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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD

137 replies

Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 21:33

Please be gentle with me I was going to post in LGBT but saw a poster in there earlier getting a pasting.

I have 3DC 2DS and 1DD. DD and I are very close in some ways I admit I always wanted a DD (she is DC2) and I could not have asked for a better daughter.

I work with teenagers (this is relevant) so am pretty familiar with their issues. DD is a very closed book when it comes to sex or anything personal. She did tell me when she had sex with her BF (after gentle prompting) and I took her to the GP to go on the pill.

She works hard (2 jobs and 6th form) she's kind and caring and funny and got a place on a course she wants to do next Sep. I adore her.

She was in a relationship with a boy she had been friends with since childhood for a year until a few months ago when she dumped him and became really secretive.

She has an (I think unhealthy) almost obsession with a pop singer who is a lesbian and has met a group of gay friends through a Twitter group who follow this singer (she has been to three concerts this year already). This singers music helped her through a hard time in her life when she was bullied at school.

DD doesn't know that I know but she has "come out" to a few of her friends. This has shocked me massively because I just never had any inkling that DD was confused or ever thought she was gay (I actually don't I think she's very confused about who she is).

On the surface we are close (my job involves discussing very intimate things with teens) but it's almost like she has this alter ego (secret Twitter account where she posts about women she wants "to bang" DD is not like that) but DD does not talk to me about how she is feeling.

I feel so lost not being able to be there for her and that she won't share this with me. Part of me thinks I should let her have her privacy but the other part of me feels like so am losing her. I have made friends with one particular girl who is older (22 - DD is nearly 17) who is openly Gay and allowed DD to stay at hers and she has stayed here but I am unsure what to do and I feel a bit alone and lost.

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 23:10

I didn't ring I went to the police station.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2016 23:12

But you've said twice already that you rang the police station?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 23:15

Did I?

I apologise I didn't ring them - I went in.

OP posts:
LemonySmithit · 10/03/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 10/03/2016 23:15

This thread upsets me, I have primary and early secondary kids, I won't get to 17 and stop worrying or want to be involved in huge parts of their life.

If she lives in your house, you are faced with the worry every day but you're not allowed to be involved in her personal life?

I read this all the time on here and I don't understand it.

The OP is concerned about her child, however old she is, that's the way it is. She is not 25, she's 17 and is very impressionable.

For what it's worth, I was a very mature teenager, I started working full time in London at 16, moved out and got engaged at 18, it was a horrendous relationship and if I'd confided in my mum, it would have saved me a lot of trauma.

17 yr olds still need a guiding and supporting role model and you can't do this if they aren't sharing with you huge, important parts of their life.

Also, although we are (thank god) becoming much more tolerant of all walks of life, it's still hard for a young, gay person, particularly if this awarnenes is new for her? The OP will be concerned about this too.

I would also worry about the age gap.

Good luck OP. I hope you are able to find a way to stop worrying without her feeling you're encroaching on her personal life. You clearly love your daughter dearly and just want her to be OK.

vvviola · 10/03/2016 23:18

OP, another perspective. My DM was a counsellor. Worked with families having various issues. Knew all the potential pitfalls for teenagers. My friends adored her (because she appeared unshockable), their parents loved her (because they figured the kids could go to her if necessary), I told her very little - because it made me feel like a "client"/"problem"/"work". I was constantly watching out for her "using her techniques on me".

She came through for me when I really needed her, but I didn't include her in much of the day to day angst of my teens and 20s. Could it be that your work is one of the reasons your daughter isn't sharing? She wants to keep her relationship with you seperate from what it is you do?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 23:18

She's 16 - not 17.

I do not think just because she has had sex with a man she is not gay Grin

I am usually very good at picking it up at work that's all.

And I have had two relationships with women myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 23:20

vvviola

I hadn't thought about it like that Sad

OP posts:
LemonySmithit · 10/03/2016 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 10/03/2016 23:22

Apologies, she's 16, not 17.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 23:28

I don't think I'm entitled to know no.

