My DD

[Cutecat78]

Please be gentle with me I was going to post in LGBT but saw a poster in there earlier getting a pasting.

I have 3DC 2DS and 1DD. DD and I are very close in some ways I admit I always wanted a DD (she is DC2) and I could not have asked for a better daughter.

I work with teenagers (this is relevant) so am pretty familiar with their issues. DD is a very closed book when it comes to sex or anything personal. She did tell me when she had sex with her BF (after gentle prompting) and I took her to the GP to go on the pill.

She works hard (2 jobs and 6th form) she's kind and caring and funny and got a place on a course she wants to do next Sep. I adore her.

She was in a relationship with a boy she had been friends with since childhood for a year until a few months ago when she dumped him and became really secretive.

She has an (I think unhealthy) almost obsession with a pop singer who is a lesbian and has met a group of gay friends through a Twitter group who follow this singer (she has been to three concerts this year already). This singers music helped her through a hard time in her life when she was bullied at school.

DD doesn't know that I know but she has "come out" to a few of her friends. This has shocked me massively because I just never had any inkling that DD was confused or ever thought she was gay (I actually don't I think she's very confused about who she is).

On the surface we are close (my job involves discussing very intimate things with teens) but it's almost like she has this alter ego (secret Twitter account where she posts about women she wants "to bang" DD is not like that) but DD does not talk to me about how she is feeling.

I feel so lost not being able to be there for her and that she won't share this with me. Part of me thinks I should let her have her privacy but the other part of me feels like so am losing her. I have made friends with one particular girl who is older (22 - DD is nearly 17) who is openly Gay and allowed DD to stay at hers and she has stayed here but I am unsure what to do and I feel a bit alone and lost.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Lemony, I guess I'd really want my DD or DS to know whatever sexuality they are that it doesn't make any difference to me, that I just want them to be happy, I am always here for support, practical help, anything.

Surely, there's sometimes an element of being frightened to tell your parents of you are gay? I wouldn't want my kids to think that for one minute.

I also understand its odd to discuss intimate details of your sex life but if you are gay or bisexual it is quite a key thing to be open about with your mum?

So you wouldn't be concerned if your DD (16) was in a relationship with a 22 year old?

Sometimes it IS scary to tell your parents things- maybe your embarassed, maybe your scared of being judged, maybe you just want it to be your business.

That is in regard to anything. I suffered in silence with my MH for years before I opened up to my parents about it- I ended up having a breakdown on travelling to a family holiday and all my parents could do was blame me for ruining their holiday. Sure my Mum rang the doctor the next day- but she never has understood and she has always blamed me "for ruining what would of been a lovely holiday". I didn't ever expect my parents to act like that.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what people say- you tell them when YOUR ready not when they are.

Obviously it depends on the nature and scale of the lies, but isn't it developmentally typical for 16 year olds to occasionally lie to their parents, to keep them at bay? Don't children this age need to start holding their parents at arm's length, to keep things private?

I hate the concept of 'confused' in this context - it's used so often about teens having same sex relationships, almost never about heterosexuals. It's really not for anyone else, not even a mother, to think they know what someone's sexuality is really, and that the young person must be 'confused'. When I was a gay teen, I found it so undermining to be constantly told (mainly by my mother's well-meaning friends) that they knew about these things and I wasn't 'really' a lesbian, that my first real love affair was just silly adolescent experimentation that older, wiser women than I had left behind at school.

Anyway, OP, not meaning to give you a hard time, just a gentle shake. I think you (understandably) take great pride in your ability to communicate with teens, and in your good relationship with your own teen, and being pushed away from this is very painful for you. I get that. But it really is your problem, not your child's. And I do find the trotting off to the police thing slightly odd.

It's really normal for young adults to have their own things going on. They don't feel the need to share everything with parents. The best you can do is be accepting and supportive. Yes keep one eye on her safety but really she has to start making decisions for herself without parental input

So you wouldn't be concerned if your DD (16) was in a relationship with a 22 year old?

Of course I bloody would - and I'd be keeping a close eye on it.

Mine heaven't reached 16 yet but I can't see saying no you can't see them would work - I wouldn't want lies and sneaking round encouraged. I would ask a few questions meet the 22 year old and make sure my children knew they could talk to us.

In this case though I think the 22 year old has a girl friend and they aren't dating as such so I'd keep an eye on everything as usual.

Phew, there's lots of food for thought in this thread, it's helped me see things a bit differently.

I really hope your DD is OK OP. I would be concerned about the age gap, all you can do, I guess is keep an eye and maybe say to your DD that you're here for her for anything and that you'll have your 'mum' hat on and not your 'job' hat?

Flying that's awful. I hope you are OK now and getting support.

17 seems to be an age people on MN see as quite mature. If it was 16 with a 21 year old, how would people feel?

