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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think you shouldn't take time off work for a deceased pet?

404 replies

ImogenTubbs · 09/03/2016 07:16

Woman in my team (quite new, very young) went home at lunchtime yesterday because her family pet had been put down (it was old, she lives with her parents). She has now just said she wants to 'work from home' today because she is so upset.

I had a pet, so I get it, but AIBU to think this is not on, and unfair on the rest of the team?

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 09/03/2016 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/03/2016 14:00

I would expect similar levels of emotional resilience from a surgeon or barrister tbh and I don't think it would reflect well on them not to have that in such high pressure careers

I would think. after lots of late nights and having hundreds of people who's loved ones lives depended on them, that they have earned the right to let it out when they loose quite possibly the only person who loves then unconditionally and never asks any questions and just seems to "know" when they are needed.

I would worry about working fir someone who expects such superhuman behaviour at all times. I'd wonder what unachievable demands the staff would have placed on them I expect they'd be expected to lone work for hours and hours each day witg no break and not eat or drink and still be jumping at their bosses every command

TealLove · 09/03/2016 14:02

I think it's totally understandable to be sad. But to take time off from a job is too much. You'd just be a little quiet and pensive during the day but I dont understand taking time off at all!

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2016 14:04

Everyone is different. Some quiet and pensive, some in a complete state and unable to work.

LadyBaelish · 09/03/2016 14:06

I know there might not be much logic in this, but I think it depends on the pet...a cat or dog might have been 15 and felt like a real part of the family, whereas something like a hamster is unlikely to live past 3.

FWIW I'd almost certainly have a day off if we lost one of our cats, our oldest is 17 and has been with us since he was a 5 month old kitten, I'll be devastated (not an exaggeration) when his time is up.

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2016 14:09

The Blue Cross now offer a Pet Bereavement Service with a phone line, in case people want to speak to someone a bit understanding rather then their work colleagues.

OnlyLovers · 09/03/2016 14:13

TonyDanza, you fail to mention the fact that there are people on this thread whose response is 'pull yourself together and get back to work'. It's not true to say it's a 'whole thread' agreeing that time off is acceptable.

Teal and others, for the umpteenth time, she asked to WORK FROM HOME, NOT for the day off. Fuck's sake.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 09/03/2016 14:13

I remember when I had just started as a young lawyer, one of the most senior judges on the circuit took 3 days off when his cat was run over.

YABU

5Hearts · 09/03/2016 14:19

YABU

It very much depends on her emotional state at the time.

My dog is coming to the end of his life I have no idea whether or not I will be able to go to work or not that day/the next day - if I can hold it together long enough then I will but...definitely not guaranteed. I would like to think that this would be ok especially has I have only had 4 days off (excluding funerals) in my entire 18 year teaching career (p/t now).

I taught a lesson 25 mins after finding out my step-mother had died (she had been my step-mum for nearly 30 years and married my dad after my mum's own very early death) but I'm not convinced I could do that with my dog - we are closer.

Anyway, she simply worked from home instead so didn't take any time off. I would do that too but don't have the option in my job.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 09/03/2016 14:20

Ahem
Peace and love MNers

ExitPursuedByABear · 09/03/2016 14:22

She didn't work from home.

She 'worked from home'.

There is a massive implication in those speech marks.

CruCru · 09/03/2016 14:23

She went home at lunchtime and the next day asked to "work from home". So she took at least half a day off.

OttiliaVonBCup · 09/03/2016 14:23

Some people can pull themselves together and work. I did after two recent bereavements because working helped me think of something else. Mind you, that was after I cried one someone's shoulder at work, which wasn't very professional.

Some people can't.

A pet's death sometimes highlights other recent bereavements and it hits you for two.

Don't judge.

PrivatePike · 09/03/2016 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitterNails · 09/03/2016 14:26

I will be utterly, completely devastated when any of my three cats die. I don't know if I've bonded with them more due to my life circumstances - but I'm disabled and often housebound, and I adore them, and fear anything happening to them.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 09/03/2016 14:28

A very senior person I work with took two days off last year after "the family cat was run over by his teenage son".

What most people didn't know was that the son had been drunk and off his face on pills at the time, and the two days was actually so that he could be brought to rehab.

The cat was old and loved but obviously the tragedy paled in comparison to the pain regarding his son.

It was a convenient excuse to keep things private though. That's why I'd always try to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I think usually when you work closely with people you get a sense whether they're piss takers who'll take a week off for an ingrown toenail or not, and while bitter experience makes you a bit wary, usually most people are reliable and committed.

Gabilan · 09/03/2016 14:46

Have those on this thread saying that losing a pet is the same as losing a family member ever experienced the latter form of loss? And if you did, do you think the feelings of grief that the pet death generated were actually displaced grief for the dead relative?

I'm in my mid 40s. I'm betting many people on this thread are that age or older. It would be very unusual to get to middle age without a friend or relative dying. I've known friends and relatives die. I've also had time off work when animals have died. Sometimes yes, several sets of grief become bound together. But it's absurd to think that when my horse died, I was really thinking about my granddad or anyone else.

I saw my horse every day for nearly 8 years. I rescued him and he rescued me. He got me through some immensely tough times in my life and gave me a reason to get up in the morning. The relationship you have with a horse is intensely physical. It probably is with any animal but more so with horses because you ride them. It's not unusual to be in life or death situations with them. That level of intimacy and trust is hard to describe. So when he died I went through the physical shock of grief. It was bugger all to do with any of my other losses. I missed him in a way that was physical and painful.

I was not somehow going to reach a level of "maturity" in which I managed to haul myself into work and get on with it. And frankly it didn't matter. I'm not a brain surgeon. The people I work with managed without me, same as they would have done if I'd had flu.

I never want to be the person who can shut off their emotions so much that a dying pet doesn't matter to them. I know some people can carry on and they grieve in different ways and that's fine. But some of us don't. I wouldn't have my animals if they meant any less to me.

jeremyisahunt · 09/03/2016 14:50

Also, if a teacher is off sick, it is nobody's business as to why! You are not your children's teacher's line manager!

caravanista · 09/03/2016 14:52

Taking time off work for pet bereavement is self indulgent sentimentality. Get a grip!

saraah2354 · 09/03/2016 14:57

Yeah days off because my hamsters died.
In fairness one was when I was 6, and I was 9 when the other one died.
I stayed at home, I cried, I got them ready to bury them, I cried more and more and more. On the 3rd day I washed their cages etc.

PrivatePike · 09/03/2016 14:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saraah2354 · 09/03/2016 15:01

I was a child private. At that age, the death of an animal is so consuming and life is 'so unfair'

OnlyLovers · 09/03/2016 15:06

Exit, do you mean you think she actually skived, or do you think the OP is implying she skived?

I very much think the latter, and I think it's pretty horrid.

PrivatePike · 09/03/2016 15:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mombino · 09/03/2016 15:12

This thread has made me all weepy and emotional about our dog's inevitable death. He's only 1 so we'll hopefully have him for a good long while yet but one day he'll go and he'll be so scared and we won't be able to go with him and then we'll have to live without him for the rest of our long human lives. And now I want to play with him and give him a treat and cuddle him all day but I can't because he belongs to my parents and I won't see him for another fortnight. Excuse me while I cry uncontrollably for a few minutes.

In my defence, I'm 8 months pregnant, my hormones are all over the place.