My DD

[Cutecat78]

Please be gentle with me I was going to post in LGBT but saw a poster in there earlier getting a pasting.

I have 3DC 2DS and 1DD. DD and I are very close in some ways I admit I always wanted a DD (she is DC2) and I could not have asked for a better daughter.

I work with teenagers (this is relevant) so am pretty familiar with their issues. DD is a very closed book when it comes to sex or anything personal. She did tell me when she had sex with her BF (after gentle prompting) and I took her to the GP to go on the pill.

She works hard (2 jobs and 6th form) she's kind and caring and funny and got a place on a course she wants to do next Sep. I adore her.

She was in a relationship with a boy she had been friends with since childhood for a year until a few months ago when she dumped him and became really secretive.

She has an (I think unhealthy) almost obsession with a pop singer who is a lesbian and has met a group of gay friends through a Twitter group who follow this singer (she has been to three concerts this year already). This singers music helped her through a hard time in her life when she was bullied at school.

DD doesn't know that I know but she has "come out" to a few of her friends. This has shocked me massively because I just never had any inkling that DD was confused or ever thought she was gay (I actually don't I think she's very confused about who she is).

On the surface we are close (my job involves discussing very intimate things with teens) but it's almost like she has this alter ego (secret Twitter account where she posts about women she wants "to bang" DD is not like that) but DD does not talk to me about how she is feeling.

I feel so lost not being able to be there for her and that she won't share this with me. Part of me thinks I should let her have her privacy but the other part of me feels like so am losing her. I have made friends with one particular girl who is older (22 - DD is nearly 17) who is openly Gay and allowed DD to stay at hers and she has stayed here but I am unsure what to do and I feel a bit alone and lost.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Sorry OP but you need to wait for her to come to you.

What you do for a living is irrelevant. Saying something to a complete stranger and having them potentially judge you is completely different to saying to your own mum.

I've suffered from bad MH problems. I've told my past therapists things that I wouldn't tell my Mum in a million years- because she is that. My Mum. Somethings I don't want to tell her to protect her, because i'm afraid of her judging me and some things because I just like it to be my business and not have her discuss it every 5 minutes. We aren't close but if the "wheel fell off" so to speak it would be her i'd go to first.

I don't think your being overbearing- your confused because you have a close relationship and don't understand why she won't open to you about these things but it is up to her to come to you. It doesn't mean she is confused it just means she is waiting until she is ready to talk to you about it.

I think it is absolutely right to want to protect a 16/17 year old, at that age young people are not as worldly as they think they are and some of their choices may not be appropriate for them.

OP why don't you just tell her that you've heard that she has told others that she's gay but she has told you that she's not so you're confused.

Flying

I see your point. Thankyou.

I think I know that really in my head maybe I just needed to be told it

This is as gentle as I can manage.

IF she wants you to know, she will tell you in her own time. Just because she's confided in you before doesn't mean that she's compelled to tell you all her secrets forever.

It is extremely damaging to young LGBT people to insist that they are "just confused" and "not really gay." Believe me on this, I spent my late teens and early twenties believing people who said this to me and I would not recommend it. I ended up a hell of a lot more confused from trying to "get over" my "phase" than I would have done otherwise.

It's possible that she's exploring her sexuality and will end up in an opposite sex relationship, which is what many people do - the ones whose trusted adults have dismissed this as "they haven't really been gay"

If it IS exploration and she's not "really" gay (or not permanently attracted to other women, as sexuality can be fluid for many people) then really what's the problem with that? Would it be SO awful for your child to have a same sex experience? So much more awful than an opposite sex experience? Because that is what we call homophobia.

The other thing that we call homophobia is the presumption that gay people are sexual predators. Just saying.

I think the problem might be you. She tells you that she has, most definitely, had sex with a male and you take her to the GP and put her on the pill, then she has a sleepover with a lesbian where you don't know whether there was so much as a kiss and you call the police?? You must see there's a double standard there. Surely.

If your daughter's gay then it is not a big deal and she'll tell you when she's ready.

If she's not then let her experiment in privacy.

I phoned the police before she had a sleepover - Her boyfriend was the same age as her.

I am her parent at the end of the day. If she was friends with a 22 he old guy she had met through a Twitter group I would also be highly concerned.

I work is a field obsessed with CSE.

I disagree with a lot of what you say Laura.

I think the grooming concern is about age difference, not sexuality.

Yes totally candy

Hi Cutecat I am gay and so might be able to help get in your daughter's head.

Thinking back to when I was 17 I would have found it really difficult to come out to my mum even though we are close. I didn't tell my Mum until I was 25 when I had my first proper GF, the reason being that coming out is a lot easier if you are saying 'I have a girlfriend' rather than saying 'I think I fancy women' (which is quite frankly embarrassing, especially saying it to your mum).

I cannot tell you how relieved I was when my Mum said it was fine and didn't give me a hard time.

I would be pleased that your dd has close gay friends, as it means she will have support if she does some out as gay. She may also just be experimenting too - 17 pretty young to decide 100% either way.

Btw I am married to a lovely woman and have a DD of my own. Being gay has never caused me any problems in life. Quite the opposite :)

Can I just asked if it was a 22 year old boy would you have checked him out with the police too?

I have already said I would ....

