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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think you shouldn't take time off work for a deceased pet?

404 replies

ImogenTubbs · 09/03/2016 07:16

Woman in my team (quite new, very young) went home at lunchtime yesterday because her family pet had been put down (it was old, she lives with her parents). She has now just said she wants to 'work from home' today because she is so upset.

I had a pet, so I get it, but AIBU to think this is not on, and unfair on the rest of the team?

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 09/03/2016 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 09/03/2016 17:02

I am with you and despair at the lack of empathy of some posters

We all feel grief in different ways, just like pain. Some posters seem to think that there is a standard way of feeling losses, so if they don't care about something, nobody else has any right to be upset either.

Potatoface2 · 09/03/2016 17:02

i take it no one here has ever worked in a hospital...i work in a hospital and you would be lucky to get a day off for a parent dying!!!......you know, the caring profession that doesnt give a fuck about its staff!

Freezingwinter · 09/03/2016 17:03

I work in a hospital. Yes you are right, the NHS is terrible like that.

SirChenjin · 09/03/2016 17:10

Really? I work in the NHS - we have bereavement leave (on a sliding scale, depending on which relation has died), compassionate leave, parental leave and 6 months full pay/6 months half pay for long term illness which colleagues of mine have used for sudden deaths of close family members.

pastaofplenty · 09/03/2016 17:20

Another one here who has worked for NHS and is aware of compassionate/bereavement leave and support from colleagues and line-managers. Couldn't fault them.

And OP - I can totally understand someone wanting to take leave over the death of a pet - so sorry YABU

Pipbin · 09/03/2016 17:55

Taking time off work for pet bereavement is self indulgent sentimentality. Get a grip!

I only took 3 days off for the miscarriage of a very wanted IVF baby. Because I could cope shall I tell my colleague that her 2 weeks were self indulgent?

TheOnlyColditz · 09/03/2016 18:01

What was your pet, a stick insect? YABU and very bitchy.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2016 18:01

"we all feel grief in different ways, just like pain. Some posters seem to think that there is a standard way of feeling losses, so if they don't care about something, nobody else has any right to be upset either."

Yes and there's posters on here saying just that who have said that if you're not prostrate with grief over a pet's death you're a heartless monster. It works both ways

BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2016 18:02

And I speak as someone who had their pay docked for the day of my father's funeral

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 09/03/2016 18:21

What a horrible post op.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 09/03/2016 18:22

My mum been a nurse for over 30years she has been able to take compassionate leave maybe it's because she has worked God knows how many Xmas and New Year's Day

Anyway I calling Bingo it got to page 10

PageStillNotFound404 · 09/03/2016 18:41

It doesn't make anyone a better person than anyone else to be able to take the death of a pet in the stride of their working day, and they won't get any medals for putting work first.

Equally someone who grieves intensely and needs to take time off didn't automatically love their pet more than those who don't.

The key is appreciating that both responses are equally valid and equally personal and that one is not worse or better than the other. Judging by one's own standards is rarely helpful; people have different thresholds of resilience and even deal with/react to the same sort of thing in different ways at different times depending on what else is going on or what intervening experiences they've had. You (generic you) may not react in X way or choose X course of action, but that doesn't mean someone who does should be judged negatively.

Not wrong, just different.

IthinkIamsinking · 09/03/2016 19:17

I hate this idea that work trumps everything else in life..... no it doesn't. I will be utterly, utterly devastated when my little cat goes which could be any day now. Luckily I work with compassionate people who would be ok with me hiding away with my grief for a day or two. You sound really horrible OP. Really lacking in kindness and empathy and for the record based on your post no, you DON'T get it.

silvermantela · 09/03/2016 19:17

If it was sick leave, or special leave then I would probably agree with you - as that isn't what sick leave is for. Most companies have quite strict policies regarding bereavement/compassionate leave too - ones I've worked for only include parents, partners and children - not even siblings. While for some people I know their pets are like family, (or friends are closer than family) - you have to abide by the policy, and if pets aren't included you can't use it for that.

However it seems like it was annual leave so in that case yabu she can take that for whatever reason she wants, absolutely none of your business. Same with working from home - if the policy is that people can request it then she's entitled to do so, for whatever reason.

