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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think you shouldn't take time off work for a deceased pet?

404 replies

ImogenTubbs · 09/03/2016 07:16

Woman in my team (quite new, very young) went home at lunchtime yesterday because her family pet had been put down (it was old, she lives with her parents). She has now just said she wants to 'work from home' today because she is so upset.

I had a pet, so I get it, but AIBU to think this is not on, and unfair on the rest of the team?

OP posts:
HammerToFall · 09/03/2016 11:36

I wasn't working two years when I lost my 13 year old
Lab, but if I had there's no way I would have been able to go to work. I was distraught. He was the consistent in my life through years of ivf, miscarriage and adoption. I felt as though I'd lost a part of myself.

You can't put a label on people's emotions and feelings!

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/03/2016 11:37

I'm sure most peope would be more upset over a pet they grew up with and had sleep on their bed and who saw them.through everything in their lives, than great aunt Enid who they see at xmas.

sometimes a pet is all someone has. when family aren't talking or moved many many miles away or have already died.

Alexa444 · 09/03/2016 11:37

I had a day off for my hamster. Of course I was trying to save him at the time not mourning his death so a bit different but I wasn't just going to bugger off to work and leave him dying. Had the whole day off to rush him to the vet and ended up putting him down after hours of fluids and oxygen didn't show any improvement but I didn't go to bloody work afterwards.

pictish · 09/03/2016 11:38

I don't think losing a pet is like losing a loved person either...but nevertheless it is still a significant loss that commonly causes feelings of grief. A day away from the eyes of colleagues and the world at large is ok. We are sentimental beings after all.

AnimalsAnimalsAnimals · 09/03/2016 11:41

YABU.

I think it is very unfair for people to sit quantifying the upset caused by the loss of a pet's life versus a human life because undoubtedly there are a damn lot of people who don't like humans anywhere near as much as animals. Some people are really attached to their pets, and the death of a pet can make the person ill.

I personally had a horrific childhood filled with abuse. I only opened up when I got my dog. He was loyal and dependable and I had never felt so safe before. He also gave me something to focus on. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I spiral into a manic depressive episode when I lose him. I get upset just thinking about not having him here. I have no doubt my GP would be very understanding. You know, someone in the medical profession who understands mental health issues and how important animals can be in helping people who suffer with them.

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/03/2016 11:42

Losing my horse was far far worse than losing a couple of relatives. Two uncles recently. I don't think.the circumstances helped. One uncle was unwell and died peacefully in his sleep. Sad. I got the news at work. Told my boss and had a bit of quiet time. Whereas just typing my post above about my horse has had me in tears.

Hygge · 09/03/2016 11:43

YAB a bit U. It's hard losing a pet, and you say she's young and quite new, so perhaps she's worried she will feel emotional in the office and embarrass herself.

We took in a rescue dog, not knowing he was ill, and lost him seven weeks later very suddenly and to a horrible illness. The last morning of his life was a bad one, he was distressed and frightened and probably in pain, and that maybe more then him dying was upsetting to witness.

It was upsetting even though we'd only had him a few weeks. I was off work at the time anyway but certainly the two days where I had to take him to the vet and have him put to sleep, after we'd struggled all morning to keep him calm and comfortable, and the following day dealing with his remains, were very upsetting for all of us.

He was suffering, we did the right thing, but it was also good not to be at work because I felt quite badly affected by it and I wouldn't have wanted colleagues or customers to see me on either of those days.

And I know it's not the same as losing a person you love, but I've found that since we went through our losses, other things upset me more easily and to a greater degree, which I think is the other explanation for why I felt so upset about this dog. So perhaps losing her pet has brought back memories of the loss of a person she loved as well.

I don't think it hurts to be a little kind to people if you can be, as long as they don't take it too far. An afternoon off and a day working from home shouldn't affect anyone too much, should it?

I once had a colleague who took nine months off for embarrassment (long story, too many identifying details to go into) and that was annoying for everyone else.

plantsitter · 09/03/2016 11:45

My family cat died when she was 22, and I was 25, so I had pretty much known her all my life. Can't remember if I took a day off or not (am old) but if someone told me how upset I wasn't allowed to be I would probably have twatted them!

ExitPursuedByABear · 09/03/2016 11:48

I still haven't got over the loss of my horse, and that was 18 months ago.....

But surely it should not be a competition as to which deaths are the hardest to bear.

CruCru · 09/03/2016 11:50

Thing is, though, at some other point this person is going to want or need her team to be flexible again, whether by allowing her to work from home or to take time off.

People's sympathy wanes. If she's already done this for a pet, should a friend or relative die, people are going to start gritting their teeth. They probably wouldn't say anything but they may think less kindly of her than if she hadn't already done this for a pet.

gentlydownthestreammm · 09/03/2016 11:56

I wouldn't think it was unreasonable someone taking a day off work if their dog/cat/horse died.

I probably would start to question it if time off dragged on for ages and impacted others. Or if the pet in question was a hamster/budgie/lizard.