Thanks Daimbar

Your welcome CuteCat.

I stand by what I said and I don't think your overreacting. Your just trying to protect your DD.

While your DD is still relatively young (i'm not much older than her myself- i'm early 20s) and she will always be your "baby" she is approaching adulthood and she is entitled to her own privacy.

It can be bloody tough finding ways to say things to your parents sometimes. Mine aren't very understanding anyway but it is tough for whatever reason. There are things as I said I wouldn't tell them in a million years- but if I was gay and had a partner it would be a couple of months before I would feel comfortable telling them but I would probably openly discuss it with co workers, friends etc- because at the end of the day I wouldn't care half a shit if they judged me for it.

It will only make things worse if you go to her with this and tell her that somebody told you because:

a) it will make her wonder who she can trust
b) it will make it a lot more awkward for her.
c) you won't be told much about her in the future

I can understand it is difficult but wait and be understanding. It might be a "phase" but all you can do is support her and let her find her own path in life and be there to pick her up if she falls.

Good luck- if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

I'd wait until she comes to you too - she could just be exploring who she is/what she likes and doesn't want it to be something set in stone...

Yes - last time when I mentioned it she went apeshit about not trusting.

I know she is exploring who she is. It's difficult as a mum I guess and I remember being is a bad place as a teen and not being able to tell my mum because I knew I would be in trouble.

I would hate for her to feel like that.

I think a lot of you are being heavy handed with the OP, she's said several times that it was the age difference with the 22 year old that worried her and not her sexual orientation, so trying to bash her for homophobia is cruel. Our children will have and need to have private lives and that means that some things, often really important things, will be kept from us. It's hard though, because even though you know that really Cutecat, it still doesn't seem fair when it happens! I think your friend was out of order to tell you what your DD had confided to friends. It really wasn't her place to do that, and she should have respected her privacy. Let your DD find her own way, and be there in the background, so that when she's ready to talk you're ready to listen. You can't hurry that process, your DD needs to be allowed to set the pace and call the shots. Relax! Continue to let her know you love her and she'll come to you when she's ready.

I'm twice your daughter's age and my mum only knows I've had sex (probably) because I've got a baby. You sound like a nice mum, and I expect if I was someone else's child you might be good to talk to. I can see why it might be different for your own daughter. Give her some space, what and see what happens.

Wait not what

Then think back OP and remember how YOU wanted the situation to go.

It must be equally difficult because you must deal with this sort of thing all the time but it's completely different when it's your own DD. You do honestly have my sympathy.

for you.

Is it Lucy Spraggan she likes?

She's 16. Loads of 16 year olds explore their sexuality. I was dead confused at 16, I had all these feelings for boys and girls and no idea what to do with them. At 24 I am comfortably pansexual but this is not something I would tell my mum unless I was in a serious relationship with another girl. She'd freak out so I think it's better all round this way. I only tell her about my serious relationships full stop tbh, certainly I don't tell her about people I've essentially just been sleeping with.

As for the 22 year old, I've had older friends all my life. When I was 17 I had friends who were in their 30s and these are friends I still have. Would you have the same suspicions if she was straight? If she's in a relationship with another girl I strongly suspect her and your DD have a bit of a mentoring relationship going on. Being a gay or not-entirely straight teenager is really hard. She'll tell you in her own time.

I'm sure it isn't a case that she feels she can't. I think perhaps your own personal history is making you extra sensitive to this?

I'm 27 and married with a baby. As far as my mum is concerned I've only ever had sex with my husband (and only admit to that because baby is living proof), she doesn't know the ins and outs of my sex life. She never met a single one of my previous partners, male or female.

We are close and get on really well. But sex life is not something we discuss.

• "this" = her being so private

I have been in a very similar position.

DD1 had a couple of boyfriends during 6th form.. she went on the pill too. What I didn't know, until she 'came out' at 20 was that she was a lesbian, always had been..and knew from the age of about 14 for sure. But though she talked about anything and everything..as did her siblings, I had no real idea about her personal life.. she was very private about that.

She knew we wouldn't care..we have always made it clear to our children that we really REALLY didn't care who they loved as long as they were in loving and kind relationships, but she wasn't READY to be who she was until then.

And I had no idea (tho in retrospect she had photos of Santana from Glee on her wall, while her sister had Puck.. ) and she didn't meet my ridiculous mental stereotype...still doesn't and neither does her beautiful partner!

If she's gay.. she's gay. It's not an all or nothing deal and she HAS to be able to find her way without being expected to share anything with her mother. She has total right to her privacy and her secrecy and hard though it is, you have to just manage your anxieties alone..they are yours not hers, and you must not burden her with them.

DD1 was a happier person when she did come out, and joined the gay community at Uni... met some fabulous friends, and is now very happily settled (she's 24) with a lovely girl.

Your daughter is very unlikely to be 'confused' at all... from the lovely times I have spent with DD1's medic gay friends, they all KNEW ...they just weren't ready to say.

Just giver her space!

So if dd one day has a friendship with an older girl/boy I can ring the police and ask if she/he's a problem teen/twenty something or known to them and they would tell me?

Confused. Genuinely - not a dig.

If there is more than a 4 yr age gap, they are under 18 and you have genuine reason to think they are being groomed or sexually exploited yes.