I am just concerned about my DD because I love her.

OP posts:
LemonySmithit · 10/03/2016 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 23:31

The secrecy concerns me.

She has lied to me about several things.

OP posts:
IWantToLiveInPawnee · 10/03/2016 23:33

Why not? Are you saying (I'm not being goady, just genuinely curious) are there no 16 yr old girls out there who wouldn't want their mum's guidance if she offered it?

I am possibly being naive, but I am can see my kids confiding in me with this part of their life?

LemonySmithit · 10/03/2016 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 10/03/2016 23:34

That was to lemony

HexU · 10/03/2016 23:34

IWantToLiveInPawnee I'm not sure people are saying don't worry as much as be careful how to approach. The more you push and offer judgement like she's confused the less likely they may be to confide anything to you.

Plus I'm not sure parents are in best place to judge.

My parents have been all over my siblings boy and girl friends who have left them usually much worse off - my DH they insisted wasn't serious - 20 + years together 10 married and 3 kids. DH is a good husband but when ever we do have trouble my Mum can drip poison upshot is she knows very little about my life - less ammunition. I think it's less about DH and more about their view of me and where they imagined life would take me.

I was first GF MIL met - so she'd gone round telling everyone that he was gay Hmm he never has been. We actively tired for children - she told everyone they were all accidents as we'd said nothing to her about trying which I think would have been bloody odd but other couples do announce - least one in the family bitterly regrets as they have fertility problems and every family meeting MIL asks.

I would be worried about age gap - and would be keeping a weather eye on it. I wouldn't have gone to police as that seems extreme and plus people aren't always caught or haven't done things before. Better to watch and keep communication open.

Plus it easier to talk to people outside the family - which OP does for other teenagers partly because they won't be bringing up stuff 20 + plus years from now and often don't have such fixed view of who you are.

LemonySmithit · 10/03/2016 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 10/03/2016 23:35

She said she was going to a concert a long way away with a friend but went alone.

OP posts:
candykane25 · 10/03/2016 23:35

I do feel sorry for you on this thread for some of the posts, OP.
You are seeking constructive advice.
You are being honest.
And you are not seeking an argument.
You don't know who to talk to about the thoughts going round your head.
Your intention is to support your daughter.
You've not been in this situation before so you are winging it and not an expert.
I hope some of the constructive posts are helpful to you.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 10/03/2016 23:36

Teenagers are secretive. Hell im 28, married and 9 months pregnant and I don't tell my mum everything. Unless you think she's in danger I'd try and relax. You seem like a great mum and a lovely person op.

LemonySmithit · 10/03/2016 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 10/03/2016 23:38

I think my kids are too young for me to even imagine this, I'm still in the wiping noses, reading stories and playing with loom bands and Star Wars to imagine a time where any of them don't come running to me for EVERYTHING.

I'm very protective of my kids (I think some would say overprotective) and I going to have to learn quickly how to let go, gently.

It doesn't get easier as they get older, does it?

MrsWigster1991 · 10/03/2016 23:38

If the op had stated her 16 yr old DD was going out with a 22yr old man and having sleepovers MN would go ape. But because the OP said it's a 22yr old woman she's deemed snoopy?

This wouldn't happen in my house I'm afraid.

HexU · 10/03/2016 23:42

Why not? Are you saying (I'm not being goady, just genuinely curious) are there no 16 yr old girls out there who wouldn't want their mum's guidance if she offered it?

There might be - but it depends on all the personalities involved and the relationship as it's probably much more likely if the teenagers decide they want parents advice rather than parents demanding they are talked to.

I don't think most teenagers want to talk to their parents about sex or who they fancy and why.

My MIL asks questions about DH and I sex life - did when he was 20 and I was 18/19 both of us thought it was none of her business. Plus she'd gossip about it to others and not see an issue.

If your not sure about your sexuality last thing I think you'd want is people weight in and telling you how you feel. I found at that age I was told a lot about how I should think or feel on many matters I never found it helpful though I'm sure all the adults doing it had best of intentions.