Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

DM doesn't help me practically with DCs

163 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 11:16

Just that really:-

I am single-parent, DM encouraged me to get rid of my EX, which she was right to do as he treated me abysmally.

I've been in bed with the flu all weekend. No offer of help. However, she's very keen to come down and celebrate DCs b'day which is coming up soon, she wants to go out for dinner.

DM did look after DCs recently as I had an something really important to do. It only took about an hour and when I called to say I was finished, she was desperate for me to come home and wanted to go out for lunch - it was after 2 by then so she should have fed them something already anyway. As soon as we'd eaten she went home. I would have preferred either some time to myself or help with washing or gardening or ANYTHING.

When I mentioned needing help with childcare on the two days that school will be closed for elections, she changed the subject.

It seems she only wants to be there for the good times. She was like this when I was growing up, crap parent, but very keen to parade us about on ceremony.

AIBU?

OP posts:

OohMavis · 08/03/2016 09:44

Because they're your children, and you love them? And when your child is struggling it's basic instinct to do what you can to help?

I often wonder on threads like these if I have a weird, skewed idea of what is normal. I had a shitty childhood and abusive, neglectful parents, so maybe that's made my notion of what is right and wrong wrt to parenting a bit off. But I can't envisage a life where I'm reluctant to help my children in whatever way I can. Even if that means me missing out on a few hobbies when I'm retired.

Arrowedheart · 08/03/2016 09:46

I find it a shame that grandparents would not want to spend some time alone with their grandchildren, and help their DC at the same time. Some may even offer to do this rather than wait to be asked.

Given this thread I am obviously fortunate, as I can honestly say that every member of my family would help me with DC if I needed it without a second thought, and often do. In turn I do what I can to help them. I thought that was what family was about. Like I say I am clearly extremely lucky in this respect having read some of the responses.

Pigeonpost · 08/03/2016 09:55

But you're expecting her to read your mind. She looked after the kids for you whilst you were at your important meeting. If that was me I would have discussed beforehand with DM what to give the DC for their lunch. How is she to know what your intentions are if you don't say? Also, how on earth would you expect her to know that you then wanted an hour to yourself or time to do the washing or gardening if you didn't ask. You asked her to look after them during your appointment, she did and then she went home. I think you are expecting too much and not saying enough.

Katenka · 08/03/2016 09:55

The mother of the OP does help put. There is an example in the *OP. But it still wasn't enough. Apparently the mother should have offered to do gardening or laundry as well.

I just don't get this attitude. My parents are lovely and love me and my dbro. But I would never ask them to have the kids then expect them to do more. Or offer to have them longer if I just wanted some time to myself.

The fact is that even when the mother did help put it wasn't enough. May be she has picked up on that attitude from the OP and so doesn't want to help out, Because it's never good enough.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/03/2016 09:57

But the OP'S mother does help, she watches the children when asked so the OP can attend appointments and likes taking her DD and DGC out for lunch! What she doesn't do is hang around after so the OP can do housework, maybe she would if the OP asked,maybe not. The point is, she does help! She does what she feels able to do, for all we know her DGC are hard work for her to manage by herself!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/03/2016 09:58

Exactly katenka!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/03/2016 10:00

pigeon precisely, the woman can't do right for doing wrong, she's being set up to fail by the OP as she doesn't make it clear what she wants!

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 08/03/2016 10:05

Op I don't think yabu but then I have a dm who bends over backwards to help me out. That said my dm works and has a busy social life so I would never expect her to help me out but am always grateful when she does.

If I am ill (also a single parent) my dm would go out of her way to help get dd to school for example, she also picks dd up from school one day a week at her request (I work 4 days a week) and takes dd on holiday every summer holiday - again her request!

My dd and dm have a lovely close relationship and I guess you reap what you sow.

puglife15 · 08/03/2016 10:40

bibbity I don't think my parents need to change a nappy but it was an example of a small practically helpful thing.

I live in a city and am an older parent too, I just can't imagine sitting on the sofa watching my exhausted adult child try to change a newborns nappy, cook dinner for her hungry toddler and tidy up around me for example without offering to help or at least offer a bit of verbal support.

Mrskeats · 08/03/2016 10:48

Here we go again. This very British grand parents shouldn't help thing.
I can never ever understand this
Why would you watch your child (albeit grown up one) struggle? Families are me at to help each other out aren't they?
I lived in Europe for a long time and saw how the the generations help each other as necessary which is good for all.
Surely it's fun to hang out with your grandkids anyway or have I missed something?
My youngest is 17 and she's going away for a holiday with her grandma just the two of them. They both enjoy it.
Yanbu

plantsitter · 08/03/2016 10:50

My mum has got a lot better at helping now my kids are bigger but when they were small she didn't help either. As an example I had two kids with quite a small age gap and was a SAHM, so when somebody is with you there's a sense of relief that they might actually share some of the work. But my mum was always saying things like 'I'll let you strap them in the car' 'You'd better do the bath,' or 'I'll babysit if you put them to bed'.

It's not that you think they should, it's just that it would really, really help you out if they did. I used to fear that if I asked her to do something specific I would end up on my knees sobbing 'please... just HELP ME...' because I'd got into the exhausting rhythm of doing everything myself.

doublechocchip · 08/03/2016 11:14

I'm always sad by these threads too. Why wouldn't you want to help your kids?

My parents aren't hands on and they both work full time so I don't expect a lot but when my marriage broke down last year and I was on my own with 3 children and struggling there was no offer of help which really hurt me. My friends have always been much more of a support network.

I can't wait till I have grandchildren and can help my dc's out by offering to take them out, babysitting, cooking dinners. Surely it's a win win you get to spend time with the gc and you help your dc's feel better.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/03/2016 11:57

I think if you're a grandparent you should offer what help and support you can. Not everyone has the same strengths or opportunities/ circumstances but I think it's those who don't offer anything like the help they could where people are frustrated with them. I don't think parental responsibiities end when DC fly the nest but definitely continue on to making a contribution to supporting the next generation.
I think if someone doesn't want to get into all of that then they probably shouldn't have had DC to start with. It's a long game IMHO

Katenka · 08/03/2016 12:09

You shouldn't have kids if you are not willing to do your child's laundry, childcare and gardening for the rest of your life?

Really?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/03/2016 12:30

That's not what I said now Katenka is it?

Laundry and gardening in particular were mentioned by others

Ideally those setting out on the road of parenthood should have a long vision though, yes, I stand by that. In it for the long haul.

Not just get off the bus half way to the destination.

KERALA1 · 08/03/2016 12:41

Also a big difference between asking for back up when in extremis and expecting full on commercial type childcare every week.

FWIW my inlaws (who refused to help us when we both had proper flu and a new baby/ for a family child free wedding) would park DH and his brother with FIL parents for the entire summer! So certainly not paying that one back...!

Katenka · 08/03/2016 12:48

Laundry and gardening in particular were mentioned by others

Laundry and gardening were mentioned in the Op

Parenting does not automatically include being a grand parent.

Do you think people should consult their own parents when having kids? Surely if there is an obligation for them to help, they have to be part of the decision making process.

Katenka · 08/03/2016 12:50

Also a big difference between asking for back up when in extremis

The OP never asked for help or back up when she was ill. She didn't say anything but hoped it would be offered.

When she has helped it's not been enough. She can't really win.

Hygellig · 08/03/2016 13:08

I don't think the OP was saying that she expects her mother to do her laundry and gardening, just that she would have rather her mum had watched the kids at home while she got on with some chores, instead of spending that time in a restaurant.

OP, I don't think you are BU (I say that as someone who has had quite a bit of support from my mum). She probably had less parental support than I had because my grandparents weren't local and didn't drive, but they still came to stay to look after us when she had to go away for work and one time when she was very ill at home. We really enjoyed spending time with our GPs. (My dad's parents were in another country so not able to help much).

I realise grandparents aren't obligated to help and that they have their own lives, but surely, if you're interested in your grandchildren, you would rather help if possible than see your adult children struggling? Even if it's little things like changing a nappy while they deal with an older child or cook dinner. It's not a case of automatically expecting GPs to look after the children all day, every day, while you work, more that they might be able to provide a bit of back-up and stop-gap emotional and practical support when necessary.

PastaLaFeasta · 08/03/2016 13:22

You need to adjust your expectations, yes it's crappy you don't have the relationship you want but you do have some support and it's up to you to push back when her behaviour doesn't suit you and the kids.

We have no support, DH's family made damn sure we knew well in advance they would be hands off. Mine are just too far so have a long drive to help us, so special occasions only. There is no one to watch the kids for a quick but important meeting. We pay for extra childcare instead and arrange it to suit. It's tough but doing it without much support shows the in laws we are responsible adults, they treated us like naughty school kids when we announced our first pregnancy - DH was 30. But this does have an impact on how much we will help them now their health is failing - we thought about moving closer to be a support until they acted so badly.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 08/03/2016 14:57

Also thinking about this from another perspective my nan was a huge part of my childhood, she had me as much as she could and even though wasn't local we stayed at her house a lot. She even took me to Switzerland on holiday when I was 9yo I adored her and she was a fantastic Grandparent.

When she became unwell in later years with dementia I went above and beyond to make sure she was well cared for and looked after. I miss her so much

MazzleDazzle · 08/03/2016 15:19

KERALA1 I am at your in-laws!

My own DM is a bit similar. When we were growing up she dropped us off at our grandparents most weekends, unannounced, and collected us when she felt like it. She did the same in the school holidays. It was always on her terms. My grandparents never said a word of complaint. DM often said that that's what grandparents are for.

There is no way she'd do the same for her grandkids though .

roundaboutthetown · 08/03/2016 15:53

Of course, when it comes to involved grandparents, they also get it wrong, according to many on mumsnet! Buying inappropriate gifts, disciplining in the wrong way or too much or too little, mixing the wrong items of laundry together and ruining the clothes, being critical of different parenting techniques, not being able to cook properly, leaving behind a mess, being critical of others' hygiene standards, being too controlling...

amicissimma · 08/03/2016 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 08/03/2016 16:11

I think lowering your expectations would be good. I have never expected my DM to babysit. The times she does I am thrilled, and she us very happy to do so. When she comes here, I do all the cooking and they don't lift a finger. If my dad makes a cup of tea for us all I feel terribly guilty. On the other hand when we go there we don't help much either. I am surprised when I see gm fetching children on a regular basis as I never have expected that.

Did she pay for lunch or did you?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7