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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD

137 replies

Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 21:33

Please be gentle with me I was going to post in LGBT but saw a poster in there earlier getting a pasting.

I have 3DC 2DS and 1DD. DD and I are very close in some ways I admit I always wanted a DD (she is DC2) and I could not have asked for a better daughter.

I work with teenagers (this is relevant) so am pretty familiar with their issues. DD is a very closed book when it comes to sex or anything personal. She did tell me when she had sex with her BF (after gentle prompting) and I took her to the GP to go on the pill.

She works hard (2 jobs and 6th form) she's kind and caring and funny and got a place on a course she wants to do next Sep. I adore her.

She was in a relationship with a boy she had been friends with since childhood for a year until a few months ago when she dumped him and became really secretive.

She has an (I think unhealthy) almost obsession with a pop singer who is a lesbian and has met a group of gay friends through a Twitter group who follow this singer (she has been to three concerts this year already). This singers music helped her through a hard time in her life when she was bullied at school.

DD doesn't know that I know but she has "come out" to a few of her friends. This has shocked me massively because I just never had any inkling that DD was confused or ever thought she was gay (I actually don't I think she's very confused about who she is).

On the surface we are close (my job involves discussing very intimate things with teens) but it's almost like she has this alter ego (secret Twitter account where she posts about women she wants "to bang" DD is not like that) but DD does not talk to me about how she is feeling.

I feel so lost not being able to be there for her and that she won't share this with me. Part of me thinks I should let her have her privacy but the other part of me feels like so am losing her. I have made friends with one particular girl who is older (22 - DD is nearly 17) who is openly Gay and allowed DD to stay at hers and she has stayed here but I am unsure what to do and I feel a bit alone and lost.

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 22:01

You checked the woman out with the police? Can you elaborate on that because I don't understand what you mean.

HamaTime · 10/03/2016 22:01

I would rather rip my arms off than have a conversation about who I'd like to fuck, and how, with my mother. Maybe you just need to accept that she has boundaries that aren't quite as wide as you'd like and that isn't a reflection on your relationship.

I do think it's odd that a 22 year old would have a 'sleepover' at the parental home of a 16yo.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 10/03/2016 22:02

You had her checked out by the police? Sorry, what do you mean exactly?

HamaTime · 10/03/2016 22:03

How am I being over bearing?

Because you think her private sexual fantasies are your business.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:03

Yeah I panicked a bit when I found out she was hanging out with a 22 yr old and phoned them to ask if there were any concerns about her grooming etc. There weren't and the girl is in a relationship with someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:05

Seriously - I don't want to know about her "sexual fantasies" Hmm.

I want her to know I am here for her and I don't want to think she is struggling with anything she can't tell me or would feel I would be disappointed. I want her to know I love her whatever.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 22:05

I think that does quite nearly illustrate that you're being a bit overbearing.

That was the point where you should have spoken to your daughter, not called the police.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 22:06

She knows that op and doesn't want to talk to you about it yet, clearly.

You need to accept that and wait until she does.

Stinkerbelle37 · 10/03/2016 22:06

No idea, but just wanted to say you don't sound at all overbearing to me. It's the secrecy isn't it? It wouldn't matter what the issue was, it's the need for secrecy and excluding your parents that must be hurtful and hard to understand. Sadly I think it's part of growing up. Not looking forward to it though.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:06

I did speak to her and she refused to speak to me about it.

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Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:07

My 16 yr old daughter was hanging around with a 22 yr old - I don't care if it's a bloke or a woman - it raised my concerns.

