DM doesn't help me practically with DCs

[AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys]

Just that really:-

I am single-parent, DM encouraged me to get rid of my EX, which she was right to do as he treated me abysmally.

I've been in bed with the flu all weekend. No offer of help. However, she's very keen to come down and celebrate DCs b'day which is coming up soon, she wants to go out for dinner.

DM did look after DCs recently as I had an something really important to do. It only took about an hour and when I called to say I was finished, she was desperate for me to come home and wanted to go out for lunch - it was after 2 by then so she should have fed them something already anyway. As soon as we'd eaten she went home. I would have preferred either some time to myself or help with washing or gardening or ANYTHING.

When I mentioned needing help with childcare on the two days that school will be closed for elections, she changed the subject.

It seems she only wants to be there for the good times. She was like this when I was growing up, crap parent, but very keen to parade us about on ceremony.

AIBU?

I don't think the OP was saying that she expects her mother to do her laundry and gardening, just that she would have rather her mum had watched the kids at home while she got on with some chores, instead of spending that time in a restaurant.

she said I would have preferred either some time to myself or help with washing or gardening or ANYTHING.

does she say I wish she would have helped while I did some jobs?

Or did she ask her to stay and watch them while she did jobs?

I don't get this. You chose to have children. Your mother has raised you. Why is she also obliged to help you raise your children? You sound quite self-centred.

You seem to blame your mother a lot.

I'm just surprised many see it in such a clear cut and rather stark way - that a mother has a responsibility to raise her DC, but a DGM has no responsibility to even help support her DGC, and give continuing support to her DC as parents.

juggling the DC that have kids, are adults.

Also every parent parents their kids differently. Why should there be one way to be a grand parent.

Again, I'll ask do people planning kids have to seek their parents approval. If you are having kids and expects beg your own parents to help out, then you should take their feelings into account too.

Besides which no one said it was clear cut.

The OPs mum is helping out, but even when she does it's not enough.

I don't feel my parents have any obligation to help me, although I very much appreciate it when they do. I get on very well with them, but I don't feel they should feel obligated to me.

I couldn't really afford a childminder please don't tell me "well you shouldn't have kids then".

I think your mother is being unreasonable especially since she wants to enjoy her grandchild when it suits her, but she wont be there in difficult times, surely that's what family and friends are for?

I never had family to help me out, consider I have 6 siblings, and parents. When my mother was alive she would have gladly but I never asked her because all of my siblings were living under her roof 2 with their wives, and there were 5 tiny grandkids there at one point. She used to run around feeding them doing nappies etc. so id visit but never leave my kids there, that would have taken the mick.

I moved away but when I had my babies siblings only visited with 1 of their births, I am in the uk not abroad and they all work full time so money isn't an issue. I'm expecting no.5 and living near them but I wont be asking them to babysit my kids when I'm in labour, ive decided my husband will drop me off and return home.

lets just say ive learnt not to rely on them. Do you have any close friends nearby? Rely on them if you are in dire need, or when you are ill. But be willing to return the favour for them

sadly I had no friends to rely on either, if I had the flu id still be there cooking and feeding the family.

Yanbu. I don't get very much help from my DM. She offers a lot but when it comes down to it, she's late, cancels because she doesn't feel like it, makes excuses to leave or gets pissed off at me. She probably has the DC once every couple of months once they are in bed because she wont do nighttime routine. She looked after DS once when he was ill and I came home to find the house ransacked - oven broken and mysterious stains on the carpet, later revealed to be medicine she'd spilled and left there, sticky! I was raised by my grandparents effectively so I don't know what I expected!

I just don't go out basically! You want them to WANT to help so that the kids see their GP's and it feels like a rejection of your kids when they don't. I don't think an hour is very much.

Katenka - the OP will have to clarify. But I read it as she would have rather had time to herself or help around the house rather than spending that time in a restaurant - her mum obviously wanted to spend time with the GCs but on her own terms.

When my mum says she will help me get the gardening done it usually means keeping an eye on the DCs for an hour in the house while I do the gardening.

I wonder if those who think parents shouldn't be expected to help with grandchildren would expect them to help their adult children in other ways? For example my sister broke her arm badly a few years ago. She was single and lived alone. My mum fetched her from the hospital, took time off work and looked after her at home for a few days, then paid her rent when she was off work with no sick pay. I suppose grandchildren are a bit different as they are not your children but to me it's an extension of how you might help adult children anyway.

I don't feel my parents have any obligation to help me, although I very much appreciate it when they do. I get on very well with them, but I don't feel they should feel obligated to me.

this is it exactly. It's great if they do but there is no obligation. The OPs mum has helped But the Op doesn't appreciate it.