I wouldn't say anything, but I might have my internal judgypants on.

InsufficientlyCaffeinated · 09/03/2016 11:56

In my first job when I was young the dog I'd had since childhood had to be pts. My manager, also a dog owner, gave me a day off as I would have been too upset to work anyway. The next day everybody was incredibly kind and asked how I was and what the dog was like. I'll always remember their kindness and it made me respect the organisation and my colleagues a lot more. Sometimes giving a bit of lenience at a time of need is paid back many times over. Obviously don't let people take the piss but showing some empathy has returns.

OnlyLovers · 09/03/2016 11:58

Cru, maybe that's the culture where you work, but I'm happy to say that I don't think anyone I work with would keep a tally of reasons people were off and how much sympathy or goodwill they 'deserved'.

And I don't think like that either.

I feel lucky.

NotAWhaleOmeletteInSight · 09/03/2016 12:04

Yabu. I set off for work one morning to find my cat (who I'd been cuddling 10 minutes before) dead in the road. I couldn't have gone to work. Apart from anything else, we had to deal with the mangled remains of our beloved cat - it takes a while to dig a deep enough hole.

I'm a teacher and couldn't give a damn if parents like a pp had a problem with me missing one day. I was certainly in no state to teach my class.

Luckily, my colleagues were understanding and as far as I know, so were the parents. We're only human.

Toxicity · 09/03/2016 12:07

YABVU, do you not have any empathy? People (myself included) get so attached to pets. My own small pets helped me through a stressful time and made me so much happier. Losing them can be heartbreaking.

I don't see the problem with your colleague taking a day or two off and to be fair to her she is working from home (easier to be at home if you need a cry) and I am sure she would do the same for you.

tomatodizzy · 09/03/2016 12:08

To be fair, if she is so upset she needs to stay home it would be a bit pointless coming in to work as she would be useless and that would also be "unfair on the team". If she needs time, she needs time. It's that simple.

PovertyPain · 09/03/2016 12:10

You have no idea what thus young woman has been through in her life and how important the cat has been to her, regarding giving her comfort and affection. My wee dog is coming 16yrs old and I'm dreading the day that he dies, as I feel that the kids and I will all fall apart. I know that some of my friends and relatives will also be distressed. We got him from my dh's best friend and losing him will feel like losing another part of my DH, who died last March. Any one that tries to belittle my distress will no longer be welcome in my house. Yes, I feel that strongly about it.

Pets aren't 'just' animals they become a major member of the family because of their vulnerability, and reliance on their owners. Animals don't judge us and frankly I much prefer my pets to some humans that I know and would cry over losing them quicker than the lose of some relatives.

Arpege · 09/03/2016 12:12

Umm I don't know, I think YANBU.

I can't imagine grieving that much over an animal. But on the other hand, if people do, then it seems a bit wrong to tell them they're somehow not allowed to own that emotion.

But I would probably privately think it was a bit silly.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 09/03/2016 12:13

SuburbanRhonda

Only 4more pages according to my mobile then I get to shout my first bingo and will feel like a fully fledge member of mumsnet

PovertyPain · 09/03/2016 12:14

When one of my co workers list her wee dog, the manager permitted her to take a weeks annual leave straight away as she was distraught. This was a woman is her 50s. Our manager doesn't even like animals and is actually terrified of cats and dogs, but even she could see the genuine pain my co worker was suffering. The lack of empathy of some of the posters on here is depressing.

PovertyPain · 09/03/2016 12:16

Keep hitting the wrong bloody keys! Angry Blush

Toxicity · 09/03/2016 12:18

PovertyPain - that is lovely your manager was so understanding. I am with you and despair at the lack of empathy of some posters.

AFuckOfFlora · 09/03/2016 12:23

Thank goodness my colleagues' reactions were completely the opposite to yours, OP.

After having my 11 yo GS dog put to sleep in the most horrific circumstances, they let me shut myself away in my office all day, and took all my calls for me and everything. I was pretty much sobbing all day and could not pull myself together.

At lunchtime they brought me a bunch of flowers, a Thinking of You card and some fish & chips!

Then they sent me home early. I was able to return the compassion a few years later when one sadly lost his pet.

A bit of kindness goes a long, long way and will always be remembered.

CruCru · 09/03/2016 12:25

OnlyLovers I wouldn't have said that my office was particularly hard nosed. We did have one woman who had stacks of time off - each time for reasonable things but, by the end, it was ridiculous.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 09/03/2016 12:28

I organised my shift work to be at home for two days following my elderly family dog being pts. I would have taken annual leave otherwise. I also found and had to break the news to the owners of a cat that I found in the road early one morning. I don't know what their plans that day were but I doubt very much that they went into work based on their reaction, I have always been open that I don't 'get it' about cats, however the couple were absolutely devastated, to the point where I felt compelled to drop off a condolence card the following day. Grief affects everyone in different ways.

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