OP posts:
Narp · 10/03/2016 22:08

You would have no idea of what she says to her friends if it weren't for social media. Try and think of it that way - she is entitled to a private life. It's normal and it doesn't mean you aren't close. But you are ghee mum, not her friend. 0 and exploring this stuff with you is not necessarily going to be her priority now she is 17

Narp · 10/03/2016 22:08

her mum - not 'ghee' mum

zzzzz · 10/03/2016 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HamaTime · 10/03/2016 22:10

it's almost like she has this alter ego (secret Twitter account where she posts about women she wants "to bang" DD is not like that) but DD does not talk to me about how she is feeling

I don't know what the Hmm face is for. You are reading her (secret) twitter account and complaining that she isn't talking to you about women she wants to bang. I think not telling your mother who you want to fuck is developmentally normal.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:11

Its not just social media she's told two friends who have told her "best" friend whose mum told me (we are friends) her ex b/f messaged me when they split up as he was concerned about the friendship with the older girl.

I feel a bit worried she's confiding in people she cannot trust and best friend obvs hurt that DD hasn't confused in her.

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candykane25 · 10/03/2016 22:12

In that case, she knows you are interested in her, she knows you care, so let it unfold and be there for her if she comes to you.
I wouldn't ever tell her you checked with the police though, as she'll think you don't trust her judgement.
And however you did that at least you've been reassured about the grooming thing.
Show her you have faith in her and she'll have faith in you.

thecatfromjapan · 10/03/2016 22:12

'Cha' might have been better for this.

Narp · 10/03/2016 22:12

I just don't think it's your business to know the ins and outs of this.

Can you remember being 16-nearly-17?

theycallmemellojello · 10/03/2016 22:13

I didn't mean to be horrible by saying you are overbearing. Just that the fact is that 17 year olds have their own sexual identities which they are in most cases not going to want to discuss with their parents! Just leave her to get on with it, don't discuss her sexuality with her friends parents, don't check her social media, just be supportive and there for her in a way she's comfortable with. She sounds perfectly normal to me.

HPsauciness · 10/03/2016 22:13

I can understand why you are concerned, especially if she still lives at home. At 16, nearly 17 they are in a funny place, an adult for the purposes of sexual activity (with the opposite sex at least, no age limit on female same sex anyway is there?) but also still dependent on you for housing, money, as well as emotionally in some ways.

It sounds like you feel like your dd has left you out of this big huge news, and you are worrying that this reflects badly on your relationship. I'm not sure it does. I never told my mum anything, literally nothing, about starting to have sex or any people I slept with, I just couldn't bring myself to mention it and I can't imagine how the conversation would have gone. I know other teens who are different to that and do talk about all that stuff, but it's interesting you have conversations with them on a professional basis- I bet a lot of the teens you work with tell you a heck of a lot more than they tell their mum.

As for if she's confused, bi, gay, something else, I think you have to stop trying to pigeonhole her here- why should she not experiment or even know quite firmly what she does and doesn't like? You must know that many boys talk about 'banging' such and such celeb, why is your dd not also allowed to express her desire to have sex with this celeb or that.

I might say to her- you know everything you write is on a public account don't you, and leave it at that.

I wouldn't start trying to convince her she's confused, she may well have worked out her confusion and be actually quite certain of what's going on. Even if she's not, this is the time to have questions and try different things. I don't regret this myself, but I have quite a few friends who wish they'd followed their interest in exploring their sexuality while they had the chance rather than just following the monogamous hetero path they went down as that's what was expected.

You just sound worried and anxious and haven't got anywhere to let this out, really, it does all sound jumbled up and perhaps you need to work out what is really upsetting you deep down.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 22:13

You're not taking on board everybody's advice to back off and let her come to you at all.

This is will end badly if you push the issue with her.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:13

I have not looked at her Twitter - I told her is was public (friends mum saw it and told me) we had a little joke about it and she made it private.

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Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 22:16

I don't feel left out of the "big news" I guess I don't want to hear it via friends mum.

I do remember being 16 yes - kicked out of home and homeless with no one.

Probably why I panic a bit about her.

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VoldysGoneMouldy · 10/03/2016 22:16

Did you tell your mum who you wanted to shag at 17?

Come on. You're over reacting.

And you're completely disregarding how she feels to say she's just confused.