret Twitter account where she posts about women she wants "to bang" DD is not like that) but DD does not talk to me about how she is feeling.

I feel so lost not being able to be there for her and that she won't share this with me. Part of me thinks I should let her have her privacy but the other part of me feels like so am losing her. I have made friends with one particular girl who is older (22 - DD is nearly 17) who is openly Gay and allowed DD to stay at hers and she has stayed here but I am unsure what to do and I feel a bit alone and lost.

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 21:39

I haven't experienced it personally no, but I honestly I'd wait for her to come to you. She's exploring a new side of herself and probably doesn't want to talk to her mum about her intimate sexual desires. She might not be gay, she might be bisexual, she might be trying to work that out for herself.

TickettyBoo · 10/03/2016 21:39

I think you should respect her privacy and go at her pace, she'll talk to you when she's ready and if she needs to. She sounds self sufficient and private, and that's not necessarily a problem. I can imagine letting go must be hard. She's learning about who she is, she sounds pretty grounded really.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 10/03/2016 21:42

Confused or not, her private life is private and you need to accept that. She may be "confused" or she may be gay. My neither is 26, gay and has never come out to my parents or introduced them to any men. It frustrates them (not that he's gay, just that he's so private) but at the end of the day he has every right to live his life that way. There are a lot of people who think my DB isn't gay and just "says he is" (Hmm) - again, none of their business. Let her come to you in her own time if that's what she wants.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/03/2016 21:42

Sorry but I think it's very U to say you don't think she is gay and you think she is confused.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 10/03/2016 21:42

*brother

CaptainCrunch · 10/03/2016 21:43

None of us really know our children.

ridemesideways · 10/03/2016 21:45

I wouldn't do anything except love and support her as you normally do. If she wants to talk to you, she will. Knowing that you love her unconditionally is the best thing you can do for her. Please don't snoop at her accounts if they're private. Even if they're public, try to respect her space and privacy until such a time as she chooses to share stuff with you.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 21:46

I have worked with many young people who have said they are bisexual/gay etc who haven't been.

I know many people who were confused in their teens.

If she is gay it isn't an issue.

I think she is very confused actually - and no not unreasonable to say that.

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PotteringAlong · 10/03/2016 21:46

I've never spoken to my mum about my private life. She's my mum, not my friend and it's none of her business.

Butt out (in the nicest possible way Smile)

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 21:46

I don't snoop on her no.

Her friends mum told me.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/03/2016 21:48

Why ask if you are being U then?

IMO you are

theycallmemellojello · 10/03/2016 21:49

You sound pretty overbearing I'm afraid. Support your dd. Her sexuality and who she shares it with is her business. She will work it out - and of course she won't want you holding her hand as she explores her sexuality!

Champagneformyrealfriends · 10/03/2016 21:51

Her friends mum told you?! That's invasive and very U of her friends mum. It is not her place to "out" your daughter and she ought to be ashamed of herself.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 10/03/2016 21:51

At that age I used to talk about celebrity women I wanted to bang with my friends, that's not who I am or who I was, I have never actually acted like that. So I wouldn't worry about that. Celebrity crushes is a safe way of exploring these feelings.

Having struggled with my sexuality for a long time, my advice is to butt out. Let her know she can talk to you about anything she wants, but allow her privacy

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 21:52

Overbearing Hmm

I want to know how to be there for her and I worry about what she posts on social media on a public account but I don't want to embarrass her and tell her I have seen it.

I think that is being a caring parent not over bearing.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 21:52

Yes it's great that you'll accept her whatever her sexual orientation.

But maybe, just maybe, regardless of your job she just sees you as her mum. Her uncool, adult mum. And doesn't want to discuss her feelings with you yet.

I'm sure she will given time, assuming you at no point reveal you've been snooping on her.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 21:54

I haven't snooped on her.

Is there anywhere you can go online to discuss this without getting made to feel like an arsehole?

OP posts:
Champagneformyrealfriends · 10/03/2016 21:55

Be there for her by giving her space and letting her come to you when she wants to. I'm sure she'd be mortified that her mum and friends mum had been discussing her sexuality as if it was gossip fodder (I mean the friends mum not you-that's really riled me that she'd put you in that position).

messystressy · 10/03/2016 21:56

Given your DD's age, I also think you are being overbearing. You sound lovely and caring, but think you should just let your DD live her life and be supportive and loving....in the background. I know it must be hard, watching her go through such a huge thing and hurtful that she hasn't confided in you. But you are her parent, not her friend, and need to respect her privacy. Sounds all very normal to me.

candykane25 · 10/03/2016 21:58

I think for me from your post, my concern would be a 16yr old and a 22yr in a relationship, regardless of s duality.
As you don't know if they are in a relationship, I think you need to establish this first.
My dad asked my outright if I was sleeping with my first boyfriend. I answered honestly.
I would just ask her. Then you can be honest about how the relationship is between her and the 22Yo.

candykane25 · 10/03/2016 21:58

*sexuality

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 22:00

Sorry op, that wasn't my intention. You sound really caring and well intentioned.

However I do think that you need to wait until she comes to you. You say you have a great relationship with your daughter, which suggests that she will come to you when she feels ready to do so.

I'm sure it must be a bit of a shock to find that you don't know your daughter as well as you thought, but she may well be coming to terms with the idea that she doesn't know herself as well as she thought she did. So, and please don't take this badly, her not sharing this with you simply isn't about you. It's about her.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 10/03/2016 22:00

She may or may not be confused and may or may not be gay but it's something she needs to work out for herself. If you've worked with teens, you know that many will try on different personas to see how they fit.

Your DD sounds like a lovely girl who is working out who she is. I don't think you need to do anything really apart from make sure that she knows she has your support whatever choices she makes - but it sounds like you're already doing that.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:00

I have asked her and she says not and I also checked the woman out with the police and have met her (no one knows this).

How am I being over bearing? I haven't discussed any of this with my DD.

I saw friends mum last night and just feel in a bit of a black place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:01

Sorry DD knows I have met her - she stayed overnight recently and she's quite sweet and young for her age.

OP posts: