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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM doesn't help me practically with DCs

163 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 11:16

Just that really:-

I am single-parent, DM encouraged me to get rid of my EX, which she was right to do as he treated me abysmally.

I've been in bed with the flu all weekend. No offer of help. However, she's very keen to come down and celebrate DCs b'day which is coming up soon, she wants to go out for dinner.

DM did look after DCs recently as I had an something really important to do. It only took about an hour and when I called to say I was finished, she was desperate for me to come home and wanted to go out for lunch - it was after 2 by then so she should have fed them something already anyway. As soon as we'd eaten she went home. I would have preferred either some time to myself or help with washing or gardening or ANYTHING.

When I mentioned needing help with childcare on the two days that school will be closed for elections, she changed the subject.

It seems she only wants to be there for the good times. She was like this when I was growing up, crap parent, but very keen to parade us about on ceremony.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MazzleDazzle · 07/03/2016 18:15

For all those of the opinion that parents should never expect/rely on support from grandparents...

How does it work when grandparents are older and need support?

Are we to leave them to it?

shebird · 07/03/2016 18:25

Good point Mazzle

Comes back to the idea that families should help each another where possible in times of need.

BarkGruffalo · 07/03/2016 18:32

My DM won't have my child on her own, at all. I feel your pain.

Trumpette · 07/03/2016 18:44

What a brilliant thread, I feel like this too!

My parents want to share in all the 'glory' of their achievements (school cups etc) and they want to celebrate their Birthday (as long as I make the dinner and give them cake). They also want me to spend my
Christmas with them. However school holidays, especially the
Summer one, they NEVER offer to visit or take them anywhere.

You are allowed to be disappointed but you cannot change her. I agree with what one of the other posters said, accept how they are or you will be disappointed. You must do this for your sanity.

My parents dropped my daughter off once, having had an emergency phone call from me because I was throwing up and had diarrhoea, they asked how often I had been sick and left me with both her and her younger sibling and went home! My DH works away so they knew I was on my own!

Once my Dad told me that my Mum thought that I felt she had not helped out much when my daughter was born. I do think this ! But he's still they don't help even for fun things like going to the Zoo?

I feel your pain.

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 18:56

ArfArf that's really good advice. Something I know I should have been doing a long time ago.

I actually gave up going to stay with her a while ago as she has a bit of a habit of asking us down to stay then randomly making other plans, so we are left bored and alone while she's out Confused. I'd rather be bored and alone at home so I can get on with things. The only reason we were there for the 11pm dinner incident was because of another family member's important b'day.

Both very good points Mazzle and shebird:-

How does it work when grandparents are older and need support?

Are we to leave them to it?

Comes back to the idea that families should help each another where possible in times of need.

It goes both ways.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/03/2016 19:07

Look at getting a child minder.
Oh just like that. I'm so sorry flamed for this I'll undoubtedly be, but helping out with your DGC'S is just part of being a Grandparent. I'm not suggesting that Op Royally, takes the piss, but surely she's entitled to support from her mum. Familiar help each other, well at least they should do.

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 19:25

Look at getting a child minder.

I know I know lighthouse.

This may sound daft but I actually thought DM might really enjoy spending some quality time alone with said DGC who is really quite pleasant to hang out with and really not much bother at all. The DC would even make their own lunch if allowed Wink.

Besides, not many childminders are interested in taking children for random days here and there.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 07/03/2016 20:08

Ours emigrated. After saying sniffily that there "wasn't much keeping them in England". Ok then!

Fuzz01 · 07/03/2016 20:33

Wow how ungrateful are you really. Your lucky to even have a mother! You want her to look after your DC do landury and gardening. I've heard it all now. You said your DP was usless and she encouraged you not to put up with it! Sort out childcare with a childminder or your ex. Unfortunately being ill we still have to parent our children. She should be at your becon call to babysit. You need to grow up and take responsibility for the children you have had.

MySordidCakeSecret · 07/03/2016 22:32

I'd love for my mum to be around for my kids to know her, for someone to speak to, for her to be a grandmother, and you're here whinging that you don't get enough gardening on top, unbelievable. I lost my mum 11 yrs ago out of nowhere.

roundaboutthetown · 07/03/2016 22:35

I'm still wondering in what way the OP's dm was a crap parent and whether she had any parents buzzing around herself to give her an example of grandparental devotion? Or whether the OP bizarrely thinks someone who wasn't much good at practical parenting and never received much help herself would suddenly blossom into a talented childcare provider in old age?... It's also utterly unclear how old the dm is, whether her dh is alive, whether she is retired, etc, all of which imo affect how much help she could be expected to provide. So far, I just get the impression the OP might be a chip off the old block, expecting much but not giving much back in return - certainly few signs of love coming through, just resentment and criticism!

blueturtle6 · 08/03/2016 06:55

This is a really good thread, I thought my mil was the only one like this and thought her unusual. Can see now there are others and its not abnormal. Flowers to OP it is hard to do any time-consuming work or get rest to recover from illness quickly, with kids is it?

Narp · 08/03/2016 07:09

I don't buy this idea they are 'under no obligation to help' line that's trotted out by a few people.

For me it comes under the heading of being a caring parent.

