My DD

[Cutecat78]

Please be gentle with me I was going to post in LGBT but saw a poster in there earlier getting a pasting.

I have 3DC 2DS and 1DD. DD and I are very close in some ways I admit I always wanted a DD (she is DC2) and I could not have asked for a better daughter.

I work with teenagers (this is relevant) so am pretty familiar with their issues. DD is a very closed book when it comes to sex or anything personal. She did tell me when she had sex with her BF (after gentle prompting) and I took her to the GP to go on the pill.

She works hard (2 jobs and 6th form) she's kind and caring and funny and got a place on a course she wants to do next Sep. I adore her.

She was in a relationship with a boy she had been friends with since childhood for a year until a few months ago when she dumped him and became really secretive.

She has an (I think unhealthy) almost obsession with a pop singer who is a lesbian and has met a group of gay friends through a Twitter group who follow this singer (she has been to three concerts this year already). This singers music helped her through a hard time in her life when she was bullied at school.

DD doesn't know that I know but she has "come out" to a few of her friends. This has shocked me massively because I just never had any inkling that DD was confused or ever thought she was gay (I actually don't I think she's very confused about who she is).

On the surface we are close (my job involves discussing very intimate things with teens) but it's almost like she has this alter ego (secret Twitter account where she posts about women she wants "to bang" DD is not like that) but DD does not talk to me about how she is feeling.

I feel so lost not being able to be there for her and that she won't share this with me. Part of me thinks I should let her have her privacy but the other part of me feels like so am losing her. I have made friends with one particular girl who is older (22 - DD is nearly 17) who is openly Gay and allowed DD to stay at hers and she has stayed here but I am unsure what to do and I feel a bit alone and lost.

Has anyone else experienced this?

No one could doubt that you have your daughter's interests and well-being at heart ; you seem to have a good relationship with her which you risk jeopardising if you don't reign in your prying into her private life, because that is what you are doing. You are confusing your role as her mother with that of your job, 'discussing very intimate things with teens' and you need to stand back.

Imagine how she will feel when she discovers you are discussing her love life with her friends and their parents, and that you checked out a friend that she brought home and introduced to you, with the police.

Her life may be taking a route that you hadn't envisaged, but she is doing nothing wrong and you should allow her her privacy.

My mother was like this; she was only concerned for my welfare,but she wanted to know every detail of my life, opened my post, went through school bags and handbags, listened to my phone calls, sat in when friends came round, found out every detail about friends and activities, and was a past master in the art of asking leading questions. I had no privacy at home, gave up writing diaries and stories because she always found them and read them, hid more and more from her, didn't have a proper boyfriend until I was at college and became sly and secretive.

Please stand back from your daughter and let her come to you in her own time.

I checked out the friend before I met her - my DD was travelling to another city to meet her. I was being a responsible parent - It was a friendship with an older person which I knew nothing about.

I don't go through her bag, phone, room or anything else.

As a daughter, I can honestly say that my mother knew very little of my life as a teenager, and there are still big parts of my life that she is unaware of. That was the dynamics of our relationship, and once it has been established, it was nearly impossible to reverse. We have a much better relationship now than we had when I was a teenager (as is normal, I suspect), but there are some things that don't form part of it.

As a mother, it is different. My DD is only 6, and we have a very open and close relationship. I fully expect her to be more private and exclude me from some things as she gets older, but once it happens, I guess it will hurt.

OP - Maybe you should focus more on coming to terms with the changing dynamics of your relationship with her daughter, than obsessing about what she is doing. I would have felt massively betrayed if my mother went behind my back to find out stuff that I chose to not share with her.

Not telling you everything that goes on in her life isn't secrecy it's normal. Does any adult tell someone else everything that happens in their life/head? No we have different 'roles' for different people. It isn't an indicator of how good your relationship is with her.

You're her mum, not her best friend. She needs to just know you are there if she needs you. Maintain the 'rules' of your house - she still needs consistent boundaries, but let her be private if she needs to be.

Yes - she will act differently with her mates to how she is with you. As you work with kids surely you must recognise this? Even if her twitter/tumblr etc are public - it's probably best not to read them.

Back off and let her be. She is just trying to figure out who she is independently of the family home. She sounds pretty sorted to me - I think you have to trust that you have given her the skills she needs to become and adult and make choices about her own life.

to anyone who refers to a person as being "confused" by their own sexuality... I do hope if she ever speaks to you about this, you don't use that word. Sexuality is complex,fluid, it isn't rigidly black or white. So what if she wants to have a relationship with a woman this month and perhaps her next sexual partner is male, or another female.. It makes no difference to you does it? To your relationship? Trying to fit people within neatly labelled boxes to make ourselves feel more comfortable, so they conform to our own framework of understanding does more damage in my opinion than accepting them simply for who they are. My aunt had three LT relationships with women, and then met and fell in love with a a man. The outcry of "but you're a lesbian!!" caused quite a rift in our family. Put the Dynamo label maker away and let your daughter follow her own path, eh? Perhaps she hasn't spoken to you about it because she can't find the words that you would understand to express her sexuality. Just a thought from someone who likes "people", irrespective of what may or may not be found in their underwear

I "deal" with an LGBT charity at work actually which I think do a lot of damage to young people questioning their own sexuality - we live in a society where there is an expectation that you are one or the other and most people are not "fluid".

Twenty years ago there was no one openly gay at school - now this is not the case and is great - to have an expectation that society will accept that everyone is gender fluid is unrealistic and it's unrealistic to think that I am not going to have concerns over my own child and be like yeah whatever.

Cutecat78 just out of interest you say you have had 2 relationships with women yourself. Have you told your DD about this?

No.

We also live in a society that objectifies women through mainstream media - does not make it right and as a mother I would suggest that you would fight strongly against that influencing your daughter, I know I do.

Gender fluid is something different. Nothing to do with sexuality actually however, I understand societies reluctance to accept something outside of the norm.... I also learnt not to give a hoot. Other people's opinion of me, are their business not mine.

If you want your DD to open up to you maybe it's time to open up to her and tell her about your experiences?

Clearly you care about your daughter, but there's nothing to suggest she doesn't feel like she could come and talk to you if she wanted.
I just don't understand anyone's expectation that their sister /friends / daughter 'comes out'. Why is it necessary to declare your sexuality? Can't she just explore / figure it out.
I think you can just be there for her like you always have been. Her having secrets (like the concert example) isn't connected to her sexuality at all. Don't push her, don't 'ask' her, she owes you no explanation.

OP, my children are still young but I think it must be really hard when they grow up and start becoming more independent.

And that is what is happening here. I think the issue is that you have been very close and you yearn to remain close, especially for something as big as this. And it's making you very sad that she isn't sharing her feelings with you. But teenagers naturally want to become more independent of their parents - it doesn't mean that she loves you any less or trusts you any less. If you let her be, she will come to you in her own time.