It's normal for kids to have some private life away from parents. She's exploring her identity which is normal. She needs to learn to make decisions and find her own way. As long as you support and accept her and keep a quiet eye on her safety, your relationship will continue to develop

Thankyou Iwant. It was 6 years ago but the main point im making is that I havent forgot about it, never will and im especially careful about what I divulge to my parents.

Lemony, no, of course not. You have just given me another way from looking at things. You speak from experience.

I'm glad you still call your mum, it shows that you love her and need her but just not for all personal matters.

I'm trying to prepare myself for the future where I have to let go, little but little.

And for what it's worth, I didn't tell my mum ANYTHING, from about 15-19. Now, there's no holds barred! That's probably because I'm a mum and you can begin to see things from her perspective.

If she's exploring a different side to her sexuality, she may not be able to properly communicate it to you yet. She may not have it all figured out herself.

I'm going to be very flippant now and say that I think I'd be kind of relieved if my teenage DD showed more interest towards girls than boys! No teen pregnancy, very little risk of STIs, very low domestic abuse stats, much less chance of reputation bashing...

But really, it's lovely that you want to be there for her. Just tell her that you won't push, but you're there if and when she wants to talk to you.

I'm thinking because of your job and your openness re lgbt she might actually be worried you'd shout it from the rooftops proudly! Not saying you would but then 16 yr olds aren't known for their sound judgment or assessment of how others will react are they? And she's not ready for that.

I'm bi and only told my mum at 40! But then she's catholic and I knew she'd struggle with it which she has.

I need to readjust what my vision of her future was for me only own head.

My own head.

Cutecat78 First of all I think you sound like a lovely and caring mum.

I have tried to read all your posts but may have missed something so if anything I say doesn't sound helpful, it probably isn't - so ignore it!

It sounds like a few factors are playing into this one from your own experiences.

Sorry if this is all too obvious.

Firstly, your experience of being thrown out of home at an early age, your own family were not suitablly there for you and you want to make sure your dd knows this is not the case with you. I expect your dd knows all this and if you feel you need to make this clear to her, maybe do it in a very careful way. Make sure you plan in lots of 'fun' or 'normal' times when you are not talking about anything that could be 'issues'.

Partly, I kind of think we need to 'earn' the right to pass on some messages to our kids, because they can't always hear what we have to say! It's a bit like the government saying beef on the bone is safe or isn't safe, we tend to ignore it, but if we saw a top politician eating beef on the bone, we would eat it too (showing my age with that one!).

Another thing that may be affecting your feelings about this is the fact you work with teens and I am sure you have all the skills to do this job. But (and I know you know this!) to your own child you are very much 'mum' and that means she won't feel the freedom necessarily to tell you things those you meet in a professional capacity will feel.

Lastly, I wonder if a feature may be that clearly you very much adore your dd (I do too, so I get where you are coming from - and I am sure everyone else does too).

You especially wanted a daughter, did that mean you had any preconceived ideas about what that may mean? I very much wanted a daughter (I know people may dislike the idea that some of us have or had a preference but I did! I now have a daughter and a son - and love them both). But when dd was born, my first (and only birth child) I might have had some preconceived ideas about what that meant! Despite being a feminist it is hard not to try and figure out some things about your child ahead of time, and these things may not work out quite as we imagine. My dd is what some may call a 'tom boy' (hate that term!) and I had to accept she was not into frilly dresses and the like.

I know on one level you have said you will be totally OK if she is gay, but could it be this could be an area of disconnect between you and her if it is the case, and that is one thing that is making you feel uneasy about this?

These are just ideas, please ignore whatever I've said that is unhelpful.

I really hope your dd will confide in you at the time that is right for her and you will be patient and find the right ways to be the lovely mum you are for her in this and every situation for her.

Is there anywhere you can go online to discuss this without getting made to feel like an arsehole?

Mumsnet AIBU was the worst option.

it sounds to me that you want your dd to open up and talk to you like the teenagers you work with but the teenagers can talk to you cos your NOT their mom.
the alter ego bit, well thats normal for a teenager they act all sensible infront of you they dont want you to know what they really up to, its the part of her life she doesnt want you in
you need to take a step back , you have a good relationship with your dd she knows she can turn to you if she as any worries

OP

I apologise for using the phrase 'none of your business' yesterday; it was crass.

I can see how worried you are and how painful it feels that she seems to be changing.

But I think that it is developmentally normal for he to not confide in you and to be trying out other ways of communicating to her friends

And I agree with Italiangreyhound

On an age basis a relationship between a 16 year old and 22 year old would concern me, the difference at that stage in your life is huge in terms of experience. At 16 many teenagers are unsure about the direction their life is taking and I think they need to cautious, convincing them of this is hard. There is nothing wrong with offering that advice, though whether they listen is another issue. What I think most parents want is to prevent their children making big mistakes that affect the rest of their life.