ICanSeeForMiles · 08/03/2016 07:10

I don't think YABU OP. I have one like this too. My dc are, on occasion, trotted out like performing seals. And even if I did ask for help, like the last time I was really ill, it's like a competition. It pisses me off massively, and I have withdrawn from her quite a lot. Never ask to have the children watched anymore, but equally don't pop round for a quick visit. In fact I got a text a couple of weeks ago saying 'what are you doing today? I haven't seen my gc for 2 weeks' well, dm, you live a grand total of 5 streets away, it wouldn't hurt you to pop in on your way home from work occasionally.
(Varying finish times, nothing set in stone so v difficult to know when she'll be around)

Arfarfanarf · 08/03/2016 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OohMavis · 08/03/2016 07:34

The weird thing is that my parents are at an age where during their child-rearing days, it was all a very much 'it takes a village' approach. I was left at my Gran's whilst they went out once a week, dropped off round there to play while my mother ran errands, picked up from school by my Grandad because mum was out shopping.

And now nothing. Their retirement is there own, you may not encroach upon their free time. Grandparents all over the country have Done Their Time - leave them alone. Whilst we all bleat on about the good ol' days Confused

It's a really weird general attitude, and imo a selfish one. I get by fine on my own and even if I had the option of my parents' help I'd refuse, simply because they're horrible people, but my point still stands.

Luckystar1 · 08/03/2016 07:38

Pug your parents sound exactly like mine. Since DS was born 16 months ago, only 1 nappy ever (just a wet one) has been changed by someone who isn't me or DH.

Admittedly both sets of parents are quite a distance away, but they basically use any meeting (as that's essentially what they are) as photo ops.

My parent house is like a shrine to DS, but they have only met him no more than 10 times since his birth (and I mean 'met', when they fly to visit they only stay for the day...). They offer zero help to me either practically or emotionally (and if anything have just made it a LOT harder). It's very, very hard and I really struggled with it but I have my beautiful DS and my great DH so that's all I need.

Best of luck everyone with shit parental support!

puglife15 · 08/03/2016 08:22

Depressingly, it is usually my PILs DH and I complain have no time for our DC and give us no support, but it seems my parents are becoming the same.

However when we needed emergency childcare last year so we could go to work they both stepped up, when asked directly. There was a bit of huffing and puffing but they did it. They both help out with their other GCs and will have them overnight etc so I think they felt obliged.

I think if you asked them, they'd all say they are good GPs... This is arguably true, it's just they're not very supportive or helpful parents to their adult children!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 08/03/2016 08:54

But why but why but WHY do you think your parents need to change your child's nappy? I just can't get my head round this!

Perhaps it is because I live in a big city where the vast majority of people I know do not have their parents close by to be relied on for childcare.

Also, we're older parents and our parents are older too so perhaps it would have been a bit much to expect my dmum to get down on her 70 year old knees to change a nappy when she saw her dgc every couple of months or so?

Or perhaps its just that as older parents ourselves we have grown up a bit and assume we are responsible for the care of our own children?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/03/2016 09:11

I really dislike this attitude of they ate grandparents, so they must help. No, they had a duty to raise you, not your children. I can't believe people are actually pissed off because their parents are, you know,living their own lives and aren't dropping everything to offer free childcare for your kids!

They have raised kids and worked for 40 off years, this is their time. Let them spend time with the kids yes, spoil them occasionally definitely, but expect them to pick up the slack, no, not reasonable.

If they want to do it fair enough, but you can't make them feel guilty if they don't. Children, as we all know, are tiring and hard work, and perhaps they just want to have time to relax now and enjoy hobbies, holidays etc they didn't have time for when working and raising you.

OohMavis · 08/03/2016 09:19

They have raised kids and worked for 40 off years, this is their time. Let them spend time with the kids yes, spoil them occasionally definitely, but expect them to pick up the slack, no, not reasonable.

How many of them had parents who helped when their children were young though? I'd wager a large proportion.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/03/2016 09:21

Even if they did, it does not make them obligated to do the same!

Katenka · 08/03/2016 09:27

How many of them had parents who helped when their children were young though? I'd wager a large proportion

why? Sahm were fairly standard years ago so why must a large proportion of them have had help.

And even if they did, that doesn't oblige them to do the same.

My mum was a single parent and some help off her parents not loads. I don't expect her to massively help me out. She has a life of her own.

When I decided to have children, it was my choice. How many people actually consult their parents on wether they should have kids. If there is an expectation on grandparents that they must help out, then surely they should be part of the decision.

OohMavis · 08/03/2016 09:30

Not obligated, no, but some would argue it's the right thing to do.

And when you've benefited from the help of your elders, to then turn to your own children and say "Sorry, you're on your own, I'm off to play golf. Good luck with managing the kids by yourself with the flu!" - it just seems selfish, not paying it forward, and probably not what their parents had in mind when they put the hours in for their grandchildren all those years ago.

Maybe my attitude is entitled. But I can't imagine being a fit and healthy grandparent and telling my children my hobbies come first over helping them out.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/03/2016 09:35

But why is it the right thing to do?! Do you also think all children are obligated to care for their parents when they are can't look after themselves anymore? Will you and DH be building a nice extension to hpuse both sets of parents?!

I had children because I wanted to. I work because I want to. I therefore use childcare for my children so that I can do both. It never occurred to me to be angry with my parents for not falling all over themselves to do it! They are mid 60s for goodness sake, I'm glad they are enjoying their time now, I would hate them giving this up for me or my sisters. Luckily they aren't selfish either and are happy for them and not resentful or bitter.