To think you shouldn't take time off work for a deceased pet?

[ImogenTubbs]

Woman in my team (quite new, very young) went home at lunchtime yesterday because her family pet had been put down (it was old, she lives with her parents). She has now just said she wants to 'work from home' today because she is so upset.

I had a pet, so I get it, but AIBU to think this is not on, and unfair on the rest of the team?

The latter OnlyLovers

I used to work from home and you just knew that people often said it with a sneer.

If you feel so strongly, force her to come in and then she can spend the day bursting into tears and being unable to cope. You will probably get more out of her by allowing her to WFH. It took me over a year to get over the loss of one dog I had. I would start crying at work if something happened to remind me of her. To put that into perspective I'm a grumpy old so and so, and some people are scared of me. Not a soppy teenager type.

There have been times in the last 12 (nearly) years when I have seriously felt that my lovely Labrador was the only real friend I had around me on a regular basis.

I hate being asked to compare it to the loss of a close human friend or family member. Both are profound losses.

I have elderly parents and elderly pets. I do not want to think of life without any of them, but realistically I know that none will go on forever and that time will come.

Nobody can tell people how and when they should grieve, or how much.

Private, look at it this way. When you're an adult, you probably do learn to distance yourself a bit. You learn that a hamster will die, you will be upset, but you will move on. You know that a hamster will usually only live for 2 or 3 years and if you're 30, you know that's a small fraction of your life to date.

If you're 6 that hamster could have been around for 1/3 of your life, or pretty much all of it that you remember. And all of this is new. You haven't yet worked out that actually you will get over these things and find ways to deal with them.

Bit like when you're a teenager and split up with someone and it's the end of the world. Later on, you realise it really wasn't.

Regarding the surgeon/barrister- they could need a day off for all manner of reasons. They might be hit by a bus on the way to work. There's probably systems in place to cover or rebook the op or court case. Would be a massive fail if there wasn't, really.

Of course there are. For the surgeon, either the operation would be put off, potentially for months or, if it couldn't be, someone junior would take over. For the barrister, the likelihood is that another barrister would have to take over at short notice despite having no prior knowledge of the case and having never met the client before.

The point is, if someone is hit by a bus those are necessary evils. If it was your health and life at stake, or your child care case, would you really be happy to take that hit? Or would you feel that, if someone is in a job with such high stakes, they should be capable of compartmentalising their grief for a pet and getting on with the job?

I've had recentish experience both of a much loved cat and a much loved relative dying. I took no time off for the cat, while I took a week for the relative plus the funeral and the day after. In both cases, whilst I dreaded the thought of going in to work, I found that I could function without dissolving into tears all the time because in effect I slipped into work persona and put my grief aside temporarily. It's not great, but if people are relying on you it's what you do.

I was 12 when I lost my grandad and had five days off school, including two before he actually died (was in hospital on life support)
I also took three months off college after my dad's death.
I've even had days off school after being dumped
Maybe I'm just quite a sensitive soul

Some people get upset when a relative dies. Some people don't. Some people get upset when a pet dies. Some people don't. Unless she is a serial piss taker, and from your original post I think not, yabvu, and it really is none of your business!

Exit, yes, I agree, people often say it with implied air quotes. I work for myself, at home, and I know people sometimes think I've got a cushy number.

sarah a week off school because your cat was missing though? I mean come on.

YANBU.

I can imagine that if let my DCs have six days off school for the illness and death of a hamster, they certainly will grow up into adults who require time off from work after the death of a pet.

I do think that recognising and acknowledging grief are important, but I also think developing emotional resilience (for want of a better word) is also very important.

Unfortunately it's a sad fact of life that we will all die, and indeed that our pets will die. It is sad and of course people will feel differing amounts of sadness, but it seems to me that some people are almost self indulgent in their reactions. It's the same sort of stuff you see on awful TV like the X factor "oh I've been on a journey" etc. I remember the DC forcing me to watch it once and an adult was crying...because he was living in a bedsit .

I have loved all, and do love, my pets, I am foolish and soppy about them (see The Litter Tray) but I also think reactions should be proportionate. If my DCs pet dies I will encourage them to talk about it and cry if required (and possibly name a star after them as my mother did for my cat) but I will also expect them to be able to have enough self control to go to school/work and that it might be healthier to keep themselves busy. Hopefully I will be able to set them a good example and go to work myself, although I'm not working at the moment due to illness. The odds are that I may well die before the pets do and it's much harder to think about preparing your DC for this. It does tend to put things into perspective/proportion.

Bully for you Private, maybe you are able to cope better than others. Everyone is different.

As a pp said, not only are you dealing with the loss of your pet but sometimes it throws up feelings of loss which may bring up losing friends and/or family members.

While I would not judge anyone for their grief at all and would never say anything, i would be slightly "hmm" if someone cancelled a meeting or whatever on me because of the death of a pet. I certainly wouldn't do it myself either.

It would be very interesting to see peoples' reactions if there was a thread about an important event like an operation or DC's school meeting, cancelled due to the person having time off for the death of a pet.

I should add I personally have never taken time off for the loss of a pet but my manager used to be lovely and always give me time off if I needed to take any of my pets to the vet. I would also never judge someone who needed a bit of time to grieve.

And to all those posters saying "everyone is different" are right. But the other side of that coin is that not everyone will be so floored by grief for a pet that they take time off work and that doesn't make them a heartless bastard - it just makes them, well, different to the people here saying that they were floored and so that's the only possible reaction

BitoutofPractice, that is very true, not everyone will be beside themself with grief over the death of a pet and that is fine too. There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to grief.

Private, you were replying to someone about how you would feel about the death of a hamster but it did look slightly like you were mocking someone who might be upset for three days.

It would be very interesting to see peoples' reactions if there was a thread about an important event like an operation or DC's school meeting, cancelled due to the person having time off for the death of a pet

I'd treat it pretty much the same way as I would if those events were cancelled for illness. I view grieving (whether it's for an animal or a human) as being like being ill. So people will respond differently. It's not a case of being more mature if you can just trundle into work the next day. Some people will not manage that. And frankly I wouldn't want an operation from a surgeon who might be having problems because the dog who had been with her for the past 15 years had died the day before.

The one time I tried to carry on regardless, I lasted about 4 days before I lost the plot completely. It would have been better if I'd just admitted how bad I was feeling earlier.

this thread is highlighting exactly why I prefer animals to people.

you'd never get any of this crap and disrespect from a pet.

you'd never get any of this crap and disrespect from a pet.

Yeah but if you dropped dead right now, it would take your cat about 24 hours before it started eating you. So, swings and roundabouts.

still somewhat preferable to some of the nasty cold people on this thread.