Katenka - the OP will have to clarify. But I read it as she would have rather had time to herself or help around the house rather than spending that time in a restaurant - her mum obviously wanted to spend time with the GCs but on her own terms.

I can't see how you would get that. But that's only my opinion. That particular paragraph has been questioned from the beginning of the thread without any contradictions or corrections from the OP.

She could have always said 'mum we aren't going out for lunch, we are eating here'.

Maybe the mum thought she was doing her a favour taking her out for lunch.

I have said all alon you should be able to count on family in emergencies. Of course. But that's not what the op is asking.

My mum and dad have helped dbro out to the tune of 50k. Because he desperately needed the help (legal fees) of course they did it. Because they could.

That doesn't mean they should feel obliged to provide childcare.

her mum obviously wanted to spend time with the GCs but on her own terms

And what on earth is wrong with that? She is the grandmother, not the mother. She's done her mothering. I can't believe the entitled attitudes I'm reading.

i would help my siblings out with their kids knowing theyd never help me nor have. id even help the neighbour if they asked me and i don't know them, maybe I'm just stupid?

ill be glad to babysit grandkids if i make it to that ripe old age but i wouldn't want to do full time care 7 days a week no thanks I'm raising mine i need a bloody break.

I think today's GP is more likely to be more self centered. Older people live longer , have more money and get about more than than they did in my GP's day. Mine were lovely , baked ,did the garden, helped with our ponies, sewed and knitted for us. They made us their joy rather than taking a cruise

GP is more likely to be more self centered. Older people live longer , have more money and get about more

In other words, get on with normal life. This thread is just appalling for the level of entitlement. They're your children, not your mother's!

Is it entitled to want to see your DM enjoying her grandchildren, her wanting to see them and loving them as much as you do? This is not just about "time off", it's about the DGP being a normal and regular part of the children's lives.

I would be so sad if I when I have GC, I only saw them once every few months because I had prioritised lunching/holidays/trips out

Like a PP said, I'm interested to know when people think grandparents shouldn't help, how does this translate when GPs get older and need help, eg with shopping, lifts etc?

Presumably those people who find the OP "entitled" would turn round to their own parents and refuse to help them if needed because they feel they shouldn't be expected to?

Well, lots of children do turn round and refuse to help elderly parents and it is hardly the trend to move elderly parents in with you these days... That's why there is such a colossal need for care homes. I used to visit the elderly people in a care home next to my primary school once a week at lunchtime. The staff commented even then how nice it was for these people to have visitors, as a fair proportion never had anyone else visiting them. So no loving children there, then (probably felt they were too busy looking after their own children...).

I'm interested to know when people think grandparents shouldn't help, how does this translate when GPs get older and need help, eg with shopping, lifts etc?

But they have already helped - my parents raised me when I was a child. I will help them when they are old. They don't have an obligation to raise my kids.

But it's not about "raising your kids". It's just lending a hand. Big difference.

Exactly, Katharina I think I'm just shocked at tbe tone of some posts, including the OP - the expectation, even the demand, that one's mother will automatically go back to parenting, at the click of her daughter's fingers.

I want to help my parents as thanks for raising me.

I do feel my parents should see us on mutually agreeable terms...they do help me from time to time, for which I am very grateful. I don't plan on having the help though. I would have had lunch ready and prepared.

There's no "go back to parenting" about it to me though Fog just another natural step on life's journey, the part where you're a GM.

But that's how I see a grandparent's role - the fun. They can spend time with kids if and when they want to, they can hand them back if they have had enough. It's me, the parent, who has the obligations.

Of course, if it's really an emergency and a parent can help without undue burden to themselves, that would not be too much to ask. But to expect that the parent will come do your washing and gardening? Surely they have more interesting things they would rather do, like their own washing.

The argument about 'well if they need care when they are old they don't deserve it' is flawed. Because they already brought their own children up.

I will help mum and dad out where I can. Neither want to live with us anyway, they don't want that to fall to us. Which is why they have saved, to pay for their care.

But it's not about "raising your kids". It's just lending a hand. Big difference.

The Ops mum did lend a hand. Just not to the OPs standards.

Grandparents are confused about what they are allowed to do, buy,say,feed,play and have been stung by unpleasantness when 'overstepping'God knows which 'boundaries' next.

Anyway,what happened to 'our own little family'?

Two hours of hungry children watching would have me having to lie down in a darkened room.No wonder she wanted to get them out to lunch.