Not sure how the fact that she is young and lives with her parents is relevant? I'm sure she'd be as upset if she lived alone or with a partner.

Buckinbronco · 09/03/2016 19:20

She needs to take annual leave, but I don't really judge why people take annual leave

SueTrinder · 09/03/2016 19:44

Another vote for annual leave, you can use that how you want (wish I had enough annual leave to waste it on such fripperies). But no to compassionate leave, and frankly in this situation I'd not be keen on working from home so I'm with the OP's quotation marks. Depends on the person though, if it was someone with a proven track record at work I'd be happier about letting them work from home in this situation than a young and inexperienced new start.

BennyTheBall · 09/03/2016 19:51

It's a difficult one. I think annual leave would be appropriate. It's OK for time off - but I don't think it qualifies for 'special' leave.

I was beside myself at work when my cat got run over - but I was 24 and in my first job. Older and more sensible, I was secretly devastated but able to work when we had our dog put down a few years ago.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/03/2016 20:22

I work in a vets and i see varying levels of grief from clients when they lose their pets. It can be heart breaking sometimes. YABU and not a good boss at all.

AnnieNoMouse · 09/03/2016 21:17

The specie-ism on here is awful. On the one hand people are claiming grief for a dead horse or dog is the same as grief for a relative, and then rubbishing the grief of those suffering the death of a stick insect, hamster or goldfish. So large-mammal centric this thread.

BorderTerrierControl · 09/03/2016 21:51

I would never rubbish somebodies grief, even if it was for a pet rock. And to be honest, I'm generally pretty pragmatic about death in general- having been around horses, dogs, cats and various livestock since birth I'd be a permanent wreck if I weren't (and that isn't beginning to count deaths of relatives and friends) but there have been one or two losses that have floored me in a way that I wasn't prepared for, so I wouldn't judge it in somebody else.

I do think the grief experienced can depend as much on the particular human-animal relationship as the person's general character. I know of the dogs that I've lost, the one that hit hardest was the one that displayed the highest emotional and social intelligence. That dog didn't just read my mood from the tone of my voice and general demeanor - he could read the way I raised my eyebrow! We had a wonderful bond, and one of the million things I loved about him was his obvious (to me, at least!) sense of humour. That dog loved to tease, you could see him laughing at you even when he was being told off, the shit! I can't imagine feeling the same grief for a stick insect or hamster, simply because I can't imagine the same relationship. But if one of my employees was distressed over the death of their stick insect I'd give them a day off- I'm not the grief police.

That said, I also don't limit compassionate leave to 3 days, or insist that it applies only to parents and children but not siblings and cousins as some posters have mentioned. I don't interrogate anybody as to why they're off sick and sit in judgement on whether their sickness is worthy or not. I've worked in large companies like that and I think it's wrong. We're a small enough business that if somebody is a genuine piss taker then I/somebody I trust will notice and can have a quiet word. That's probably a whole other thread, though. However on this particular topic I can see why working for a company with such strict policies would leave you a little resentful at somebody having a days annual for their cat.

Hepzibar · 09/03/2016 22:15

Teaching staff annual leave is taken in school/college holidays. If their.pet dies in term time I would expect my staff to be resilient enough to come in and do their job.

If a human being dies then they have my unconditional support and company policies to support them. Nowhere in those policies does it mention dead animals.

OP YA most definitely Not BU.

Piratepete1 · 09/03/2016 22:50

I took a day's leave when i had to have my horse put to sleep. She was 30 years old and I'd had her since she was born and I was 9. I went into the paddock to find that her legs had given way coming out of her field shelter and she'd smashed her head on the concrete floor. I found her bleeding to death that morning, on my own and unable to help her. I then had to watch her be put to slee which she fought until her very last breath. I was completely traumatised.

Work is work. I certainly won't look back on my life and think much about it. I will, on the other hand, think back about my beautiful horse. I needed that day off, frankly I needed a week. You don't know anything about a person's loss so you have no right to comment on it.

ExitPursuedByABear · 09/03/2016 23:25

😱😰

gobbin · 09/03/2016 23:32

Compassionate leave for a pet?! Fuck me that's a joke.
I've stood in a classroom and gulped back tears before now having had to have a cat put down at 8am and gone in. I get paid to do my job, not sob over a pet.